Is this common re a Dad's role?

[FiJay18]

This is something that has been bothering me for a while now, but it is now increasingly bugging me and I need some advice.

My DH ever since I had my children hasn't really been interested in them really. Even as babies when I had looked after them all day, he showed no interest in coming in and bathing them etc which upset me at the time. He said I was over reacting. When I've brought this up recently I told him that really it's general advice that when DH comes home he takes the children for a bit to give Mum a bit of a break, he said I was stupid and that it wasn't advice, or it was, it was off one of these 'gentle parenting' things which he disapproves of.

To cut a long story short I always feel it's a massive effort for him to do much with them. He will sit and play on computer games with my eldest (5), and just palms them off the rest of the time. I have told him loads to do other things with him but he doesn't without me literally 'forcing' him.

This stresses me out because I just feel like everything like that is falling to me. I think I'm good with the kids but become increasingly frustrated by his lack of initiative/ pro activeness in doing stuff with them and recognising I need a break. I feel like I need to be at breaking point for him to notice (because sometimes I can feel overwhelmed by it). At that point he will say I am overreacting and that I don't seem to like spending time with my children. I really do, however sometimes when they have been fighting all day etc I do find it difficult and don't particularity find those days thrilling and need some support.

Further, my children are now 5 and 3 and at no point ever has he offered to do anything with them on his own. He may have had them twice or three times for the whole day on his own when I've actually went out to do something. He will never say 'I'll take the kids here or there' not even one of them really. Again if I ask him to it feels like I'm asking him to go and climb Mount Everest or something.

In respect of our lives he keeps everything separate. It seems that his money is 'his' and nothing is shared. He keeps going on about his plans and doesn't really involve me because he assumes he is the one which will have the money and doesn't seem to value what I do in terms of childcare and that I have taken a dramatic drop in salary to look after them. He says that he does recognise this but his actions say otherwise to me. He will go on about home improvements and how much they cost etc when he knows I only earn around £1000 per month and can't contribute.

We were away with his brother and wife at the weekend and even just seeing them help each other with the dishwasher made by blood boil as my partner wouldn't do that. He actively avoids it. He does tidy somethings round the house, but that's just because he himself cannot abide 'mess' as it bothers him but even then he will just shove stuff in cupboard and boxes without organising anything. he even keeps his phone well away from me and keeps changing the pin. I have only ever accessed it once because he left after an argument once and I just knew he was lying as to where he had been. When I did look through his phone he has been out with his friend and got totally wasted (fine up to him) but had been looking at various women he knew on Facebook which I found odd. When I questioned him on this he told me 1) it was his friend who had his phone then 2) they were just talking about them generally and it was none of my business what about so his story conflicted there.

Am I being harsh here or have I got a right to be upset? I just find myself getting more cross with him. It used to upset me because I wanted him to seem like he cared but now I'm just close to losing my temper about it all and saying I want to leave him. If I say anything however he generally says I'm overreacting and walks out. I just feel it comes down to me all the time i.e taking time off for the kids in the summer holidays, arranging pick ups / drop offs etc and he is only ever interested in his business & money.

Sorry for the rant but these are the main things bothering me and I wanted to gage other's opinions.

This is mine too.
He’s never taken mine - 12 and 5 - anywhere on his own with them.
He’s not been involved for most of the time. I’ve done everything. When we went on holiday to a lodge once he remarked at the end of the week how fortunate there was a dishwasher. There wasn’t. I’d done it all. He just hadn’t even noticed.
I’ve recently left him and suddenly he’s suggesting all the things he could do to ‘help’ which means he’s known all along but wilfully chosen not to do them.

You might be in the legal profession but he isn’t entitled to anything from your home as it’s yours unless he’s on the deeds.

Judges will frown upon him if he tries it as he earns 4 times what you do

It’s time to separate ask him to leave and if he doesn’t involve the police to remove him

Take your time on this no rush but give yourself a D day for when
Even if it’s to change the locks when he’s at work and phoning him his stuff is packed in the garage do not enter house or you’ll phone the police.

Keep posting here to vent if needed too.

Why are you tolerating him? Your house, so he has no claim. What is the point of him? He doesn’t seem to care for you or the dc, he made you pay for everything when you had your first. He expects you to do everything in the house and you do, so chucking him out and going to cms would probably be a huge bloody relief.

LT(CL)B. Change the locks on your house, bag up his shit and hit him with a CMS claim.

Oh op that's awful and it sounds utterly miserable! Life really is a flash in the pan and there isn't a single second, of a single day that we get to do over. You and your children deserve better. Kick him out for the final time

He sounds very unpleasant, unkind and frankly, a bit of a bully. It sounds as if you would be better off and much happier without him. I’d beshoing him the door.

• be showing

I found my ex to be a lot more involved with the DCs when he only got to see them once a week. He also had to do his own washing up and send me a chunk of money each month. There are ways to get him to step up. But divorce may the easiest and most effective unfortunately.

Some men are committed to being fathers.
Some men treat children as the woman's "hobby" as in - "he plays golf and takes weekend trips and buys expensive clubs while she stays home and plays with her kids and pays for food, toys, nursery etc. out of her money."
When the divorce finally happens they only want custody or visitation if it will reduce child maintenance.

Why the hell are you with him? He adds nothing of any value to your life. Just leave and start a better life for you and your children.

I'm a former family solicitor and unless he's made a direct financial contribution towards the house eg the deposit or mortgage contributions, then he won't be entitled to any of it. So kick the fucker out and start living your life; he's only going to get worse with time.

And to answer your question, none of his behaviour is normal or acceptable.

How hard exactly would it be without him? Would you suddenly struggle to run a house in your own, raise the kids on your own, cook and clean on your own? Errrr hang on you're doing all that already.

The only difference would be financial and tbh that's the easier bit, as the kids get older it gets easier on the finances and you can work more.

He sounds like a grade A, lazy, useless bastard

My ex like this our child. It damaged their relationship and he only started to change when they wouldn't have anything to do with him as a toddler and resented him coming home. Their relationship to this day is not great. It's not normal to be like this and like you I was envious of couples where the dad actively took the kids out and actually enjoyed it.

If you do separate you'll probably be better off financially. Depending on your salary you would probably be entitled to universal credit and would receive child maintenance from him. Speak to a solicitor and if this is what you would like then plan it before it happens.

Getting you pregnant isn't being a dad. If he didn't want children to love and care for then he shouldn't have had them.

I suspect his employees are a little scared of him because he sounds like he's unlikeable and a bit of a bully.

You've been with him a few years surely he wasn't always like this?

What is the actual point In him ? He is useless and very selfish. He is also a crap husband and a crap dad. Adding In the secrecy with his phone he is probably a cheat aswell. You need to get rid of him. The time he has alone with his kids when you are divorced might actually give him the chance to be a good dad he will never change so cut your losses now and get as much money out of him as you possibly can !

@FiJay18

Thanks for your responses.

I think I have just felt really vulnerable the past few years after having children, and sometimes only having self employed work. I do sometimes think that I need him but deep down I know I don't.

He has left a couple of times and I've felt so sick at the prospect I take him back. I think it's because I dread being alone and on the other hand dread having the 'label' of a single parent (even though again I know deep down that is nothing to be ashamed of).

I think you guys are right in that he has tried to convince me that this is normal and even though everything in my body has told me it is wrong, I still stick with him because I don't trust myself to make that crucial decision if that makes sense? It feels like a massive thing to tell him that I am not happy and walk away because I know I will doubt myself afterwards, even though I shouldn't. Maybe I'm lacking confidence, however I do feel I am getting some back now that I have started working again and being a bit more independent.

I did say once that he could leave and his response was to say ' well if you think it's hard now, just think what your life would be like without me'. He says some really odd things like that when we argue which just do not sit right with me at all. He doesn't give me much credit to be honest, and it's not like I'm a stupid person.

It's even little things like I would like a dog (not now as I work) but even when I've floated the notion of having one in the future he has literally just said 'no never' and that's that - no discussing it.

As I say I think it's because I've felt really vulnerable and alone when the kids were tiny and he has been my only sounding board really that I have stayed. Now that I am gaining confidence I may get the strength to leave at some point. I do long for a man in my life who will help me and see me as an equal. Again, I have said this to DH and said just because I don't earn as much as you it does not make me unequal to you. He agrees to my face but his actions speak differently. All I have ever said to him is that I would like equality and I don't think he can give that.

It's just finding the right time to walk away. I would like to be in a bit more of a stable job and get my LG settled in nursery. I don't want him to use my finances to his advantage either as I can predict he may try something underhand and will certainly want a part of my house.

At the end of the day it's not ideal but I think I would just give him some money to go even though he earns 4 times as much as I do.

You need to go and get proper legal advice about the house. You will be keeping the children there so you may not have to pay him off Most solicitors give a free consultation go and see where u stand

As a dad, I would agree with all the mums here. It's time to sort out your exit strategy. There's no point staying with this guy.

My good god. He sounds absolutely terrible. Terrible partner, terrible father and a miserable, selfish, lying bastard to boot. He is bringing misery to your life. It would definitely be a good idea to plan to get rid of him.

So he is not acknowledging his own children, not doing anything around the house AND he is financially abusive. Wow.

It's like twat bingo.

Hello,

For anyone still reading this thread I thought I would post an update and get people's thoughts. I think we established that a number of things are unacceptable about his behaviour towards me but also wanted to get your thoughts on something that happened tonight.

I came in from work and was putting things away and opened the fridge. I asked 'oh who bought that wine', to which he replied it was one of his business tenants because he let her pay her rent late. Ok, so I hadn't heard of his new business tenant and asked a bit about what she did to which he replied a tanning service called X (can't say the name on here as it would be found easily). Anyway, he was being cagey and I knew that in my gut so I did Facebook the tanning website. A name came up which I was familiar with and then it dawned on me, his new business tenant was his ex girlfriend and he hadn't told me this on purpose. I then said to him ' is that your ex girlfriend' to which he replied ' yeah but like 10 years ago or something' to which I was pretty annoyed to be honest because I could tell he had been evasive and did not want me to know.

At this point he got really quite angry at me and started saying the reason he didn't tell me was because he knew I would have a problem with it and essentially it was none of my business anyway. He further went on to say I massively overstepped the line in respect of his personal boundaries and that I was weird and essentially I was the one with the problem. He referred back to checking his phone (about 2 years ago now) to which I had told him at the time he had. On this occasion he had up and left the house and told me he had been in a hotel for two days which in my gut I just didn't believe. I then checked his phone to see that he had been out on the drink with his friend and there was a history on his phone of looking up his ex's on his phone and looking through pictures of girls which I found particularly odd. This is the only time I had gone through his phone as I just knew he wasn't; telling me the truth as to where he had been . It also transpired that he has been so ill with drink that he couldn't come and see his children on one of the days he had been away.

Anyway with all this being said, again am I overacting here in this situation. If it were you, would you get pissed off at this? I just feel again let down by him and it hurts significantly and I'm wondering if this is the last straw as I really am not prepared to be let down anymore.

Why are you with this man?

He’s awful and you know we think he’s awful. You keep telling us these deeply unpleasant things about him, but poring over the myriad ways in which he’s a knob is honestly a waste of your time, at this point. What you need to do is leave.

I’m sorry the update isn’t that you’ve told him to leave.
I do feel bad as he does do some stuff. He will never refuse to come places with the kids at the weekend and will get involved in organised days out etc but again it's me that generally organises everything and he just turns up.
Don’t feel bad, he’s a pretty shit guy. When he says he’s bringing in the money he means for him, none of its for you is it? He wouldn’t fund your mat leave at all until you insisted- you have done this mostly on your own so far and you will be great on your own. Great also that you own the house and I’m not sure he’d have any claim in it if you’re not married . See a solicitor please!

He's a waste of space, and probably cheating on you too.

This guy is a nothing! Take your children and your house and get a dog. If he tries to get money from you, file for child support. Also every morning when you get up, say out loud to yourself? "It is better to be a strong single parent than some man's doormat."