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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to break up with him?

60 replies

Lulu44 · 04/08/2021 18:00

So i'll start off by saying that I've only had 2 relationships, the first I left by fleeing to a refuge, and the 2nd break up was almost heading the same way, so I've never actually done a 'normal' break up.

I started dating this guy in February this year, then we became official around 2 months later, so around 6 months tops. Things went well through the dating stage, he seemed to share the same interests, we both chose date ideas and locations, he was in a hurry for us to become a couple and I put this down to him never having a relationship before and the excitement of us both seeming to be on the same page for everything.
But since we became a couple he's stopped making any effort, we only go out if I plan it, other wise we stay at mine and he sits drumming his fingers and sighing. I've tried to get him to book/plan for things or come up with ideas but he can't as he's too worried he'll get it wrong and I won't enjoy it, even if I offer tonnes of reassurance, basically I sort it or it doesn't happen. On top of this there's lots of mental/emotional red flags popping up and long story short i want out.

Like I said I haven't really properly broken up with someone before so I've tried to do some research but im not really sure on the best way to do it.
I can't phone him, we only text, I tried to phone him once and he claims he went into meltdown thinking something was terribly wrong. I have to stick with his text style of he 'worries' and 'assumes the worst'.
So meet up in person? He lives with his family so I can't go there. I don't want to do it at my place. We're just under an hours drive from each other and in his opinion meeting up for a coffee is strange as we should want to spend as much time together as possible, so asking to meet at a coffee shop or even a service station half way will prove tricky.
The 3rd thing is if we plan to go anywhere then he has to come to mine first, and then travel together. Even if the place we are heading to is equal distance or closer to his, to me this doesn't make sense and this has caused arguments and I end up feeling guilty like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to muck about.
I'm probably over thinking this but If you were in my shoes how would you end it please?

OP posts:

Pegasusmail · 04/08/2021 18:01

Oh god I would just text him in this scenario

pog100 · 04/08/2021 18:04

I think, given what you've told us, the short answer is as soon as you possibly can! He sounds like a liability. I know it's seen as not the done thing on MN but given how his rules make meeting up difficult I'd at least initiate the split by text, followed if necessary but meeting for a coffee, since his objections to that would then be null and void.

TooWicked · 04/08/2021 18:06

I would text him. Short and sweet - the relationship isn’t working for you, you can’t see a future with him and it’s not something you want to work on.

RandomMess · 04/08/2021 18:06

Just text him "it's not working for me, hope you find someone else. Bye"

Then block.

RantyAunty · 04/08/2021 18:06

He sounds like a weirdo.
Have you ever been to his house?

Dillydollydingdong · 04/08/2021 18:09

You don't need to meet him. Just send a text saying "Sorry boyfriend, I don't think we're right for each other and we need to go our separate ways. Best of luck for the future. Lulu".

romdowa · 04/08/2021 18:10

I agree , a text here is totally acceptable.

Umberellatheweatha · 04/08/2021 18:13

Considering he sounds like a dick...I wouldn't do it in person. Text message is not ideal but in this case i think it would be acceptable. You've only been dating 6 months afterall.

Perhaps you could text him 'hey, could we have a quick phone chat?' and if he says no then just do it by text.

Something like 'hey, I'm sorry to do this by text but I feel that this relationship doesn't work for me anymore. Neither of us are happy. And we both deserve to be happy. I wish you all the best but let's call it a day'.

Do you have ahy of eachothers stuff?

LittleFroggie · 04/08/2021 18:36

If you really want to do it face to face, definitely meet halfway. Tell him very short notice and ask him to come and meet you somewhere. It doesn’t matter that he’s be suspicious somethings up - it is!! Good luck OP!

Fustyoldface · 04/08/2021 18:36

Oh come on op this isn’t right. Set the bar higher than this. Just say this isn’t really working out for me and wish you the best, you don’t need to say more than that as that sums it up.

LittleFroggie · 04/08/2021 18:37

Or you could text him saying you’re at X place near his house, come and meet you?

Fustyoldface · 04/08/2021 18:37

Op umbrellas text above is very nicely worded and fair.

Bumblebee413 · 04/08/2021 18:40

I mean, he doesn't like you phoning because he worries something is wrong... it actually would be, so, I don't think there'd be anything wrong in ringing him to do it?

user16395699 · 04/08/2021 18:43

long story short i want out

Thank goodness, he is very controlling and this is not remotely healthy. I think you're in your 3rd abusive relationship.

Just text him. No point jumping through all his ridiculous hoops to meet up, he'll only start trying to manipulate you out of it. Don't give him that chance, you just need rid of him.

And then look at doing the Freedom Programme course and some trauma therapy, so that you can break these patterns and reset your view of healthy, loving relationships.

4togonow · 04/08/2021 18:44

Text. I think you would have a problem with him if you tried to do it face to face. If he was reasonable you could offer to talk on the phone after the text, but it sounds like he would be difficult.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/08/2021 18:45

Agree with above - text him and say can we have a quick chat and if he says no then send a message.

He sounds hard work and there’s quite a few red flags so please don’t feel bad about doing it via call or text.

You don’t owe anyone your time OP, end it ASAP! You’ll feel better after, he might be upset but hey thats life, we’ve all been there

HalzTangz · 04/08/2021 18:51

Text him.
Say I want to meet you at X place (somewhere half way) and say this isn't up for discussion. Say on the text I won't go into this via messages, either meet me at X place or call me on the phone

frozendaisy · 04/08/2021 19:04

@Pegasusmail

Oh god I would just text him in this scenario

Snap!

NotaCoolMum · 04/08/2021 19:04

Text or phone call is perfectly appropriate in this instance x

Bagamoyo1 · 04/08/2021 19:08

@RandomMess

Just text him "it's not working for me, hope you find someone else. Bye"

Then block.

Jesus do people really do this, in a civilised society? What a sad world this has become.

OP unless you want to be a total rude obnoxious arse, you break up with him in the way you would want someone to break up with you.
Ideally face to face, but if not, then on the phone. Texting is a last resort.
Given the distance, I would text and say that you need to talk. If he says no, then you’ll have to text him. Just explain that you’re not feeling it any more, that you don’t see a future, and that you want to stop seeing him. If he hassles you for reasons you can explain as in your OP, or you can just say it just doesn’t feel right.
There’s no need for nasty cutting off and blocking, unless he gets stroppy with you and becomes a pain.

Blueskytoday06 · 04/08/2021 19:13

I'd text him.

RandomMess · 04/08/2021 19:34

@Bagamoyo1 she isn't permitted to phone him and won't meet up half way...

Yep under other circumstances I would do it differently of course but he is completely controlling their interactions.

SilverRoe · 04/08/2021 19:40

He will only communicate via text so a text is fine. Don’t do it in person he sounds like he’d mega overreact.

user16395699 · 04/08/2021 19:42

Jesus do people really do this, in a civilised society? What a sad world this has become.

Did you not read the op?

girlmom21 · 04/08/2021 19:50

He sounds really strange and quite unstable.

If he refuses to have phone calls I would text him. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would take a face to face break up well so should really be done somewhere semi-public and it sounds like he wants all of your time together to be in private.

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