How to break up with him?

[Lulu44]

So i'll start off by saying that I've only had 2 relationships, the first I left by fleeing to a refuge, and the 2nd break up was almost heading the same way, so I've never actually done a 'normal' break up.

I started dating this guy in February this year, then we became official around 2 months later, so around 6 months tops. Things went well through the dating stage, he seemed to share the same interests, we both chose date ideas and locations, he was in a hurry for us to become a couple and I put this down to him never having a relationship before and the excitement of us both seeming to be on the same page for everything.
But since we became a couple he's stopped making any effort, we only go out if I plan it, other wise we stay at mine and he sits drumming his fingers and sighing. I've tried to get him to book/plan for things or come up with ideas but he can't as he's too worried he'll get it wrong and I won't enjoy it, even if I offer tonnes of reassurance, basically I sort it or it doesn't happen. On top of this there's lots of mental/emotional red flags popping up and long story short i want out.

Like I said I haven't really properly broken up with someone before so I've tried to do some research but im not really sure on the best way to do it.
I can't phone him, we only text, I tried to phone him once and he claims he went into meltdown thinking something was terribly wrong. I have to stick with his text style of he 'worries' and 'assumes the worst'.
So meet up in person? He lives with his family so I can't go there. I don't want to do it at my place. We're just under an hours drive from each other and in his opinion meeting up for a coffee is strange as we should want to spend as much time together as possible, so asking to meet at a coffee shop or even a service station half way will prove tricky.
The 3rd thing is if we plan to go anywhere then he has to come to mine first, and then travel together. Even if the place we are heading to is equal distance or closer to his, to me this doesn't make sense and this has caused arguments and I end up feeling guilty like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to muck about.
I'm probably over thinking this but If you were in my shoes how would you end it please?

Absolutely text, defo way to go especially if odd and at a distance. All this need to do in person is BS, I have both done the dumping and been dumped by text, and I tell you, it's easier than in person from both sides, doing and having it done in person is more excruciating. It's also only been a few months, if we were talking years, maybe.

Do it by text,he sounds weird.
Are you sure he doesn't have a gf.
No phonecalls,only texting.
Still lives with his family.
Coming to yours and then going out.
Sounds a bit James Bond.

Text. It’s his preferred style of communication so even if it’s not how you would normally do it I don’t think he has left you any choice
Hi X. This relationship isn’t working for me. We want different things so I don’t feel we are compatible long term. I wish you all the best for the future Please don’t contact me again

Thanks for your replies. I know its usually frowned upon to do it via text thats why I was trying to look for another way but I do think it's the best option. Some of his behaviours are very odd but I put them down to insecurity or inexperience, denial maybe?

@RantyAunty

He sounds like a weirdo. Have you ever been to his house?

No, apparently I've been invited both round there and to meet ups with his friends but he only says after the occasion has passed.

I think it would be fine to do it over text in this scenario.

But if that feels all wrong to you and want to do it in person, drive over (annoying that it's an hour each way!) ask him to hop in the car for a chat, so you're not in his family home with family downstairs but also not committed to a meal out, it'll only take a min. And just say as clearly as you can, 'I don't want to continue seeing you any more, the relationship isn't right for me. Hope you will be ok and find someone you can really connect with'. Say goodbye, don't display much emotion if he gets upset. Short and sweet, no going in to it in great detail, you don't need to. Leave. And don't reply to any follow up messages. Maybe don't even look at your phone for a few days.

That sounds very dodgy

Good rule of thumb, 99% of the time if you think 'oh maybe he is just insecure' he is actually - just controlling.

Either way though, insecure people shouldn't be dating anyway until they've worked through their issues. And you dont have to excuse bullshit because there might be a reason for it. Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable no matter the reason. You're definately making the right move getting out of this thing.

@user16395699

long story short i want out

Thank goodness, he is very controlling and this is not remotely healthy. I think you're in your 3rd abusive relationship.

Just text him. No point jumping through all his ridiculous hoops to meet up, he'll only start trying to manipulate you out of it. Don't give him that chance, you just need rid of him.

And then look at doing the Freedom Programme course and some trauma therapy, so that you can break these patterns and reset your view of healthy, loving relationships.

I've done the freedom programme (twice ) but not tried therapy, might give that one a go as there's definitely a pattern.

I wasn't very well this weekend and he insisted on coming over anyway, I had to really talk him in to putting a pizza in as I wasn't up for cooking, he burnt it....in my opinion this was on purpose, he just laughed it off and I ended up cooking anyway.
Then at bedtime I was exhausted, and yet everytime I shut my eyes he started talking to me, followed up by waking me up early as he couldn't sleep and he just wanted to talk to me as I'm so amazing! These are definitely 2 abusive tactics, and I just wish I'd been with it enough to tell him where to go once he was out the front door.

Oh gosh yes the not letting you sleep is a definate common abuse tactic.

You sound like you're getting better at spotting these sorts now at least :)

I'm so mad at myself for turning a blind eye and making excuses for him.

I would send him a text and tell him you need to speak to him and say that you are going to call him. Then tell him over the phone. He might not like speaking on the phone but too bad

Yeh I'm changing my answer, I dint think you should even attempt the phonecall. Just text it then as soon as he has replied (probably with utter bile, but just so that he feels he has had the last word) block. You dont even need to read the reply.

If he shows up, dont answer the door. And dont be persuaded that you owe him some sort of face to face chat. No good would come of that. Just dump and stick to your guns. You gotta protect yourself first and foremost, against ppl who essentially, mean you harm.

OP just text and tell him it isn't working, and that you don't see a future together. Done. And don't agree to meet up with him, it will just drag it out and be awkward.

He sounds too intense and you seem to have issues asserting your boundaries.

Maybe you should take a break from dating altogether for a while.

Text that you dont think its working and you dont feel he is the right one for you. Its not him personally, but you need something different. Ask him not to contact you further or to come to your home.

Never answer the door to him.

Given some of the behaviours you’ve described I wouldn’t meet him face to face

Text him. Say that youve been thinking a lot about this and you really dont think you are right for each other and although youve had some fun dates, you are calling it a day and breaking up

Ye OP after the update - just text him. I really don’t agree with dumping via text usually, but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. I dumped one guy via text, he was likely to kick off and a proper weirdo so I just didn’t feel comfortable doing it face to face. He sent me LOTs of abuse and I of course blocked him. He was still trying to contact me via mutual friends two years later!!! Such a weirdo. Some people just deserve a text, sorry but you have to look after yourself. Send him a text, block and focus on yourself. You e been through enough. Wish you all the best!

Im another one to text, just text saying the relationship isn't working for you anymore and you don't want to continue, wish him well in future then block! Sounds like you have dodged a bullet with this one. Good luck

I can see why he's never had a relationship before
In these circumstances I'd do it by text
And I'd make sure all my home security is up to the job as he sounds the type to turn into a stalker , I dunno why I just get that vibe

As others have said, send him a text saying it's over. Use one of the examples posted. Then delete and block him.
Don't meet with him. He could be dangerous.
If he shows up, call the police.

He’s awful. Definitely text him, you don’t want to engage face to face with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

I would just text as well. Not like your hoping to stay friends with this guy, I think in person is really for if you have something serious like marriage or kids but just a short term relationship I would end by text short sweet and then no arguments. If he wants to try then block

@user16395699

Jesus do people really do this, in a civilised society? What a sad world this has become.

Did you not read the op?

Have you thought about writing him a letter?

The keeping you up when you were falling asleep is certainly abusive. He doesn't deserve one more second of your time OP. You have definitely dodged a bullet there. Text him.

Maybe do some research as well online about co-dependant/narcissistic relationships. People on these chats have recommended Youtube videos by Lisa Romano and Dr Ramani. They are great have a watch!