Has your partner ever come back after having doubts?

YoungWerther · 04/08/2021 06:09

She's dumped you, but she's made a terrible job of it.

ActonSquirrel · 04/08/2021 06:17

She said she doesn't want to lose me and is worried she will regret this. She said she is confused and doesn't know what she is thinking and feeling

Yes my ex said that. There was someone else.

Confusion means there is someone else usually.

category12 · 04/08/2021 06:22

Reckon there's someone else on the scene.

She's sort of keeping her options open and doesn't want to be the "bad guy" by saying "actually our relationship was great but I fancy someone else", so she's come up with a lot of guff to confuse things.

category12 · 04/08/2021 06:24

So she may well want to come back, but she'll have been shagging someone else in the meantime.

RLOU30 · 04/08/2021 06:29

I think you posted a couple of days ago didn’t you about her going on holiday with a group and an x-fling ? if it really is out of the blue maybe it is guilt talking and she’s made a massive mistake?

I have broken up with a couple of long term partners when I still loved them but wasn’t in love any more and I’ve never gone back. I don’t know what it is for a woman when something goes it’s so hard to get back.

I’m sorry you are struggling. Heartbreak is the worst pain and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

category12 · 04/08/2021 06:58

Oh yes, I guess you were hoping for some different sort of answers, op?

I do think it's a lot simpler story than she's making out.

Did you ask her if there's someone else on the scene?

FirstStarToTheRight · 04/08/2021 08:57

She sounds very superficial and disloyal.
You’ve had a lucky escape.

Furnituraf · 04/08/2021 08:58

Yes they did @Crumpets123

But I honestly wish they hadn’t. There was much better out there for me. I’m certain there is for you too.

Ihbtgf · 04/08/2021 10:43

I have been the girlfriend in your situation. After about two years of relationship I had massive doubts. I did not fancy anyone else, I just had doubts about him being the perfect match. I resonate to everything you have written about what your girlfriend said. Pure confusion, love, doubts etc. It had all to do with our communication issues, but also the fact that he was my first long-term boyfriend ever and I was kind of used to being alone. He had and still has some traits I do not consider as perfect match. I thought about it all during a week long break and figured that there is so much I like and love about him, and those things that caused the doubts could perhaps be solved or communicated better. I decided to concentrate on the good, because there was much of good. We worked through it, though it was difficult couple of months I must say. We are now very happy (5 years together now). Still, I must admit the reasons behind the confusion and doubts still lurk in the background still and in some ways I sometimes feel I have settled and maybe it would have been better if I had ended it then completely. But overall I do not regret, because I understand that no relationship is perfect and the good outweighs the bad tremendously.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 05/08/2021 06:00

@Ihbtgf

I have been the girlfriend in your situation. After about two years of relationship I had massive doubts. I did not fancy anyone else, I just had doubts about him being the perfect match. I resonate to everything you have written about what your girlfriend said. Pure confusion, love, doubts etc. It had all to do with our communication issues, but also the fact that he was my first long-term boyfriend ever and I was kind of used to being alone. He had and still has some traits I do not consider as perfect match. I thought about it all during a week long break and figured that there is so much I like and love about him, and those things that caused the doubts could perhaps be solved or communicated better. I decided to concentrate on the good, because there was much of good. We worked through it, though it was difficult couple of months I must say. We are now very happy (5 years together now). Still, I must admit the reasons behind the confusion and doubts still lurk in the background still and in some ways I sometimes feel I have settled and maybe it would have been better if I had ended it then completely. But overall I do not regret, because I understand that no relationship is perfect and the good outweighs the bad tremendously.

Thank you @Ihbtgf for your perspective from the other side.

Do you not think that one day you will just meet the person who doesn't give you doubts? And how did your partner trust you afterwards that you wouldn't end things again? I feel like if my girlfriend did have space and want to work things out with me that I would struggle to feel secure after this

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Ihbtgf · 05/08/2021 12:39

Hi, @Crumpets123, how are you doing?

Well, I think it is a matter of choice, to be honest. I normally do not meet many new people and I would have to specifically look for other men to meet someone. But of course, I have seen fun or great looking guys around me and I have thought about whether they would be better, but then I have instantly noticed that they too have their negative sides or I have thought about what I like about my DP and again this outweighs everything else now. Basically I have chosen to be with him and I do not actively think about whether someone else would be a better match (if anything, I would consider being alone without any relationship). Of course, I cannot predict the future, so there is always a chance that either me or him would find someone else to better.

Regarding trust. There have been a couple (maybe 2?) occasions when I have been distant (not related to him or my doubts) when he has admitted that he felt insecure and thought that I would leave again. I do not know how many times he has had those feelings without telling me. In those occasions, I have reassured him that I'm just stressed about work or whatever and he has nothing to worry about. I have also reminded him that I have been distant many-many times during our relationship (I sometimes just need space to think my own thoughts) and only once have I left and this has made him realise that indeed, no worries. His trust, however, is something I cannot control, and to be honest I have told him that neither of us can predict the future and maybe one day he decides to walk away - worrying and feeling insecure does not prevent it happening.

On couple of occasions, we have even laughed about the temporary break-up. I have never joked about it, but he has a couple of times in a joking matter mentioned it and we both have had a good laugh.

Overall, we do not talk about it, I do not really know how insecure he is, but in everyday life it seems he is well past and over it. I have overall left him work it through himself, to be honest. We worked it through together after the break up, but since then I have not raised the topic and never talked about it. Only when he has told me he feels insecure, I have assured him that I do not plan to leave. I'm not sure how he has managed to trust me.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 05/08/2021 13:03

@Ihbtgf

Hi, *@Crumpets123*, how are you doing?

Well, I think it is a matter of choice, to be honest. I normally do not meet many new people and I would have to specifically look for other men to meet someone. But of course, I have seen fun or great looking guys around me and I have thought about whether they would be better, but then I have instantly noticed that they too have their negative sides or I have thought about what I like about my DP and again this outweighs everything else now. Basically I have chosen to be with him and I do not actively think about whether someone else would be a better match (if anything, I would consider being alone without any relationship). Of course, I cannot predict the future, so there is always a chance that either me or him would find someone else to better.

Regarding trust. There have been a couple (maybe 2?) occasions when I have been distant (not related to him or my doubts) when he has admitted that he felt insecure and thought that I would leave again. I do not know how many times he has had those feelings without telling me. In those occasions, I have reassured him that I'm just stressed about work or whatever and he has nothing to worry about. I have also reminded him that I have been distant many-many times during our relationship (I sometimes just need space to think my own thoughts) and only once have I left and this has made him realise that indeed, no worries. His trust, however, is something I cannot control, and to be honest I have told him that neither of us can predict the future and maybe one day he decides to walk away - worrying and feeling insecure does not prevent it happening.

On couple of occasions, we have even laughed about the temporary break-up. I have never joked about it, but he has a couple of times in a joking matter mentioned it and we both have had a good laugh.

Overall, we do not talk about it, I do not really know how insecure he is, but in everyday life it seems he is well past and over it. I have overall left him work it through himself, to be honest. We worked it through together after the break up, but since then I have not raised the topic and never talked about it. Only when he has told me he feels insecure, I have assured him that I do not plan to leave. I'm not sure how he has managed to trust me.

Hi @ihbtgf thank you for your reply

I am not feeling great. Feeling so sad and heartbroken. But I am respecting her space and I haven't tried to contact her since she left. She told me she was going to be staying with friends for a few days, so I am not sure when she will be in touch, but I am leaving her to do what she needs.

Her mum text me today asking if I was okay, which just made me feel sad, because I feel like the the fact she has told her mum just makes it more official and real.

I am still holding onto hope that she will have some space and have a change of heart and realise she does want to be with me, but I don't know if I can see that actually happening. I know that she is right in that our relationship was hard and we did have communication issues, and I can't say what she is saying is wrong - there might well be someone better suited to her than me. I just still felt in love and to me the positives were worth it.

Do you think I should just continue to give her space and time and just act in my head as if it is over? She was so confused and that is making it hard for me to accept it

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Ihbtgf · 05/08/2021 14:06

I'm so sorry, it must be awful to be in this situation. I hope you have some friends to hang out with or something to do you really enjoy, to give you some break from the sadness.

So it is been 2 days now, right? I would give a couple of more days to her, to be honest. But, without knowing her though, I would suggest to reach out then, if she hasn't. Just to show that you care, that you are willing to work through things, that you are ready to really talk things through and listen to her.

My DP did it - reached out and wanted to work through things and I'm pretty confident it really was a key for us staying together. Since then we have also learned that communication is the key. Of course, having some space sometimes is OK, but it is better to then talk things through and not just run away and hide. This is why I think you could not make things worse by reaching out in a couple of days. Because if you then end up being together and you both are happy - great! Or if she then tells you that it is all over and there is no coming back - sad, but at least you know where you stand and you can then start to move on. Or if she gets irritated that you reach out and she would want to hide alone (with her friends) so long and breaks up with you due to you not giving her enough space - well, would it really be the communication style you would want to have with her in the future that whenever something goes wrong, she would just run away and you could not reach out and she would be silent for a week or two or god knows how long?

There is also the option that you try to ignore the situation, e.g. find some other things to do, think about moving on, trying to heal, and trying not to think about her. And when she finally reaches out, you can then decide whether you still want to be with her.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 05/08/2021 15:46

Thank you @ihbtgf

I hear what you are saying about the reaching out..however I just feel like she already knows where I stand and that I was against the break up. But I guess she also knows that I said that I couldn't be with her if she had so many doubts. It is like I want to be with her, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know if this is the relationship for them

Do you think it was wrong, or unfair of me to say I can't be with her if she has doubts? As I know a lot of people may have fleeting doubts time to time, but it was more all the stuff saying how she isnt fully fulfilled with me and doesn't know if she is in love... I just feel like has anyone felt that fulfilled in the past year with the pandemic?!

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Ihbtgf · 06/08/2021 09:02

Hi, @Crumpets123

Everything you feel, say, or do is right! You have every right to say that you do not want to be with someone who doubts your relationship, no one can blame you for wanting a secure relationship. In the end of the day, you must do what feels right to you!

Re the reaching out. I suggested it because it seemed to me you really want to stay together with her. However, I see that you start questioning whether you could trust her again and how fulfilling this relationship could be. Now based on this, I would suggest you to take time to think what you really want, what are your boundaries and at the same time try to find some positive things to do. You cannot control her decisions, you can control your own. And you must first figure out what it really is what you want, what you can handle, what are your limits and then act based on those. And again - you have every right to do as your heart and head tells you. Even if you decide that you do not want to be with her, when she comes back - it is your right, there is nothing wrong about it.

I hope you manage to find some answers soon and you can start to enjoy life again :)

I'm leaving for a holiday now and I do not have internet connection there, so I'm sorry but I cannot be here for you for several days. I wish you all well!

FirstStarToTheRight · 12/08/2021 14:02

How are you managing, OP? Any updates?

Amdone123 · 12/08/2021 14:11

How are you doing, op ?
I hope things are getting better for you.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 12/08/2021 15:55

Thank you @FirstStarToTheRight and @Amdone123 for checking in...

Updates- she spent a few days at friends, and then she kept messaging me, telling me she missed me, was homesick, being without me made her appreciate me more, didn't want to break up...

And then she came home for one night and the next day, she left again and saying she didn't know what she wanted again and said she loved me and wanted to be with me but wasn't 100%, so now she has gone again :-( she said she is really depressed and needs to speak to a counsellor. She said she feels really unhappy in herself and the problem is her, not me

Don't know whether to wait things out for a few weeks or what to do?

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FirstStarToTheRight · 12/08/2021 16:07

You can’t be expected to be a human yo-yo🪀 !
Is it really fair on yourself to hang in there without even a promise of what to hold on for... Don’t you want to be with someone who’s sure about you?

Have you made a list of what is good for you in this relationship as opposed to bed? What is the hook keeping you there?
If you don’t want to answer here, just something to think about.

FirstStarToTheRight · 12/08/2021 16:08

bed = bad

Amdone123 · 12/08/2021 16:12

@Crumpets123, no problem.
You're obviously in a lot of turmoil atm, so I would just try to distract yourself with other things. I understand you want answers - it's your future, after all, but you can't control her actions, just your own.
Take some time out. Do you have friends or family you can be with ?
I hope you get some answers soon.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 12/08/2021 16:16

@FirstStarToTheRight

You can’t be expected to be a human yo-yo🪀 ! Is it really fair on yourself to hang in there without even a promise of what to hold on for... Don’t you want to be with someone who’s sure about you?

Have you made a list of what is good for you in this relationship as opposed to bed? What is the hook keeping you there?
If you don’t want to answer here, just something to think about.

The hook is that I still love her and I still want her :-( even though she has messed me around. She told me yesterday that she hates herself for how she has treated me, but you are right, she hasn't officially told me it is over for good, but what has she given me to hold on to and for how long? I feel like a mug.

When we were happy together, I felt like the most loved and adored person in the world. I thought she was my person and my future was with her.

She is just so confusing because she said when she thinks of her future she imagines it with me. And she just kept talking how she is so unhappy at work and unhappy in herself and I don't know if she is having some sort of crisis, and I should give it some time, or not? I just don't know what to do.

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BritishSummertime · 12/08/2021 16:17

She's keeping you on the hook/back burner in case she doesn't find someone else or she's seeing someone on the side & isn't sure if it'll work out.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who doesn't have to question if they want to be with you?

BritishSummertime · 12/08/2021 16:19

Cross posted with your update. She's being really unfair to you, she either needs to piss or get off the pot, stringing you along like this isn't a sign of someone in love.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 12/08/2021 16:45

I really don't think there is anyone else involved at all. She has been feeling so low for several months, she hates her job, she has gained a lot of weight, she has been unhappy. She has her first session with a counsellor on Friday which I am hoping she will find helpful.

I don't want to us to end :-( and because she kept telling me she loves me, I guess I am holding onto that. She said so many times on Tuesday she wanted to be with me - so why did she go? Why does she need space? She told me the more questions I was asking, the more it was making her want to hide away. I don't understand why we can't work through what she is battling together? Unless she thinks I could be the reason she is so unhappy?

Maybe I need to give myself a timeline of how long I will wait around for clarity. I don't know.

We still have to see eachother because she looks after our dogs when I'm at work, so I came home today and she was still here. I just feel so awful now. I don't want to see her at all because everytime she leaves, I have to experience her leaving me all over again :(

OP posts: