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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has your partner ever come back after having doubts?

58 replies

Crumpets123 · 04/08/2021 06:03

I know I'm just trying to make myself feel better by posting this.

My partner broke up with me yesterday. She said that she doesn't know how this has even happened because it wasn't on her mind at all. But I was asking her questions about how she feels as I felt something was off.

She said that she loves me so much and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants for the rest of her life. She feels we have some incompatibilities and we could both be happier with someone else. She said this isn't the happiest she has ever been and she isn't completely fulfilled by the relationship. Just a few days ago she was talking about us buying a house and having kids in the future.

I feel so heartbroken because she was what I wanted for my future. And I don't understand what needed to change for her to feel more fulfilled? I feel like the past year and a bit have been boring and unfulfilling generally because of the lockdowns! We both said we couldnt have gone through lockdown with anyone else.

She said she doesn't want to lose me and is worried she will regret this. She said she is confused and doesn't know what she is thinking and feeling, and feels like my questions made her think too hard and have doubts, but I feel like they just made her acknowledge what she was potentially just trying to bury?

She said she loves me so much, and I asked if she just meant in a friend way, but she said no in a romantic way...she feels that I might not be her "perfect" match.

She said to her being in love is the beginning phase where you are obsessed with that person, think about them all the time, all over each other. I said that isn't love - that is lust or infatuation. She said she couldn't articulate what being in love is to her. She said this happens all the time where she is obsessed with someone and then loses interest.

We have been together nearly 3 years and live together.

We both agreed that we couldn"t stay together so she has gone to stay with friends.

I feel so heartbroken. I loved her so much and I never had doubts.

Has anyone experienced their partner having doubts?

OP posts:

Morgoth · 12/08/2021 17:01

Completely agree with everything @BritishSummertime said.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 12/08/2021 17:07

What would you do? Would you send a message to say it is over? Would you give an ultimatum? I feel like even if she did come back, she would have to say and do a lot now for me to feel secure :(

OP posts:

BritishSummertime · 12/08/2021 18:45

I guess I am holding onto that
so why did she go?

you are because you don't want.It to be over which is understandable but actions speak louder than.words and she's contradicting herself. I feel really sorry for you because splitting up is crap but at some point .you need to stop doing the pick me dance, get some self respect and stop.letting her string you along.

TheStoic · 13/08/2021 03:14

What do you do? You become unavailable. Let her wonder what you are doing, for a change.

Your availability and obvious desire to get back together despite the way she is treating you will be killing her respect for you. Because you are showing no respect for yourself.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 13/08/2021 06:51

@TheStoic

What do you do? You become unavailable. Let her wonder what you are doing, for a change.

Your availability and obvious desire to get back together despite the way she is treating you will be killing her respect for you. Because you are showing no respect for yourself.

Thanks @TheStoic well when she did come back on Monday and said how she was feeling etc, I said that I wasn't hearing what I needed to hear to move forward. I said that she wasnt speaking and acting as if she didn't want to lose me and I said it wasn't good enough. So she tried to come back, but I didnt just let her... but I agree. I am not going to contact her unless it is to arrange care for the dogs, and I'm not going to reply to any unimportant messages from her. I think I am going to set my own timer for this situation and if we are still in this limbo situation then I will end it for good myself. Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 13/08/2021 07:11

She is treating you like that because she knows you will put up with that because you love her.

Interestingly being the always available person makes you less attractive, so do not let her walk over you, it is totally selfish and disrespectful of you to be going off and coming back with her indecision. If she needs the space to think about it fine, just set some boundaries. Tell her to come back once she knows what she wants, but if she doesn’t she should better stay away until she does as it is not fair on you.

Personally, I think she knows she can’t come back but feels very guilty about it so cut around that shit as it is more healthy for her to piss off in one go than for her to hurt you far more giving you hope and breaking your heart repeatedly with her dramas and indecision.

GrandmasCat · 13/08/2021 07:15

Don’t put a timer, just asume her gone and start rebuilding your life without her. If she comes back you may need to start from scratch but by then you will be able to think if you want her back with a cold head.

FirstStarToTheRight · 13/08/2021 07:51

@GrandmasCat

Spot on.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 13/08/2021 08:52

She really annoyed/upset me yesterday. She had to come to the house to look after the dogs whilst I was at work. I have suggested a dog Walker which she has said no to, as said she is fine to walk them/be with them.

I said to her that right now I don't want to see her/talk to her as that just brings me down. She said she would let herself in get the dogs, and I could just stay upstairs. I had an interview yesterday morning and I really did not want this jeapordised as I missed an interview last week as I was too upset to be able to go.

But she didn't do that. She knocked on the door 10 minutes before my interview. She was trying to speak to me and ask me questions about the job interview. I said that we agreed she would let herself in so I didnt have to see her, she said she forgot her key. I said I didn't really want to talk. She snapped at me saying that it isnt ideal for her to have to look after the dogs whenever is convenient for me... I said I have to go to this interview and then go to work, I'm not just choosing that I don't want to look after them, and I did suggest a dog Walker. I could feel myself getting worked up and I said I didn't want to talk.

My interview was virtual from home, and i messaged her when i was done. She came back from the dog walk and asked me how it went, and then sighed and was like sorry i forgot, I'm not allowed to talk to you... and did a big sigh.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 13/08/2021 11:09

Sorry lovely she's entered head fuck territory your not chasing her enough for her liking

She tried to sabotage you that's shit behaviour cut her loose and move on

category12 · 13/08/2021 11:23

She's taking the absolute piss and actually trying to sabotage you here. You're going for an interview and she's all like here I am to upset you.

Just get a dog walker anyway and tell her to do one.

TheStoic · 13/08/2021 12:23

You are starting to see her for what she is, crumpets. And that’s a great start.

Would a good person risk jeopardising such an important moment for you, as important as an interview? Would someone who likes you do that to you? Would you do that to her?

She’s like a cat playing with a mouse. She finds this drama fun. Protect yourself.

FirstStarToTheRight · 13/08/2021 12:33

This person in NOT good for you.

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 13/08/2021 16:32

You guys say that she is annoyed I'm not chasing her... but when I was messaging her telling her I loved her, missed her, wanted to be together, she was getting annoyed with me and telling me that she needed space and me saying those things were making her just want to shut everything out

OP posts:

Morgoth · 13/08/2021 17:15

She’s just stringing you along by not committing to you but not ending it with you so she can keep you around as an option until she finds someone she perceives to be better. Don’t message her at all and cut her out from your life. Nobody deserves to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them. If she’s flaky now, she’s going to be flaky in the future when you both have more at stake. Have some self respect and find someone who values you and respects you. Good luck OP

Guiltypleasures001 · 13/08/2021 17:56

That's how she's keeping you chasing after her, then acts annoyed because you are supposedly pressurising her, she's a head fuck

This is quite literally flogging a dead horse
No one who genuinely cares for someone would behave this way
Call her bluff and start the healing process

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 13/08/2021 18:16

Thank you everyone. With each day that passes I grow more tired of this sh*t. I want to be happy and I can't be arsed with this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 15/08/2021 13:23

I am so upset today. She still hasn't given me any update regarding her "confusion". Today she emailed me to tell me how hard it all is for her having to stay at her friends. And how inconvenient it is for her having to come back and fore to the house to look after the dogs when I'm at work and how upsetting it is to be at the house.

Well try living there on your own and being alone every evening!!! She then said that she is taking the dogs for all of next week and keeping them so she doesnt have to come back and forth (without any consideration as to how this will make me feel!) They are the only things getting me out of bed in the morning.

It is both our birthdays next week. We booked the week off to go on holiday together. She says in the email she is now going on her own holiday with her friends. Doesnt mention at all my birthday or show any compassion that I'm going to now be spending a week off on my own and who knows what on my birthday.

The way she is speaking to me is making me feel so worthless. I wanted to get back together, but now I dont even feel it is salvagable. Yet why has she still not told me it is over for good? It is over for good on my end now. Her lack of empathy and compassion has hurt me so much

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 15/08/2021 13:23

Can someone please help me draft a reply? I am so upset

OP posts:

DGFB · 15/08/2021 13:26

This happened to me. They didn’t have anyone else and we’re confused. I made the huge mistake of begging them/trying to make them see sense.
Don’t do that. Step away and don’t call her.. leave her alone. You being needy won’t bring her back.
My ex did want me back but only once I’d moved on and didn’t want him back. You have to not call her or text her, yet to see it as over and move on

DGFB · 15/08/2021 13:28

Regarding a reply, just say that’s fine, enjoy your holiday, let me know what day you’re returning the dogs.
Don’t say anything else.. just that. And plan something for yourself for your week/birthday. Be kind to yourself.
She is acting as if it’s over and you must too

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 15/08/2021 13:28

'She doesn't want to be with anyone else'

Bollocks she doesn't.

It's grim; I'm very sorry. But she's in the wind.

TheStoic · 15/08/2021 13:32

She then said that she is taking the dogs for all of next week and keeping them so she doesnt have to come back and forth (without any consideration as to how this will make me feel!) They are the only things getting me out of bed in the morning.

Here’s a reply: No thanks.

Are you afraid of her ‘not liking you’? I’m not saying this to hurt you, but she already does not like you. You are in the way of her getting what she wants. You are an inconvenience.

What do you want? Apart from her. What do you want?

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 15/08/2021 13:44

Why is she acting as if it is over without actually telling me it is over? The last thing she said regarding the relationship was she doesn't know what she wants, so why doesnt she just say it is over as that is how she is acting!!! Do I tell her that it is over myself?? Or do I just make arrangements to move out and then tell her "I'm moving out on xxx date"

OP posts:

Original poster

Crumpets123 · 15/08/2021 13:46

And I havent been calling her or texting her. She kept messaging me yesterday and when I didnt reply she got her mum to try calling me. I've not been engaging and only talking when I need to arrange care for the dogs

OP posts:

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