Childless and not coping well. Desperate for some help.

[Furnituraf]

I’m 37 in January. I don’t want to have a child alone. I know it’s a potential option but I just don’t.

I’m feeling so down about things. I’ve always wanted to settle down and have a family. Relationships just haven’t worked out. I’ve had counselling, focused on work, focused on other things, dated hard, put efforts into relationships when I’ve had them. Things just haven’t worked out.

I’m with someone at the moment who says he wants kids but it is literally weeks into the relationship. He said at the outset he’d want to be with someone for at least a year before kids which I get and would like to do too ideally.

The main thing I want to do just come to some sort of acceptance that this may never happen. I just don’t know how to find peace. I am so sad all the time. Everyone seems to be announcing births etc and it’s so hard.

I literally spent the last 10 years hoping for this and it just hasn’t worked. I have even prayed for answers as to why it hasn’t worked. I’ve had therapy to see if it’s me doing something wrong. I’ve tried to wonder if there’s just a different path for me but haven’t worked out what that might be yet. I celebrate other people and try and put my all into my friends’ families and not be bitter. I am just so overwhelmingly sad that I don’t have that partnership and family.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just don’t know how to come to terms with the idea that my future is so different to what I had hoped.

Don’t give up yet ! People do have dc into their 40s . Yes there is greater risk of miscarriages as you get older but it’s still possible.
I would recommend you to go for a fertility check up and freeze your eggs. Then you can have a back up at least. It means if you start ttc at 38/39 you could use your younger eggs. It helps to feel you have some control this way.

@Limeinthacoconut thanks for replying. I don’t t think there’s much point in it as I’m older now and also I’ve read it rarely works. I just want to work out how to find peace and I can’t seem to reach it

I’m so sorry. This is so hard for you.
Please don’t give up hope. Plenty of people meet their long term partners in their late 30s or early 40s and go on to have families. I have a few friends who fall into this category. It’s not too late, and you have met someone who you hopefully like and who shares your desire to have children, so all is not lost. Give this relationship time to develop and hopefully children will follow when the time is right.

I spent 10 years going through fertility treatment while all my friends were announcing their pregnancies on Facebook at the rate of about three a week so I have an idea of what you’re going through, and I really do sympathise. It’s awful.

You still have time, so try to enjoy this new relationship for now. You don’t know what’s around the corner.

You're grieving for a life you thought you would have. That takes time to come to terms with, so you can embrace the life that you do have.

It's OK to feel sad, I think it would be weird if you didn't to be honest. I'm really sorry you're feeling so low about it

@Helenahandkart thank you so much for your lovely post. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think I’m at the point of wanting to give up hope. It’s the hope that’s harming me. It’s stopping me finding peace.

I feel you.

I don’t have children and though most of the times I’m ok about it sometimes it just hits me like a steam train and I feel very very sad.

The reasons for me not having children are the right ones so it’s a little different to your situation, but I think instead of ‘making peace’ it’s really important to allow yourself to feel the grief and know that it’ll not be something you ‘get over’.

But like with all grief your life starts to fit around it and you’ll find a new path, and you’ll always have moments when it feels as sharp as at first but the time between them will get bigger.

You WILL find a life that is meaningful and you WILL have happiness, even if it looks nothing like you ever imagined.
But it’s not the life you thought it would be and that’s really hard and shit.

If you try and make it ‘ok’ when you aren’t there yet you’ll just get stuck.

Sending lots of love.

[quote Furnituraf]@Limeinthacoconut thanks for replying. I don’t t think there’s much point in it as I’m older now and also I’ve read it rarely works. I just want to work out how to find peace and I can’t seem to reach it[/quote]
Im 40. I wish i had frozen eggs/embryos at 37 when i thought about it. Please do consider it again. Especially if you'd want more than one child.

Dps sil met his dbs at 40. They had given up hope of conceiving at 44 then a year later she fell pregnant naturally. It can happen

When we have expectations of ourselves that haven't come to fruition as yet we get an overwhelming sense of deep disappointment and failure. I have a feeling thats what's going on inside you. My life is not what I wanted or had expectations of. I suspect many people on MN have not had the life they wanted either. It doesn't solve the question you ask but its important to realise you are not alone in this life journey. I have 4 female friends who all are in their 50s and have had to come to terms that Mr Right didn't come along and they have come to terms with no man and no child. They all went through a grieving period despite many people telling them they have still time to meet and have children or freeze the eggs. What I can say that now all of them are through the grieving period and are living the best lives possible. All happy, healthy, enjoying life to the full now lockdown is over but it took them some time to realise that life can take you down paths you may not want. You do still have time and you must try and focus on the relationship you have now. Build it slowly and see how it goes.

Also, there is some good material out there on dealing with disappointment and lost ideals. It's ok to mourn the future life you thought you would have. Now might bw a good time to take stock and work out what you really want. What did you hope to get from a family and what do you fear you'll miss? There are other ways of achieving purpose, belonging, legacy, service, affection, sense of team, fun, love etc.

Ps you are 36.Not 37 yet. Stop wishing your life away! ( i did the same)

I suggest investing time to go to a fertility clinic and getting some facts on egg freezing, rather than just thinking it’s not an option. Have you done this already? You may have a lot of good quality eggs now. I had my first child when I turned 38 as I didn’t meet dh until I was 37. I didn’t go egg freezing route and wish I had as I had multiple losses after the first , likely egg quality related. I wish I’d tried a few other things when I was a few years younger.

I do have children but sadly my husband died whilst they were young, leaving me very alone and financially broke. I have had to work hard on finding peace of mind because there were times life just felt unbearable.
I had to learn to break my attachment of the life l had envisaged, to the life l actually had, it's not easy, because your mind will put up strong resistance.

I still do think there is hope for you, but maybe try to also change your perspective to if it doesn't happen, l m still determined to live the best life l can, whatever. Everything in life is a stage, and it will come and it will go. Focus on what you do have, l know your thinking I'm 37 it's not going to happen, that's just fear speaking, nobody knows what the future has in store, you have to remember lots of people don't even get the priverledge of living to 37, we take it for granted, and having children is all well and good, but it's also absolutely exhausting, stressful and does put a strain on your relationship at times. I only ever envisaged being a mum with a tiny new born, fast forward and l have two strapping very assertive teenagers, bigger than me. as much as in love them I can tell you for sure it's no walk in the park.
I find listening to some of Mooji s meditations on YouTube good for looking at life differently, to embrace the life you have, rather the than the one you wanted. Good luck.

I was nearly 38 before I had my first child and nearly 42 when I had my second. Don't give up.

I can understand why you feel like having hopes that are then dashed is the hardest, and so you want to move on from that to protect yourself.

I do want to (gently) disabuse you of the idea that “it rarely works” once you’re a bit older though. The whole fertility cliff thing is really in your mid forties not your mid thirties. It might take a bit longer but it’s by no means a lost cause - I had mine at 35, 37 and am pregnant again at 40 and I’m by no means an outlier.

Maybe go for a fertility MOT and get a better picture of your own situation - population-level statistics are one thing but within that you have women giving birth at 45 and 25 year olds needing IVF.

I heard in a podcast the average age to freeze eggs is 36. It’s invasive and expensive and data on success rates is mixed and confusing- it would be best to have a consultation with a fertility clinic to see if it’s affordable and worth it for you.

Frozen eggs are not a guarantee but say you and your partner decide to TTC at 39 and after a year it’s not working you can try IVF with the younger eggs. IVF success rates for women age 35-37 are much better than at 40+ and that’s all based on the age of the eggs, so you’d have a better chance with the younger eggs. Many women do also conceive naturally in late 30s and early 40s so you may never need them anyway, it’s just whether it will help you feel more in control to have a back up to try.

I understand the hope is hard, but fertility is never guaranteed whatever your age or relationship status. Did the therapy help? You almost certainly aren’t doing anything wrong, there are similar posts to yours on mumsnet all the time, but maybe therapy more focused on coping with your emotions around your hopes of a family. I had some whilst going through fertility treatment and it was quite useful.

Others have said this more eloquently but I agree that it is it's own form of grief and it DOES feel better with time. I'll be honest, I'm only just getting to the point where I can see friends with children and not feel sad afterwards, but I am getting there and I'm delighting not just in the children - but also in getting back to my life afterwards. I have a life I couldn't have if I had children. I've shaped one that I love. I'd say these days I only feel sad about it once every now and again whereas when I was in my 30s it was much more frequent.

Another thing that helped me - someone said "having a child is just another relationship". I have lots of young people in my life (I teach) so I'm not missing out on this, and I'm making a point of making friends from all generations.

This WILL get easier but you do have to let yourself grieve. It's a huge grief that few people properly understand - or even acknowledge. But it is. Wishing you comfort.

So you're still age 36? I wouldn't necessarily panic too much at this stage - if you'd like to be in a relationship at least a year before TTC then feasibly this would be this time next year in which case you will still "only" be 37.

If you had said you were in your 40s already I'd be more concerned but realistically you have at least 5 years before starting to really re evaluate if having a child will ever happen

I would go for a full fertility MOT though in the meantime so you have all the info about your reproductive health - maybe start on a vitamins and lifestyle overhaul now. Also investigate what the NHS IVF policy is for your area in terms of age limit - for some it's 36 which you would have missed already for others it's 40, others don't provide free IVF at all. That way you will also know whether you will potentially need to put some money aside to self fund IVF

I would also make it clear to your partner that if in a years time he decides he doesn't want children (or children with you) that the relationship will likely be over - it's a tricky one though as you don't want to scare him off either

You could look at egg freezing but honestly
It's expensive and you have to freeze a good quantity to have a good shot at getting blastocysts when it's comes to IVF as freezing eggs is much less successful than freezing embryos

Wow thanks for the replies! Read them all in detail and do appreciate them a lot. Woke up feeling sick and worried and I am actually a lot better after reading them.

How do I stop thinking about all this? To me every month that goes by and I bleed it’s like grief. I’m aware that sounds so silly. I don’t want it to impact my relationship but I fear it will do as my fear takes over sometimes and I can’t envisage my life or future as I had always (aside from my career) hoped and worked towards all this and it’s just not happened.

Thanks again for the posts

Please don't give up. I felt like this and it was awful, I remember it so well.
I met my DH quite by chance through mutual friends when I was 38. I'm 46 now and we have 2 beautiful girls, aged 4 and 1. They were conceived naturally and are perfect. It wasn't an easy journey, I had 2 miscarriages too, but here I am with my little family.
I really hope it works out for you.

I think you're right to try and find peace with where you are.
You might have children you might not.
You're not out of time but you're right to think about it.
It's good that your new relationship is open to the idea of children. My advice would be to put to one side all thoughts of babies for at least 6 months and just invest your time and energy in this new relationship. He has said he is open to the idea but wants some time - which is sensible and if genuine I would have the conversation with him once you know each other better. But I think you do need to be willing to break up and move on if you're not on the same page.
Good luck.

@Helbelle75 thanks so so much. I worry as my mum said she had menopause at 50 and apparently ten years before that is usually the cut off? I don’t know there’s lots of scary stuff to read about it all.

@Beamur thanks. I am struggling with that part, I think because in 6 months I will be the year older. It feels scary. But I also know if I suddenly went into extreme mode about this I would probably lose DP as it wouldn’t be rational to want to do that immediately (deep down I don’t want to do that either!). And I don’t want to lose him as I love him. Just not sure how to manage my feelings, I do like the idea of putting it out of my mind for a fixed time. I think I feel like I’m being reckless or idiotic in doing that as everyday makes me feel like an ageing woman who’s hopes have drawn to a forced close.

Whoops NC fail when posting on another thread

@Helbelle75 thanks so so much. I worry as my mum said she had menopause at 50 and apparently ten years before that is usually the cut off? I don’t know there’s lots of scary stuff to read about it all.

@Beamur thanks. I am struggling with that part, I think because in 6 months I will be the year older. It feels scary. But I also know if I suddenly went into extreme mode about this I would probably lose DP as it wouldn’t be rational to want to do that immediately (deep down I don’t want to do that either!). And I don’t want to lose him as I love him. Just not sure how to manage my feelings, I do like the idea of putting it out of my mind for a fixed time. I think I feel like I’m being reckless or idiotic in doing that as everyday makes me feel like an ageing woman who’s hopes have drawn to a forced close.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP. I'm 37 and not in the same situation as you exactly but I did have a low period after my first DC died and getting pregnant again didn't seem to be happening. I began to try to get my head around not having a living child.

The thing is none of us know what the future holds. In the last year or so a friend of mine has a beautiful DD but her husband left her for another woman, another with a young DD her husband died unexpectedly and another who was unable to have children whose husband died unexpectedly in his 40s. My point is maybe it sounds help to try but to see it that those with children all have something you don't or that they have great lives that you won't have. It is also still possible you have a child. Speak to a fertility specialist about your options. I know lots of people who have had babies in their 40s.

My story is pretty much the same as @Helenahandkart. I also get how you feel in part - I was in despair for many years while having fertility treatment.

I just wanted to say that you have time, there’s a huge difference between freezing eggs and freezing. Embryos. My DC is a embryo frozen when I was 38 and I’m soon to go for the last one.

Also, women have had DC in their 40s for eons. It’s having a ‘first’ child at that age which is modern.

I’m just telling you all this as a ‘you have time’ but I do get it as much as I can relate.

Enjoy your relationship. Try not to panic.