Childless and not coping well. Desperate for some help.

[Furnituraf]

I’m 37 in January. I don’t want to have a child alone. I know it’s a potential option but I just don’t.

I’m feeling so down about things. I’ve always wanted to settle down and have a family. Relationships just haven’t worked out. I’ve had counselling, focused on work, focused on other things, dated hard, put efforts into relationships when I’ve had them. Things just haven’t worked out.

I’m with someone at the moment who says he wants kids but it is literally weeks into the relationship. He said at the outset he’d want to be with someone for at least a year before kids which I get and would like to do too ideally.

The main thing I want to do just come to some sort of acceptance that this may never happen. I just don’t know how to find peace. I am so sad all the time. Everyone seems to be announcing births etc and it’s so hard.

I literally spent the last 10 years hoping for this and it just hasn’t worked. I have even prayed for answers as to why it hasn’t worked. I’ve had therapy to see if it’s me doing something wrong. I’ve tried to wonder if there’s just a different path for me but haven’t worked out what that might be yet. I celebrate other people and try and put my all into my friends’ families and not be bitter. I am just so overwhelmingly sad that I don’t have that partnership and family.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just don’t know how to come to terms with the idea that my future is so different to what I had hoped.

@Berkeys btw I have immune issues and lots of mmcs but 21 weeks now - went to dr Gorgy. Expensive but furthest I have got.

@Limeinthacoconut congrats, great to hear, hope it continues to go well! I am starting on prednisolone next cycle. Fingers crossed…

Most of the women I know here in London had their children in their mid-late 30s/early 40s. You're in a nice relationship, both want kids, he's willing to wait just one year before trying.

I think you're counting yourself out too soon tbh.

@CorianderBee

Most of the women I know here in London had their children in their mid-late 30s/early 40s. You're in a nice relationship, both want kids, he's willing to wait just one year before trying.

I think you're counting yourself out too soon tbh.

Agreed. I was one of the younger women in my London NCT group, at 39.

@Berkeys pm me if you want to chat about what I was on etc x

The desire for a baby is incredibly intense. I met my DH in my 30's and DD arrived shortly before my 37th birthday. When we decided to try for a baby I could think of nothing else! It was very hard seeing other people with babies when it wasn't happening for us.
You're not reckless in giving yourself a set window to try and not fixate on this issue. Look at it differently. Grow your relationship, look after yourself. If 6 months seems too long, maybe revisit this early in the new year? Good time for new beginnings. Enjoy the summer.

I’ve found that things cause me the most anxiety when there is a lot of uncertainty and feel like I don’t have control/agency. If that’s the same for you, I’d focus on practical steps for addressing this where possible. So you could make a plan like: do fertility MOT, have an embargo on baby thoughts for six months, focus on getting yourself baby ready eg switch up to a healthier diet, invest in your current relationship and have lots of childfree fun with DP, take up a new hobby. Obviously it’s all easier said than done but I’ve found taking control over the bits I have control over can help when things are a bit scary/uncertain/overwhelming.

Hi @Furnituraf I could have written this a few years ago. I had pretty much resigned myself to being single and childless forever (woe is me etc etc) and decided to focus on my job in the City.

Then I met my now-husband when I was 38 (on tinder!), engaged and married at 39, DS at 40, DD at 41 and DC3 due in Dec at 43. Let’s just say it’s been an interesting 5years!!

I agree with PP who have said go for a fertility MOT and consider freezing your eggs. I think knowing you have a backup plan will take the pressure off (it did for one of my friends) and you may enjoy your relationship more. I would also say that regardless of how long you’ve been with this man, if you feel it’s not working or you’re not happy, cut your losses. You don’t have the time (or indeed patience!) to be complacent or invest too much at this stage in your life if there are red flags or it’s hard work. Good luck!

Do you post about this a few times each month? Have none of the replies on the many previous threads helped?

If it’s not the same poster, good luck, and there’s loads of threads with the same situation, you could have a look on those, it may help.

18% chance of live birth per treatment cycle still isn’t great but it means there’s a chance if trying naturally at an older age doesn’t work. It might still not be for the OP though, it’s very expensive and quite invasive
Most of these were from donor eggs. Out of the 18% successful, a total of 156, only 39 births were from own eggs. Most of these would have been younger, and that doesn't even go into the number of cycles required to reach that birth.

1% was maybe a bit low, but it is still very low, especially for eggs after 35 yo. I think it would be even worse emotionally to go through this process with such small hope of success.

@NowEvenBetter

Do you post about this a few times each month? Have none of the replies on the many previous threads helped? If it’s not the same poster, good luck, and there’s loads of threads with the same situation, you could have a look on those, it may help.

Yes, I remember a similar-sounding recent poster of the same age, who was very aggrieved that her fairly new boyfriend wouldn’t skip straight through the ‘new romance’ stage to the ‘mundane day to day cohabiting’ stage and commit to having a baby immediately.

To be fair, this does come up a lot on here. It's a hard situation to be in and not the easiest to discuss in real life

@vivainsomnia the first link showed the donor egg success rate was higher, the around 18% on the graph was with own eggs frozen between 37 and 39.

www.hfea.gov.uk/media/2658/egg-freezing-in-fertility-treatment-supplement.pdf

Somewhat strangely, success in own egg IVF from frozen eggs of under 35s was actually lower on that graph than for those who froze their eggs at 35-37. This is per treatment cycle too.

I have even prayed for answers as to why it hasn’t worked. I’ve had therapy to see if it’s me doing something wrong.

@Furnituraf Oh OP, of course it's not you thinking wrong or something. Have you had any medical tests (though it might just be one of those things, you just haven't got lucky so far.) That would be the way to find out if there's a reason for it, not prayers or counselling, evidence based medicine. They would also give you ideas as to how to proceed.

the first link showed the donor egg success rate was higher, the around 18% on the graph was with own eggs frozen between 37 and 39
The data is confusing. this is the age the women had IVF, not the age at which they froze their eggs.

The important information is higher up. Patients who froze their own eggs under 35 had a 15% chance of having a successful thaw cycle. This goes down to 12.5% after 40. However, successful cycle means a positive pregnancy test, not a successful birth. Sadly, there will be a number of very early miscarriages and the older the woman, the higher the risk, even with younger eggs. This goes down to almost 50 over the age of 40.

Women who have IVF at 37-39 with their own eggs have an 18% chance of a live birth, but this would be with eggs frozen at a much earlier age, mainly young women in their 20s who freeze their eggs as a preventive measure due to cancer. This is why the chance of a baby is much higher with donors because most donors are under 30.

OP obviously I can’t give you any guarantees but maybe my story can give you hope.

When I was 37 I didn’t think I’d ever have kids. I had some idea that once I turned 35 my fertility would decrease so much that I probably would never be able to ever get pregnant “the natural way”. I even convinced my self that I didn’t want kids and I told everyone I didn’t want children cause I got fed up with their questions.

At this time had a long distance relationship with a man from a different country (!). We saw each other maybe every six weeks.

A few weeks before I turned 38 I got this weird feeling . I decided that it’s now or never, I want kids! My partner and I never really discussed it, but I just said “Just so you know I’m not using any birth control so whatever happens happens “. And he was fine with it.

I went to see my partner for three weeks about one week after I’d made this decision. After that I had to go back to my home country .

Amazingly enough I managed to get pregnant . First try, 38 years old.
That child is now 5 years old ❤️.

For a long time a thought I just wanted one child. But after moving to my partners home country permanently when I was 39 we decided to try for a second child. Again I got pregnant straight away. Unfortunately that ended with a miscarriage. But two months later ( a week before I turned 40) I was pregnant again and she’s now 2 years old ❤️.

Considering how old I was and that me and my partner didn’t even live in the same country at the time we had all the odds against us. But it worked out!

Best of luck , I know how hard it is. I can totally relate to feeling very alone and not being happy when other people have babies etc.

Also if things don’t work out you can still have an amazing life without kids of your own even if it might not seem like it now.
A friend of mine met a man with kids when she was 40 and is now an amazing step mum .
My sister in law felt very sad in her 40s when she realized she was never gonna have kids.
But she’s now the best auntie to her nieces and nephews and they love her . She’s also always out with friends, traveling, doing nice things for herself .

Wishing you all the best ❤️

I'm mid 40's and sadly never had children due to not meeting anyone. I came to terms with it by thinking about all the negative things around having kids and slowly my mind started to change and now I'm almost pleased I don't have them. Also reading some of the posts on here about how difficult people find it and how many people have had children with completely the wrong person and are now stuck in unhappy marriages makes me realise that I'd rather be childless than in that situation (this isn't meant to offend anyone).

I wouldn't want to be a older parent so although biologically I could still have a baby I know that my time has passed. Before I reached this level of acceptance I used to think about it daily, now I don't really think about it too much. I think it helped that I feel I reached the decision that children are not in my future rather than my body telling me, hope that makes sense.

@vivainsomnia I definitely agree the data is confusing but I don’t think your interpretation of it is correct.

I’m looking at the graph which says “Birth rates PTC by age at freeze” and shows a success rate that’s just below 20% on the graph for women who froze their between 35 and 37. As I say for women who froze their eggs whilst under 35 the rate is lower at 15%, which is admittedly strange. For both groups the donor egg success rate is higher than the own egg success rate.

So just under 20% per the graph was the live birth rate (not pregnancy rate) per single treatment cycle for women who had frozen their eggs aged 35-37 (not used them at that age) and used them in 2016. I very much admit that’s still not a great success rate but it’s much more than 1%.

Really don’t want to derail the thread though so I guess I’ll just say, OP you may want to look into egg freezing and if you do check all information sources and have a realistic understanding of the chance of success, which is not especially high given the invasive nature of the treatment and the price, but may still be something you feel is right for you.

@Furnituraf

I’m 37 in January. I don’t want to have a child alone. I know it’s a potential option but I just don’t.

I’m feeling so down about things. I’ve always wanted to settle down and have a family. Relationships just haven’t worked out. I’ve had counselling, focused on work, focused on other things, dated hard, put efforts into relationships when I’ve had them. Things just haven’t worked out.

I’m with someone at the moment who says he wants kids but it is literally weeks into the relationship. He said at the outset he’d want to be with someone for at least a year before kids which I get and would like to do too ideally.

The main thing I want to do just come to some sort of acceptance that this may never happen. I just don’t know how to find peace. I am so sad all the time. Everyone seems to be announcing births etc and it’s so hard.

I literally spent the last 10 years hoping for this and it just hasn’t worked. I have even prayed for answers as to why it hasn’t worked. I’ve had therapy to see if it’s me doing something wrong. I’ve tried to wonder if there’s just a different path for me but haven’t worked out what that might be yet. I celebrate other people and try and put my all into my friends’ families and not be bitter. I am just so overwhelmingly sad that I don’t have that partnership and family.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just don’t know how to come to terms with the idea that my future is so different to what I had hoped.

Please don't give up! I was your age when I first became pregnant. If your partner wants a baby in a year or so, you'd only be a year later than me. I know someone who just had their first at 43. You've got time!

To everyone saying "don't give up! There's still hope! I had mine at forty whatever...." please don't. The OP was stating that this way of thinking is distressing to her. And for a lot of us who could not have children, actually yes by 37 it was too late. I know you intend kindness, but it isn't always helpful.

@tinselvestsparklepants

To everyone saying "don't give up! There's still hope! I had mine at forty whatever...." please don't. The OP was stating that this way of thinking is distressing to her. And for a lot of us who could not have children, actually yes by 37 it was too late. I know you intend kindness, but it isn't always helpful.

But the OP has no idea whether she has fertility problems as she’s never tried to have a child, as she’s never been in a position where she could do so. While I know she’s struggling with hope, she’s also catastrophising like mad, which isn’t helpful either, if her goal is not to sabotage a promising new relationship with a man who wants children.

Exactly @SmallChairs

@Furnituraf You don't say what you have and haven't had done that is evidence-based. I think doctors would let you check whether there's anything wrong even if you aren't currently trying, if you say you've tried for a year or so at some point in the past and it hasn't worked (you could just say that to get the check up.) Then after that you could do egg freezing or whatever the doctors recommend.

My friend has a 1yo at 42 and is currently pg again.
I think they met maybe around your age.
We ttc for 3y before dc1 was born and 2y for dc2 with ivf. Starting ttc at 30. A lot of it is pure luck.
Now there is the DS blood test thats one less issue too.

Coming from a slightly different place but I needed IVF to have my child. The stats were not good.

What helped was

A) knowing I was doing all the things to optimise our chance of success (even though in reality they make very little difference)

And

B) Planning for a good life without children and making that plan A. And most importantly start living it. I can’t tell you what your plans should include, but they shouldn’t include waiting around for this guy to want kids with you.