Childless and not coping well. Desperate for some help.

[Furnituraf]

I’m 37 in January. I don’t want to have a child alone. I know it’s a potential option but I just don’t.

I’m feeling so down about things. I’ve always wanted to settle down and have a family. Relationships just haven’t worked out. I’ve had counselling, focused on work, focused on other things, dated hard, put efforts into relationships when I’ve had them. Things just haven’t worked out.

I’m with someone at the moment who says he wants kids but it is literally weeks into the relationship. He said at the outset he’d want to be with someone for at least a year before kids which I get and would like to do too ideally.

The main thing I want to do just come to some sort of acceptance that this may never happen. I just don’t know how to find peace. I am so sad all the time. Everyone seems to be announcing births etc and it’s so hard.

I literally spent the last 10 years hoping for this and it just hasn’t worked. I have even prayed for answers as to why it hasn’t worked. I’ve had therapy to see if it’s me doing something wrong. I’ve tried to wonder if there’s just a different path for me but haven’t worked out what that might be yet. I celebrate other people and try and put my all into my friends’ families and not be bitter. I am just so overwhelmingly sad that I don’t have that partnership and family.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just don’t know how to come to terms with the idea that my future is so different to what I had hoped.

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon so sorry for your loss thank you for posting. You are right that I need to alter my perspective. It’s all consuming of me.

I just so desperately want a nights sleep not thinking about it. A day where I don’t wake up feeling physically sick with fear.

I have a decent job and lots of friends, I’m often called upon for advice and seen as someone with my life reasonably together. Yet everyday, at some point, I am honestly frozen in a sickly fear and sadness that paralyses me.

I am so worried my relationship will suffer because of this. He is great but I know that pushing all this on someone after a few months would be insane and unfair.

I understand how you feel and as others have said, if I were you I'd look into freezing your eggs.

You're only 36, you do still have time. I was single until I was 41 and was looking for the whole package. I ended up having a baby with the wrong person and we split when DD was 3. In hindsight I wish I'd taken the journey of motherhood alone. I have a very good friend who used a sperm donor in her early 40s as motherhood was important to her and the relationship side just wasn't working out.

I think you need to work out what it is you want. For me not ever having a child was unthinkable. I thought I needed to be in a relationship to do that. But I have now found out I don't. I'm a very happy single mum. I know I wouldn't be happy single with no child. Decide what it is you want and make peace with yourself.

Having said that, Your new partner sounds good - he wants to have a year long relationship before he considers having a child with you. That makes sense. I know you're in a hurry but you're only 36.

The advice to have children early is very strong on MN. But many, many women don't have children until their late 30s early 40s with zero problems.

Don't risk pushing your new partner away because you want a baby now. You'll be glad you have built a good relationship with him before having a child.

In your shoes I would definitely get a fertility MOT to understand what your position is.

And I've never heard of the 'cut off' point being 19 years before menopause. In fact I've heard the complete opposite; that you're very fertile just before you hit menopause.

10 years!

No one knows how fertile you are. Could you go and have a blood test to see whether you can leave it a year or it is now or never.

Depending on that you can either relax with your Dp and start trying for a baby next year or you have a talk with your Dp if he would be up for a baby now or you go it alone.

If you do go it alone there isn’t any block to you having a partner at some point that makes up your family ideal.

Without the knowledge of how fertile you are then you could be worrying for nothing.
1st at 38 2nd at 40.

Ah OP you sound so sad. I'm sorry. Of course everyone is different, but people do start later than you with success. I met DH at 36, married at 37, DS1 at 38 and DS2 at 39. I know 2 people who've been 5 years later than me with no problem. This guy you're with sounds like he wants children so focus on building a good relationship with him and maybe this will be the one. But I also do think you're doing the right thing trying to coming to terms with other paths in life which can be fulfilling for you.

Hi OP, I don't have a lot of advice as am in the same position albeit have just out of a relationship. Just wanted to send solidarity really!

It sounds like you're on the right track though, you're 36, so all being well do have time for a family and have met a man, ascertained he wants children in the future. Great.

The only thing that jumps out a tiny bit is just now where you've said that you love your DP and I believe you mentioned you'd only been in the relationship weeks. Not dissecting every word you say, but have you known him longer? I only ask as a few weeks is quick to love someone new and I would probably advise (recent experience!) trying to not rush in too much emotionally if what you want is someone who wants the same things and relatively soon. That way, if it doesn't work, you're able to get back into looking quicker. Perhaps keep an eye on that to make sure what you love is the real him you know so far, and not the idea of what can, and hopefully will be in the future. I know it sounds hard-headed but as I say, I'm in the same position and I have to make myself not get carried away. Not saying don't fall in love, just get to know the whole person as much as you can first, if you don't already.

His timeline sounds reasonable. From your reply to Beamur, which I completely understand, it may help you to come up with your own timescales for checking in on this subject so that you can relax a bit knowing that you have a plan in place, say having a conversation in 6-9 months or whatever works for you. You could plan how to approach this, maybe along the lines of 'I am aware you said you wouldn't want to consider having a child in a relationship of less than a year, but as you know, I'm 36 not 26 and it would be great for my peace of mind just to catch up on how you're feeling about this. No pressure either way, just if you're leaning towards not being ready/ wanting that with me then please feel free to say so'. As you say, chasing too soon won't help your relationship but if it would help you to set your own check point, as it were, then as long as you don't ambush him wanting a decision right that second, then he should understand why that's important to you.

I know you don’t want to look like a crazed baby-maker, but your current partner knows your age, wants kids… it’s not hopeless because he’d be an idiot if he thought he could take 5 years to decide to have kids with you. Whilst he can move on and try with a younger woman, the older he gets, the less likely he’ll succeed in that too.

I had a (second) baby, naturally, without even trying at 42, straightforward and easy pregnancy and labour.

My advice is, stay fit and healthy, enjoy your new relationship because if a baby or two DOES arrive in a few years, you will want some lovely couples memories to look back on.

I also have several friends who conceived and went on to have healthy babies well into their 40's.

I can feel the panic in your posts, as if time is slipping away. But try and focus on the fact that you are in a good relationship with someone you love, that is fantastic. Even better, he has told you he would also like children in the future.

I think you really need to try and focus on the positives because in a years time, you could be exactly where you want to be. Just concentrate on your relationship over the next 6 months and then at that point I see no problem with being upfront with him and laying your cards on the table. Good luck OP

OP, don't go into the egg freezing. The chances of a successful pregnancy with IVF at 36 is about 30% after 3 attempts. With frozen embryos, it goes down to about 10% or so %. With frozen eggs, that need to be defrosted and fertilised, the percentage is 1% if that. If you are so emotionally troubled now, how would you possibly cope with the process of IVF with such a low percentage. Yes, in 10-20 years, they might find a way to increase success rate with frozen eggs, but it is still a long way to go.

The reality is that you might not fall pregnant indeed, but whether you do or not is mainly out of your hands.The closest part to be so and fully happy is to focus on your relationship with your partner to take you to the stage when you both agree to ttc. If you don't fall pregnant, however hurtful it would be, you will be able to learn to accept it and still live happily together.

Or this relationship could not work, you could get to the point in totally giving up on the dream, and at 40, meet someone else, marry at 41 and fall pregnant months later. This happened to my grandmother. Met my grand dad at 40, married at 42, one miscarriage at 43, pregnant with my mum, first ever pregnancy at 45.

Or you could change your mind about doing it solo and be happy with that decision.

It might feel like time is closing out on you. This is not totally true, but even if it is, remember that time alone doesn't mean much anyway as you've already find out. Ultimately, you might never fall pregnant, but you currently are with someone you love, and that's precious, so make sure you enjoy every minute of it, regardless of the outcome of pregnancy or not.

I think you’ve had good, practical advice already, so all I’ll add is that you need to try and work on the anxiety — I know you’ve already had therapy, but I wonder whether CBT or something specifically aimed at giving you the tools to manage your anxiety would help? Because it strikes me that your present NOW is actually pretty good. You’re only 36, successful, solvent and in a new relationship with someone who wants children, yet the sadness and anxiety you’re struggling with seem to be from a future date where you’re definitely post-menopausal with no possibility of a biological child and no relationship.

You have everything going for you how. The only thing that concerns me in your posts is you sabotaging your new relationship with your catastrophising.

You're only 36! I'm not sure you realise how young that is or how normal it is to have children in your late 30s. I'm 35 and pregnant with my first, I'll be 36 when they arrive early next year all being well.

A practical thing that you can do in the next few months, if you want to, is to start tracking your cycle (assuming you aren't on birth control). Use ovulation sticks or start tracking your BBT which should give you an idea of if and when you are ovulating. This can give you a headstart for when you are ready to try for a baby, hopefully by this time next year!

@ButFirstTea

You're only 36! I'm not sure you realise how young that is or how normal it is to have children in your late 30s. I'm 35 and pregnant with my first, I'll be 36 when they arrive early next year all being well.

A practical thing that you can do in the next few months, if you want to, is to start tracking your cycle (assuming you aren't on birth control). Use ovulation sticks or start tracking your BBT which should give you an idea of if and when you are ovulating. This can give you a headstart for when you are ready to try for a baby, hopefully by this time next year!

I agree, @ButFirstTea — at 36, I wasn’t planning to have a child, though I’d been in a happy relationship for years. We only decided to ttc the summer I turned 39, and I conceived the first month. DS was born four months before I turned 40.

OP, you still have plenty of time and I really hope it works out for you. But in truth, it might not. It might not work out with your current partner, you might not be able to conceive. I say this not to be cruel but so you can start to explore what life might be if it doesn't happen. As pp have said there is a lot of reading out there about coming to terms with not having the life you thought you would have - Elizabeth Day is a good place to start.

I'm mid forties and my two best friends have both been through this - neither of them have met Mr Right and chances are they now won't have biological children. I know they both went through intense grieving and anger at the unfairness of it all - they're both lovely, normal people, there's no reason it hasn't worked out. But both are coming out the other side with new ambitions and new ways to live. One has retrained as a primary school teacher and is planning to adopt in a couple of years. She has lots of hobbies and travels a lot. Another has focused on her career, she is aiming to become a CEO and also travels a lot for her work in developing countries. I'm not saying either of these particular options is for you, just that you need to think of what you do want, what will make life meaningful for you, if not a family. The answer at the moment might feel like "nothing" but honestly there is another way for you even if you can't see it now.

Hi, I’m almost 43 and TTC #1 with my DH after meeting him when I was 40. I STRONGLY second the egg-freezing idea as I wish I’d done it at 37 because my life would be far easier right now!!

Your world may change overnight - as mine did - and despite being older I wouldn’t change when I met my DH for anything.

But also please check out some of these childfree support accounts on Instagram. The reasons women don’t have children range hugely, from unexplained infertility/choice/physical illness/finances or just never meeting the right person. There is no judgement but a world of support out there from people going through exactly what you are going through. And please don’t think this means I think you won’t have children - I just think it’s important to remember that your world isn’t empty and pointless if you don’t. Xx

You have had some excellent advice on this thread. I do know how you feel. I met my partner at 35 and started ttc from 37 - had my first baby at 42. I have to say that from 35-41 I was convinced I wouldn't conceive which robbed me of a lot of happiness. There is time, enjoy your relationship. However think about taking some control. Maybe get a fertility MOT but please do not consider egg freezing as the success rates are low. Eat well, exercise (sorry if you do that already).

I know you’re looking for advice to find peace but my advice would be to tell your partner that you don’t want to wait that long. I’m assuming this guy is around your age so he should know what he wants quite quickly. So go and get yourself a child with or without him.

Children are an amazing blessing and I cannot pretend that if you do want them and don’t have them (esp if you didn’t try) that you will ever find peace with that because it’s likely you won’t.

I know we all have ideals as to how we want to bring children into the world but the reality is for many of us women, the choices of suitable men that you can do life with is shockingly poor.

Just from how you’ve written your post I sense that you will be more than what a child needs so go for what you know you really want.

I’d focus on all the things you can do without kids in your life. Travel, learn new things, fine dining, have a lovely house/car………

Could you sign up with a babysitting agency if you want to spend time with kids? Or work a half day in a crèche at the weekend?

OP, I want to send you lots of hugs.

First of all, it isn’t too late. I didn’t think about children until I got married. I married late, in May the year I turned 36, I have a January birthday just like you so I started trying to convince almost exactly your age (2 months older).

We currently have three children, my youngest was born when I was 41. I had a few miscarriages and my third pregnancy was high risk, but we managed.

I also have a friend who decided to go for it alone through artificial insemination at the age of 38. She got pregnant on the first try.

You do not need to decide now. You can give this man a year and then go at it alone if it doesn’t work out. Or not if you don’t want to.

I would recommend trying to eat as healthily as possible already now. I used a nutritionist who specialised in fertility and she made huge changes to my diet. I also exercised gently but frequently (think daily hourly walks around 45/60 min or a 60 min swim). Get yourself into the best health possible whilst you are thinking about this. The worst that can happen is that you get in better shape and get glowing hair and skin.

If you are very worried, a blood test can test hormone levels (FSH and AMH) which will give you an indication of how your fertility is for your age.

You got this OP. I understand that you don’t feel this way but you do. And btw, I have another friend who is extremely happy child free and in a wonderful relationship.

Lots of stories here about older pregnancies which is great. I too don't think 36 is old but you are worried as currently your ease of getting pregnant is unknown. But try to relax and focus on and enjoy the new relationship.

You say you don't want to go it alone with a baby. So work out if this is the man for you. I imagine some women rush into marriage and babies as they fear time running out then realize they are not compatible and end up a single parent. Try not to become one of those women.

If he is the man for you you can face whatever journey to parenthood comes together. Or how you can make the most of life together without children. And if it's not him you get back out there dating and trying to make the most of life as it comes.

The time when everyone around you is having babies is hard. Try to stay positive and true to yourself. Whatever the next 5-10 years brings you cannot know right now. It didn't bring any children for me but I have a life now that I enjoy. After the fear, angst and tears I'm at peace with how life has turned out

I was you! I am now 39, we started ttc when I was late 37. I actually have got pregnant ok, 8 times in the last 14 months, but my immune system keeps nixing them so no actual baby yet (an entirely different issue linked to my autoimmune health issues not age).

Anyway, loads of my friends are pregnant or had a first baby aged 38-41. My advice is don’t give up or bury yourself in anxiety. I found that feeling of desperate wanting but no control over it was what got me. What helped me was to take control whilst I waited for DP to be ready. I got a fertility mot (mine cost me £300 at the London Women’s Clinic and was worth it - really great at quelling my anxiety that things were normal(but had I got bad results I would have some time to do things to help).Start tracking your periods, eating well etc, taking vitamins. For example taking pre-conception anti-oxidants has totally regularised my cycles and minimised my period pains, result. General health and vitality stuff. Get to know your own body. The best thing I found about monitoring my cycle and ovulation testing kits, even temping, whilst a bit of a faff, is actually gaining a deeper understanding of my body’s cycles ttc aside. Worth it just for the general health gains.

Your DP is actually being very responsible and mature wanting to wait a year, a very good sign actually.

I don’t have a baby yet but I have medication and stuff to make it much more likely so we’ll see. Ttc for me has been a real journey needing resilience and I am tougher for it. Others my age just have had sex once and conceived easily. You don’t know until you try but getting prepped is a step towards it. I will say you will need to find ways to handle your anxiety - I did - the whole process requires it - the two week wait to see if it takes, the months you get a negative test, then the positive test, hoping it sticks, any losses (a fairly common part of the ttc journey - not for everyone though) and the months of pregnancy hoping all is well. Then I guess parenthood itself. Look after yourself and your mental health because that impacts your life and your health.

It’s honestly not too late for me or for you! I may not get a baby but I will give it my all and if not, I will find meaning/a path for my life some other way. Keep hope

Here’s some info on egg freezing , I think there’s more success when freezing younger as you need less eggs to get a live birth . I still think it’s worth having a fertility check up and asking for your particular circumstances e.g you may find your fertility is excellent for your age, when I had mine it was poor. So it made me move quicker in having a conversation with dp ( we tried after 6 months) knowledge is power and all that

extendfertility.com/extend-fertility-research-egg-freezing-success-rates-one-cycle/

@vivainsomnia I don’t want to derail OP’s thread but what are your sources for those stats? The HFEA say success rates for frozen embryos are comparable to fresh embryos which doesn’t seem to match with “With frozen embryos, it goes down to about 10% or so”

www.hfea.gov.uk/treatments/fertility-preservation/embryo-freezing/

The success rate they report per treatment cycle in 2016 with frozen eggs appears per their graph to be around 18% for women whose eggs were frozen between 35 and 37.

www.hfea.gov.uk/media/2658/egg-freezing-in-fertility-treatment-supplement.pdf

In 2018 the HFEA reported the overall success rate with frozen eggs at 18% for all ages.

www.hfea.gov.uk/media/2659/should-i-freeze-my-eggs-september-2018.pdf

18% chance of live birth per treatment cycle still isn’t great but it means there’s a chance if trying naturally at an older age doesn’t work. It might still not be for the OP though, it’s very expensive and quite invasive.