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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner twists things round

66 replies

HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:35

I'm really trying hard not to get down about things but am finding it hard when my partner misreads things. I don't know if it's him or me.

He just got home as I had messaged asking when he would be home (self employed so not regular hours). I said I was cooking dinner, the dog needs walking and daughter has a friend over to play who I need to take home in a bit. I thought I was giving info but may have come across as implying he needs to hurry, although I said I was cooking so clearly no rush. He says he is leaving work now and appears 15 minutes later. He is however annoyed and walks in saying 'I am literally almost out of fuel, running on fumes.' He drives past a petrol station on the way home.

I asked why he didn't stop and he said I made it sound like he needed to come home immediately. I just said it really wouldn't have mattered if he'd stopped for 5 mins to get fuel. Apparently it's my fault he has no fuel.

I'm just being worn down and am so fed up with upset jumping out at me from nowhere. I'm on edge as I never know when he's going to be pissed off next

OP posts:
Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:39

It is clear I was hoping he would be home soon but I don't think it came across as floor it home. Could I or should I phrase things better in future?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/08/2021 18:41

We don't know exactly what you said so don't know whether it's your phrasing or his understanding but why not just agree that in future if it's not urgent you'll text and if it is you'll call?

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:46

That's a good idea. He needs rules like that or can misinterpret easily.

This was my text:

What time are you coming home? I’m cooking dinner, (friends name) is over to play so I need to take her back and (dog) needs a walk soon. X

Looking at it maybe I did make it sound urgent. He has form for staying late at work if I don't check in so wanted to set the scene. Even if not urgent I don't like that he just stays at work until late and doesn't consider the impact on me. It's hard.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 18:46

It’s not you, it’s him. He will continue to blame you for all his failings and he will continue to give you spaghetti head and grind you down. Such behaviour from him is abusive.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?.

NowEvenBetter · 03/08/2021 18:46

What steps is he taking to manage his moods and not get angry at you? Nothing, presumably? Your writing isn’t very clear, but if that’s what you wrote in a message, yeah, it sounds like you need the person you’re telling your chore list to that they need to get back ASAP. Relationships are meant to be fun and enhance your life, otherwise why bother? 😊

TreeDice · 03/08/2021 18:47

Yeah sorry OP but I'd read that as "come home now as I have a lot on"

Is this a wider issue in your interactions with him?

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:48

@AttilaTheMeerkat I do feel like I have spaghetti head and I know he blames me for his failings a lot. Also blames himself as he doesn't understand personal choice and feels like a victim a lot.

I do mostly do a stand up job of recognising what he's doing so it doesn't bother me but these little things are pissing me off.

I am not going to leave but want to find a way to make it clear that this is not me

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 18:49

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?.

Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with a man like this?. No you would not and he is not good enough for you either .

Nandocushion · 03/08/2021 18:49

I would have read that as 'where are you, get home soon, everything's piling up here'

namechange30455 · 03/08/2021 18:50

Your message does make it sound like you wanted him home asap. I don't understand what you mean about clearly not urgent because you said you were cooking - if DP said he was cooking when I was still at work I'd think oh shit better get home asap for dinner?

But it sounds like he doesn't volunteer any information about what time he's coming home unless you ask, so it's a bit of both really I think!

nocoffeenobooze · 03/08/2021 18:50

It sounds like you're both stressed in different ways.
I would probably read that as you need me home to help with one or more of the tasks stated, and if I'd had a busy day at work I'd probably resent the message.
It sounds like you both need to work on your communication.

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:52

@NowEvenBetter it is fun sometimes but it feels hard work at the moment. He's not doing anything to manage his moods, quite the opposite, doing everything he can to make them worse - food and sleep

I agree my writing wasn't clear

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:53

@TreeDice yes, he doesn't consider my life and what I have going on really, then acts all surprised when I do something and I haven't told him about it. He isn't interested and doesn't ask so doesn't know

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 18:53

Men like this like supposedly strong women because they see them as an additional challenge to bring down to their base level. You and in turn your DD are being dragged down here.

Why have you stated you are not going to leave?. What would staying achieve?

What is preventing you from leaving him?.

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:54

@Nandocushion yeah I realise now that's what it looked like. Should have added
'Don't rush but would be nice to see you before 7 for walk and bed time etc'

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:55

@namechange30455 that's right, he doesn't so I suppose I am trying to convey what's going on at home. I don't need him home but hate it when he just does exactly as he pleases day in day out with no regard for us.

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:56

@nocoffeenobooze it's true and it's hard. If I say 'we had a nice day at... today' his response is right? The conversation stops. Blood out of a stone

OP posts:
Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:56

@AttilaTheMeerkat because I believe there is something wrong that can be fixed. My communication, his communication, a few tweaks

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 18:57

Why is your relationship bar this low?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Relationships should not be such hard work.

I would also think that the fun times are now fewer and further between and have mainly been on his terms. He has no respect or interest in you whatsoever. Your daughter will pick up on all this as well from him.

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:58

I learnt that men are shit apart from my grandad. I also come from a passive aggressive family who are crap at communicating so didn't really learn anything else.

This is very hard to hear but does resonate.

OP posts:
Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:58

Off to eat. Will pop back later. Thanks all

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 18:59

Abuse though is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

He is not an appliance that can be fixed, he feels entitled to act like this towards you and with impunity.

You cannot fix him and trying to do so will hurt you even more. He does not want to be rescued and or saved. These types also hate women, all of them. Look at his parents, chances are that one of them acts the self same as he does.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 19:03

I am so very sorry to see you learnt such damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up. These have stayed with you to this very day.

You can unlearn all the crap and learn that not all men are shit and or abusive (your grandad was nice) but you need to put the hard emotional work in via therapy. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme would help you no end in this respect. I would also urge you to contact Women’s Aid, they also have a chat facility.

Keep writing here too

MadMadMadamMim · 03/08/2021 19:10

I'm on edge as I never know when he's going to be pissed off next

This alone would make me end the relationship. I do not want to be with a partner who is frequently pissed off for no apparent reason - or with one who blames me for his moods.

I'd be done.

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 19:23

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat I think his dad was like this but then so are his mum and sister to an extent. Therapy is something I have been looking into seriously. My friend has an excellent therapist who I may use if I can.

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