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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner twists things round

66 replies

HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:35

I'm really trying hard not to get down about things but am finding it hard when my partner misreads things. I don't know if it's him or me.

He just got home as I had messaged asking when he would be home (self employed so not regular hours). I said I was cooking dinner, the dog needs walking and daughter has a friend over to play who I need to take home in a bit. I thought I was giving info but may have come across as implying he needs to hurry, although I said I was cooking so clearly no rush. He says he is leaving work now and appears 15 minutes later. He is however annoyed and walks in saying 'I am literally almost out of fuel, running on fumes.' He drives past a petrol station on the way home.

I asked why he didn't stop and he said I made it sound like he needed to come home immediately. I just said it really wouldn't have mattered if he'd stopped for 5 mins to get fuel. Apparently it's my fault he has no fuel.

I'm just being worn down and am so fed up with upset jumping out at me from nowhere. I'm on edge as I never know when he's going to be pissed off next

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 01:13

OP,

He sounds utterly exhausting.

You sound deeply stressed.

Always being blamed for things you have zero control over must be very distressing.

You also feel like your are always walking on eggshells?

So he has you on your toes, feeling like a stressed nervous wreck?

Well I can well understand @AttilaTheMeerkat asking you questions about why you would wish to stay with a man like that.

I think you need therapy and to look after yourself.

Being someone's emotional punching bag, never works out long term.

You are his.
Protect yourself.

lilmishap · 04/08/2021 02:03

I read that text as "what time you home so I can plan around it". He had the option of texting "can't be there immediately need fuel" but he didn't.

Is he always the martyr? the one suffering the most?

That shit is exhausting and would produce lots of "Don't you moan a lot" comments from me.....until I left

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/08/2021 03:26

He sounds like a total arsehole to me, and I would not be able to put up with that shit at all! I could not be walking on egg shells in my own home. I would have a firm discussion with him making clear that he needs to do something about his crappy negative attitude, and if he doesn't sort himself out, I would be off. This is no way to live, and its a rotten example to your kids too.

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 07:48

@billy1966 thanks. It is exhausting. It's just tiny things all the time. The lack of control is what gets to me. I honestly have no idea when it is coming. It's not aggressive or angry a lot of the time, just blame, guilt, eye rolls. He seems really lost if he can't find a reason to complain. It's his fuel, he loves spotting the bad in things.

OP posts:

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 07:51

@lilmishap yes that's what I meant. I know lots of people have interpreted it differently so it's obviously not as clear as I thought but yes, a reply like that would have been completely fine.

He always suffers the most, is the most hard done by, the one with the most restrictions etc which is batshit as we have a simple life with enough money and are both self employed with lots of freedom to arrange our days as we please. He can't see what he has.

OP posts:

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 07:55

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 how would I respond if he says he hasn't got a crappy attitude? He can't see it at all. He doesn't seem to grasp self reflection. I do pull him up on every thing he does by the way, I may have made it sound like I don't but I am hard on him and so is dd which is fantastic. She calls him out a lot and he apologises to her at least.

Today I said it was daft making out that the fuel situation was my fault. He said my message sounded urgent and I replied if he needed fuel that badly all he had to do was call to clarify the situation at home. I'm waiting for the 'you'll have to rescue me if I don't make it to work today' comment later. I will reply 'well you should have stopped for fuel then,'

OP posts:

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/08/2021 08:03

Well if it was me, and my partner was totally failing to acknowledge he had a problem, I'm afraid it would be game over as I wouldn't want to live like that. If even your child is picking him up on ita nd he is still denying there is a problem, doesn't that tell you anything? Do you think this is a good situation for your child to be in? I'm not sure if you said what age she is, but if I a child can pick up that he is being a negative arsehole, how on earth can he still deny there is a serious issue? If it was just you in the situation I would say it is entirely your choice if you want to live like this, but if there are children involved you really need to think of them too. have you considered counselling with him?

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 08:10

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 I think we need counselling but I worry that he will just shut down and get defensive. I do feel like he needs some counselling on his own as he has a lot of past pain, parent issues etc he clearly has issues with. Dd is 10, she's incredibly intuitive, well balanced, well rounded and I absolutely do not let her see me roll over, so yes she sees it but she also sees me call it out every time and not accept the explanation that it was me. She sees him get in a huff sometimes but rolls her eyes at him. I know it's not ideal but she's ok. I need him to stop though as it's unacceptable. I think he needs to go to the doctors and talk to someone.

I will continue to call him out.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 08:43

OP,
However you call it out and not accept it, the fact is, it is relentless AND exhausting.

I think you could do with some counselling yourself too because I get you would like him fixed but I think there is a big part of you feels done.

I can well understand if you do.
He has sucked any joy from your lives, when you feel blessed in many ways.

Your daughter will be very aware that the dynamics are really off here, despite your best efforts.

She will sense the eggshells atmosphere.
Please believe that.
Children are acutely attuned to the minutiae of a marriage, and take in vastly more than they even understand.

The understanding and interpretation comes later as they develop the language to put words to what they have absorbed.

You sound as if you are doing your best.
I think it's time to indeed suggest counselling but be making some discreet plans for a different life, away from him.

CharityDingle · 04/08/2021 08:51

@lilmishap

I read that text as "what time you home so I can plan around it". He had the option of texting "can't be there immediately need fuel" but he didn't.

Is he always the martyr? the one suffering the most?

That shit is exhausting and would produce lots of "Don't you moan a lot" comments from me.....until I left

I agree. I think your text was fine tbh.

You asked a reasonable question. He chose to take the sulky little kid approach, oh I drove on fumes. Cop the fuck on, would be what was going around in my head, in response to that, if I was in your shoes.

It's too hard, OP. Life doesn't need to be like this, it really doesn't.

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 09:09

@billy1966 thank you, I appreciate your advice and yes you're right, dd does pick up on it and it is completely exhausting. I will look into counselling as I need to sort myself out first I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 09:11

@CharityDingle I think it's all I've seen as my family are very stroppy, my dad was just like him, I honestly don't know.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 04/08/2021 09:30

He's a Martyr.

My Dad was a Martyr. God it was awful. At least I could get the fuck out of there when I was 18 but tbh he was a Martyr until the day he died, when I was 40.

The last few years I had to take care of him as he was elderly and unwell and as you can imagine the Martyrdom kicked up a hundred notches and it almost destroyed my mental health.

I am married to a man who occasionally has a moan but it's microscopic by comparison. Yesterday I asked DH if he was happy (we got a new kitten yesterday for context) and he said "yes".

Never live with a man who you couldn't imagine ever answering Yes.

Original poster

HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 09:56

@ElspethFlashman I'll ask him that later. I think he would say yes, he's a habitual martyr, doesn't see the joy as it's overshadowed by negativity

OP posts:

PerpetuallyBaffled · 04/08/2021 10:30

Ashamed to say I have not RTFT but OP, when you stated that you feel like he has an imaginary version of you in his head - this rings alarm bells to me.

When people have something to hide it can affect how they interpret what people say to them.

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 13:08

@ElspethFlashman

He's a Martyr.

My Dad was a Martyr. God it was awful. At least I could get the fuck out of there when I was 18 but tbh he was a Martyr until the day he died, when I was 40.

The last few years I had to take care of him as he was elderly and unwell and as you can imagine the Martyrdom kicked up a hundred notches and it almost destroyed my mental health.

I am married to a man who occasionally has a moan but it's microscopic by comparison. Yesterday I asked DH if he was happy (we got a new kitten yesterday for context) and he said "yes".

Never live with a man who you couldn't imagine ever answering Yes.

Great, great post.

This is the cold reality of growing up in this environment.

How absolutely awful that you felt compelled to be his carer.

I really hope you have grown to be kinder to yourself.

Listening to relentless negativity like that is terribly damaging to MH.

Wishing you well.

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