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Original poster

Partner twists things round

66 replies

HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 18:35

I'm really trying hard not to get down about things but am finding it hard when my partner misreads things. I don't know if it's him or me.

He just got home as I had messaged asking when he would be home (self employed so not regular hours). I said I was cooking dinner, the dog needs walking and daughter has a friend over to play who I need to take home in a bit. I thought I was giving info but may have come across as implying he needs to hurry, although I said I was cooking so clearly no rush. He says he is leaving work now and appears 15 minutes later. He is however annoyed and walks in saying 'I am literally almost out of fuel, running on fumes.' He drives past a petrol station on the way home.

I asked why he didn't stop and he said I made it sound like he needed to come home immediately. I just said it really wouldn't have mattered if he'd stopped for 5 mins to get fuel. Apparently it's my fault he has no fuel.

I'm just being worn down and am so fed up with upset jumping out at me from nowhere. I'm on edge as I never know when he's going to be pissed off next

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 19:24

@MadMadMadamMim I feel like it's driving me crazy. His mood is so up and down and he huffs and puffs and when I ask what's wrong he says he is just breathing.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2021 19:59

Read about the shark cage analog. There is another recent thread on here that mentions this to a woman in not too a dissimilar relationship.

Colourmeclear · 03/08/2021 20:04

Therapy sounds like a great idea.

Can you trust him? Trust involves being non-judgemental, reliable, accountable and generous. He doesn't sound like he has many of these qualities especially if everytime you speak you aren't sure if you're going to attacked in return, the tone of his responses change wildly and he gives you no allowance to be unclear or to get things wrong as humans do.

Wombleofwimbledon1984 · 03/08/2021 20:09

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 20:16

@Colourmeclear we do actually have a trusting relationship but he isn't consistent so can be all of those things but not all of the time and you're right, I can't make mistakes. He also doesn't think he does and doesn't apologise.

I think he needs some time off. He hasn't had time off for 2 years

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 20:16

@Colourmeclear I'm always on eggshells worrying that I've said something in an un clear way

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Ohpulltheotherone · 03/08/2021 20:17

I mean your message doesn’t scream COME
HOME ASAP but neither is it just a casual enquiry…. However a simple reply from to him say “just finishing up, going to stop for fuel on way home, see you soon” would have been adequate to let you know he was on the way but wasn’t urgently rushing back…

Communication works both ways - sure you could look at improving how you phrase things so he absolutely can’t twist or misinterpret it but is that a sustainable way to live? I don’t think so. Who wants to proof read and edit every single thought they have?

For every effort you make your intentions clearer he could also be making an effort to stop being such a defensive little tosser.

If he needs to be talked to like a toddler then that’s what you’ll have to do.
Capital letters, short sentences, no way to misinterpret.

Sounds exhausting OP tbh

LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 20:21

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LtDansleg · 03/08/2021 20:22

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Dragon50 · 03/08/2021 20:32

@HummingBeeBox

That's a good idea. He needs rules like that or can misinterpret easily.

This was my text:

What time are you coming home? I’m cooking dinner, (friends name) is over to play so I need to take her back and (dog) needs a walk soon. X

Looking at it maybe I did make it sound urgent. He has form for staying late at work if I don't check in so wanted to set the scene. Even if not urgent I don't like that he just stays at work until late and doesn't consider the impact on me. It's hard.

DH and I send messages like this to each other all the time.

I read it as an enquiry, what time are you home as I have to do x,y,z.

My DH would have responded ‘hi luv, x time, but need to get petrol, is that an issue?’

Colourmeclear · 03/08/2021 21:06

I really recommend you listen to the anatomy of trust by Brene Brown. It really opened my eyes to why my current partner and I feel secure with eachother and why I felt so anxious with my ex.

Your body is showing wisdom here. It's telling you to be fearful of interacting with him.

Do you have this level of worry with friends?

EarthSight · 03/08/2021 22:31

Here's a normal way to respond to your text -

What time are you coming home? I’m cooking dinner, (friends name) is over to play so I need to take her back and (dog) needs a walk soon

'Not sure but will try to get home soon if I can. Take her back and walk the dog if you need to though because I might need to stop to get petrol'

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 22:49

@Ohpulltheotherone it is exhausting. I need to spell it out and it's just grating. I often think he is looking for a the crack, looking for where he can be an arse.

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 22:50

@Dragon50 yes I thought all was ok as he replied 'leaving now.' Wouldn't have mattered at all if he'd stopped for fuel

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 22:51

@Colourmeclear I don't have this level of worry with anyone but him and his sister. She's really pushy. Thanks I'll look it up

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 22:51

@EarthSight yes, that is the normal response isn't it? I don't understand him at all.

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Fireflygal · 03/08/2021 23:04

I think he needs some time off. He hasn't had time off for 2 years

This is relevant. No one copes well if they don't have a break, especially over the last 2 years.

Do you get any down time as a couple? Does he switch off and relax?

sammylady37 · 03/08/2021 23:07

@EarthSight

Here's a normal way to respond to your text -

What time are you coming home? I’m cooking dinner, (friends name) is over to play so I need to take her back and (dog) needs a walk soon

'Not sure but will try to get home soon if I can. Take her back and walk the dog if you need to though because I might need to stop to get petrol'

I wouldn’t consider that response normal or helpful. It tells you nothing useful, he might be home soon, he might not. He might need petrol - does he not know whether or not he does? Surely if he’s ‘running on fumes’ he’d have realised it on his drive to work. And telling her to take the friend back and walk the dog ‘if (she) need(s) to’ is both irritating and missing the point- he is offering no help and presumably the reason she texted is that she can’t do both those and continue cooking so needed him home to do one of the three tasks.
sammylady37 · 03/08/2021 23:09

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DoormatBob · 03/08/2021 23:22

I would read that as get home ASAP because you need to walk the dog before dinner that I've already started (even though I hadn't asked when you would be home).

I often wish DW would just leave me to make my own dinner later but if I suggest that she's annoyed too so it's a lose-lose situation.

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 23:40

@Fireflygal no organised down time no. I mean we're not rushed off our feet but work rules the roost for him.

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Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 23:44

Thanks for your responses, lots to think about. He needs down time, I need to communicate better, as does he. I don't think I'll LTB just yet although his behaviour is concerning. We do need to sort it as it's hurtful a lot of the time. He's just booked a week off work. Fingers crossed this helps.

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EarthSight · 04/08/2021 00:01

Other than just being a twat that's looking for an excuse to be a drama king and to have a go at you, it sounds like he's probably on the defensive quite a lot. It's like he's expecting you to have a go at him maybe for xyz, or that he puts himself under huge pressure to achieve certain things, then when he doesn't, he gets stressed, panics, and makes out that you're the one who's out him under all that pressure, whereas he might just be doing that to himself and you actually have nothing to do with it (not sure what you're dymamic is).

That can get old really quickly and he needs to sort himself out pronto.

atlastifoundit · 04/08/2021 00:16

[quote HummingBeeBox]@Colourmeclear I'm always on eggshells worrying that I've said something in an un clear way [/quote]
And does he blame you for his behaviour?

Original poster
HummingBeeBox · 04/08/2021 00:22

@EarthSight he is incredibly defensive but uses phrases like 'you always' or 'you never' which rings alarm bells to me and says it's more about him than me. There is an imaginary version of me in his head. He does say I'm critical but he would take 'can you please take the bin bag out' as me criticising his ability to manage chores.

@Colourmeclear yes quite a lot. He blames me for things I have no control over. For example I have breakfast, he oversleeps and doesn't, then makes comments like 'well it's ok for you as you had a meal and I didn't.' When I point out that he could have got up he reacts defensively about being tired and needing sleep. Gets twisted up to be my fault so easily. I was going for lunch with my mum the other day and he said 'alright for some, socialising!' I pointed out that he is also self employed and can have a lunch out if he wants, but he is adamant he can't. He absolutely can but doesn't take personal responsibility for his work hours, life balance, plus wouldn't think to schedule down time. He's rubbish at time management.

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