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Original poster

Do you feel 'sexy' and, if so, how?? Totally lost my mojo :(

57 replies

WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 12:55

Just that really.

I used to feel 'sexy'. I don't anymore. I'm attractive enough, I've got a reasonable figure.

I just don't feel sexy. More faintly ridiculous.

I keep on top of 'self care' so nails are nice; hair is nice; I wear minimal make up but look nice when I do; I wear nice clothes; I only wear nice/flattering underwear; I have a fairly high libido but I never feel sexy. Even when I'm having sex I'm just totally disconnected from feeling sexy, attractive or desirable Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:17

I just don't know what to do to get out of this blah about myself Sad

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 03/08/2021 13:28

When was the last time you felt sexy? What has changed in your life between then and now?

FunnyInjury · 03/08/2021 13:30

How old are you? Coukd it be peri-menopause?
My libido packed up and left via the front door, but because I know what it is and why I'm working on it 🤷‍♀️

thepeopleversuswork · 03/08/2021 13:31

I think you may be confusing "self care" with "grooming". Nice nails/hair etc don't confer sex appeal on a person. Nothing wrong with this and it can be a nice ego boost but ultimately self care is about feeling better about yourself and that can only come from inside.

How much time to you spend doing things you want to do for you? Do you have a partner? Are you attracted to him/her? Does he/she treat you well?

It sounds like there's something missing from your story/something you're not saying. No amount of gloss can make someone sexy when they're not happy.

Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:33

No idea, tbh!

I just realised this morning that I don't anymore. Probably 2 or 3 years ago maybe. I was reflecting on a conversation I was having with a friend yesterday and realised that if anyone complimented me and said they liked X about me (physically) or that I was 'sexy', it would make feel uncomfortable and likely have the opposite effect to what was intended Confused

I can't think of anything that has changed - not for the worse anyway. I've lost a stone and look better for it but it's not that drastic a difference.

Nothing else.

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:35

@FunnyInjury

How old are you? Coukd it be peri-menopause? My libido packed up and left via the front door, but because I know what it is and why I'm working on it 🤷‍♀️
I'm 46. I've considered perimenopause but my libido isn't affected. It's the same as its always been and my periods/cycle are no different either.

It's more how I feel about myself.

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:45

@thepeopleversuswork

I think you may be confusing "self care" with "grooming". Nice nails/hair etc don't confer sex appeal on a person. Nothing wrong with this and it can be a nice ego boost but ultimately self care is about feeling better about yourself and that can only come from inside.

How much time to you spend doing things you want to do for you? Do you have a partner? Are you attracted to him/her? Does he/she treat you well?

It sounds like there's something missing from your story/something you're not saying. No amount of gloss can make someone sexy when they're not happy.

Yes, you're right about the difference between self care and grooming. I was anticipating someone suggesting I get my hair/nails done and buy some nice underwear. Was really just saying that I already have those boxes ticked.

In terms of actual self care, I'm single and have been for a few years. I had a (much younger) fwb until I let him go a few weeks ago and I did so partly because I felt ridiculous and self conscious when we were out together. But i hadn't equated it to feeling unsexy, unattractive and undesirable.

I have a couple of hobbies that get me out and meeting other people and require me to practise at home so I do plenty for myself. My children are older and so i have time for myself. I start each day sitting in the garden; I go out and immerse myself in nature; I go to places on my own - I recently went away for the weekend on my own, wandered around, went for dinner, took myself put to a gig...

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:53

I just feel like I've lost confidence in myself generally I think.

I play in a band and tried out for another band last week. Even doing that i felt ridiculous.

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 13:58

It sounds like there's something missing from your story/something you're not saying

Maybe there is but, if so, I don't know what it is!

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LaBellina · 03/08/2021 13:59

I take off my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I’m freakin’ hot.

Sounds strange but for me it really works.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/08/2021 14:06

I don't know, tbh. I just do. I do feel sexier when I'm getting exercise and make the effort to wear nice clothes etc, but I think it's mostly that I like myself. I enjoy my life and find it interesting.

Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 14:07
Grin

I love this!

I don't do that but i can honestly appraise myself - there are things I'd change (should that fairy godmother ever arrive with her magic wand!) but only 2 body parts I'm not content with. Even then, I don't let it hold me back. The rest, we'll I'm no more or less than anyone else.

I don't hate myself.

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 14:12

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I don't know, tbh. I just do. I do feel sexier when I'm getting exercise and make the effort to wear nice clothes etc, but I think it's mostly that I like myself. I enjoy my life and find it interesting.
Thanks.

I'd say that I largely do like my life and find it interesting. I'm probably not getting enough exercise but then I've never been particularly interested in the gym or classes etc and have tended to dip in now and again. I've felt better in myself but it hasn't really changed how I feel about myself.

Maybe I need to get back down to the gym occasionally... I used to do kundalini yoga but class shut down and then with lockdown, I just haven't got back into it anywhere else.

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BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/08/2021 14:16

Physical exercise generally does have a good correlation with both sex drive and mental health, and it's just all-round good for you, so that might be worth a try if that box doesn't feel ticked. I'm a bit of an exercise junkie - I really need it to be happy, balanced and stable.

Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 14:26

Ah see, I don't need it to feel like that. My creative outlets are what do that for me.

I accept that it will help me feel.better physically but I don't think it'll make a difference to feeling sexy or attractive etc. That's never been where I've got my 'energy' from.

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southeastlady · 03/08/2021 14:29

I haven't felt sexy since around 2001 Grin

DreamersBall · 03/08/2021 14:35

I don't think I've ever felt sexy Confused Sometimes think I scrub up ok and look 'nice', but never sexy!

Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 14:36

Grin Well I didn't feel sexy from about 26 - 36 but then, something shifted at 37 and I did until about 42/43. I suppose since then I've had moments of feeling sexy but now there's just nothing Confused

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Original poster
WhereHasMyMojoGone · 03/08/2021 14:37

@DreamersBall

I don't think I've ever felt sexy Confused Sometimes think I scrub up ok and look 'nice', but never sexy!
Even in a relationship? Or when flirting or having sex?

I've had periods of feeling neutral and periods of feeling sexy but now I just feel ridiculous and stupid.

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ShitShop · 03/08/2021 14:43

Do you think the younger FWB has contributed to the feeling “ridiculous “? If you felt self conscious being seen with him maybe you need to find someone you can feel more relaxed with so that you’re not so conscious of “being seen” by others in a certain way and more focused on your own experience of the world.

ShitShop · 03/08/2021 14:45

BTW I am the last person to see themselves as “sexy” - as a size 18-20 peri-menopausal 47 year old I’m not exactly many men’s idea of sexy. But when my DP looks at me a certain way and says things to make me feel good then I do feel sexy and confident. I still hate for him to see me naked but I am able to relax in the moment and feel very open and free.

DreamersBall · 03/08/2021 14:46

Been single for years and get no interest so flirting and sex not really an issue haha... but no, even with exes, like you say, felt a bit ridiculous and stupid - didn't really get why they were interested?

19Bears · 03/08/2021 15:09

Yes! Some of the time. I'm more confident in my body than I've ever been, since I started running. Saying that though, 10 years of zero sex within my marriage, I thought I was just ordinary and nothing special. Then someone came along and made me feel like I was flippen Beyonce, and I realised I am wasting my life away with someone who doesn't look at me twice. Once, even. It's very disappointing to say the least. I think you can feel sexy in yourself, but it really helps if someone makes you feel sexy....
Maybe you just need the right man to come along and be blown away by you, can't get enough of you, and you'll get that feeling back again OP. It's so important to feel good about yourself in every way possible. I didn't know how important that was until recently. I hope you can find it again @WhereHasMyMojoGone Flowers

Tal45 · 03/08/2021 15:10

I think it's partly an age thing, middle aged women aren't 'supposed' to be sexy, they should know their place. But do you need to feel sexy? Are you sure you can't just be perfectly happy not feeling sexy or like you 'have' to be attractive? I doubt many middle aged men spend their time worrying about how sexy they are! Personally I think there's nothing sexier than someone having fun - perhaps you need more fun in your life OP? x

Tal45 · 03/08/2021 15:11

@19Bears

Yes! Some of the time. I'm more confident in my body than I've ever been, since I started running. Saying that though, 10 years of zero sex within my marriage, I thought I was just ordinary and nothing special. Then someone came along and made me feel like I was flippen Beyonce, and I realised I am wasting my life away with someone who doesn't look at me twice. Once, even. It's very disappointing to say the least. I think you can feel sexy in yourself, but it really helps if someone makes you feel sexy.... Maybe you just need the right man to come along and be blown away by you, can't get enough of you, and you'll get that feeling back again OP. It's so important to feel good about yourself in every way possible. I didn't know how important that was until recently. I hope you can find it again *@WhereHasMyMojoGone* Flowers
I don't think you needed someone else to make you feel sexy, I think you just needed to ditch the loser who made you feel like you weren't ;-)