Do you feel 'sexy' and, if so, how?? Totally lost my mojo :(

[WhereHasMyMojoGone]

Just that really.

I used to feel 'sexy'. I don't anymore. I'm attractive enough, I've got a reasonable figure.

I just don't feel sexy. More faintly ridiculous.

I keep on top of 'self care' so nails are nice; hair is nice; I wear minimal make up but look nice when I do; I wear nice clothes; I only wear nice/flattering underwear; I have a fairly high libido but I never feel sexy. Even when I'm having sex I'm just totally disconnected from feeling sexy, attractive or desirable

Feeling sexy is for pervy old men.

Thank you @Tal45 you are sooooooo right. 100%
I've just walked in the door after work and he's at his desk wearing his cardigan inside out.
Not feeling sexy at all.
F* me.
(Not him tho, urgh.)
I need to get away from this and run free through a field, casting off my clothes as I skip along to muscular man running towards me!!!!

Hmm, interesting responses. I don't mean feel sexy as in a sexbomb that all the men want a piece of but having sex is supposed to make you feel sexually desirable and it doesn't. I just feel ridiculous. Like I shouldn't even be having sex!

I don't expect to feel sexy walking down the street and it's not about how others perceive me, it's about how I feel about myself.

The younger fwb clearly didn't see me as a non sexual middle aged woman and I don't think it was purely feeling the scrutiny of others that contributed to it. Like I say, I've felt like this for a couple of years. That was a symptom rather than the cause.

I probably last felt attractive in Feb 2020. I know that because I changed fb profile pic and I remember I felt attractive that night but even then, I think it had been a while. I don't want or need a man to make feel attractive or sexy, I want to feel it in myself.

As much as anything, if I don't feel attractive etc how is anyone else going to see me that way? Again, I don't even mean from a purely looks perspective. I'm finding it really hard to articulate this!

I don't know, I suppose i used to feel (between 18 and my early 20s; and then 37 and 43) that I had the 'allure' (to channel my inner Miranda). I felt vibrant, alive, desirable. I flirted with men and I was more confident generally. But I feel I've become small and unnoticeable.

And it's not even an 'invisible woman' thjng because I was a proceed by a couple of men on my solo weekend away. If I was basing this purely on men's responses to me, it wouldn't be an issue. It's about how I feel about myself.

@JaneJeffer

Feeling sexy is for pervy old men.

You sound normal to me. I've always felt ridiculous!

I think I get you OP. I once treated myself to a boudoir photoshoot, and I hated every minute of it. I felt so silly. I've got one of the photos on the wall in our bedroom, and have taken it down a few times, but DH has put it back up. God knows why. But I just look at it and cringe. It was my chance to feel womanly and I just felt like a plonker.

@19Bears

I think I get you OP. I once treated myself to a boudoir photoshoot, and I hated every minute of it. I felt so silly. I've got one of the photos on the wall in our bedroom, and have taken it down a few times, but DH has put it back up. God knows why. But I just look at it and cringe. It was my chance to feel womanly and I just felt like a plonker.

That was very brave! Your husband clearly lies it though so that's something...

I just felt like a plonker.

Yep. Feel like a plonker about sums it up for me!

He doesn't though! He couldn't give a monkeys! I think he just keeps it on the wall for familiarity, seriously. I have tried walking around in my underwear, or in a tiny towel out of the shower, and he just ignores me utterly.
You should see the photos, they took about 20 or so, and I discarded all of them because I'm pulling an embarrassed face on every single one!!! You know when people post sexy selfies on Instagram or whatever, I literally cannot take a photo of myself without doing a silly face or putting my thumbs up or something. I'd love to be a smouldering goddess, but I just feel daft. On the other hand, meeting the sexiness enabler, new woman completely.... Like something inside was set on fire and unleashed. Maybe one day I'll get it back. You will too! I bet you do!! It's all inside you and one day it'll burst out!

Are we meant to feel sexy? I dunno, I've never felt sexy I don't think. Attractive, flirtatious maybe, but never sexy?

Like having sex?

So you've never felt sexually desirable?

I don't feel attractive either. I can see when I look attractive but I don't feel it.

@19Bears

He doesn't though! He couldn't give a monkeys! I think he just keeps it on the wall for familiarity, seriously. I have tried walking around in my underwear, or in a tiny towel out of the shower, and he just ignores me utterly. You should see the photos, they took about 20 or so, and I discarded all of them because I'm pulling an embarrassed face on every single one!!! You know when people post sexy selfies on Instagram or whatever, I literally cannot take a photo of myself without doing a silly face or putting my thumbs up or something. I'd love to be a smouldering goddess, but I just feel daft. On the other hand, meeting the sexiness enabler, new woman completely.... Like something inside was set on fire and unleashed. Maybe one day I'll get it back. You will too! I bet you do!! It's all inside you and one day it'll burst out!

🤣 that's a nice idea!

I guess I've just forgotten how to feel attractive.

I find it striking that you said you also felt ridiculous doing something totally non-sexual, trying out for a new band.

Could this be a case of impostor syndrome? Something at work/hobbies which has leaked out unnoticed into other aspects of your life?

I also find it interesting that you lost your mojo around the time of lockdown hitting. Did life change a lot for you then? EG went from being in the office to WFH? Did you used to perform live regularly - did that give you a virtuous circle of recognition/confidence boost which was then absent during lockdown?

Following with interest. I haven't felt sexy since I was in my late 40s when I was dating someone 8 years younger.

I could do with losing a few kilos and getting out more so I make more of an effort with my appearance.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I find it striking that you said you also felt ridiculous doing something totally non-sexual, trying out for a new band.

Could this be a case of impostor syndrome? Something at work/hobbies which has leaked out unnoticed into other aspects of your life?

I also find it interesting that you lost your mojo around the time of lockdown hitting. Did life change a lot for you then? EG went from being in the office to WFH? Did you used to perform live regularly - did that give you a virtuous circle of recognition/confidence boost which was then absent during lockdown?

I don't know. Maybe... I can't pinpoint anything specific though.

I lost it around 3 years ago. I changed my fb profile pic in Feb 2020 because I felt attractive at that moment but I still felt uncomfortable with the compliments that changing your photo inevitably attracts. I just thought it was a nice photo.

But I'd stopped feeling attractive a while before that.

We did previously perform live regularly but it certainly didn't give me a confidence boost. I felt sick with nerves and anxiety before each gig but forced myself to do it anyway. Other band members would go out and chat to people after the gig and enjoy the praise and positive feedback. I often used to hang around the stage, packing up and then would find a quite space to have a drink outside on my own. If someone came and spoke to me, I was always polite and friendly and I was fine if people made comments about the band in general but personal compliments about my playing made me very uncomfortable.

I would actively avoid making eye contact with people before, during and after gigs so no one would speak to me.

It does sound to me like the root issue is that you don't like yourself very much, and consequently can't imagine why anybody else would like or be attracted to you.

Little bit of an off shoot but the average age for the menopause is 52 and hormones start dipping way before then so even if you don’t realise it you probably are in peri menopause at 46. It would explain a lot of your feelings. Oestrogen gives us that warm, nurturing, sexy feeling. When you lose that you’re left with testosterone alone (and possibly even less of that than usual as that also depletes) so you tend to feel more angry, deflated, critical etc etc. Worth investigating it all anyway.

I was always very sexy right up until 40 when I went into early menopause due to autoimmune issues and it was like someone flicked a switch overnight.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

It does sound to me like the root issue is that you don't like yourself very much, and consequently can't imagine why anybody else would like or be attracted to you.

I don't know. I can see why you're saying that but it's not really about anyone else it's about how I feel about myself.

@Bagelsandbrie

Little bit of an off shoot but the average age for the menopause is 52 and hormones start dipping way before then so even if you don’t realise it you probably are in peri menopause at 46. It would explain a lot of your feelings. Oestrogen gives us that warm, nurturing, sexy feeling. When you lose that you’re left with testosterone alone (and possibly even less of that than usual as that also depletes) so you tend to feel more angry, deflated, critical etc etc. Worth investigating it all anyway.

I was always very sexy right up until 40 when I went into early menopause due to autoimmune issues and it was like someone flicked a switch overnight.

I probably am in perimenopause now but my periods are still regular and predictable. My cycle hasn't changed at all.

I haven't noticed any physical symptoms or changes. Only this. So I don't know if it's attributable.

I don't feel sexy, but I am actually incredibly unsexy in almost any objective fashion.

@MyFloorIsLava

I don't feel sexy, but I am actually incredibly unsexy in almost any objective fashion.

😕

What an interesting thread....it has made me ponder on the question about feeling sexy? I am mid to late 50s and still have an active sex life....but do I feel sexy? Not sure. My partner tells me all the time I am sexy but to be honest I dont feel it. I enjoy sex a lot with him but feeling sexy day to day, probably not. I look after myself, dress well etc etc, I feel confident in my life but not sexy. Sex drive drove itself out the front door when I was 48 and hit the menopause but soon came back when taking HRT. So, I dont feel sexy, but I enjoy sex, my partner tells me I am sexy but it doesn't really register. So, I dont think you are on your own here OP but it is now something I am going to ponder on for a while.

I agree with @EvenMoreFuriousVexation, I’ve really noticed how much I miss “social feedback” during lockdown and it has made me less confident - just going into an office and co-workers being (hopefully) generally happy to see you and getting the occasional compliment on what yr wearing etc. It probably means I’m a terrible vain person but it’s true for me.
I feel quite sexy at the moment but I do indulge in a bit of harmless fantasy now and then, it sounds a bit silly but reading a bit of ridiculous sexy literature or deliberately just having a think about a fantasy scenario (mine are mostly not explicit at all but are to do with sort of being desired / wanted!) can shift mindset a little bit. Hope you find a way through x

@buddy79

I agree with *@EvenMoreFuriousVexation*, I’ve really noticed how much I miss “social feedback” during lockdown and it has made me less confident - just going into an office and co-workers being (hopefully) generally happy to see you and getting the occasional compliment on what yr wearing etc. It probably means I’m a terrible vain person but it’s true for me. I feel quite sexy at the moment but I do indulge in a bit of harmless fantasy now and then, it sounds a bit silly but reading a bit of ridiculous sexy literature or deliberately just having a think about a fantasy scenario (mine are mostly not explicit at all but are to do with sort of being desired / wanted!) can shift mindset a little bit. Hope you find a way through x

Thanks

The social feedback one is interesting. I know how to accept a compliment graciously but I've never been particularly comfortable with them. And I find men who compliment women they don't know to be a bit tedious! So it's not like I've missed 'social feedback' tbh.

And this feeling predates lockdown by a year or two anyway.

It's interesting that that it might be an unforseen/unexpected consequence of lockdown for some though!