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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A very difficult time, advice please

66 replies

BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 20:46

Hi there this is my first ever thread.

My DH and I have two kids DD aged 6 and DS aged 3. We moved back in England where I'm from for six months as our life abroad went tits up ( We lost our jobs and home as a result of the pandemic, it has been a nightmare) My DH couldn't settle in England, was pining for his home country as was my DD aged 6. So he went back to live with my MIL abroad as he had an offer of a few months work and my DD cried and cried to go back as well. Big mistake that I let her go with him. I was happy back at home. I didn't want to leave after the horrendous time we'd had and the lack of faith in the place and the lack of support we received abroad. Anyhow I got called back for a few months work and my DS and I moved a month after so that we could be together although I didn't want to, purely for the kids . All of us with the MIL who is an absolute nightmare. She criticises everything I do and living with her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm doing this for my family and I'm being so respectful with my MIL making sure she has her space, taking the kids out, cleaning up, buying food just as any good house guest does. I have the overwhelming feeling that she only wants her son and my 2 kids there. I'm ignored, insulted and criticised. My son is ASD and had a really bad day yesterday and she had the nerve to say that when I'm with him I mess him up and that he's better when I'm not around. This hurt so much and my MIL thinks my daughter is hers. She took her to the hairdresser without asking (I saw a similar post the other day) and she keeps my daughters clothes in her room as apparently I don't wash or iron properly. I'm going out of my mind and the relationship with my DH is awful as he never sticks up for me. He's unemployed again and I'm going to work away for a month to bring some money in and MIL is delighted as she can control my kids without me there as she thinks things are worse when I'm around. So I'm starting work tomorrow and I really don't want to be away from my kids but I feel so unwelcome and I just want to move to my home country with my kids but I would need to go legal to do that. What a mess. I feel my mental health is worsening and that Im trapped with no money to get my kids out of this situation. Plus my DH is not applying for jobs and seems to be always unemployed. My siblings saw all this coming before I did and warned me.The worst thing is I've been told by my MIL that there's no space for me and that it would be a good idea if I rented a room nearby. I feel gutted and she's always hinting that it's better if I worked away and came for visits only. Meanwhile her son my DH is enjoying our kids, no rent or bills to pay and has them in a summer camp in the mornings. Yes he appears pissed off about the things MIL says but would never speak up as he's too afraid of her and needs her approval constantly which he never gets.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but I'm being pushed out of my family and it really hurts and any advice would be welcome.

Thank you so much in advance xo

OP posts:
Boboparadise · 31/07/2021 21:16

So sorry you are going through this difficult time. Your MIL needs to be put back to her role. Easier said than done I am sure. Your DH needs to get his big boy pants on and support you. If he's not willing to do this it would be a deal breaker for me. You deserve so much better and to be happy. Sorry I can't be anymore helpful. Just know things can get better..

PartridgeFeather · 31/07/2021 21:27

You need to start thinking like a single parent. Move the kids with you to where you are working, is that an option?

What are your job prospects like there? Childcare? What contacts do you have there? You are going to have to use all of them. Can your family lend you the deposit on a flat and paid childcare for 1st two months so you can take the kids?

You can't assert yourself properly until you are under your own roof. The MIL needs to be removed from your situation urgently.

Summerhillsquare · 31/07/2021 21:28

Something very off about their behaviour. Do NOT move out or rent a room without your kids. I'd be reconsidering working away too, and try to get work at home

easterdaffsx · 31/07/2021 21:31

I'm sorry your going through this it sounds dreadful .
Can you not take your dc home ?

Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 21:45

@Boboparadise

So sorry you are going through this difficult time. Your MIL needs to be put back to her role. Easier said than done I am sure. Your DH needs to get his big boy pants on and support you. If he's not willing to do this it would be a deal breaker for me. You deserve so much better and to be happy. Sorry I can't be anymore helpful. Just know things can get better..
You have been so helpful thanks so much. It's so amazing to receive advice on here. I am so embarrassed that my life has ended up like this. You're right, DH really needs to put his big boy pants on and he hasn't since our DD was born six years ago when I think about it.
OP posts:
Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 21:50

@PartridgeFeather

You need to start thinking like a single parent. Move the kids with you to where you are working, is that an option?

What are your job prospects like there? Childcare? What contacts do you have there? You are going to have to use all of them. Can your family lend you the deposit on a flat and paid childcare for 1st two months so you can take the kids?

You can't assert yourself properly until you are under your own roof. The MIL needs to be removed from your situation urgently.

I agree, she really needs removed from the situation. I have never seen evil like it. She is almost drunk with power as she knows we have nowhere else to go and I think she's enjoying it. I don't have any support out here unfortunately. I'm working at a residential course for the month of August and after that I'm homeless as she's made it clear she doesn't want me staying there. My poor kids they must be so confused and I hate what it's doing to them
OP posts:
smartiecake · 31/07/2021 21:57

Can you book tickets for you and the lids back to the UK? She sounds dangerous OP, like she is trying to remove you from the family and bring up your kids. I think you need to plan to get away, quietly

Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 21:57

My dear family in the U.K invested in us after we lost everything last year. They gathered up money for a rent and deposit and we got set up in a lovely apartment thanks to them. As DH couldn't stick it he left to fly back for a temporary job which I thought was ridiculous as he's chosen living with his mum instead of with us all together there for a job that was essentially for a couple of months and now he's unemployed again. My family feel fooled that they invested in us and I look like an idiot too. I should have stayed and kept the kids there but he has brainwashed my DD that Spain is the best place for her and she told me she didn't want to stay with me (another major hurt) so I stupidly let her go with her dad then stupidly followed them out a month later as I was breaking my heart missing her and wanted her brother and her to be together x

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 22:02

@Summerhillsquare

Something very off about their behaviour. Do NOT move out or rent a room without your kids. I'd be reconsidering working away too, and try to get work at home
There is something very off about their behaviour, you're right. I asked my DH if they have a secret plan to get rid of me and he laughed and said of course not. But something isnt right. I suggested as my daughter won't come with me that at least my son does and there was a massive argument about how they are better with them. I think I'll have to go legal on this one and apparently it's a minefield here with international lawyers etc
OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 31/07/2021 22:02

You need to be home with your children. Is there anyone who can help you?

Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 22:09

@easterdaffsx

I'm sorry your going through this it sounds dreadful . Can you not take your dc home ?
Thanks so much for your support. It really is dreadful. The kids deserve better. My DD says that she doesn't want to go with mummy as she wants to be with her Spanish family as in her grandmother, uncle and cousins, I don't seem to be in the picture at all which breaks my heart , she loves her school, has her friends here and it would be worse nightmare to move back to the U.K.
OP posts:
Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 22:14

@smartiecake

Can you book tickets for you and the lids back to the UK? She sounds dangerous OP, like she is trying to remove you from the family and bring up your kids. I think you need to plan to get away, quietly
She's a very dangerous woman, I almost think she would have preferred a Spanish wife for her DS. To think we helped pay her mortgage for her when she was in the shit. I've been stupid as I'm always trying to make her happy and like me so that we can get on well for the kids. But that's impossible. Wasted energy over 13 years since I met DH
OP posts:
smartiecake · 31/07/2021 22:17

I would be booking 3 flights home to see family, and not returning. What happened to the apartment your family helped you to get?

5togo · 31/07/2021 22:22

Can you go home for a ‘holiday’ with the children?

bluebell34567 · 31/07/2021 22:36

@5togo

Can you go home for a ‘holiday’ with the children?
thats what i was going to say.
minniemouseshouses · 31/07/2021 22:39

OP, if you were to consider leaving for the UK, can you perhaps seek help with the UK embassy in the country you are staying in? They can help and advise on legal matters. I agree re going back ASAP, and I understand that your child would be upset, but you need to protect your children against this, and you are their guardian for a reason; they are children and not fit to make such decisions, that’s on you. Oh OP I am so sorry. Please consider very carefully all the good advice you are getting from PPs.

Flowers
bluebell34567 · 31/07/2021 22:45

@minniemouseshouses

OP, if you were to consider leaving for the UK, can you perhaps seek help with the UK embassy in the country you are staying in? They can help and advise on legal matters. I agree re going back ASAP, and I understand that your child would be upset, but you need to protect your children against this, and you are their guardian for a reason; they are children and not fit to make such decisions, that’s on you. Oh OP I am so sorry. Please consider very carefully all the good advice you are getting from PPs.

Flowers

so true.
Jurassicparkinajug · 31/07/2021 22:45

Before you do anything, I think you need to seek legal advice so you don't jeopardise your case. Please do this.
It's sounds like an awful situation, you have my utmost sympathy OP. I'm sure things can be better than they are currently though; I really hope so anyway. Your children will adjust and will ultimately want to be with their mum.

IceLace100 · 31/07/2021 22:47

Sorry this is happening.

If I were you I'd Book flights back to the uk ASAP. Or just get in the car and go. Stay with a friend/ family and speak to a solicitor about your rights asap.

If you don't have anywhere to stay could you contact women's aid or another charity?

Ignore your daughter. It's not her decision where she lives. She is 6 ffs.

Original poster
BelleandSeb · 31/07/2021 22:57

@smartiecake

I would be booking 3 flights home to see family, and not returning. What happened to the apartment your family helped you to get?
The apartment was in the U.K, when my DH and daughter left it for Spain first I spent a month trying to figure out what to do, whether to continue staying there with my son then I fell in to the trap of my DH''s idea that it would be better for us all in Spain and that it would only be a temporary measure to live with MIL then bam he's back on the dole again and I'm left with nowhere and not even with my kids. I've been very naive
OP posts:
jeaux90 · 31/07/2021 23:06

Please book three flights back to the UK to see your family for a "holiday" don't go back.

If you explain this situation to your family in the UK I'm sure they will understand and buy you those flights.

Zerrin13 · 31/07/2021 23:09

This sounds like a terrible position to be in OP. This woman is trying to expel you from your own family. Who suggests to their dil that they rent a room nearby?? This is utter madness. Your husband is an utter wimp. He doesn't even have a fucking job! I would let them have my kids over my dead body!
You need to start planning how you are going to get away from this toxic situation.
I wiukd be planning my getaway to the UK? Is this possible for you?

rantymcrantface66 · 31/07/2021 23:18

Before you go taking advice just to go to the Uk for a holiday and not come back, please research The Hague convention and what constitutes habitual residence. I don't know the timescales or details but I worry that Spain may be considered dc's. In that case you can't just run they can bring you back very easily under international parental abduction laws. You need to go to court in the habitual residence of the child to get permission. Good luck, what an awful situation for you

Original poster
BelleandSeb · 01/08/2021 06:46

I'm in tears after reading your replies, the support on here is amazing thanks to you all so much. I hadn't thought of contacting Womans Aid or the British Embassy that's a good idea. I'd love to take them on holiday but financially it's not possible, plus there's the legal aspect of taking them to the U.K as a pp said it could be considered abduction as I don't have their dad''s permission. I've to start my residential course today and I really don't have the energy I'm mentally exhausted with it all. My DH is a wimp and I really can't stand how he's not taking action. Thanks to you all as I don't feel so alone. My family at home know everything about this situation and think it's awful but they aren't so willing to help after helping us last year. That was our golden opportunity to start a new life but my hubby dodged everything good that the U.K has to give. I'm almost thinking of getting a live in carer job in the U.K one month on one month off and come back and forth to see the kids. I wouldn't have the family support if I moved there as my mum is old and lives in a fold and the rest of my family work or have their own kids to look after. It's such a pity I don't have support networks in place here or in the U.K

OP posts:
DomPom47 · 01/08/2021 07:26

The longer you are living in Spain the longer your daughter will be brainwashed and the higher the chance that your son will be too. Children are adaptable especially young so don’t worry about what your daughter is saying about not liking you and preferring Spain and Spanish family etc. Are your children British citizens or dual citizens? What about your husband? If you find a way of getting them to the uk your husband is likely to follow and is less likely to follow the poison of his mother. Speak to women aid and then get the kids out of the country with you. If I were in your position I would pretend the death of someone and take kids with you on a one way ticket out of there!