A very difficult time, advice please

[BelleandSeb]

Hi there this is my first ever thread.

My DH and I have two kids DD aged 6 and DS aged 3. We moved back in England where I'm from for six months as our life abroad went tits up ( We lost our jobs and home as a result of the pandemic, it has been a nightmare) My DH couldn't settle in England, was pining for his home country as was my DD aged 6. So he went back to live with my MIL abroad as he had an offer of a few months work and my DD cried and cried to go back as well. Big mistake that I let her go with him. I was happy back at home. I didn't want to leave after the horrendous time we'd had and the lack of faith in the place and the lack of support we received abroad. Anyhow I got called back for a few months work and my DS and I moved a month after so that we could be together although I didn't want to, purely for the kids . All of us with the MIL who is an absolute nightmare. She criticises everything I do and living with her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm doing this for my family and I'm being so respectful with my MIL making sure she has her space, taking the kids out, cleaning up, buying food just as any good house guest does. I have the overwhelming feeling that she only wants her son and my 2 kids there. I'm ignored, insulted and criticised. My son is ASD and had a really bad day yesterday and she had the nerve to say that when I'm with him I mess him up and that he's better when I'm not around. This hurt so much and my MIL thinks my daughter is hers. She took her to the hairdresser without asking (I saw a similar post the other day) and she keeps my daughters clothes in her room as apparently I don't wash or iron properly. I'm going out of my mind and the relationship with my DH is awful as he never sticks up for me. He's unemployed again and I'm going to work away for a month to bring some money in and MIL is delighted as she can control my kids without me there as she thinks things are worse when I'm around. So I'm starting work tomorrow and I really don't want to be away from my kids but I feel so unwelcome and I just want to move to my home country with my kids but I would need to go legal to do that. What a mess. I feel my mental health is worsening and that Im trapped with no money to get my kids out of this situation. Plus my DH is not applying for jobs and seems to be always unemployed. My siblings saw all this coming before I did and warned me.The worst thing is I've been told by my MIL that there's no space for me and that it would be a good idea if I rented a room nearby. I feel gutted and she's always hinting that it's better if I worked away and came for visits only. Meanwhile her son my DH is enjoying our kids, no rent or bills to pay and has them in a summer camp in the mornings. Yes he appears pissed off about the things MIL says but would never speak up as he's too afraid of her and needs her approval constantly which he never gets.

I'm so sorry for such a long post but I'm being pushed out of my family and it really hurts and any advice would be welcome.

Thank you so much in advance xo

Hello all. Thanks a million for your advice. I have taken it and I'm fighting the fight for my kids. I didn't return to the U.K and I'm staying here to get a job. I'm in a woman's refuge (they had no family rooms and not the most helpful but at least I have somewhere to go) I am in touch with the embassy and social services. I see the kids everyday I drop them at school, collect them and take them to the park in the evenings. I'm fighting hard for us to be together. Sticking it out here although I don't like it but theres no alternative to take them out of Spain as they were born here and I don't have permission from their dad. I'm steering clear of MIL and as the kids are back at school and I pick them up and take them out they don't see her which contents me. Their dad wants me back is trying to be all responsible looking for flats for all of us to be together. I've told him I don't want that and the arguments continue as he could really have said to his mother if I go we all go as a family I can't bear that he didn't stick up for me. I'll keep you all posted. To whoever 'kindly' said man up id love to see you out here on your own alone without no support or money putting up with this shit with declining mental health and having to say bye to my two precious kids every eveming to come back to a refuge and having to explain why I can't stay at their grandmas. The man up comment hit hard and its an expression that hit me at a low point and is why I couldn't comment on here til now. I'm pouring my heart out here and vulnerable so please be kind. I know that there have been many kind and helpful replies and I appreciate that x

Can you play along withbdh and say you'll get back together if he goes back to UK with you and dump him once you get back? It may make the legal portion better. Time to be ruthless

@BookFiend4Life

Can you play along withbdh and say you'll get back together if he goes back to UK with you and dump him once you get back? It may make the legal portion better. Time to be ruthless

I have to admit, when I read that the dad is trying to reunite the family, this is what I thought too. I cannot see any other way to win this fight other than playing the long game.

Well done OP! Keep going and good luck. You sound really strong.

I've been trying to convince him to move back to the UK but he won't have it. Under no circumstances will he go back as he hated it the last time. I feel I will have to stick it out here and fight.

Have you gotten legal advice?

Who are your DC staying with?

Do your parents know him and his mother are trying to keep your DC?
Him and his mother do sound like deadbeats and users.

How is the job situation going?

This is an awful situation for you! I would play along with getting bank together then go for a ‘holiday’ with the children to see your family. Do not go back to this man or his vile mother. I feel so sorry for you. This is horrendous!!!

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

It's going to be difficult if the kids were born in Spain but just wanted to give you a heads-up about this organisation in UK (knowledge is power).

Sorry if it's been mentioned already, I only basically read your own posts.

www.reunite.org/

Oh OP this sounds horrendous. How are you holding up ?

How old are your children ? if they're approaching teens, they'll be able to vote themselves??

I doubt he'd be able to rent anywhere if he's reliant on your money to do so. MIL won't (can't) help because she wants them there.

Can you get legal help ?

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP. Please ask the refuge if they can direct you to the Spanish equivalent of a pro-bono lawyer. They can help and legally represent you for free. My heart breaks at the thought of you waving goodbye to your darling children each night. You are absolutely doing the right thing staying and fighting for your kids. You don’t need to man up…you are incredibly strong and when you look back on this nightmare can be proud of the sacrifices you made for your children x

You are are going to have to assert yourself
And possible get divorced
As this a very toxic situation and your MIL is a batshit nasty woman

And it’s a long game
Good you are working and earning
Save the money up

I don’t know what else to say other than

Work
Keep a diary
Save up
Plan

You can exit this x

@RantyAunty

Have you gotten legal advice?

Who are your DC staying with?

Do your parents know him and his mother are trying to keep your DC?
Him and his mother do sound like deadbeats and users.

How is the job situation going?

I need to push for legal advice. Unfortunately the refuge couldn't accommodate my children due to demand which is pathetic so unfortunately they live with my MIL and hubby but luckily they are at school and with me after school so they don't have to see her. I'm making sure of that. MIL and hubby absolutely adore them and vice versa and look after them really well, well in front of me anyway but I'm trying to protect them as much as possible..I am the problem in MILs eyes. Well my dad passed away a few years back and my mum is very old and I've been warned by my brothers and sisters not to worry her as she's fragile. My brother told me more or less to 'man up' (that's why I hate that!) Effing get back and work and fight for them. There is no sympathy there or support..they know this is all happening. I've been in touch with a refuge where I'm from in the U.K and they can take me and the kids in. I just need to get them there and jump through the legal stuff. Please let it happen I'd be so much better there in a familiar place and not just a nuisance of a foreigner which I feel like here at the minute!

@Backtoblack1

This is an awful situation for you! I would play along with getting bank together then go for a ‘holiday’ with the children to see your family. Do not go back to this man or his vile mother. I feel so sorry for you. This is horrendous!!!

Thank you so much for your support. It means alot X It is horrendous and my head is in a fog x

@blueskytoday06

Oh OP this sounds horrendous. How are you holding up ?

How old are your children ? if they're approaching teens, they'll be able to vote themselves??

I doubt he'd be able to rent anywhere if he's reliant on your money to do so. MIL won't (can't) help because she wants them there.

Can you get legal help ?

I'm not holding up very well. I've a clear objective and the priority is my kids but I wake up everyday overwhelmed and put a brave face on for them. My kids are 6 and 4..the eldest doesn't want to be with me, a real daddy's girl and loves my MIL she can't imagine life anywhere else. Like her dad, dead against the U.K. she's so young and I feel her dad has been putting stuff in her head as she's too young to say stuff like 'we can't be a family anymore'. She would hate me forever if I took her from her dad and Spanish family. I know she can't decide and I'm her mum but it's very hard. My son is

Sorry I posted that too soon. Yes. Tomorrow I need to push for legal help as my hubby and I aren't getting anywhere through our conversations and they just give me a really sore head

@Moonwatcher1234

Very sorry to hear about your situation OP. Please ask the refuge if they can direct you to the Spanish equivalent of a pro-bono lawyer. They can help and legally represent you for free. My heart breaks at the thought of you waving goodbye to your darling children each night. You are absolutely doing the right thing staying and fighting for your kids. You don’t need to man up…you are incredibly strong and when you look back on this nightmare can be proud of the sacrifices you made for your children x

Thanks it's good to know what type of legal aid I need it's all so confusing. I'll ask for a pro bono lawyer. Yes it's so hard to say bye to them every night. It's not natural and it feels so unfair. I can't wait to see the other side of this