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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Daughter's wedding vs my mental health

57 replies

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 08:34

Hi, I've been a lurker for a little while but this is my first ever post.
I guess I'm looking for some wise words on how to handle a stressful situation without completely alienating my daughter. She is getting married (3rd time) later in the year. I've been invited to attend, I am the only member of her family that has been invited. Her father passed away some years back and she hasn't told her brother she is marrying again. It's a very small affair with little fuss but I'm just so stressed about the whole thing I feel sick. Because of the distance between us we keep in regular contact but don't normally see each other that often (even pre covid times). Her partner has kids from a previous relationship and seems to be kind but, since they have been together my daughter has suffered many mental health problems and has spiralled into debilitating depression to the extent that she rarely leaves the house. It concerns me that she has made an important life decision whilst she is unwell.
On the occasions I have met the partner they have dominated all conversations. They are very loud and like to be the centre of attention making it very difficult to get a word in edgeways and I can certainly forget having any private time alone with my daughter. During phone calls the partner listens in the background and it becomes a three way conversation with them chipping in & shouting over my daughter and I. Its so exhausting being in their company or even talking on the phone. When I last visited, my daughter generously insisted I stay with them. It was dreadful. We had no pivacy to talk, and I was bombarded by the partner the entire time. I sobbed my heart out at the sheer frustration and exhaustion when I got home. When they visited here it was mildly better but they still dominated every conversation.
I have asked my daughter if she is sure she wants to go ahead with the wedding and she insists she is happy and has found the right one.
The issue is I can't face being there; 1. I don't think it's the right person or right time for her. But I do realise I have to respect her decision. 2. My own mental health will suffer if I attend as I find the dynamics so upsetting and stressful. I know that for me I need to pull myself together, be honest and decline the invite but I don't want to risk losing my daughter.
I just don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 08:37

Is there a reason you’ve kept this gender neutral?

I think it’s important to support your daughter in her life choices, but if it’s making you ill then you need to explain that.

PicsInRed · 31/07/2021 08:37

It sounds like your daughter is in a controlling and abusive relationship. Is this something you've already considered?

HollowTalk · 31/07/2021 08:37

God, this is every parent's nightmare. How horrible that you can't have a conversation with her without him being there.

You say it's her third wedding. What happened in the previous marriages? Has her character changed since she met this guy? Does she go to work? Does he work outside the house or from home?

Cockenspiel · 31/07/2021 08:41

How old is your daughter? Does she has a history of being in abusive relationships? Are there children involved?

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 08:43

Thank you for your replies.
Yes I kept it gender neutral as I don't see the relevance.
Yes I have considered it could be an abusive relationship which is why I questioned her motives. She assured me she is sure of her decision.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 08:49

Why hasn’t she told her brother she’s marrying again? I’m going to hazard a guess it’s because he disapproves of her partner and has said so.

Ultimately you cannot prevent her marrying her partner, even if you strongly believe it is the wrong thing to do. As you say, not alienating her is very important. You must keep the line of communication in case she does decide to leave them eventually. It would be best if you could go but I understand you need to protect your mental health too. What do you need to do that? Private hotel room, strictly limited time period (not staying over), your son there too (ask if he can be invited) etc?

If you really feel you cannot be there at the marriage at all, then you need to make that decision now.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2021 08:50

Is there any way you could see her on her own, face to face, or would her girlfriend tag along?

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 08:58

Her previous marriages were abusive in different ways. She is not working due to her health. I have told her that she should let her brother know even if she didn't want to invite him but you may have a point about him not approving.....
I'm not Hopeful that as Mother & Daughter we will ever have privacy again which makes me very sad.
I've booked the hotel so I would have some space but I still can't stop stressing.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 31/07/2021 09:04

Does she accept her previous relationships were abusive?

Will you not tell her brother? It's unfair of her to potentially cause a rift between you and him.

I don't have a solution but can see why it would be so stressful.

vincettenoir · 31/07/2021 09:10

I think you do risk damaging the relationship with your daughter if you decline the invitation now after previously agreeing to go. One possible way to deal with it would be to attend in a way that protects your boundaries as much as possible. Perhaps only stay for a couple of hours and say you have a train to catch. Tell your daughter you can’t stay for long beforehand.

Ultimately it sounds like your daughter needs you and it would not be good for her to be isolated from her family atm. It sounds possible to maintain the relationship without impacting your own MH, particularly if you don’t see them often.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 09:11

Thank you
Yes she has accepted the previous relationships were abusive. We have discussed those at length and she received counselling.
I have offered to talk to her brother and made it clear I won't collude in secrets.

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 09:15

I'd just straight up say, 'listen honey, your partner is a total asshole. He is a self important wanker who talks over people and I don't know how you can stand it. He gave me anxiety after just a week!I bet he is even listening in on this convo because he doesn't give you a seconds privacy. (Hello James! Yes, I think you're a dick). I love you darling and I will always have your back, always. But your partner gives me the Heebies so I wobt be at the wedding if it goes ahead'.

Lay it all out on the table.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 09:15

You’re anticipating things that are escalating an anxiety spiral in you. You need to stop distressing yourself with the idea of what the future holds (easier said than done, I know) and focus on the practical steps to get through the wedding day itself. Then deal with the ongoing relationship after that. And try to get your son/her brother on side too, or at least find out why she hasn’t invited him/what’s going on there.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 09:16

@Umberellatheweatha

Lay it all out on the table.

This would be a very quick way to have no contact with your child at all. High stakes, and potentially very unkind too.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 09:20

He is going to make her cut contact with her family anyway. Guarantee it. I'd do whatever I could to snap my kid out of it. Just dont use the actual word 'abuser' incase he is listening in. As long as you tell her also that you will always love her then at least once she gets away from him she knows she can come back to you for support.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 09:23

It's a war whether you want to be in it or not. So find some fight. I agree that often just supporting the kid and hoping they realise on their own is best. But ops daughter...no, mum needs to be honest. Even at the risk of being cut off for a while.

Maybe you could write her a letter instead? Or would he read her post too?

bonfireheart · 31/07/2021 09:24

If you're staying in a hotel it is only a few hours in their company otherwise your daughter will feel alone.

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 09:25

Sounds very simplistic to me, umberella - do you have grown-up DC? My MIL went through this and I can 100% tell you if she’d cut off contact with her DC (which by giving a message like that a d forcing her DC to choose the abuser over her family it would have done) then it wouldn’t have been so simple as them ‘knowing they can come back for support’. The long game is better served by keeping your own boundaries but staying in contact, however hard.

dottiedodah · 31/07/2021 09:26

I would tread very carefully! My DD had a BF who I couldnt stand, however I was careful not to say this at the time.Luckily she accepts he was an asshole now .Your DD may have accepted that her previous RL were abusive ,but it is very easy for people to follow that same path .Quite possibly she is in denial and if she suffers from low self esteem then she will be looking for a partner rather than being alone .This is not healthy obv .I would simply say to her that you want her to be happy ,and just check she is certain about proceeding .All you can then do is let her know you will be there for her .

RickOShay · 31/07/2021 09:26

Ahh you’ve got to go. She needs you.

LynetteScavo · 31/07/2021 09:26

You need to go to your daughter and have a private conversation with her.

She won't listen to you at the moment and will continue with the wedding, but you need to be there to support her. If you don't go she wont feel she can turn to you when she really needs support because the relationship is failing.

It will be tough, but it's only one day or so and I really think you need to do it.

Seaoftroubles · 31/07/2021 09:28

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation but l think for your daughters sake you need to be there as otherwise it will almost certainly impact on your future relationship with her. You say her partner seems kind but also has an overbearing personality - do they seem controlling in other ways or are they just loud and bossy? I would definitely ask if your son can go with you (so that you have some moral support) and explain to your daughter that you feel you need him there so that you have some company, especially as you won't know anyone else at the wedding.

MindyStClaire · 31/07/2021 09:28

Regardless of your approval for the partner, not going to your daughter's wedding is effectively ending the relationship.

I thought the advice for friends and family was that you shouldn't give any reason for them to be alienated from you, and to just bide your time.

If previous partners were male and accepted into the family but the first female partner isn't then you'll appear homophobic as well (although perhaps all partners have been female, it just doesn't read that way).

Basically, go for the sake of your relationship with your daughter.

Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 09:30

But you're not keeping your own boundaries at all if you are spending time with people you hate. That person would just be violating your 'boundaries' as well as the daughters.

I get why you would do it. But really it's just playing the abusers game because they'll find something to alienate you from the kid, whether you play nicely nicely with them or not. Besides, op already doesn't want to be around her child - because he is always there! So one way or the other, she wont see her kid. I'd rather go out knowing that I'd fought for her, personally.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 09:31

@Umberellatheweatha - that made me laugh!! If only I could say something like that and be sure I didn't alienate her.....
@vincettenoir @NoSquirrels yes you're both right. Practical steps to protect me but keeping the relationship on track. I do feel the need to ensure she knows I have her back whatever the longer term may be.

OP posts:

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