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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Daughter's wedding vs my mental health

57 replies

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 08:34

Hi, I've been a lurker for a little while but this is my first ever post.
I guess I'm looking for some wise words on how to handle a stressful situation without completely alienating my daughter. She is getting married (3rd time) later in the year. I've been invited to attend, I am the only member of her family that has been invited. Her father passed away some years back and she hasn't told her brother she is marrying again. It's a very small affair with little fuss but I'm just so stressed about the whole thing I feel sick. Because of the distance between us we keep in regular contact but don't normally see each other that often (even pre covid times). Her partner has kids from a previous relationship and seems to be kind but, since they have been together my daughter has suffered many mental health problems and has spiralled into debilitating depression to the extent that she rarely leaves the house. It concerns me that she has made an important life decision whilst she is unwell.
On the occasions I have met the partner they have dominated all conversations. They are very loud and like to be the centre of attention making it very difficult to get a word in edgeways and I can certainly forget having any private time alone with my daughter. During phone calls the partner listens in the background and it becomes a three way conversation with them chipping in & shouting over my daughter and I. Its so exhausting being in their company or even talking on the phone. When I last visited, my daughter generously insisted I stay with them. It was dreadful. We had no pivacy to talk, and I was bombarded by the partner the entire time. I sobbed my heart out at the sheer frustration and exhaustion when I got home. When they visited here it was mildly better but they still dominated every conversation.
I have asked my daughter if she is sure she wants to go ahead with the wedding and she insists she is happy and has found the right one.
The issue is I can't face being there; 1. I don't think it's the right person or right time for her. But I do realise I have to respect her decision. 2. My own mental health will suffer if I attend as I find the dynamics so upsetting and stressful. I know that for me I need to pull myself together, be honest and decline the invite but I don't want to risk losing my daughter.
I just don't know how to handle this.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/07/2021 09:32

Would emailing your DD help? To see how open she is to a conversation? Offer to take her for her hair done/mother and daughter drink or whatever the night before the wedding?

I think in that situation I would go to the wedding, but not stay at theirs. Are you/can you book into a nearby hotel?

Ughmaybenot · 31/07/2021 09:33

@Umberellatheweatha

I'd just straight up say, 'listen honey, your partner is a total asshole. He is a self important wanker who talks over people and I don't know how you can stand it. He gave me anxiety after just a week!I bet he is even listening in on this convo because he doesn't give you a seconds privacy. (Hello James! Yes, I think you're a dick). I love you darling and I will always have your back, always. But your partner gives me the Heebies so I wobt be at the wedding if it goes ahead'.

Lay it all out on the table.

Well that’s an outstanding way of losing your child completely and, if you truly believe it’s an abusive relationship, of putting DD at much higher risk…

I think you’ve really (unfortunately) done all you can at this stage OP, you’ve gently questioned whether this is the right thing to do, but if you push any harder (or lose all sense at all, as per the post above!) you run the risk of her not speaking to you at all.
I appreciate that you dislike the dynamic between them but this is fairly unlikely to be a problem (as such) on the wedding day, as it will be diluted due to having other guests there. Smile and wave, get the day over with, and then just try and keep communications open with your daughter, while also choosing to never stay there again as that sounds highly stressful!

NoSquirrels · 31/07/2021 09:34

I’d disagree you can’t maintain your boundaries without making it a fight or choice between the partner and yourself. As a parent you’ll always lose in that scenario. And is it about your feelings or about your child?

Anyway, I would go to the wedding, staying only as long as I felt was appropriate; continue to work on supporting DC to be independent of new partner and trying to keep private communication (this might be a long game) and talk to my son, foster wider family connections if possible.

timeisnotaline · 31/07/2021 09:35

Honestly I’d seek counselling for how you can cope. You sound very strongly affected. The best outcome is you go, and stay calm and supportive and maintain the relationship. It sounds like you need help to do that. You are not in a controlling abusive relationship yourself so hopefully someone can help you maintain some mental boundaries so you can be there for your daughter.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 09:36

I’m assuming your daughters future spouse is also a woman? Is this correct? Has her prevjous spouses also been women or was she married to men?

It’s not relevant unless there is a switch there that’s potentially an underlying issue Ie is everyone fully accepting of her sexuality?

Apeirogon · 31/07/2021 09:37

OP I think you should try to go if you possibly can. Your DD needs your support.

Sidneysussex · 31/07/2021 09:39

I'm going to assume that you are not able to separate your daughter from the partner for some shopping girl time? I also assume this is a female partner? A male partner is easier to get rid of if you say you are going underwear shopping.
I would try the mother daughter time lunch and dear partner sorry you are not invited technique. My MIL does this all the time to me with DH ( not that I have ever had any desire to be anywhere near her so she is welcome to time alone with prescious golden son ). It does sound controlling and your daughter does sound vulnerable so you have my sympathy.
You will have to go and smile politely at the wedding, you can say you will always be there for her and you can keep a distance.

Whitedeer · 31/07/2021 09:42

I think that you need to forget emotions as far as possible. You need to be ruthlessly practical, here.
You love your daughter and you can see her getting into trouble and you're probably right.
Can you stop her? Not a hope. If she's in love and getting married you'll never stop her and nor will her brother. If you try to stop her you'll damage your relationship with her. If the marriage subsequently goes pear-shaped, she'll need you (especially in view of her health) and if you're at odds she won't be able to come to you for help.
If you offend her spouse it will be very difficult you and your daughter to see each other.
I'd suggest pragmatism. A charm offensive towards the future spouse with the clear (to you) goal of maintaining communications with your daughter. Go to the wedding and express nothing but absolute happiness with the spouse, the ceremony, the wedding breakfast and everything remotely connected with the occasion.
If you can trust your son's discretion ABSOLUTELY then let him in on the plan and encourage him to have a "change of heart" and be there for his sister, too. If not don't even hint at what you're doing
You are NOT condoning an unsuitable relationship in which your daughter is bullied; you are planning a strategy to help her. I promise you you cannot change or prevent the relationship

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 09:42

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants - she is not able or willing to leave the house before her big day. I have suggested a bit of pampering and drinks the day before. My offer to treat her was declined.

OP posts:

Dinosauraddict · 31/07/2021 09:42

If he is alienating her by refusing to give you two privacy, encouraging her to isolate, not speak to others in the family etc then I would say the very worst thing you could do for her would be to not attend. It will alienate her further, damage your relationship further, and mean she doesn't have anyone to support her when she's worried she's made a mistake, as she will realise, and definitely won't come to you. I think you have to put your Dd above yourself here and go.

actorbynight · 31/07/2021 09:48

Can you ask the partner straight up " would you mind giving myself and my daughter some time alone please?"

Why hasn't she told her brother?

Sid077 · 31/07/2021 09:51

Excellent advice from Whitedeer it’s a nightmare scenario for every parent, play the long game, go to the wedding - give her partner no opportunity to sow seeds of doubt about your relationship. You are present and always will be.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 09:52

@Bluntness100- yes this is a same sex marriage. Her first was with a man and second a woman. I have no issues with her sexuality. It's something we discuss openly.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 31/07/2021 10:04

You may have to play the long game here, OP. Keep the lines of contact and communication open, but maintain firm boundaries with the abusive partner.
When she talks over you, fix her with a firm stare and say “Would you please stop interrupting, it’s extremely rude”.
Or “Do you ever let DD get a word in edgeways? It’s bad for her mental health to be ignored and talked over, I thought you’d be more supportive”.
Or “DD has been in abusive dominating relationships before, I do hope you are going to be different”
Take every opportunity to show your DD just how unacceptable her partner is being, without spelling it out. Let her join the dots herself.
And be there for her when the shit inevitably hits the fan and this relationship fails like all the previous ones. At which point you have a window of opportunity to get her back into counselling or therapy.

Branleuse · 31/07/2021 10:16

I think you should still go, if only for the ceremony. If you dont, i think the partner may use it as evidence you dont care and be able to alienate her further. I would make it clear to your daughter that you are there for HER and will always be there for her, no matter what anyone says or tries to say.

caringdenise009 · 31/07/2021 10:20

Fake a positive covid test the day before the wedding.

PicsInRed · 31/07/2021 10:24

@ArseNelbow

Thank you for your replies. Yes I kept it gender neutral as I don't see the relevance. Yes I have considered it could be an abusive relationship which is why I questioned her motives. She assured me she is sure of her decision.

I would play the long game and don't let your daughter's fiancee/wife cut you away from her.

Abusers rely on isolation. Play the long game.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 10:24

@caringdenise009- and live with a lie for the rest of my days? In my weakest moments I have searched for excuses to bail out. I just wouldn't be comfortable with lying like that.

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 31/07/2021 10:28

Yes, you have to go or she will not reach out when she needs help, and it sounds like she will. Also I wouldn't criticise the partner in front of your DD as this will feel like you're criticising your DD's choice and drive her further away.

Are you responding with such stress because you have experienced a relationship like this yourself? I really do get that this is a nightmare scenario but I don't understand the instinct to avoid, in all honesty.

ChequerBoard · 31/07/2021 10:36

@Branleuse

This.

You have to go, even if only for a short time. You need to keep the lines of communication open and be ready to be there for your DD when it all falls apart.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 10:40

@ThePlantsitter- thank you that comment about my own relationships has given me something to think about!
Its very difficult seeing her as a former shadow of herself. She was strong, ambitious, determined. Now she is a physical and nervous wreck and totally reliant on her partner. It's heartbreaking to see.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 31/07/2021 10:52

I think you know you should go but it’s wise to steps to protect your MH. Which means focusing on the things in your control and who your DD weds, isn’t.

She hasn’t told her brother because she doesn’t want to be challenged and if you did she would probably disinvite you. This is a long game situation and it must be frustrating watching her repeat past mistakes but ultimately, it’s her decision and all you can do is wait until that decision bites her.

Original poster

ArseNelbow · 31/07/2021 10:53

Thank you for all so much your slant on things. I am taking in everything you say.

OP posts:

Mulhollandmagoo · 31/07/2021 11:09

Bless you, this is a really difficult situation for you and I completely understand why you're stressed and upset. Problem is, if she's in a controlling relationship then having absolutely no family won't help. Your daughter, if she is isolated from you then her partner will have more control over her, you just need to be a detached but civil as possible so that you're a presence in her life and she's knows she has you when everything goes wrong

Sarahlou63 · 31/07/2021 11:15

Would it be possible to get time alone with your daughter on the pretext that you need to discuss something private? Or could you ask her to accompany you to a medical appointment? Does her partner work?

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