How do you know if another woman has been in your house?

[Livandme]

OK, wise mumsnetters Im after some ideas on this.
In a few weeks, myself and a group of girlfriends are having a few nights away. We have met up this week to discuss and make arrangements. Whilst there, one of the group has suggested she thinks her long term partner is potentially seeing someone else.
She thinks he may have the woman to stay at their house whilst we are away.
She wants concrete evidence before confronting. I suggested she got ducks in a row in terms of financial etc but she wants to try get evidence whilst we are away.
I've suggested a ring doorbell may help but neither partner has been keen in the past so doing it now may arose suspicion.
Also suggested was asking neighbours but she didn't seem to like that idea v much.

Would you know if another woman had been in your house? What else could she do?

I think they are pretty close to the end of the road with regards to their relationship but obviously any findings may mean things are very difficult for a while.

@OrangeIsTheNewRed

For me it was the condom wrapper I found in my bedroom bin. He'd shagged her in our bed, with pictures of our dc on my bedside and dressing tables. At the time I was visiting his parents with our dc as he couldn't be assed to go (or had alternative plans). Wanker.

That's terrible. I hope you've moved on to a better place now without him.

The house being cleaned and tidied from top to bottom, when previously he was happy to live like an absolute slob.
The obvious newly changed bedsheets were an immediate giveaway... along with a bit of a condom wrapper in the bathroom bin (the absolute amateur).

I've come to the conclusion that if he's going to cheat he will and my friend may just accept it because on balance the companionship may be enough.
It doesn't sit well with me but my circumstances are different.

I know the mantra on here is ltb but every relationship is different. I just hope my friend is happy with her lot and not just "settling". I think she has enough to keep her positive though.
If she mentions it again before we go, I will bring up some of these ideas.

Print off a pic of friend and him together.. Frame it..
Tell friend to give it pride of place on the beside table and glue it down..
Surely he would at least try to move it??

@SpindleWhorl
a towel moved slightly differently in the bathroom, an extra cup washed up but put away not quite right, etc

You sound like the guy out of 'Sleeping with the Enemy'!

Put clean bedding on bed before she leaves .
Swap the washing powder / liquid for a different brand .
If he washes then puts back on bed the same bedding he probably won't think about it being a different scent but she will know its been changed.
I think i would know , most women are quite astute to minor changes / tweaks .
I think the placing an expensive cream /perfume is a good one .

[quote moonbedazzled]@SpindleWhorl
a towel moved slightly differently in the bathroom, an extra cup washed up but put away not quite right, etc

You sound like the guy out of 'Sleeping with the Enemy'![/quote]
Nah, I'm a messy bugger. But we're creatures of habit in this house, and I know even if DS has had a friend round.

Dash cam in the car facing the front door. Can last 5 days and car battery will be fine

@SpindleWhorl. Haha. I can match you for messiness, and I'd turn a blind eye if my other half brought someone home and they tidied up! Actually, I might take up with them instead!!

Leave a visitor's book in the bedroom.

🤣

Havnt read the whole thread.

We have a camera in a smoke alarm I can log into on my phone. I’d personally scatter a few different types of spy cameras around the house. I’d also be tempted to put one outside, one of the ones that are activated by animal movements and have a night vision to see if it captures someone coming in and out of the house.

Otherwise I think I would just know if someone has been in my house. I can tell, subtle things that only I would know especially if there is just my DH in the house, I know him and the things he would and wouldn’t do.

Other things I would look at if I ask suspicious are, sheets, my DH would never ever think about changing them so I would be highly suspicious if he did. He’s cleaned the toilet twice in over 10 years and each time it’s because I’ve got mad at him for never doing it. I’d leave the toilet and bathroom dirty, if he cleans it it’s because he’s trying to impress someone else. DH is not a wine drinker so I would do something to the wine glasses, maybe move them to the back of a cupboard and/or make sure they are all dirty and dusty so you will know if one has been cleaned or used. I’d be tempted to put something foul tasting on them, you know just in case he dosnt wash it before offering it to someone… Maybe the same with the ice tray, make sure it’s empty and in the cupboard. Again ice cubes, DH wouldn’t use them, only I do in my gin so if he uses them or buys ready made ones I’d be suspect.

I know someone who has the OW round whenever the wife goes away with the DC. This has been going on for years and if his wife has ever noticed then she hasn’t said anything as far as I’m aware. He is only staying for the DC so I’m guessing the marriage isn’t in a great place as they have slept in separate rooms for years so maybe that makes it less obvious. I think I would be able to tell though. I knew when my DC had a party, nothing was out of place but I just knew that people had been in my house. I think if your friend is experiencing that lack of trust then she needs to get out of the relationship.

@JaneJeffer

Leave a visitor's book in the bedroom.

[grin[ With comments from previous visitors!

Taking the actual question for me it would be the sheets definitely. It's one of the few things DP never ever does. It would be a screaming neon red flag in this house if the sheets were changed over a weekend I was away.

Otherwise I think you get to know the person you live with very well. I can generally predict exactly what would be in the dishwasher if DP is alone because he is a creature of habit and uses the same mugs and glasses. Anything outside of that would be confirmation for me as well as a spotless house (DP is pretty good around the house but for example we probably never have a completely empty dishwasher as a family of four....a cleaned and printing dishwasher would suggest hiding something).

However in general I am in agreement with pp I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing and would just end it but it's not that easy is it as a rule.

I’d turn up home a day early. Preferably in the evening or early morning.

Most of these plots only work if they spend a fair chunk of time at the house and use the bed/glasses/mugs etc. Although if he has lots of pets to care for, she’d need to visit him rather than vice versa, so some of these may work.

Tbh it’s obvious that the relationship is moribund. He might end up leaving her if he falls for someone else - surely it would be better for your friend to end the relationship on her terms and timescale, rather than wait to be dumped.

Private detective if she can afford it, then she’ll know for sure

Could she send a friend round? In the guise of delivering or returning something???

So I've come back with an update.
Friend got home and house tidy and cleanish. Fairly normal as partner is quite tidy. Said she felt like someone could have been there but nothing untoward except
A few pairs of missing socks she thinks. (I wouldn't know if I had any socks missing, so no advice on that)
Her diary and notebook moved slightly (but it turns out she left them out to tempt partner to read)
He hasn't mentioned or done anything since to suggest he's read them. Entries were about being stuck in relationship and being worried about it.

Am hoping she takes some advice on board and makes the right decision for her.