Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you know if another woman has been in your house?

95 replies

Livandme · 30/07/2021 23:30

OK, wise mumsnetters Im after some ideas on this.
In a few weeks, myself and a group of girlfriends are having a few nights away. We have met up this week to discuss and make arrangements. Whilst there, one of the group has suggested she thinks her long term partner is potentially seeing someone else.
She thinks he may have the woman to stay at their house whilst we are away.
She wants concrete evidence before confronting. I suggested she got ducks in a row in terms of financial etc but she wants to try get evidence whilst we are away.
I've suggested a ring doorbell may help but neither partner has been keen in the past so doing it now may arose suspicion.
Also suggested was asking neighbours but she didn't seem to like that idea v much.

Would you know if another woman had been in your house? What else could she do?

I think they are pretty close to the end of the road with regards to their relationship but obviously any findings may mean things are very difficult for a while.

OP posts:
crabbingbucket · 31/07/2021 07:46

She gets a friend to knock for her while she's away?

DrNo007 · 31/07/2021 07:49

Actually the legalities of recording without the person’s knowledge are more complex and more liberal than has been suggested here. You can use such recordings in court with the permission of the court but might get into trouble if you release recordings publicly or sell them. But it would be a civil not a criminal matter. www.dma-law.co.uk/is-it-illegal-to-record-conversations/

LemonTT · 31/07/2021 07:52

Be a good friend and tell her it’s over already.

BrozTito · 31/07/2021 08:18

Id just film the outside of the house

bigbaggyeyes · 31/07/2021 08:53

Go home early, or ask another friend to keep AMA eye on the house or a private investigator

BackToBedford · 31/07/2021 09:06

It’s seems a bit strange to need to do that, but…

At work, for some workshops our team set up a go pro on a tripod, and have it in snapshot mode. A picture is taken every certain amount of time, and at the end you have a video and stills that capture the progress of the even, the people, the energy, etc. In our case it would show whiteboard, post it’s, models, sketches and so on.

She could go full “discovery channel” and setup up a nature camera and capture the creatures in their natural habitat, drinking tea, shagging in the living room, etc

StopCryingYourHeartOut · 31/07/2021 09:16

It is not illegal to put secret cameras in your own home as long as they are not put somewhere where any person might expect a lot of privacy, for example a bedroom or bathroom.
Living room and other common areas are fine.

Unfortunately I know this as this is what my ex husband did to me with hidden devices.

DinosaurDiana · 31/07/2021 09:20

Put clean bedding on just before she goes. If he changes it there’s probably a reason.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/07/2021 09:24

I would simply come home early saying I didn’t feel well.

bonfireheart · 31/07/2021 09:28

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

MydogWillow · 31/07/2021 09:46

I know immediately if someone else has been in our house as it's smells different.

Your friend's instincts are enough and the relationship is over. However understand the need for evidence to give her 100% certainty.

KurtWilde · 31/07/2021 09:50

I always know when someone has been in my house. Usually it's just little things but here's how I knew my exh had had the OW over while me and DC were at my parents for the weekend:

For starters he'd stripped the bed and washed the bedding 'for you, Kurt..' something he'd never ever even considered doing before. Brand new shampoo and conditioner was a quarter empty. He only ever used his own shower gel, so it wasn't him. And I found the pile of baby clothes I'd left airing on the dining room table shoved behind the sofa. He told me I was bonkers, obviously, then I went to put something in the bathroom bin and there were roll up tab ends in there. Neither of us smoke. It also explained why all the windows in the house were wide open.

Obviously these are specific to my situation, but on talking to others I've noticed the change of bed sheets when it's not in their usual MO is a big tell for many women. So I'd go with that. I'd also say the relationship is already dead in the water tbh.

FloofyCushion · 31/07/2021 09:53

Camera in her car if it's parked facing the house
Private investigator
Ask a friendly neighbour to keep an eye out

Why is she so sure he would bring someone back to his? He may just stay with the ow or book their own holiday together.

MarianneUnfaithful · 31/07/2021 09:57

Hairs in the shower trap
Tissues in toilet bin
Check rubbish and recycling
My friend found plastic tampon applicators in bags in the outside bin.

Original poster
Livandme · 31/07/2021 09:57

Thank you for the responses. Friend has admitted she is openly plodding along but they have been together a long time and is at a point in her life she has is happy with companionship.
We have told her she is worth more than this but it is her decision and I can see why she doesn't want to upset the status quo. An example, both families are very close and they all get on. (I for one, would love this)
She wouldn't set up any internal cameras but I think she'd like to know if anyone has been in and therefore the state of play with her relationship.
Asking a relative to pop by might be a good idea as they are all close and it would be normal.

I do feel for her and suspect in the cold light of day, she has some thinking to do.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 31/07/2021 09:59

It’s all very well wanting evidence before ending the relationship, but what if there isn’t any? What if he doesn’t bring another woman back to the house and she doesn’t find out anything? Will she still leave or will she stay in the relationship?

At the end of the day, if the relationship is over then it’s over. She doesn’t need evidence of an OW to end it.

Disneycharacter · 31/07/2021 09:59

Voice activated recording device? Under the bed or in the living room

MarianneUnfaithful · 31/07/2021 10:21

Worrying that an OW is in your house while you are away is not a content way to live the status quo Sad

Especially is the possible OW is part of a close friendship group Sad.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2021 10:27

Having an affair is one thing but bringing your lover home to your marital home is really awful. Surely this would only happen if his girlfriend is also married? If she's not with someone else, it's far more likely that he'd spend all weekend at her place.

What makes her think they'd go to his place, OP?

PerpetuallyBaffled · 31/07/2021 10:31

@Kalvinette

Leave out lots of something countable in the bathroom like a box with 12 tampons in it or a dish with 16 hair bands, something she wouldnt expect to have been counted beforehand but will have. Leave out an expensive perfume or face cream, something someone is likely to pick up and read the label out of curiosity, but angle it a particular way beforehand so you remember precisely how it was positioned.
This.

The most likely thing another woman will move will be perfume, because she will be curious to smell it. As long as the perfume is usually kept in a place where the man is unlikely to need to move it, this will be the best bet for strategic positioning.

Smell of the house generally is likely to be the most telling difference.

Unfortunately neither of these things provide direct evidence.

Blueskytoday06 · 31/07/2021 10:36

Tbh if she's at the point that she feels she needs to do this, she should just end it. No man is worth going to those lengths. If her sixth sense is kicking in, it's probably for a good reason. Tell her to call time.

Angelofchaos · 31/07/2021 10:40

@SummerWhisper

Building on *@Kalvinette* 's ideas - tell her to leave a long hair on her jewellery box; your friend will know if she has opened it.

Tell her to leave something small on the floor of her side of the bed, like a bit of fabric, a scrunchie or a hankie, something that looks like it's been dropped - and photograph its position.

She could place a pair of her knickers in the bed, right where her bum or back would be. It would be odd if they were moved by her husband as they wouldn't be in his way.

Tell her to wash all of the crockery and cutlery before she goes and see how much is in the sink / dishwasher or on the draining board when she returns.

A hair can get wafted quite easily

Something on the floor could be picked up by her partner.

If my partner isn't here I sleep on the middle of the bed. If his pants or a piece of clothing was in the bed, I would definitely notice and move them.

Do men not put pots away?

This whole thread is honestly, batshit. And most of the ideas, don't even make sense.

Most of these ideas wouldn't prove anything. Even of the 'bait' item has moved.

Its also entirely possible that this woman is wrong and trying to set someone up to catch them out is really no way to live for either party.

Is she intending to keep doing this? Even if he just sits in his pants on his own all weekend. Because this sort of thing can easily just become plain abusive.

BrozTito · 31/07/2021 11:06

I remember a PI (think it was on here) saying that over hundreds of cases women had only been wrong to suspect cheating about 3 times, and the men were still up to something dodgy. About half of men's cheating suspicions were wrong

MydogWillow · 31/07/2021 11:11

If it's not unusual for relatives to drop by, I doubt DP would risk taking another woman home.

PerpetuallyBaffled · 31/07/2021 11:18

@MydogWillow

If it's not unusual for relatives to drop by, I doubt DP would risk taking another woman home.
Sometimes affairs thrive on risk.

Also, it could potentially be fairly easy to explain away a female visitor, especially if the couple have varied and/or different interests, e.g. a fellow club member calling about an event.