Do I just accept it as it genuinely is best for DD? Would welcome your thoughts.

[Babymeanswashing]

DD was born very end of November so right in between lockdown 2 and 3. I’m now looking at back to work, and although we’ve done lots of coffee and baby classes and activities I’m still conscious she just hasn’t seen a wide range of faces and spaces yet.

So she’s in nursery FT. Originally the plan was to have her in the last 2 weeks of august part time. This was so I could get some work done (I’m a teacher) and gently transition her. Only this now isn’t happening, DP has suggested that he takes the first 2 weeks of September off and picks her up early so she isn’t doing those full days immediately.

DP has been WFH for ages and it’s fine but I actually feel so jealous that he’ll have two weeks in a quiet empty house and can do whatever he wants … sleep and read and watch whatever he wants and listen to loud music …

I’m being horribly petty I think but it feels unfair even though It’s not!

Taking 2 weeks off work just so he can collect your daughter from nursery a bit earlier each day is a bit of an overkill! I would advise him to keep his leave for the inevitable days when your daughter is unwell and can’t go to nursery and you are at work. And 2 weeks annual leave should surely be spent together as a family - unless you are also getting 2 child and work free weeks?

Your title implies you are asking a question about your DD but your post seems to be objecting to your DH having some time to himself so I’m not really sure what you are asking.

Your DD won’t notice she hasn’t gone to groups. They really are for the adult rather than the baby. However, I think she will appreciate having a phased introduction to nursery. You can always tell your DH to object to him having time to himself so to take half days off work instead. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And yes, it makes you sound very petty unless you have a bad relationship where your DH doesn’t do his share and if that’s the case, then that’s your issue and not your OP.

I hope I’m not objecting to DP having time to himself so much as me not ever having the equivalent. Tbh, I don’t even mind it being uneven but him having 2 weeks and me none feels a bit unfair and it’s making me feel a bit resentful. And I hate feeling like that.

OTOH if it’s genuinely best for DD, I can’t take time off in my job, it’s maybe just one of those things, like being resentful of DPs not doing night feeds but if you’re breastfeeding they can’t! Don’t know if that makes sense!

It might seem overkill but tbf I am a bit concerned how she’ll cope suddenly being plummeted into five days a week and I do want it to go as smoothly as possible for her. The thing is DP can also spend that two weeks getting work done which means he can have even more downtime during the day when he does go back to work!

That's a big chunk of leave. What happens if like many babies she gets lots of minor illnesses which mean time off work to care for her? Does he have so much leave he'll still be able to do his share of the days she can't go to child care? Because if he won't this plan needs to be reassessed. Maybe he could go 1/2 days or leave an hour or two early or have say Wednesday off so she goes Monday, Tuesday, home Wednesday, child care Thursday, Friday. I really wouldn't waste leave unless he has a lot more leave accumulated.

Yeah, he’s accrued quite a lot of leave. Mostly because his work is very flexible so he hasn’t really needed to take any time off for day to day stuff, and we’ve only had one short holiday since 2019 because of obviously lockdowns and so on.

If the aim is FT nursery by September I wouldn't fuck around tbh. Let her (and therefore DH) do two or three half days at first, then FT and run with it. I don't see the advantage to anyone of drawing things out for two weeks.

But won't she be in nursery during all the holidays? So won't you get time to yourself every school holiday?

Apart from when they are closed at Christmas?

@Angelofchaos

But won't she be in nursery during all the holidays? So won't you get time to yourself every school holiday?

Apart from when they are closed at Christmas?

I'd presume if OP is a teacher, she will probably be using a term time only contract (makes more financial sense).

In the nicest was possible OP, you need to get over this. When kids were little and I worked part time evenings, I had time alone in the day everyday when they went to preschool etc. DH never had a day off without someone home. Then I went full time Monday to Friday and we were role reversed (he has two weekdays off). Now I WFH so no one gets to be in the house alone.

If you want break, sort out some childcare and take it.

Yeah it’s a term time only contract. I get what you’re saying about roles being reversed but tbh that’s sort of my point here, as the roles aren’t reversed at all!

Yeah I think it does seem a little petty to object just because of the time to himself.

But I’d be annoyed about using up such a large amount of holiday that may be needed later, and I wouldn’t think 2 weeks is really necessary.

I’m not objecting to it though. I’m just thinking how nice and relaxing it will be and I’m very conscious I won’t have an equivalent. I suppose that’s what it is really. It feels a bit like DPs holiday is definitely a holiday while mine won’t be! Even though both is for dd really. I’d never object to it, just one of those things.

It sounds as if he hasn’t been giving you equal down time while you have been on maternity, had he take her out for half a day every weekend for you to have some time to yourself?

Taking two weeks off just to pick up from nursery a little earlier isn't really necessary, I don't think. If he has a flexible job, can he not just flex his hours?

Both my kids were out of nursery more than they were in for the first few months because of the amount of bugs they caught, so I'd want to save as much of that accrued leave as possible?

It is just one of those things I'm afraid.

A) Bonus of being a teacher is you can save some cash with a term-time only contract and not have to worry about patching together leave/childcare/favours to get through the holidays.

B) Negatives of being a teacher is that your holiday days are fixed and always coincide with the children being off (unless you're in a different area to the school your child's in and don't have matching holidays which causes its own headache).

Having said that, I'm not a teacher and I've never had a child-free holiday because of A.

I would get your Dh to save holidays if he can though. Your DD is likely to be bouncing in and out of childcare for the first term while she cycles through the germs (as will you both unfortunately).

You will have teachers holidays for the rest of your life and the lively freedom that entails. You have no need to feel jealous. ( l am a teacher!)

Lovely freedom!!

But freedom to have the house to yourself and do exactly as you please isn’t the same as when you have children in tow @junebirthdaygirl

I absolutely love having dd with me but it’s pointless pretending I can sleep on the sofa, watch whatever I want on TV, read, garden, cook, while she’s here. It just isn’t the same at all no matter how lovely teachers holidays might be.

I don’t necessarily want him to take dd away from me for an afternoon. I think the main issue is I feel a bit pushed out of the house tbh. I feel pressured to be out because he’s working and this will obviously remain when I am on holiday as he’ll be working.

I don’t know what I’m trying to communicate here! But I just feel a bit low about it and I’m not sure why. I’m not one for having everything split exactly down the middle even. Sometimes life doesn’t work like that. But just the same his holiday vs my holiday are looking VERY different

Sounds like you need a full time contract at the nursery.

Your DD needs settling in time, can you just pay for some days? Outside of your contract? It’s in everyone’s interest to do some settling in

Oh definitely and she gets settling in days. But I do get that with the best will in the world going from being with me all the time to FT nursery is an abrupt change and I do want to make that transition as smooth as possible for her.

I guess if DP was saying oh and I’ll also take some leave over half term so you can have some downtime it would be different but even if he did both he and she would be in the house so it wouldn’t exactly be peaceful!

Tbh I would quite like to be paying 50% nursery fees and have a bit of downtime over school holidays but I ended up feeling like the worst parent in the world when I raised it on here as a possibility! But yeah I do struggle sometimes … not so much with DD but more with the whole covid thing, I think.

When your dd is a bit older your dh can take her away for a holiday together and give you a few days by yourself (visit family maybe? Or just to enjoy an activity/visit somewhere you're not bothered about).

Until then, it's not unreasonable for you to expect him to take his holidays at the same time as you so that you can have family time and also so that your entire holidays don't just become child care so I would assume that this is a one-off.

Might be worth sounding out the nursery to see if their numbers allow you to book ad-hoc days in the school holidays so that you can have the odd day to yourself, or time to prepare before going back to school in future years.

I don’t really want that though, I think that would feel very wrong - I wouldn’t like it and I think I’d get a lot of judgement tbh.

The nursery have two options, term time only and 50% payment with 50% attendance. I’d like the latter but tbh even if I went for that I’d still have the problem of lack of downtime at home! So maybe that’s the issue really! It’s sometimes really hard to know what it is, you feel a bit weird about something but hard to explain exactly what it is.

If she has settling in days I don't see the need to be picking her up early.
Its honesty best to just leave them to do it, it's easier for the settling process.
I would also keep the 2 weeks for illness, my LO picked up everything for about 6 months.

I’m not really posting about DD though, although it’s interesting to see what people think I do think a more gradual transition is beneficial.

I’m posting really about my own feelings surrounding DP. Hard to explain.

I think the realisation that parenthood effects men differently to men, generally women take on more of the responsibility and men’s lives change less.

I had a good friend who is a teacher and her kids always went to nursery a couple of days a week in the holidays, it’s important you have time for yourself.