End of first holiday . Can I have your opinions please?

[wordrobber]

I had another thread about the start of the weeks holidays. We're now nearing the end of it .
It's our first weeks holiday after a year together. We live apart , divorced each with kids, busy stressful jobs. Normally see each other eow for full weekend and an overnight during the alt weekend.
We get on brilliantly . He is caring considerate and attentive . Our sex life is lovely . Normally intimate on each night we are together .
However ... we've spent six days together . He is absolutely shattered . Sleeping a lot , irregular sleep pattern which is normal for him, dozing. He also has a chronic lung condition with leaves him breathless on minimal exertion and is unfit . He is also 2 stone overweight. This al has a bearing on his tiredness and dropping off a few times throughout the day , every day.
We have had sex twice and he seems to have no interest in sex and frankly no energy . He is as affectionate and caring as always .
We've discussed this and have accepted that we need separate rooms for when he cannot sleep during night or wakes up at his. Usual time of 4am. We go to bed together and he comes back to bed in the morning at a decent hour .
Sexually he says he is conscious of our lack of activity and it has nothing to do with attraction or me but it does feel awful for me. He has been willing to accept oral sexual twice but no reciprocation so I've just stopped doing that .
I understand the insomnia, ill health but I guess I had our first holiday built up in my mind and it's been disappointing from those two perspectives .
We do nice things each day but also laze around. No drinking to speak of and are both late forties .
Can you give me your objective opinions on this week please ?

I remember your last thread. You had a LOT of opinions and advice.
You haven't had sex twice, you've had piv twice and oral twice according to you. He sounds exhausted. You said he works hard. You also said he is affectionate, loving, holds your hand, kisses you etc. I think you have put massive expectations on him and if this were a guy posting this yiu would get slated.
That being said, if this doesn't work for you, and this is how its going to be, then end it and let him find someone else.

You’re clearly unhappy. I’d call it quits.

Thanks@Allypallya . Yes lots of advice and I appreciated all of it. I guess we're nearing the end of the holiday and the exhaustion and lack of intimacy got worse so I just wanted some objectivity . Thanks once more .

Some people have sex twice a week and are happy with it. I think as he has a lung condition you need to cut him a bit of slack.
I assume you thought it'd be every night and he probably didn't. I'd say he's trying his best but doesn't realise the harm he's causing himself by being 2 stone overweight with a lung condition

@LunaNorth . Thanks. Do you think it's problematic enough to call it quits. Apart from these two issues this week, I'm very happy and so is he.

Do you always place this much emphasis on sex? You seem to be keeping a running tally in your head!

A weeks holiday- having penetrative sex twice, and other intimacy- doesn't sound terrible.

The bloke is on holiday, has a lung condition, and is knackered. Give the guy a bit of a break! Maybe he's unwell? Just enjoy the time together instead of obsessing on when he's next going shag you!

In your late 40s and a man who works hard and has ill health then I'd say cut the poor guy some slack.

If you really like him then you will have to accept you have slightly different sex drives.

If you can't live with that then move on. But I'd advise you to get a younger or fitter man going forward.

My 'objective' opinion is that it sounds a perfectly pleasant way to spend a holiday if you both have busy, stressful jobs ... lazing around and relaxing sounds fine and sex twice would be more than enough for me. A sex free holiday would be my idea of perfect .

But that's my view .. clearly you want more - fun, sex, activity etc so maybe you just aren't compatible?

Is it a lack of intimacy - cuddling, holding hands, connecting, sex OR a lack of sex?

Are you happy long term to accept the poor sleep and ill health?

Sounds like because you normally only have a day or two together he cab push himself to be more "active" but for a week its just too much.

You say he has no interest in sex and "accepted" oral twice - so was it instigated by you and he just went along with it for you?

You don’t need a reason to break up with someone, it doesn’t matter whether other people consider it a valid reason or not. If the relationship isn’t satisfying you then it’s your call whether to pursue it.

I didn’t see your previous thread I’m afraid so I may be unaware of some of the context but the other thing I’d say is to think very carefully about being involved with someone with chronic health problems if you’re not sure you want to be with them longterm. It is a big commitment if you end up taking on caring obligations.

It's not a lack of intimacy . We hug, hold hands etc .
I instigated oral as I like very much to give . No reciprocation though .

It almost comes across as if you thought you were going on a sex fest rather than a holiday with your partner. Were you expecting chandelier swinging every night? Is it his sleeping patterns or the “lack” (I don’t think there has been a lack tbh) of sex that is the issue for you?

To be fair he has been under massive pressure at work and crawled to the finish line.

It sounds fine to me! It's a holiday, sex isn't the be all and end all.

This is the second thread on the one holiday? I don’t know why you put so much faith in the opinion of strangers on the internet to interpret a holiday that only you have experienced.

Blimey-another thread from the mismatched sex couple about the same holiday!

I hope he never reads this!

Yeah If this is the second thread about this- he’s not for you OP. Do him a favour and cut him loose.

[quote wordrobber]@LunaNorth . Thanks. Do you think it's problematic enough to call it quits. Apart from these two issues this week, I'm very happy and so is he. [/quote]
If you’re unhappy, then it’s enough to call it quits. There’s no list of criteria that we have to adhere to when finishing a relationship. You’re not getting your needs met, and by the sound of things, that’s not likely to change with this guy.

Not his fault, and not yours. Just a mismatch.

I think the trouble is OP everyone can give you their opinions on what they would consider sensible or might do but they're not you! A year together isn't especially long especially given the Covid restrictions. He can be a perfectly pleasant chap but if he's not doing it for you then he's not doing it for you. Two threads suggest some fairly significant questioning on your part. He's overweight with a lung condition and (reading between the lines so apologies here!) isn't bothered about that or making steps to address it. Falling asleep after a stressful period of work fine for the first day or even two but every day? I get that you like to instigate oral but he's not reciprocated- the fact that you mentioned it suggests that there's some thoughts and feelings around that - do you want to spend the next X number of years giving oral but not getting? Or having sex twice a week (at best!)? Because if not, he's not the one for you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

OP, what is his lung condition and the long term prognosis? Is he under the care of a respiratory physician? What steps is he taking to lose the two stones of excess weight that are exacerbating his lung problem? Does he attend his GP, address his health issues?
If not, are you happy to end up as the carer for a chronic invalid? With the prospect of sex becoming even less feasible?

As a point said, you don't need permission to end it. If it's not working for you because of valid reasons to you, then walk away.
My DP of 2 years is 52 and has sleep apnea and is a little overweight. Sometimes we have sex a lot, couple if times day, sometimes it's a couple of times a week. It's really dependent on how we are feeling. Either of us might be too knackered.
I think you have associated lots of sex with interest in you, yet it sounds like you needn't as there is lots of affection.
Maybe chill out a bit. Or. End it

It sounds as though he needs to see a doctor. How does he hold down a busy full time job and parent his children if he's falling asleep several times a day and is always shattered?

Is this because he is burnt out from work or related to his lung condition? Obviously if his blood oxygen levels are dropping, this would cause extreme fatigue and is cause for concern.

Putting aside the sex for a minute, you need to be prepared to step into a carer role as he ages if you're looking at a long term commitment to him. Does he have copd? It will get progressively worse, exacerbated by obesity.

I think that you can’t feel guilty for not wanting the package you get with the man, OP. In your shoes, I’d be parting ways, unapologetically and without guilt. You don’t have to want this type of relationship where you’re accommodating things that don’t sit right with you. You’re allowed to not want the drudgery and inevitable dead bedroom that comes with chronic illness. And I say this as a person with chronic illness. It shapes the relationship in ways I wish it didn’t.
It’s not even about the sex, imo.
And even if you DID want chandelier swinging, that doesn’t make you an uncaring person (though the MN vipers will guilt trip you. It wouldn’t be MN to be made to feel reasonable or right). It’s ok to want great sex with a person who’s up for it! Again, I’m a person who is not up for it at all and I wouldn’t dream of expecting someone to sacrifice their happiness to stick with me.

And just to add, chronic illness at the starting block of a new relationship deserves lots of questions and analysing. OP, don’t for a moment feel badly about admitting that this might be too big a beast to tackle.

Thanks for all your opinions . I'm very much in llove with him and don't want us to part but I would think that continuing to live apart but be together , in the future would be best for us and it suits us at the moment , with kids/ work etc .