My Domestic Abuse update

[DocBob]

I don’t know if anyone remembers but I thought I would put a little update.

Background: my partner and I have a now 3 year old. I have suffered with years of abuse, some physical, mostly emotional and have been told in the past that if I report it she will just say I hit her.
I was basically in a situation where if I left the house, if I was a few minutes late from work or didn’t answer the phone I would be constantly accused of cheating (never did) and she was aggressive with me and baby (social services where not interested)

Anyway.
I diagnosed (I’m a medic) her with having BPD / EUPD. I got her into to therapy and she started on meds which has made a night and day difference.

She is much much better with the baby now. The abuse towards me as in large part stopped.
She feels much calmer in herself and generally is in a better place. She is actually happy for the first time in her life.

I have reduced my work three days a week (ages ago) I so that she does not have to look after the baby for more than 2 to 3 days at maximum on her own As this is really in the babies best interest and safety. More than that and she gets frustrated and aggressive with the baby.

I did do something I was not proud of which I have not done before. I had come home from work a couple of months ago and she started saying she does not care if I sleep with someone else but she was piss drunk and the baby was asleep, she passed out due to the alcohol and so I used her finger to open her phone and found she had been on tinder and had unprotected sex with one of the guys.

Which to be honest has not upset me as much as you would expect as it’s far less trauma then the other stuff she has done to me.

I confronted her a few weeks later, she denied it for a long time but then finally came clean.

I still get the odd accusations if something clicks in her mind but overall I have for the first time in 4 years had some degree of pice in my house.

Our baby is growing up to a wonderful little girl. She spends several days a week with me at my parents house who I go to visit on my days off as they spoil us both.

I asked her to start making a Financial contribution towards the house by way of putting money in a bank account for the baby for her future education as I pay for everything and in generally struggle due to this. She is a nurse and gets to keep most of what she earns.

She was not happy about this but did agree. She has not actually put any money into an account but hopefully will soon.

Long and short of it is things are much better. Still not ideal but better.

I remember you. Glad to hear things are better but you need to leave her.

Glad things have improved but please be realistic that she isn't going to really change. Really separating would still be in your and DDs best interests.

Your partner may be happier working full time than coping with looking after DD.

Long term I know I need to get out. I just don’t have any he energy for a battler over the baby.

She does work full time and always has. Basically she is free to work any days she wants I won’t fix Friday Saturday Sunday and she if works on those days my parents take care of the baby.

And if shes having unprotected sex with guys on Tinder you know it's only a matter of time before shes suddenly pregnant with "your" second child, and before you know it now its even harder to do, because there are two kids to worry about

Are you a doctor?

OP how come social services aren't interested? Did they give any reason? You can't leave a child with a mother who gets passed out drunk.

Do you not see how dysfunctional your relationship is? Using her finger to open her phone. Finding out she's having unprotected sex with men she's meeting on Tinder. Where is her child while she's out meeting men or is she bringing them to the house?

Have you had any support regarding the years of abuse? There are men's helplines and there is a Freedom Programme for men: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/men.php

You can't leave a woman unsupervised with a baby if she is liable to get frustrated and aggressive. Don't let her have that child unsupervised. This is child neglect OP and you are colluding in it.

I remember you. You've had such a tough time of it and I'm so sad to hear that you and your baby are living with this person still.

Tough love time though.

More than that and she gets frustrated and aggressive with the baby.

It takes one moment of that going 'too far' to cause serious harm or both. As a doctor your safeguarding training must be screaming out?

I had come home from work a couple of months ago and she started saying she does not care if I sleep with someone else but she was piss drunk and the baby was asleep, she passed out due to the alcohol

Your baby is not safe. How can you leave your baby in his / her mother's care knowing this?!

It's awful she's cheated, it's awful she's abusive to you, she is an awful person who is clearly not going to ever be healthy for you.

But you have a choice.

You are choosing to keep your baby in an unsafe environment. You are not adequately protecting your child. Please, please stop fear of a 'battle for the baby' stop you getting out.

She is aggressive towards the baby and has endangered the baby - passing out drunk while in sole charge.

You should WANT a battle only in the sense of wanting to battle to keep your baby safe. Yes, it will be hard, possibly expensive, definitely emotionally exhausting.

But your child isn't safe. How can you allow that? Please rethink this plan of a 'long game'. It's not fair on your child.

Are you still sleeping with her? Hopefully you're using watertight contraception if so. But I couldn't shag someone who risked my baby's safety and was aggressive towards it.

Kalvinette
Has a coil so hope not. But she is asking for another baby which I am refusing. You see the thing with BPD is there is “splinting” of her personality so she will hate me one min and think I’m cheating and love me to bits the next.

For me my mood is very stable and flat in general (not unhappy mood Just not up and down)

Michaelknightsleatherjacket
Yes

username18702
SS came to visit a long time ago after I called them. They sent a kid who really had no idea and just suggested therapy.

Yes I know she took the baby to one of the dates but as it happens he is a Dr and a decent guy thankfully.

Thanks for the link. I will take a look.

youvegottenminuteslynn
The reality is, if I make any sort of move she will just say I hit her or that I abuse the baby and then the baby will be left in her care until I can prove otherwise.

In general As I only work 3 days a week I manage to limited the time she is having to take care of the baby on her own to 2 to max 3 days which keeps her calm and generally she is fine with the baby.
I say baby but she is 3 lol.

She is due the next set of vaccines, maybe I can speak to the GP when I take her.

In some ways it’s forced me to be the main parent and not be out working all the time so I have got to experience what most other mothers do and watch the magic of their small human grow up.

OP you can't allow her unsupervised access when she is getting blackout drunk, is aggressive, has a history of DV and is taking her child to Tinder dates!

What is wrong with you?

You can't diagnose a woman with a personality disorder unless you are a psychiatrist. Did you prescribe the drugs as well?

Please get some professional help as your child is in danger. What if she starts a fire, she is three. She can get out of bed and get out of the house and your wife will be in a drunken blackout. It's not safe for her. What if she loses her temper and hits her and seriously hurts her?

But it's not good enough to hope not. If she is sleeping with other men and is pressing you for another baby then this is going to happen. You get that, right? No maybe about it. Her saying she has the coil means nothing, you already know she is a liar. You are watching a car crash happen in slow motion and you're not moving to stop it. You'll be back here in a year saying "things are worse now, we now have a newborn".

Are you still having sex?

Can I suggest you absolutely stop so any child conceived is not yours.

Her life seems like it will continue to be a car crash and you need to get out of the car and take DD with you.

username18702, I have enough training and exposure to PD to know what was up and I encouraged her to go to the GP which she finally did to her credit she engaged really well with the services.

It’s not that she overtly beats up the baby. More just she is frustrated and is rougher than she should be.

But I get what people are saying, this is a car crash and some how I seem to keep trying to fix it but you can’t quite understand how much things have improved compared to before.

She still drinks a lot which needs to be addressed.

Some how I don’t know how but I forget about all the stuff that has happened and convince my self things change but at the end of the day there is a life long personality disorder which is the root cause of the issues.

Yes we sleep together but less than before

So take the baby and move out. Let her take you to court, I'm betting she won't. And if she does you have all these posts that log your history- weren't you advised to keep a journal on your last thread? Have you done that?

This has disaster written all over it. She took the baby with her to meet another guy but it's ok because he's a doctor too and a nice guy??

Black out drunk in charge of the baby?

Aggressive and short tempered with the baby?

None of your post sounds like any sort of improvement for that poor baby

OP if you are a Dr, you have enough money to afford to go to court for full custody and pay for childcare. Your wife can still have contact but it will be supervised - this is to protect your child.

You have to focus on the wellbeing and protection of your daughter, nothing else is important. If your wife decides to engage with alcohol services, gets the drinking under control, works on anger management etc then perhaps you can allow unsupervised contact but for the time being this is child neglect. Your child is not safe.

You will never forgive yourself if she is injured or killed because your wife was drunk or met a predator online and brings him home or she runs in front of traffic. Social Services will hopefully support you, please get some help.

I'm so shocked and appalled and hope you know that if anything happens to your baby that you'll also be prosecuted as you've failed to protect.

I feel quite angry that you're leaving your baby with someone who blacks out pissed and is "rougher than she should be".

I hope someone reports your household and your baby is taken somewhere safe away from this nightmare, otherwise they will end up with psychological problems of their own.

Poor baby.

@SixesAndEights

I feel quite angry that you're leaving your baby with someone who blacks out pissed and is "rougher than she should be".

I hope someone reports your household and your baby is taken somewhere safe away from this nightmare, otherwise they will end up with psychological problems of their own.

Poor baby.

This! This baby is being abused. And you're facilitating that op.

I don't think people truly understand how hard it would be for the OP to prove anything. He's right. Social serviced would assume she was telling truth and the baby would be left with her alone while they sort it out. This is a really tricky one.

Oh god, this is an awful way to live - I am so worried for that poor child.

@Yahtze

I don't think people truly understand how hard it would be for the OP to prove anything. He's right. Social serviced would assume she was telling truth and the baby would be left with her alone while they sort it out. This is a really tricky one.

This.

He won’t get full custody. It’s shit, but that’s the truth. So the baby will be left unsupervised with the mother for longer periods. At least this way he can be there to make sure the baby is safe.
Must be goddamn hard to have to live with this woman, but I understand why you are doing it.

In the background I would be gathering the evidence you need to go for full custody one day.

I remember you. Mainly because it was such a depressing story and I wondered what happened. Thanks for coming back.

I get that you're a medic and you believe in fixing people. Have there been other people in your life that you would have liked to 'fix', or watched people stand by them in dysfunctional situations?

I'm glad things are slightly less damaging for you now. But you need to know that by staying and trying to fix your partner, you are both participating in damaging your child.

You're tired, I understand. But you must prioritise your child over your partner, sooner rather than later.

He won’t get full custody. It’s shit, but that’s the truth. So the baby will be left unsupervised with the mother for longer periods.

Oh I didn't realise that. How awful.

People who reckon the mother wouldn't get unsupervised access are wrong. He's doing the right thing staying. When the baby is older it will be different. Leaving a baby with someone who is an alcoholic and has BPD is a terrible idea.

But you need to take control of the birth control 100%. Or be signing up for a vasectomy and using conforms if were you! There will be no excuse if this unfit mother gets pregnant again.