My Domestic Abuse update

[DocBob]

I don’t know if anyone remembers but I thought I would put a little update.

Background: my partner and I have a now 3 year old. I have suffered with years of abuse, some physical, mostly emotional and have been told in the past that if I report it she will just say I hit her.
I was basically in a situation where if I left the house, if I was a few minutes late from work or didn’t answer the phone I would be constantly accused of cheating (never did) and she was aggressive with me and baby (social services where not interested)

Anyway.
I diagnosed (I’m a medic) her with having BPD / EUPD. I got her into to therapy and she started on meds which has made a night and day difference.

She is much much better with the baby now. The abuse towards me as in large part stopped.
She feels much calmer in herself and generally is in a better place. She is actually happy for the first time in her life.

I have reduced my work three days a week (ages ago) I so that she does not have to look after the baby for more than 2 to 3 days at maximum on her own As this is really in the babies best interest and safety. More than that and she gets frustrated and aggressive with the baby.

I did do something I was not proud of which I have not done before. I had come home from work a couple of months ago and she started saying she does not care if I sleep with someone else but she was piss drunk and the baby was asleep, she passed out due to the alcohol and so I used her finger to open her phone and found she had been on tinder and had unprotected sex with one of the guys.

Which to be honest has not upset me as much as you would expect as it’s far less trauma then the other stuff she has done to me.

I confronted her a few weeks later, she denied it for a long time but then finally came clean.

I still get the odd accusations if something clicks in her mind but overall I have for the first time in 4 years had some degree of pice in my house.

Our baby is growing up to a wonderful little girl. She spends several days a week with me at my parents house who I go to visit on my days off as they spoil us both.

I asked her to start making a Financial contribution towards the house by way of putting money in a bank account for the baby for her future education as I pay for everything and in generally struggle due to this. She is a nurse and gets to keep most of what she earns.

She was not happy about this but did agree. She has not actually put any money into an account but hopefully will soon.

Long and short of it is things are much better. Still not ideal but better.

@Yahtze

People who reckon the mother wouldn't get unsupervised access are wrong. He's doing the right thing staying. When the baby is older it will be different. Leaving a baby with someone who is an alcoholic and has BPD is a terrible idea.

But you need to take control of the birth control 100%. Or be signing up for a vasectomy and using conforms if were you! There will be no excuse if this unfit mother gets pregnant again.

But he does leave the baby with her already. This whole story just horrifies me.

Sorry but I don't for a second believe you're a GP (if that is what you're claiming).

LTB you’ve been conditioned to accept this behaviour as good because it’s not as bad as previous behaviour. You need to put all your energy into getting out. Get proof of her intention to make false allegations. Get proof of her abusive behaviour. Then get out!

I’m surprised that a doctor would/ should/ could diagnose his wife with a serious mental health condition that she would subsequently receive medication for. It’s seems a little off.

Pick the baby up and take them to your parents. Now.

Can you record her saying if you leave she will accuse you of abuse? Something to back up the fact it's her that is abusive and not you?

I believe the OP has been advised to get evidence of the abuse but apparently he hasn't. Instead he's chosen to diagnose his wife, even though he's not qualified to do so nor trained and she is on some kind of medication. She's taking this medication while she is drinking enough alcohol to black out.

She has a history of domestic abuse and can't be around her child for too long as she becomes aggressive. She's also taking her three year old to meet strange men from the internet and having unprotected sex with them - no idea where her child is when she is having sex with strangers.

The OP leaves her in charge of his daughter knowing the risks. I hope that little girl is removed.

@username18702

I believe the OP has been advised to get evidence of the abuse but apparently he hasn't. Instead he's chosen to diagnose his wife, even though he's not qualified to do so nor trained and she is on some kind of medication. She's taking this medication while she is drinking enough alcohol to black out.

She has a history of domestic abuse and can't be around her child for too long as she becomes aggressive. She's also taking her three year old to meet strange men from the internet and having unprotected sex with them - no idea where her child is when she is having sex with strangers.

The OP leaves her in charge of his daughter knowing the risks. I hope that little girl is removed.

Please read this and then read it again OP.

She took YOUR CHILD on a date with a stranger behind your back.

She is 'rougher than she needs to be' with your little girl.

She got blackout drunk when in sole charge of her.

You are still sleeping with her. How can you want to shag someone who puts your child in danger?! How can you get aroused enough by someone endangering your child to shag them, even without the fact she's cheated?!

I know exactly where you are at. Your partner (and her mental health, behaviour) sounds quite similar to my ex. She too has BPD, and is an alcoholic. She would neglect our kids in the same way. Social services were referred several times because of it. I begged them for help on a few occasions whilst they were investigating. But every time social services closed the case down saying the kids aren't at risk because dad steps in and takes over when mum gets drunk.

Having a partner like this is a bit like being a single parent whilst at the same time trying to look after their mother who carries on like a delinquent 15 year old.

She'd go out, get wasted, stay out all night, and sleep with anyone and everyone. She was a compulsive (and very good) liar, but I caught her out several times. Each time she turned it around and tried to blame it on me! Either I wasn't giving her enough attention (couldn't have given her more), or because I'd had the audacity to check up on her.

I put up with it for years because a) I was aware that I wouldn't get custody of the kids if we split, and b) that would mean I wouldn't be there to pluck them from her neglect. In the end it nearly broke me mentally (and I'm pretty tough mentally), and I did end the relationship. She took the kids, and there was nothing I could do about that. I had to stand by from a distance and observe her continue to neglect them.

She carried on drinking, having episodes (self harming, overdoses, hospitalisations etc), and social services still kept getting referred. And each time they'd still say the same - kids aren't at risk because dad steps in when mum goes off the rails! Luckily I'm self employed and I could, but it became very hard - temporarily having to be a single parent, until she was well enough to resume child care. I 'd have to get the kids to school (30 mile round trip twice a day) whilst trying to run a home and business (I lost lots of trade/income because of it). All while my ex continued to receive child benefit, and child maintenance from me. Social services attitude was always that they would try to help and support her, and that it was best for the children that she remained the resident parent. Again, that they were safe becuase dad takes over when necessary. I took legal advice about challenging for custody, and was told to forget it and save my money - I'd have no chance because social services weren't supportive of that action.

Ultimately I was forced into a corner where I had to 'play chicken' with the system - I had to tell social services that next time I wouldn't step in and take the kids (on a temporary basis), it was causing both them and me too much disruption. Obviously I would/did, but saying that line to them was the only way to change the status quo. There were some raised eyebrows, but it worked.

In the end there was one final incident, and this time social services did a total u turn and said that the kids had to come and live with me permanently. I had to go through the court process and get legal custody.

As you can see, and as others have said, the system is totally loaded in the mother's favour (no matter how bad a mother she is). Fathers in this situation are stuck between a rock and hard place (stay or leave the kids with their mother).

I wish you luck OP. You're going to need it. Things won't get better, only worse.

she is working as a nurse ? full time ?
is she drunk on duty.
you need to report her to her professional body.
and take the child to your parents. let them care for the child when you are at work.
she can try to gain custody through the courts.
you need to get your priorities in order.
do you assume because she has not actually hit or dropped the child that will be ok. it is not.
protect your child.

This is the point. I have spoken to a solicitor in the past and I know very well I will not get the baby if we separate.

I’m not a GP. I did not mediate my partner. I simply encouraged her to see her GP and it went form there. I did not say to her hay you have BPD take this. I just helped her understand something is wrong and helped her find help.

I could have left years ago when she was a complete mess, could not cope with the baby, could not cope with work /uni, had no relationship with her family and she would have been a life long bad mum.

Instead I stuck around, my any my family did everything to keep baby well looked after, I reduced my working hours. I supported and paid for her to finish uni.

She is now in a place where she can cope with work and is not riddled with anger and anxiety related to work. She has a degree. She has started to rebuild a relationship with her family, she loves the baby and is slowly getting better and better with the baby.

Yes it’s cost me emotionally and has taken its toll on me but at the end of the day this person is going to be the mother of my child and if I can help improve her as a person it will only benefit my child.

She only drinks in the evening, not everyday but quite often.

You should have called social services. when you found her blackout drunk with the baby.

The point is she shouldn't be drinking at all mixing with her medications! She got wasted with your little girl in the house!

My god there are a lot of very, very naive posters on here. It must be really nice to have that much faith in the system that the OP would be given custody, but it just won't happen. All the outrage in the world won't change that. The UK social services just aren't what you want them to be.

If people are that het up about it, go and train as a social worker and find out what the situation really is like and then come back and give some realistic advice.

DocBob you're in a terrible situation but fwiw I think you're doing the right thing in trying to migitate the damage. Have you got anyone to lean on? You too need support, more than most parents as you're not only being the only responsible parent but trying to handle your wife's distress/acting out as well.

I'm sorry to say that a child growing up with such a profoundly unstable mum -is- going to be damaged, but because you're so big a part of your daughter's life she will have the knowledge that someone loves her unconditionally and steadily.

One piece of advice: in an age appropriate way, when she grows up a bit more talk to her about her mum, that she loves her but that she's ill and can't be quite like other mums. That it's not her fault in any way, and to value her mum for the good stuff but acknowledge that sometimes things are very difficult.

Also frankly, keep a diary of undesirable incidents. BPD tends to lessen as people get older but it doesn't always happen, and it can get worse in some cases. If things ever really fall apart, a meticulous logbook of incidents might just be helpful. Just for god's sake don't let her find it.

It's almost disturbing how matter of fact you are about her taking your baby on tinder dates. Even more disturbing that you both seem quite intelligent people. Social services need to know what is really going on. Neither of you sound as protective as you should be of the child. The second I found her blind drunk in charge of a baby and discovered she had taken my kid on a tinder date I would have been out the door with the baby and called the police. Seriously OP you need to find some passion and anger and stop being complicit in thus car crash.

This is unsustainable and I guess you know that. You are in an unenviable position and you have my sympathy. You need to address her drinking. I say this as an alcoholic in recovery. If she fails to cut down or get sober I think you should film her when she is drunk at least you will have evidence.

The second I found her blind drunk in charge of a baby and discovered she had taken my kid on a tinder date I would have been out the door with the baby and called the police.

Yes, and then the toddler would have been given back to her mum, who would then have utterly rejected you and then you would have almost no chance of having much influence.

Good way of making a terrible situation worse.

@Ijsbear

The second I found her blind drunk in charge of a baby and discovered she had taken my kid on a tinder date I would have been out the door with the baby and called the police.

Yes, and then the toddler would have been given back to her mum, who would then have utterly rejected you and then you would have almost no chance of having much influence.

Good way of making a terrible situation worse.

Yes, very true. It's a sad indictment of the way social services works unfortuntely. They won't take a child away from a mother unless they have genuine, evidenced reason to believe the child is at risk. Not for low level neglect, not for drinking 'on the job', the child has to be at serious risk of harm before they'll step in. The bar is slightly lower for a custody battle, Cafcass look more into what is best for the child, rather than is the child in danger. But even so, it has to be pretty bad with the mother before they decide that the father will be a better choice of parent. A lot of separated dad's find just how rigged the system is, and give up or lose badly because of a vindictive ex being putting their nastiness above the welfare of their children.

And it's a myth that alcoholics are only people who have a drink at breakfast. Just because she drinks in the evening does not mean she has a healthy relationship with alcohol. As much as my ex tried to blame all her issues on BPD, whenever bad stuff happened to her she was blind drunk.

Not for low level neglect, not for drinking 'on the job', the child has to be at serious risk of harm before they'll step in.

Not even then :/ Can show you a family where the mum had BPD, the kids were screamed out for hours, kicked when curled up on the floor, strangled, there were notches in the backs of the kitchen chairs from where she brought knives down on them .. the mental violence was worse than physical.

SS did nothing, came, talked to the mum, got manipulated, left and signed the case off. If the dad had left, no way would he ever have gained access to the children again and they would have been left entirely unprotected.

Another mum with BPD, similar story.

All this outrage by some posters, which tips over into the vindictive, really doesn't help the OP who is in a terrible situation that must be costing him years off his life with the stress. It's very destructive for the child living with that much chaos too. At least there is ~some~ improvement in his situation ... the woman herself will be living with extreme distress but if she can engage in therapy then maybe slowly things will improve. If she can get off the booze. If.

Some people can be good parents and have BPD and other mental health issues. But it doesn't sound like it in this case.
With due respect this is not a safe situation for your child. But your in the perfect position to gain the evidence you need to secure the child's future. You have to have evidence of neglect etc. Her simply having BPD won't cut it in court. You need to become a detective and gain as much evidence as possible. Then with the evidence seek to protect your child through the courts. Eg, keep a diary of events. Try to record phone calls when she's home alone with the baby and drunk. Get proper evidence of her emotional instability, eg try to communicate through text. Also in listing family and friends can help. If they witness something that is a major consern they can be used as a witness in court. You need to seek legal advise and discuss this with them.
You need to get wise and open your eyes to what's going on here.

Some people can be good parents and have BPD and other mental health issues. But it doesn't sound like it in this case.

Agreed.

You need to become a detective and gain as much evidence as possible. Then with the evidence seek to protect your child through the courts. Eg, keep a diary of events

It won't matter. The OP is on his own; all he can do is be there for his daughter as much as he can.

People have this incredible touching faith that "something can be done". The reality is that it's just not like that.

No your wrong. I have been in a situation where I had to protect my children from their father. It took a long time but it totally can be done. But you have to have the evidence. You also can not rely on social services as they don't get it right all the time.
You have to be able to prove what your saying, prove there are significant safeguarding conserns. Saying someone drinks too much, has BPD and are rough with the baby won't be enough. It's just your word against hers.
Social services arnt your own avenue, private family law can also protect your child. How ever the key is evidence.
This is how I've been able to protect my children, I now finally have a court order stating no direct contact allowed.
How ever at this stage its damage limitation as in an ideal situation the children would still see their father. Its important for their identity, they miss him and it hurts them. They are too young to realise they danger they have been in. Hopefully your partner would be more inclined to work with professionals and seek the help needed. Contact centres are a safe place for children to see a patent that there's significant consern about.

It's quite unlikely OP would get sole custody @Justmeandme19 . What sort of evidence and how does he get it?

Him writing stuff here or in a journal isn't evidence, his partner could just say he's making it up. She took the child on a date- weird but I don't think it'd necessarily be something SS would do anything about.

I don't want to encourage you to stay in this situation if there's any way you and your child could permanently leave @DocBob , without the child having to end up supervised by its mum. I suppose keep on getting any tangible evidence you can. When she's rough with the child you could maybe take the LO to A&E or the doctor? What sort of roughness is it?

EMDR therapy really helped me for Borderline traits by the way- it could be another thing your wife could try on top of what she's doing, or after she's finished with any current course of therapy. I had some DBT but it didn't do much for me personally. Borderline is the result of trauma and EMDR can help in healing the trauma and reducing its impact.

Yes, Borderline is a personality disorder but it is a relatively treatable one; people can be taken out of meeting the criteria for it by therapy etc.

I'm not saying all that to encourage you to stay; just saying that if you feel you have to stay, those are some things to bear in mind.