Partner cheated with escorts

[spoonfullofsugar88]

Morning everyone

Not sure if I've posted in the right place but I'm currently 4 weeks pregnant after losing a baby back in early May at 13 weeks. I was devastated and after my loss I sunk into bad depression, something I've suffered with my whole life on and off since teenage years.

We knew the baby had died at 11 weeks and I had to wait 2 weeks to have a termination as it didn't pass naturally. In this time I was drinking quite a lot and was in a bad place.

One night during this time my fiancé was sleeping and I went down his phone. I'd never done this in the 2 years we have been together but I had a gut feeling. He had become very distant during my pregnancy and began taking his phone everywhere. I never imagined what I was going to see. I felt he had been being 'off' but we spend all of our time together pretty much unless he's working.

His phone was full of calls and messages to escorts, he would meet them in hotels during his lunch period. He has a child from a previous relationship and was telling the child's mother how much he loves her and misses her (the ex not the child), he had even met a pre-op transvestite male in a hotel one afternoon when he said he had been at work. His ex had also had a termination around a week after we had found out I was pregnant and it was his. He paid for her to have one. My whole world shattered. I'd just lost our baby and now this.

I confronted him but he convinces me I'm the crazy one and denies everything. You can't hold a conversation with him as he gets angry and twists things. He eventually cried and apologised and said how stupid he had been and how he can't live without me.

I know I should have run a mile then but I was in such a low place I didn't want to be alone. I was desperately sad about the baby and just wanted to try again for another one so I stupidly forgave him and began TTC straight away. I got a BFP almost immediately and am now 4 weeks along. Im so anxious this time in my pregnancy after what happened before and I feel more alone than ever. I don't want to tell anyone until at least 12 weeks this time and every day feels like a year.

He's such a loving partner and I still can't believe what he did to me, it doesn't make sense in my head as although I've seen it with my own eyes he is such a good liar and almost convinces me it isn't true. Since being together we have sex every day and do absolutely everything together, I just can't understand why I'm not enough for him. Sometimes when he's been drunk and we have sex he has scared me a few times as he gets really dominant and changes his whole persona. I don't say anything as would rather he is like it with me than to go somewhere else.

Not sure if anyone would have had similar experiences but advice would be welcomed. Pretty sure I know what the advice will be, I know what I'd be saying to do if it were one of my Friends but being in the situation yourself is incredibly hard.

TIA

Get out now. It will only get harder as the pregnancy progresses and feel harder still when the baby is born.

You want to proceed with the pregnancy - ensure you do so in full knowledge that you will be tied to this piece of shit for at least 18 yrs. Unless - and this is the best outcome - he decides he wants nothing to do with his child.

Pack a bag and go.

You need to stop all forms of intimacy with him - it's incredibly likely that he's still carrying on with escorts (male and female) and you need to remember that some STI's can cause miscarriage or foetal abnormalities - and it's clear you want this baby very much - so put the welfare and health of your baby above all else.

By all means, formulate a plan to leave the relationship, but try to do it sooner rather than later because post partum with the exhaustion and the upheaval of a newborn you won't have the energy to implement it.

Do not have sex with him ever again. Let's face it, there is something emotionally wrong with you that you'd have sex with him, especially unprotected, after all the revelations, so counselling is what you also need.
If you are having trouble saying no to him, because you are that desperate to be loved by a man, consider how much you will love your child. Protect your unborn child, because he is adding risk to you losing another one, or causing harm to your baby and yourself by exposure to STI's.
Also, you're a solicitor, so enough of this saving up crap, you are already financially independent, that's just excuses not to go now.

I can see you’re in a really tough spot and perfectly understand why you won’t terminate. Can you map out some paths for the future to take? Let’s say baby doesn’t work out- I’m sorry to say this and I know that would be awful for you, but it might happen. I think you should leave him then, so could you think about that? If all goes well and you have a beautiful baby in 8 months by all means stay a few years until it’s easier, but you should revisit that decision often. And in the meantime, I don’t like the sound of he spends every minute with you and you don’t see friends. One small step you csn take is taking half a day each weekend to yourself. Please reach out to friends and try and reconnect- if it feels really awkward to do for you, think of it as your investment in modelling the healthy mature relationship behaviours you want your child to grow up seeing.

Zombie thread - brought to life by spam from Dubai??

I absolutely despair at the trash some women knowingly pick to father their children. You’re a smart woman OP, and you’ve set this child up to have a shit dad, the poor mite. Having said that though, I do understand that you were in a really low place and it wouldn’t have been a time when you were making your best choices. It’s done now though and so it’s time to start being a responsible mother and part of that is not raising your child in an abusive household with this trash bag of a human. Yes it’s scary and all that, but it’s not just about you anymore.

I only hope this man can be a better father than he is a partner.

Ugh, sorry, just saw it’s a zombie thread 🙄