Partner cheated with escorts

[spoonfullofsugar88]

Morning everyone

Not sure if I've posted in the right place but I'm currently 4 weeks pregnant after losing a baby back in early May at 13 weeks. I was devastated and after my loss I sunk into bad depression, something I've suffered with my whole life on and off since teenage years.

We knew the baby had died at 11 weeks and I had to wait 2 weeks to have a termination as it didn't pass naturally. In this time I was drinking quite a lot and was in a bad place.

One night during this time my fiancé was sleeping and I went down his phone. I'd never done this in the 2 years we have been together but I had a gut feeling. He had become very distant during my pregnancy and began taking his phone everywhere. I never imagined what I was going to see. I felt he had been being 'off' but we spend all of our time together pretty much unless he's working.

His phone was full of calls and messages to escorts, he would meet them in hotels during his lunch period. He has a child from a previous relationship and was telling the child's mother how much he loves her and misses her (the ex not the child), he had even met a pre-op transvestite male in a hotel one afternoon when he said he had been at work. His ex had also had a termination around a week after we had found out I was pregnant and it was his. He paid for her to have one. My whole world shattered. I'd just lost our baby and now this.

I confronted him but he convinces me I'm the crazy one and denies everything. You can't hold a conversation with him as he gets angry and twists things. He eventually cried and apologised and said how stupid he had been and how he can't live without me.

I know I should have run a mile then but I was in such a low place I didn't want to be alone. I was desperately sad about the baby and just wanted to try again for another one so I stupidly forgave him and began TTC straight away. I got a BFP almost immediately and am now 4 weeks along. Im so anxious this time in my pregnancy after what happened before and I feel more alone than ever. I don't want to tell anyone until at least 12 weeks this time and every day feels like a year.

He's such a loving partner and I still can't believe what he did to me, it doesn't make sense in my head as although I've seen it with my own eyes he is such a good liar and almost convinces me it isn't true. Since being together we have sex every day and do absolutely everything together, I just can't understand why I'm not enough for him. Sometimes when he's been drunk and we have sex he has scared me a few times as he gets really dominant and changes his whole persona. I don't say anything as would rather he is like it with me than to go somewhere else.

Not sure if anyone would have had similar experiences but advice would be welcomed. Pretty sure I know what the advice will be, I know what I'd be saying to do if it were one of my Friends but being in the situation yourself is incredibly hard.

TIA

When someone loses a child they are sometimes not in their right mind and I would maybe forgive cheating during this time when in a normal situation I definitely wouldn’t.
But this wasn’t a drunken one off mistake because he was so distraught this was an on-going, pre-meditated action that he knew exactly what he was doing and exactly how you would feel if you found out.
For him to keep the messages just proves he literally couldn’t give a shit about you!

How would you feel if the ex hadn’t got a termination and he was having to see his new baby on the weekends?
Because this is going to happen sooner or later and considering he doesn’t care about your feelings I can see him getting back with the ex so you’d have to watch them play happy families.

You absolutely know what needs to happen here.
Start with small steps if need be, reach out to family, try to reconnect with friends and most importantly speak to womens aid. Accept all the support you can.
Get your finances in order, check what benefits you will be entitled to.
Every little step will give you confidence.
Please do it before baby is born... It will much harder then.
Good luck and congratulations

My ex-husband also met multiple escorts. For me there was no coming back from it. He also lied/denied it despite me having proof AND the fact that he gave me an STD. When I went to the STD clinic the doctor told me she couldn't categorically state I had caught the STD recently but all the signs were that I had. Therefore, he had given it to me. (Luckily it was a treatable one.) The lying/minimising etc is all just part of the disrespect. Not all men will do this.

Thank you for all of your support and replies, it means a lot. Of course I know I need to get out of this, but as I've said I'm not in the best place right now and as shit as it may be, I'd rather be with him than alone. I'm saving and hopefully will be able to get Away soon. I don't think this is my happy ever after at all, I had before I found that all out, but the level of disrespect is something else. There's no going back from what he's done, I know that.

Termination isn't an option, not if the baby is healthy and growing. I had to have one recently and it was awful, I'd never do that again whatever the circumstances. It completely broke me and I'm still grieving now at every little milestone which would have been. I wouldn't be able to live with myself to do it again, unless there were medical reasons.

Once I'm feeling a little stronger I'll speak with my family, at the moment I can't talk to anybody about what's going on as I just break down and I don't want people worrying about me. I don't want anybody knowing I'm pregnant as it's such early days.

Please don't think for one moment I think this is normal and am trying to normalise it in my head, it's awful and only getting worse. I understand many of you haven't been in an abusive relationship and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He's completely broken me and worn me down to an extent where a few weeks ago I felt I deserved what he did to me, and even apologised to HIM for what he'd done when he was crying about it, saying I didn't blame him and it was probably my fault. Which I know it isn't, but when your self worth reaches rock bottom people do some crazy things as I'm finding out..

I guarantee your family are already worried about you living with a controlling man who has isolated you. They will be relieved when you reach out for their support in leaving him, please do it today. You are not safe with this man, you have shown him you will put up with appalling behaviour so he will only get worse

It completely broke me and I'm still grieving now at every little milestone which would have been.

How do you think you’re going to feel when your baby is born?
Sometimes we just need time to grieve and sometimes we might need a bit of professional help to get us through it. You got pregnant again very soon with man who has literally no respect for you. You have not had the time or support you need to cope with a child so I really think getting some professional help would be good for you so you can be in the best place mentally when your new baby comes.

Everyone on here knows it’s very difficult to leave a relationship especially an abusive one. But it’s not going to get easy once the baby is here as that’s when most people feel they can’t leave.
It would be better to leave sooner and get yourself mentally and physically sorted before the baby arrives.
This man will leave you it is very obvious that he doesn’t even like you, so you should be getting there first and getting back some of the dignity he’s taken from you these past few years.

OP you need to contact Women's Aid and get out of there ASAP.

You poor thing, you've been through so much. You're right that he has broken you down, but the strong and courageous you is still in there, she justnneeds some help and some time. If it feels like you'd be on your own if you leave then that will feel scary, but there are lots of people who want to help you. How about giving women's aid a ring this week, just to have someone to talk to? They won't pressure you to leave if you're not ready or don't want to. The last thing you need right now is more pressure! But you can talk to them about how you're feeling and where you might want to get to in time.

What is it that makes you think your ffamily will worry? It's awful when people don't feel strong enough to cope with our difficulties, sometimes you can end up looking after them instead of being looked after. The goodthing about people like women's aid is that they won't freak out or worry about you, they'll just calmly listen and help you think things through.

He's such a loving partner

Jesus christ OP you can't be for real??

Let's have a look at the facts...

*Betrayed your trust by cheating with escorts
*Risked your sexual health and the health or your child by cheating with escorts
*gaslights and manipulates
*pathological liar
*got his ex pregnant when he was supposed to be with you

Tell me exactly which of the above points makes him a loving partner?? I'm baffled.

What you mean is he's an accomplished liar and you happily lap up any old shit he feeds you because you don't want to be alone.

The longer you stay in this situation the worse it will become for you. It sounds as if you've already lost your perception of reality (if you think this trash rat is a loving partner), and that's only a couple of years. in

Let me guess.... He has money!??

@Closetbeanmuncher

Let me guess.... He has money!??

Wow. Im a successful solicitor and earn twice what he does actually. Please don't comment if you're going to be nasty. There's really no need for it.

You really can manage alone, it is actually easier than with a partner like yours. It is difficult to do at first, but it can be done lots of us here have. It's hard as you want him to be something he is not, and you want the fantasy not the reality. You can do it, please believe you can. When I think back to my life with my ex it seems unreal and that sorry life was someone else's not mine. You will have a happy, fulfilled life but not with him. Good luck

You can't blame people for wondering why you are staying with this man, spoonfullofsugar. He really does sound too awful for words.

As you are a solicitor you must know where you stand legally, and know ways of extricating yourself from living with him. What you don't know you can find out easily enough; as you have a good income you're way ahead of many in a similar boat.

You are worth so much more.

Please, please get rid of him. He'll suck the life out of you and goodness only knows what he'll be like if and when you have the baby. Do consider every option, think with your head.

Someone put it wisely on your other thread OP:

It is extremely common for domestic abuse to start and escalate during pregnancy and afterwards.

This man now knows you'll stay with him despite all that you've found out and all that he's done to you.

He has no reason to do anything but at best stay the same (cruel, cheating, gaslighting, aggressive, scary in bed at times) or more likely get worse.

You want to continue this pregnancy and that is of course completely your choice. Let your first big decision as a parent be to get yourself away from living with a man who has already caused you huge stress, anxiety and affected your mental health - and has the potential to physically harm you. In fact, he would have physically harmed you in one way for sure as he was cheating which is a risk to your sexual health.

I know you are scared to leave because of the unknown but it's the right thing to do for your child because they need a mum who in however many months time is feeling as strong and stable as possible.

You'll be much less strong and stable with him. If you stay he'll spend your money on escorts, he'll cheat and blame it on you being too tired to have sex on demand when your little one is tiny, he'll make you feel bad if you don't go back to work and say the pressure of providing makes him cheat, he'll make you feel bad if you do go back to work and say being emasculated by you makes him cheat.

He will convince you everything is always your fault and because you'll be adding the pressures and tiredness of a new baby into the mix you'll be even more vulnerable than you are now and you'll believe him. He will chip away at you bit by bit by bit until you don't recognise yourself anymore. That's your future if you stay.

You are a financially independent solicitor - please, please, please make the most of that independence and put your baby first by not having them grow up with an abuser in the house.

Wow. Im a successful solicitor and earn twice what he does actually.

If this is the case then why are you going to stay with him?! What the the actual reasons?

You are an intelligent women and just by reading your posts you know this isn’t ok and it’s not getting any better.

If you want to stay in a relationship like this that’s your choice but do not make a poor child suffer in it too.
If you want to give your baby a good life you know you need to leave asap. If you can’t leave then a termination may be the best thing as when you become a parent you have to put the child first which right now you are not doing.

This is horrific .

OP I can understand the feeling of wanting to become pregnant after a loss or termination. It can overpower EVERYTHING and there’s no seeing it any other way.

Without going into detail I can only advise you run and not continue the pregnancy. Assuming you are gestationally 4 weeks pregnant , it was only a fortnight ago you slept with him and you were happy to, but now you’re pregnant you’re adamant you’re leaving . This is what I mean about losing sight of everything.

I wouldn’t tie myself to that man for ANYTHING no matter how much I wanted a baby. It would be awful to bring up a child willingly with that reminder

@toocold54

Wow. Im a successful solicitor and earn twice what he does actually.

If this is the case then why are you going to stay with him?! What the the actual reasons?

You are an intelligent women and just by reading your posts you know this isn’t ok and it’s not getting any better.

If you want to stay in a relationship like this that’s your choice but do not make a poor child suffer in it too.
If you want to give your baby a good life you know you need to leave asap. If you can’t leave then a termination may be the best thing as when you become a parent you have to put the child first which right now you are not doing.

Please stop telling me to get a termination. I agree for medical reasons but I'm not having one. I didn't expect a forum to be so judgemental and rude.

He's not a loving partner and will love neither you nor the baby you are insisting on adding to the toxic mix of your relationship. You need counselling and advice as soon as possible to help you leave this mess. Don't go on making the awful mistake you've found yourself in.

Im a successful solicitor and earn twice what he does actually.

Then sorry to be harsh but you you even less excuse to not get away from this Jeremy Kyle trashy, degenerate mess of an individual.

Its not like you're uneducated, deprived etc. Not saying that abuse & infidelity only happens to uneducated deprived women, it happens to all women, bot at least with a deprived woman who has e.g. v low income, maybe a lack of experience of measured assessment (which you have from your education and career), maybe a background/context where accepting really shit, degenerate behaviour is normalised etc., it I'd more understandable that she'd not leave quickly.

What would you say to a client who came in and told you this story?

I know I should have run a mile then but I was in such a low place I didn't want to be alone. I was desperately sad about the baby and just wanted to try again for another one so I stupidly forgave him and began TTC straight away.

Have you had any counselling to help unpack why you made these decisions.

That's an incredible amount of betrayal and malfunction (on his part) to forgive.

I'm not someone encouraging a termination, if you want to continue the pregnancy that's entirely up to you.

It's just hard to understand how an intelligent, capable, responsible professional woman has continued the relationship and quickly returned to ttc given the circumstances.

I'm not trying to patronise in any way and clearly he's a very effective head fucker/manipulator but there is clearly something going on with you. Did you say you previous had alcohol problems- what was behind them?

As to your isolation; start reaching out.

And don't think about worrying your family ... anyone would rather help and support than think you were going through stuff like this alone.

I'm not discounting the emotional trauma and pain of the miscarriage and some people do rush into another pregnancy inman attempt to ameliorate it.

But it's still hard to get your head around that you forgive and went straight back to ttc with that level of betrayal and degenerate behaviour, and having unprotected sex with a user of prostitutes, even including male prostitutes. I mean stds are a cause of miscarriages and birth defects, if it was so important to have a successful pregnancy, why with him?.

Anyway .. I'd not be putting much money on him stopping his behaviour - with non prostitutes or prostitutes; so for the above reasons you shouldn't be touching him with a couple of extra string condoms if you're not leaving him immediately and might actually be having sexual contact wuth him.Bearing in mind they don't fully protect - have and herpes etc only require skin to skin in affected areas.

*without, obviously.

People will harp on about how prostitutes are better than "civilians" at protecting themselves from stds.

Maybe they are more likely to.use condoms than civvies, but condoms don't fully protect against stds, and I'd like to know how exactly a prostitutes who could see a dozen customers back to back a day are less likely to get one of those. They can do all the antiseptic wipe using they want (as described on aduktwork), that's not going to ge completely effective, and they wouldn't know they'd been infected during that day or several days (or longer, or they might get no or mild symptoms). It's bullshit that doesn't stand up.

Please stop telling me to get a termination. I agree for medical reasons but I'm not having one. I didn't expect a forum to be so judgemental and rude.

Then start putting your unborn child first. What do you expect people to say - that this is a healthy environment to bring a baby? Because it’s not. And it is harder to leave once the baby arrives.
Do you think he’s going to suddenly change when a baby comes?

Op has already said she plans to leave.