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Original poster

Too late to embrace my sexuality?

54 replies

sexysocks95 · 28/07/2021 23:14

I have always known I’m not 100% straight but recently I’m definitely starting to identify more as bisexual, however I feel like the fun, free part of my life has gone and I’ll never get to explore that side of my sexuality.
I told my close friends I was bi when I was a teenager, and they didn’t really take it seriously. So i never mentioned it again to anyone else. I told DH when I first met him that I’d had a relationship with a female but I think he just saw it as a kinky thing.
I feel like if I was on the dating scene now, I’d probably describe myself as pansexual, as I would be open to sex and relationships with people regardless of their gender identity, as long as I liked them as a person and was physically attracted to them. But now I am nearly 30, married for 3 years with a 7 month old baby, so I doubt I’ll ever be able to explore that part of me again. I have been involved with women before and not just sexually, I’ve had romantic feelings too. So it’s not just a ‘what if’ feeling (I’ve not had full sex with a woman though).
DH is amazing- he’s kind and generous, a wonderful father to our baby, and he makes me laugh so much every day. He is my best friend. And I still fancy him like mad after 8 years together! Even though I’m not always up for sex (we probably do it once or twice a fortnight), I enjoy it when we do have it. But I do fantasise about women or sometimes other men. And I think about sex a lot even though I’m not always in the mood to do something about it with DH. I find myself thinking ‘phwoar I’d shag him/her’ every time I see someone marginally attractive 😂
I guess I just feel a bit disappointed that I could’ve done something about these feelings before I met DH, had a bit more fun with my sexuality when I was younger. But it’s only now I’m more comfortable with myself at an older age that I would be confident enough to give it a go… but I’m married!
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I just accept that it’s still ok for me to identify as bi/pan even though I’m in a hetero relationship? I would never ever cheat. But I know there are married couples that openly sleep with other people. I don’t know whether to talk to DH about it. We have a baby so it’s not like I can go off every weekend shagging even if he was ok with it 😂

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 29/07/2021 05:21

How would you feel if your husband confided he was bi and wanted to shag men on the side? Would you be cool with it?

QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 05:26

Leave your Husband and live the life you wish to follow.

FortunesFave · 29/07/2021 06:13

@QueenBee52

Leave your Husband and live the life you wish to follow.
Why? Because of a fantasy?

I mean...she says this about her husband DH is amazing- he’s kind and generous, a wonderful father to our baby, and he makes me laugh so much every day. He is my best friend. And I still fancy him like mad after 8 years together!

Is that worth leaving and being a lone parent because she thinks she wants a go with a woman or someone else?

Odd thinking.

StarlightLady · 29/07/2021 06:55

The simple part is that at nearly 30, it is not to late. I was in my early 30s when l had my first renaissance with another woman, l had always regarded myself as straight and it took me quite by surprise. A seemingly (to me) innocent pizza invite when working away turned out as a real eye opener!

There have been other women and men since (40s now) and these days, l simply see myself as “sexual”, in my case, no prefix wanted or required. I rarely tell men, because they then often look upon you as an extreme entertainment centre.

The more complex part is what you do about it. Not something l think which can be covered by a few sentences on a MN thread. 🌈

Kittykat93 · 29/07/2021 07:04

I could have written this...its so hard but I find myself thinking about it a lot of the time! I spoke to my husband and told him some of my feelings and he said although he would be fine with us 'being with' a woman together he wouldn't be happy for me to do this on my own. Which is probably how most men feel 🤣 the issue is what single woman is going to want to be involved with a male female couple???Would never want to leave a happy and stable marriage just because I have urges though, so I'm stuck. I don't know what the answer is.

TheABC · 29/07/2021 07:09

Another one happily married here in a hetro relationship who is bi. I did get the chance to explore with women when younger. However, I made a conscious decision when I married DH and I choose monogamy with him. That has not changed and I explore the homosexual side of my life through fantasies, erotical fiction and toys. There is an element of"the grass is always greener" to it, especially when you are in a predictable partnership.

I know (for us) an open it swinging relationship would not work. However, it might for you if your DH us onboard and you are both prepared to put the work in for trust, communication etc. A good open partnership involves a lot of talking as you unpack thoughts and feelings you never knew existed.

Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 09:16

@QueenBee52 bit dramatic 🙄

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 29/07/2021 09:23

Well i guess this is the trade off you make of you choose to enter a monogamous marriage. You
don’t get to explore with other people - unless you want to talk to your husband about opening up your marriage, but would you be happy with him exploring with other people?

I think it’s normal to have regrets about chances not taken when younger, especially if there are areas of your sexuality you haven’t explored. But then again, exploration is not always what it’s cracked up to be! It might be exciting, sure. You
might also learn new things and enjoy new things sexually, sure.

But a marriage is also a learning experience and you have the enjoyment of a stable, long term relationship that you grow with over time. Again, it’s a trade off!

Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 09:23

@Kittykat93 I feel like DH might say the same thing but I don’t think I want a threesome. It feels a bit too one-sided, like we’re the couple and the other person is the odd one out. I know that sounds weird 😂 can’t think of a better way to get explain it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 09:26

@SilverRoe to be honest, I think I’d actually be ok with him doing the same thing! I’m sure a lot of people say this and then it all blows up in their faces, but I genuinely trust him 100%, more than anyone in the world. I could imagine us both opening up our sexual side to other people but still wanting to be married to each other. But we’ve just had our first child and we want several more so it’s not really a good time right now, right in the middle of our family journey! Maybe when we’re older l could broach the subject.

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 29/07/2021 09:27

Just to add - if you open up a marriage it has to be equitable, unless your husband is some kind of saint. So if you get to explore things with new people- so does he, and maybe he also has things he’d like to explore with people who aren’t you. How would you feel about him doing that with another woman?

The whole ‘adding a third’ to the marriage so you can experience sleeping with a woman is something a lot of married couples with a woman who is bicurious think about doing. But, very few bisexual women fancy being someone else’s fantasy fulfilment. And, speaking from experience, it’s a real pain in the ass to be a ‘third’ to an inexperienced couple because you never know how either of them will react to things and as the disposable third your feelings etc come…third. It’s not an attractive prospect- which is why ‘thirds’ are often referred to as ‘unicorns’.

Naunet · 29/07/2021 09:28

@FortunesFave

How would you feel if your husband confided he was bi and wanted to shag men on the side? Would you be cool with it?
Oh yes, let’s shame OP for her sexuality and make sure she buries these feelings and never acknowledges them again. Very helpful.

She hasn’t even said she wants to fuck other women on the side by the way, so not sure how your question is even relevant?

SilverRoe · 29/07/2021 09:29

X-post there!!! I think of you would feel ok with him
exploring too then broach the subject and see what he says. And yea i think staying away from threes ones is a good idea! Smile

Babdoc · 29/07/2021 09:35

OP, I think many people of both sexes, when mired in domesticity and the demands of small babies, hanker for their lost youth/missed opportunities/a wild time!
Your hankerings are a tad more complicated by gender orientation, but probably come from the same place.
There is no harm in fantasising, but don’t let it get out of hand and damage what sounds like a happy marriage with a good man.
You have many years of life ahead of you - why not wait and see how your feelings mature. You may outgrow this stage, or your desire to explore other relationships may become overwhelming, to the point of necessitating divorce. But don’t rush into anything simply from fear of missing out.

Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 09:48

@Babdoc yeah I get that, you’re right.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 12:25

@Naunet

Oh yes, let’s shame OP for her sexuality and make sure she buries these feelings and never acknowledges them again. Very helpful.

She hasn’t even said she wants to fuck other women on the side by the way, so not sure how your question is even relevant?

OP stated ......

But I know there are married couples that openly sleep with other people. I don’t know whether to talk to DH about it

Not sure where you see OP being shamed ? If she feels so strongly about an open marriage, she's better leaving.. 🌸

FortunesFave · 29/07/2021 12:27

Naunet Who shamed her for her sexuality? Not me. I may have suggested that wanting to sleep with others isn't admirable by the way I posted but that's regardless of their gender. And it was OP who mentioned open marriages so yes...she DID say she wanted to fuck others.

Gilda152 · 29/07/2021 12:30

Nobody shamed anybody Hmm

Pissinthepottyplease · 29/07/2021 12:30

Having sex one a week when you have a 7 month old baby is probably pretty average. By friend Mum had her first relationship with a women in 60s so it’s all possible if your single but your not single. I think the bi but is a red herring here. How do you think your husband would feel if you said you wanted to have sex with someone else? I wouldn’t be impressed if my husband said this to me.

Sakurami · 29/07/2021 12:36

Come on op. You have an amazing life with an amazing husband and father to your baby.

We can all dream what we could do or become were we not in relationships or had kids or settled in one place etc.

But bloody hell, appreciate what you have!

Meaningless sex with people and no real love and companionship or a great relationship with one person??

I only had a few long term relationships during my life until I became single a few years ago. And then when I became single a few years ago I dated more men in a few years than i had done in 30 years.

Ok some elements were fun but doesn't touch the sides of being in a relationship with someone who loves you and respects you and wants to please you and it is reciprocated.

Appreciate what you have and enjoy it and cherish it. It is ok to have fantasies - maybe explore some sexual fantasies as part as sex with your husband? It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your relationship

Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 12:57

@QueenBee52 I don’t agree that having no marriage is better than having an open marriage, if both parties are happy. I don’t ever want to lose my husband. This is about sex. So please stop telling me to leave him :) thanks

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 13:07

[quote sexysocks95]@QueenBee52 I don’t agree that having no marriage is better than having an open marriage, if both parties are happy. I don’t ever want to lose my husband. This is about sex. So please stop telling me to leave him :) thanks[/quote]

If you leave your Husband ... then you are both free to explore those sexual partners you both missed out on when marrying ...

Nothing wrong with that ... right 🌸

Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 13:14

@QueenBee52 don’t wish to discuss with you any further as I find you to be quite patronising

OP posts:
Original poster
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 13:17

@Sakurami I know you’re right. I guess it just feels really annoying that I’ve only just found the confidence to be who I really am sexually, and it’s come at a time when I’m happily married and therefore won’t get to explore it UNLESS later down the line me and DH decided we both liked the idea of opening our sex lives up (not now as I have mentioned we are starting a family). Basically I wish I’d felt like this ten years ago!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 13:18

[quote sexysocks95]@QueenBee52 don’t wish to discuss with you any further as I find you to be quite patronising[/quote]

well you're going to have to discuss an Open marriage with your husband.. at some point.. better you're prepared for Him potentially asking you to leave.. however He may not..

an Open marriage gives Him the same sexual freedoms to have several experiences with other people.. and you too will be free to explore your sexuality ...

Win/Win 🌸

it's a gamble