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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Too late to embrace my sexuality?

54 replies

sexysocks95 · 28/07/2021 23:14

I have always known I’m not 100% straight but recently I’m definitely starting to identify more as bisexual, however I feel like the fun, free part of my life has gone and I’ll never get to explore that side of my sexuality.
I told my close friends I was bi when I was a teenager, and they didn’t really take it seriously. So i never mentioned it again to anyone else. I told DH when I first met him that I’d had a relationship with a female but I think he just saw it as a kinky thing.
I feel like if I was on the dating scene now, I’d probably describe myself as pansexual, as I would be open to sex and relationships with people regardless of their gender identity, as long as I liked them as a person and was physically attracted to them. But now I am nearly 30, married for 3 years with a 7 month old baby, so I doubt I’ll ever be able to explore that part of me again. I have been involved with women before and not just sexually, I’ve had romantic feelings too. So it’s not just a ‘what if’ feeling (I’ve not had full sex with a woman though).
DH is amazing- he’s kind and generous, a wonderful father to our baby, and he makes me laugh so much every day. He is my best friend. And I still fancy him like mad after 8 years together! Even though I’m not always up for sex (we probably do it once or twice a fortnight), I enjoy it when we do have it. But I do fantasise about women or sometimes other men. And I think about sex a lot even though I’m not always in the mood to do something about it with DH. I find myself thinking ‘phwoar I’d shag him/her’ every time I see someone marginally attractive 😂
I guess I just feel a bit disappointed that I could’ve done something about these feelings before I met DH, had a bit more fun with my sexuality when I was younger. But it’s only now I’m more comfortable with myself at an older age that I would be confident enough to give it a go… but I’m married!
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I just accept that it’s still ok for me to identify as bi/pan even though I’m in a hetero relationship? I would never ever cheat. But I know there are married couples that openly sleep with other people. I don’t know whether to talk to DH about it. We have a baby so it’s not like I can go off every weekend shagging even if he was ok with it 😂

OP posts:
sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 13:25

A few people have asked how I would feel if it was the other way round. If my DH wanted to have a serious conversation with me about his sexuality, I’d be very understanding and do what I can to help him. But if it was just meaningless sex he was after then no I suppose I wouldn’t like it. But that’s because I’m insecure and would worry about him liking someone else more than me!

I know if I was straight and said I wanted to sleep with other men, I’d get told this was selfish and wrong. But being bisexual kinda adds an ‘unfulfilled fantasy’ element to it. And the point of my post was wondering whether it was ok to still identify a certain way even being in a hetero relationship. And see if anyone else had been in a similar situation and what they’d done about it. Some people seem to have taken this as I want to leave my happy marriage and have sex with loads of strangers. I don’t want to leave my marriage. But I do have unfulfilled lust (that sounds so cringey but I can’t think of a better way to put it!).

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 13:30

You will never be blamed for wishing to explore your sexuality.. and gender does not come into this at all ..Open marriages are wrought with risks and potential complications ..

it's a gamble .. you are gambling your family unit .. you have a young baby too... so take your time..

Speak to your Husband .. and be honest .. just be prepared for all possible answers .. 🌸

sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 13:32

@QueenBee52 I know you’re trying to be helpful, sorry I was a bit snippy with you before

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 13:35

[quote sexysocks95]@QueenBee52 I know you’re trying to be helpful, sorry I was a bit snippy with you before[/quote]

not at all... I wasn't entirely helpful suggesting you just leave.. 🌸

sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 13:35

I know that if we had an open relationship my husband would have the same rights as me. And I’d like to say now that I would be okay with that. But really you don’t know how it will make you feel until it happens. There isn’t really anyone else I can talk to you about this, so I just needed to get it all off my mind and see what other people said. But yes most of you are right in the things you’ve all said and you’ve made me feel a bit more level headed about it.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/07/2021 13:39

well youre only 29, so i wouldnt write it all off yet, but even if youre bisexual, most people will settle down with one person eventually.
Im bisexual in a long term relationship with a man, and I do relate to a lot of the things you say, but ive done a lot of soul searching and decided that actually dp is the life partner I want, despite being a man, and ive made peace with that. he knows ive had wobbles about it in the past though.
You dont have to make a decision now

sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 14:27

@Branleuse thank you that’s good to know :)

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 29/07/2021 14:39

You've said two things that I think warrant thinking about...

I guess it just feels really annoying that I’ve only just found the confidence to be who I really am sexually, and it’s come at a time when I’m happily married and therefore won’t get to explore it

That's not unusual, in my experience. We're the same age, and I have a few friends who feel the same. It's much easier to fantasize about what you could have been when you're safe and secure and happy. I've also found that babies tend to bring out that side of my friends, too - maybe because of how maternal it is, or maybe because it's quite hard-going? But the fantasy of another woman and how exciting and different that would be seems to be very tempting around that point...

There's a decent chance that it wouldn't be how you were expecting, and the reality would never live up to the fantasy.

But if it was just meaningless sex he was after then no I suppose I wouldn’t like it. But that’s because I’m insecure and would worry about him liking someone else more than me!

But also this. Again, in my experience, most of my female friends would consider themselves bisexual. Very few of my male friends would. Unless you know otherwise, it's far more likely that your husband would be having sex with other women than other men if you opened your marriage... And that is very likely to trigger the insecurity.

It's always rationalised that if your bisexual and experimenting with the same sex, it's better because you're after something that your husband can't provide - being female, a female body. And you probably believe that you wouldn't leave your husband for a woman, so that adds a level of "protection" from your side, so to speak, it lowers the risk.

That wouldn't be the case if your husband was sleeping with other women. It'd only be fair for him to have the opportunity if you do - one-sided open marriages don't tend to work - but that could then impact on your relationship quite strongly. You'd also have to work around any other insecurities that you might have - I have a friend who found it unexpectedly very painful when her husband's chosen partners had the body that she wanted, or when they were quite a bit younger and childfree... Those things might not bother you, but it's worth considering if anything would.

All that considered, there's a chance that 40 year old you won't actually fancy opening your marriage anyway, or that it won't feel as exciting when the baby days are over...

But you are definitely not alone in feeling like this. In my circle, at least, it's really common. I only know of that one relationship that tried opening things up - and it hasn't gone that well for them - but there will be others who do/have and it has worked for both parties. You just need to be really, really sure that it's worth the risk first, because you can rarely paper over that type of crack.

Branleuse · 29/07/2021 14:42

Opening up.a previously monogamous marriage is playing with fire imo.
Whats your relationship like with your husband

DeliciousSoup · 29/07/2021 14:46

Have you read 'The Ethical Slut' @sexysocks95
I think it might be helpful for thinking things through, and about how to discuss it with your husband

sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 16:50

@TakeYourFinalPosition thank you that was really helpful! I totally understand what you’re saying.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 22:59

@sexysocks95

how are you ?

don't rush into anything... take time to reconcile your own feelings.. before you share anything with DH.. as you say it might be unnecessary right now .. so go at your own pace 🌸

sexysocks95 · 29/07/2021 23:04

@QueenBee52 don’t worry it’s not something I’m gonna rush in to :) maybe one day in future I might open up to DH but it’s all just food for thought at the moment. Thank you for asking.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 23:23

[quote sexysocks95]@QueenBee52 don’t worry it’s not something I’m gonna rush in to :) maybe one day in future I might open up to DH but it’s all just food for thought at the moment. Thank you for asking.[/quote]

🌸🌺🌼

Nextchapterofmybook · 29/07/2021 23:34

Meh. Think everyone once they settle down thinks I shoulda woulda coulda about sex, relationships, travel, work etc

me4real · 30/07/2021 00:24

Of course a bisexual is bisexual whether they're in a homo- or hetero- relationship.

It's a sexual identity and your identity is what it is regardless of who your current partner is.

Every bi person in a het relationship (of which there are thousands) is still bi as long as they still identify as bi.

It's not dependent on how much the person has done, either.

Ignore anyone who tries to dismiss you about something so important to your identity. They'd just be showing their ignorance and obnoxiousness.

You could talk to your husband and make it clear what you want and don't want. A lot of men can fetishize bi women and get horny and pesty, nagging for threesomes. Bisexuality isn't just about sex, so if a man tries to reduce it to something porny it can be kind of unpleasant.

I don't see that you need wait to your kids are older if you don't want to- just whenever you feel up to it.

But I don't know how many blokes would be up for a more open thing (unless it were to try and get their wives to do stuff the husband wants.)

No harm in asking though. Best wishes.

DogGoneCrazyNow · 30/07/2021 00:44

With regards your question wondering whether it was ok to still identify a certain way even being in a hetero relationship, absolutely!

Your sexuality is still what it is. You wouldn't be less bisexual if you were married to a woman either. I have had relationships with women, married to a man, still pansexual. It never used to really occur to me but I've found it quite liberating being involved with the local queer community. My previously abusive partner would have had a fit if he'd known so I kept quiet but it feels good to not hide. I'm not interested in exploring but my husband knows it all and is happy. We trust each other and he gets how sordid it felt to pretend before. Chat to people about it and it might help, just acknowledging that side can feel better.

PickAChew · 30/07/2021 00:51

But now I am nearly 30, married for 3 years with a 7 month old baby, so I doubt I’ll ever be able to explore that part of me again.

Wow. Way past it, mate. You're practically an oap.

seriously, if you want to do this, you need to leave your dp, with everything that goes with it.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 30/07/2021 00:55

I am bisexual and have known about it since my early 20s. Can't say it's been a whirlwind of joy and excitement. Same as everyone, trying to find the right person to settle down with and missing the bark mostly, whether they were male or female. If you're monogamous then you've got what most of us strive for - a committed relationship and family.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 30/07/2021 00:56

*mark. Bark isn't bisexual slang.

Perriwinkles · 30/07/2021 07:29

I think I might agree with @Nextchapterofmybook

But I do have unfulfilled lust

I’m not sure being bisexual makes any difference. Either way you have lots of sexual feelings for people outside the marriage. The conversation alone could damage your marriage DEPENDING on your husband’s interpretation of marriage and monogamy …

I always had unfulfilled lust in all my longterm relationships but I’ll be honest and say that I envy what you have. I wish I had a partner & I really wish I had a partner who I still fancied 8 years later …

Seadad · 30/07/2021 11:31

For what it's worth - I don't think your sexuality is very relevant to your feelings. Just about everyone in a committed relationship feels this way about sex with someone different and 'new'. Whether that's with a another man or women doesn't really change anything for you. People who didn't get much experience of sex with others before marriage think they might be missing out and denied themselves. People who did have lots of experience feel they've lost a part of who they were. You're maybe feeling a bit of both OP?

Anyway - whether you want your marriage to remain monogamous is a decision for both of you. But I think it's worth doing a lot of research into how to make polyamory work in a marriage (rather than make it up as you go along) if you both wish to explore this.

Otherwise - welcome to the sacrifices made in order to create a stable healthy happy home life for your children...there are lots of these! Whether it's women, or threesomes, or hook-ups, or kinks your partner won't entertain, or any other thing that monogamous relationships curtail- sexuality doesn't really create a different case.
The only relevance may be that men are often less bothered by infidelity (by which I mean sex outside of marriage not cheating) if it is with another women.
Either way - long talks with DH without needing to arrive at solutions straight away might be the best step?

Itwontstopraining · 31/07/2021 00:55

Op I can empathize, I'm bi and while I knew it when I was younger, I settled down before much exploration. I'm old enough that it was pre internet dating and I met very few gay/bi women so I guess it made sense that I met lots more straight men that I was interested in before I met women I had a chance with, got with DH when I was 22 (and I started relatively late I guess, so it was quite a short window)

The way I made peace with it was by identifying as queer while in a hetero relationship - while I'd never be crass about it, my DH understands and is ok that I might point out an attractive woman on TV for example (for me this clears the air rather than me feeling like I've got to hide/ignore something). There are certain aspects in our relationship or how we interact that are subtly unconventional for a traditional m/f relationship, little things about buying gifts, or who puts their arm around who - that might sound odd, but in the short relationships I had with women I took on the more dominant role (I can't think of how to phrase that better, but I suppose it's the more traditional male role of wining/dining/protecting) and he's fine with that. Ultimately though for me it was accepting that I was genuinely bi (and not gay and in denial) that was important. And once I'd got my head around that, I started thinking of those 'what ifs' as similar to how say, a straight woman might feel if she typically preferred tall dark and handsome but fell for a redhead. Not missing out, just different. I love my DH, I fancy him. Yes I'm sure I'd enjoy sex with women, but not enough to ruin my relationship. Just as I'm sure that my best friend would love a Jason momoa type when she's only ever dated white English men.

I totally respect anyone in a more open relationship but I know it's not for us. If I was single and starting to date it might be different, but introducing it now wouldn't work, we didn't start our relationship on those grounds. And tbh while the fantasy might seem fun, I can't imagine ever having the actual time/headspace/commitment to go through with the reality of what is would actually entail. I mean let's be honest, after lockdown even just wearing jeans instead of loungewear feels like an effort! DH knows I fancy some female celebrities and I read some gay/female erotic literature and thats how I respect that side of me (I'm not totally against porn but have some issues with it and most porn about women is very male gaze) I am happy with DH but if we ever separated I'm totally cool with being a 60 something queer dating women. But if it doesn't happen, id be in an awesome relationship with a fantastic guy. I do think it's important to remember that noone has the perfect sex life/relationship life (settled too early/not enough casual sex, settled too late too many awkward one night stands etc) and that most people make compromises of some form. I don't mean that to suggest people 'settle', just that its not as ideal as film/TV teaches us it should be!

bleachblondemom · 31/07/2021 08:04

@Itwontstopraining thank you for sharing that, what a sensible and healthy outlook you and DH both have! Sounds like you’re in a really good place. Totally understand and appreciate everything you’ve said.

newnortherner111 · 31/07/2021 08:52

I think it is too late. Not because of your age, but because of being married and having a child. You can 'identify' in any way you wish, but I think you should be faithful to your DH (and vice-versa), and would think the same were it a man, or someone in a same sex relationship.