Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Its never feels good enough...

68 replies

MoscowRule · 28/07/2021 08:14

Hi Everyone

Me and my DW are late 30s no children. Lockdown has been tough. It was her birthday yesterday. I guess I get very stressed and anxious around this time. I worry about what I am going to get her and what we will do. I always feel its never enough, or its not good enough

This year I got up early before work, and covered the dining room where she is working in balloons, banners etc. I bought her cut flowers, and also some pot plants that can go in the garden afterwards as she is a keen gardener. I got some champagne, and four presents and laid them all out of the table for when she came down. We went out for a relaxed dinner in the evening and then I have booked a weekend away for next week.

In the evening someone on a chat group which we are both on asked if she had got cake. I replied saying no I forgot, took a picture of what I had done and said "but I did do all this..just forgot the cake". My DW turned round and said that "stop taking credit for all of it" to which I said "what do you mean". She said "those birthday cards aren't all from you".. which was true. But 95% of everything else was me. I didnt want to correct her or saying anything because it would have been boasting I guess

I guess I'm used to it now, but part of me felt pretty dejected. She knew as well as 5 minutes later she was telling me how wonderful everything was. But I know deep down what her true feelings are. It may seem trivial, but its repeated over and over. The champagne was Aldi own brand which according to her "didnt taste as good as the Bollinger that her and her sister had been drinking the night before". And the cut flowers "you only buy those because they are the cheapest". Her upbringing was well off, mine wasn't. My parents were poor and argued about money the whole time. Its had an impact on me.

Some days I think I don't want to be in this relationship. We haven't had sex for years. But part of me (maybe subconsciously) thinks that she is right and that I am a sub par partner. And when I have those thoughts I just think that staying is easier..

I dont really know what Im asking... maybe I just needed a vent. It made me sad just writing this

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 28/07/2021 08:23

Well, her reactions are rude and ungrateful, of course, and you have a right to feel hurt and deflated. However, this is clearly the tip of a very large relationship iceberg. You’re clearly unhappy in your marriage and that feels like the big issue.

fedup078 · 28/07/2021 08:25

Wow I'd be lucky to even get a card from my stbxh
Nothing to do with why we split though
I'm guessing she's not just like this one day a year
Sounds exhausting

DinosaurDiana · 28/07/2021 08:27

She’s ungrateful. You got her a lot more than I ever get and went to far more effort than I ever get !!
You don’t sound happy in the marriage, it shouldn’t make you stressed or to feel not good enough.

GooodMythicalMorning · 28/07/2021 08:30

Maybe you just aren't compatible any more? It sounds like she was pretty ungrateful, I would have been chuffed with all you did. Also I couldn't be doing with sexless marriage. It doesn't sound like you're happy with it either. Is it time to think about whether it's right for either of you?

Cookiebox · 28/07/2021 08:36

This is really hurtful for you. I think the birthday and presents is a red herring. Sounds like it could've been anything and it will continue. From what you're saying I'd guess your wife is trying her best to start a fight/argument.
She's clearly unhappy perhaps even resentful. Maybe she's spoiling for a fight because she's had enough and unhappy in the marriage.
You just don't know unless you speak to her.
Have your different backgrounds always been an issue?
I'd say you both sound unhappy is there a possibility that you're using your wife as a scapegoat when actually you need to take responsibility for your unhappiness?

Original poster
MoscowRule · 28/07/2021 08:38

I've told her I'm unhappy. She said yes she understands why, and admits she is controlling and has an aggressive personality. (Not like in a physical way - we were at dinner and I was saying how hard it must be working in hospitality right now and how lucky we are [we are both in 6 figure jobs] and she said something along the lines of .. its been easy for them with furlough getting paid doing nothing)

She says that under no circumstances does she want to split, and says that I will carry my issues into the next relationship. She says that other woman she knows expect more from their husbands (luxury holidays, jewelry) etc than I give her.

OP posts:
MirandaMarple · 28/07/2021 08:40

Is she 5? Ugh.

Sapnupuas · 28/07/2021 08:41

But if she earns 6 figures, why do you need to buy her things?

Leave. Honestly.

GalaxyGirl24 · 28/07/2021 08:41

This sounds upsetting. You need to sit her down and discuss how her comments make you feel in relation to your upbringing vs hers.

Don't get me wrong, a nice effort from your partner makes you feel appreciated and it can be underwhelming if it doesn't feel how you imagined in your head. My own DH was brought up where a fuss isn't made of birthdays whereas my family make a huge fuss (not necessarily expensive) - so it's taken him a while to get to grips with my birthday wishes HOWEVER expensive efforts are not important in the grand scheme as I always tell him. The love, time and care he shows me will mean more than posh flowers and chocs could ever mean.

Maybe you two could sit and make it clear what you like and expect in terms of special occasions and come to a compromise. If not, you need to consider the relationships longevity. You don't want to end up resenting each other.

GalaxyGirl24 · 28/07/2021 08:42

Just read your update - she sounds spoilt. If you can't give her the luxury she needs maybe she needs to be honest and move on, or you do.

What issues is she referring to about you?

TrueRefuge · 28/07/2021 08:44

OP, she is manipulating you. It's classic emotional abuse.

I'm in a happy relationship (not perfect, but we're working on it) and if my DP did HALF of what you did after how many years (?) I'd be absolutely delighted!

She doesn't sound nice and she's manipulated you into thinking you need to what, take her to the Seychelles every year?

The fact you feel anxious every time her bday comes around, and that you've told her youre unhappy and she doesn't care .... I'm sorry, but this relationship is dead in the water. You deserve far, far better.

Question: What did she do for your last birthday?

Nonmaquillee · 28/07/2021 08:48

@MoscowRule

I've told her I'm unhappy. She said yes she understands why, and admits she is controlling and has an aggressive personality. (Not like in a physical way - we were at dinner and I was saying how hard it must be working in hospitality right now and how lucky we are [we are both in 6 figure jobs] and she said something along the lines of .. its been easy for them with furlough getting paid doing nothing)

She says that under no circumstances does she want to split, and says that I will carry my issues into the next relationship. She says that other woman she knows expect more from their husbands (luxury holidays, jewelry) etc than I give her.

This is really sad to read. Be in no doubt: she’s extremely rude, ungrateful and insensitive.

She may say she doesn’t want to split up from you and she’s entitled to say that but it’s very clear that the relationship is stale. And you say you haven’t had sex for years!! What’s in this for you?

Staying with her will erode your self esteem. I would LTB and find a woman who appreciates me.

Somanysocks · 28/07/2021 08:50

She sounds as if she thinks she's doing you a favour by being with you. She is looking down on you.

I wouldn't put up with it and would seriously consider leaving if this is normal day to day life.

colouringindoors · 28/07/2021 08:50

Why would you stay?

HollowTalk · 28/07/2021 08:50

She sounds absolutely horrible. I can't see the point in being with her at all. Just out of interest, what does she do to celebrate your birthday?

Katiebee008 · 28/07/2021 08:53

You deserve so much better.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 28/07/2021 08:55

She sounds nasty and cruel to you. You shouldn't feel 'anxious' in a relationship. How old are you both? (Roughly?). Sounds like you should leave but, if not, then counselling for you might help. I'm not sure couples counselling is helpful as she sounds abusive.

squiglet111 · 28/07/2021 08:55

The fact that you were anxious before her bday says it all really. You knew that nothing you did would be good enough. If my husband did what you did I would be very touched and felt very loved. Your wife is ungrateful. If you are unhappy then you should leave. It seems that finances aren't a problem for either of you so you should be able to split and still be fine financially. Maybe you could find someone that appreciates you and doesn't expect material gifts to prove love.

trailrunner · 28/07/2021 08:58

She sounds ungrateful, like she thinks she's better than you and criticises you all the time. No wonder she doesn't want to split, she just likes using you as her emotional punchbag whenever she wants.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Find someone gracious and kind who will actually appreciate you.

Marineboy67 · 28/07/2021 09:00

Sounds like the Adorer & the Adored. Does she make that much effort for you on your birthday?
Exotic holidays & Jewellery....jeez what planet is she on? She must be watching alk them superficial silicone idiots on Housewives of Cheshire, Beverly Hills and some other shite.
Get in the real world and tell her if that's your attitude piss off, there's plenty of ladies that would appreciate & love to have a bloke make the effort that you do.

ClaryFairchild · 28/07/2021 09:00

She does sound quite ungrateful, and she doesn't get the final say on whether you split up or not.

However you mentioned you are both on a six figure salary, you have no dc, yet you bought Aldi bubbles and cheap flowers. You didn't say what the presents were but if they were similarly budget when you can truly afford to splurge a little on her I can see why she was not completely bowled over. You might have grown up poor with parents arguing over money but it seems you are recreating this dynamic of arguing over money by being a little stingy with what you will spend on her.

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 09:02

@Craftycorvid

Well, her reactions are rude and ungrateful, of course, and you have a right to feel hurt and deflated. However, this is clearly the tip of a very large relationship iceberg. You’re clearly unhappy in your marriage and that feels like the big issue.
That.

There's nothing 'sub' about you. How many adults bother with a cake for an 'ordinary' birthday anyway? What you did was great.

You're not happy, I don't get why are you still together other than force of habit. You would be better off with someone else who loved and appreciated you.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2021 09:03

She sounds not a nice person OP, what does she mean by you will take your issues with you ??

RubyGoat · 28/07/2021 09:03

She sounds shallow, materialistic, selfish & quite unpleasant TBH. It may just be a difference in values/how you were each brought up, but you don't sound well matched. A sexless marriage doesn't necessarily have to be unhappy, but where one partner isn't happy with it, it's always going to be an issue.

What lovely things does she do for you? It doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Her behaviour sounds fairly unattractive, the way you describe her behaviour she sounds like some demanding diva nightmare TBH.

Mischance · 28/07/2021 09:06

Blimey - she sounds like hard work. I would get rid of her pdq! Life is to short to waste on this selfish person.