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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Its never feels good enough...

68 replies

MoscowRule · 28/07/2021 08:14

Hi Everyone

Me and my DW are late 30s no children. Lockdown has been tough. It was her birthday yesterday. I guess I get very stressed and anxious around this time. I worry about what I am going to get her and what we will do. I always feel its never enough, or its not good enough

This year I got up early before work, and covered the dining room where she is working in balloons, banners etc. I bought her cut flowers, and also some pot plants that can go in the garden afterwards as she is a keen gardener. I got some champagne, and four presents and laid them all out of the table for when she came down. We went out for a relaxed dinner in the evening and then I have booked a weekend away for next week.

In the evening someone on a chat group which we are both on asked if she had got cake. I replied saying no I forgot, took a picture of what I had done and said "but I did do all this..just forgot the cake". My DW turned round and said that "stop taking credit for all of it" to which I said "what do you mean". She said "those birthday cards aren't all from you".. which was true. But 95% of everything else was me. I didnt want to correct her or saying anything because it would have been boasting I guess

I guess I'm used to it now, but part of me felt pretty dejected. She knew as well as 5 minutes later she was telling me how wonderful everything was. But I know deep down what her true feelings are. It may seem trivial, but its repeated over and over. The champagne was Aldi own brand which according to her "didnt taste as good as the Bollinger that her and her sister had been drinking the night before". And the cut flowers "you only buy those because they are the cheapest". Her upbringing was well off, mine wasn't. My parents were poor and argued about money the whole time. Its had an impact on me.

Some days I think I don't want to be in this relationship. We haven't had sex for years. But part of me (maybe subconsciously) thinks that she is right and that I am a sub par partner. And when I have those thoughts I just think that staying is easier..

I dont really know what Im asking... maybe I just needed a vent. It made me sad just writing this

OP posts:

candycane222 · 28/07/2021 09:10

You sound like a lovely guy - she doesn't soind as though she respects or even likes you though. Do you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life?

What is it in your background that makes you think it's acceptable for someone to put you down and undermine you all the time like this? It isn't acceptable.

thelegohooverer · 28/07/2021 09:11

and says that I will carry my issues into the next relationship

this is a version of the classic “no one else will put up with you so you should be grateful I do” line.

Maybe ….

Or maybe you might meet someone who would appreciate your thoughtfulness and share similar financial values.

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2021 09:21

She sounds rude and spoilt and not very attractive!
What does she buy you for your birthday?
You sound as if you've grown apart and I think you should consider going it alone.

Fightingback16 · 28/07/2021 09:22

Sounds like emotional abuse to me or someone lacking in empathy which produces the same outcome regardless, an unhappy life. We get one lift so count your losses and leave. I spend a long time in a marriage which was emotionally abusive and I thought this was all I deserved but one day I decided no more and I’d rather be alone and unhappy then in an unhappy marriage. It was the best thing I’d ever done. There will be someone out there who will never make you question your efforts.

AdalineStephen · 28/07/2021 09:23

LTB. She doesn't respect you, and frankly, if she acts like such a diva, I'm not sure how you can respect her

5togo · 28/07/2021 09:27

Eh? You both earn six figures and you bought her Aldi champagne and the cheapest flowers? You could have gone a bit more upmarket and she could have bought her own.

Nonmaquillee · 28/07/2021 09:32

@5togo

Eh? You both earn six figures and you bought her Aldi champagne and the cheapest flowers? You could have gone a bit more upmarket and she could have bought her own.

So what if it’s Aldi champagne?! Who cares?? Isn’t it the thought and consideration that count? I’d love everything that the OP did for his partner, regardless of where it was all bought.

dottiedodah · 28/07/2021 09:38

I think a cake is a must have really.You say you were poor growing up ,however you have a well paid job now .She does sound a bit of a Princess but maybe if you want to humour her next time buy /order a nice cake .

Shurl · 28/07/2021 09:40

@dottiedodah bullshit. It's not about the cake. I betvthat if there was cake then she would have found something else to complain about.

Honestly OP, most women do not expect all this stuff and you do not need her permission to leave. I personally think you should.

Original poster

MoscowRule · 28/07/2021 09:42

Wow - I never expected so many responses.

Yes I think one PP was right - I do need to own my unhappiness. I guess it got to a point of despair and I went to my GP. I'm in the process of getting some help for my mental health. I've been diagnosed with depression and I'm finding it hard. I've shielded this from my DW somewhat. I don't know why I cant tell her - well actually no I do know ... I've been in tears before and she just tells me to get on with it.

Why do I put up with it? I think my Dad has been somewhat abused by my Mum for most of their relationship.

What does she do in return? She buys me presents. I guess the difference is I would never dream of making a comment about the cost or the value of the present.

She's not a diva (like some ITV reality show) kind of person. Not at all. Its more things like - when driving down the pub at the end of our road she would say "look at all those people drinking, having fun, enjoying their life" and I know deep down she is saying that to make me feel bad because I'm not really a pub person. We both work long hours (hence the salary) and often I just want to relax at home.

I try my best.. when lockdown finished I took her to a restaurant close by that one of my friends recommended. Afterwards she said "I've told you about this restaurant and you didn't want to go, but as soon as your mate mentions it you decide we should go"....

I can't help but feel she's see spite when I try to do something that I think will make her happy. When I asked why she doesn't want sex she said its because I'm unromantic. She then said that for our 3rd wedding anniversary all I got her was a card and that's why she feels unromantic. And then it begins "all my friends husbands are doing x y z"

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 28/07/2021 10:02

I would guess that a lot of your MH problems are caused by the bully you are married to.

hoxt · 28/07/2021 10:03

She sounds really mean to you. You deserve better.

Ohpulltheotherone · 28/07/2021 10:12

OP I would suggest you look into some counselling - not as a couple, as an individual. You’ve mentioned a few areas that therapy can help you go understand better and hopefully resolve and move past (your childhood, the dynamic between your parents, your self esteem etc).

You may find that addressing some of your own issues you realise just how flawed and toxic your wife is and it will give you the strength to stand up to her or even better, leave the marriage.

This is not normal behaviour- she’s a bully and a manipulative gaslighter by the sounds of it plus she doesn’t want to have an intimate relationship but rather than admitting her own part in this she pushes the blame onto you - she won’t have a sex because you aren’t romantic? What you did for he birthday sounded pretty romantic to me!

You earn enough, you have no children - you have no real reason to stay. She doesn’t love or respect you. Being alone would be better than living with someone who undermines and devalues you every day.

Please look into therapy, you can talk to your GP about but also if you can afford it then go private so you can access a therapist quickly.

Windmillwhirl · 28/07/2021 10:15

It shouldn't be a test. A birthday gift should be just that. A gift. You went over and above in order to get her approval.

You said you are not sure ifvyou wantvto remain in the relationship. That is the real issue here to be addressed possibly in therapy.

Also, most people would know you did not buy multiple cards. That comment by her was ridiculous and petty.

Nonmaquillee · 28/07/2021 10:18

Nothing will ever ever be right. It doesn’t matter if the champagne is Bollinger or the cake from the finest Parisian patisserie - it’s never going to be enough. She wants to push you and push you and make you feel more and more inadequate. She’s very nasty and abusive. This is NOT a healthy relationship.

Please please leave, and please get therapy in order to work out what you absorbed growing up with a mother who seems to have bullied your father.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 28/07/2021 10:51

She sounds like a spoiled brat. What advice would you give a friend or family
Member if they said what you just have? Life is a one time deal. Don’t spend it unhappy.

Glitterb · 28/07/2021 11:13

No one should ever make you feel like you are not good enough! Please understand that she is the problem in this relationship, since when has a marriage/relationship been ranked by how many presents or holidays a OH takes you on? No matter what you do, she will always compare it to her friends.
Sorry but she needs to pull her head out her backside.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2021 11:22

I’m afraid OP she’s simply a nasty piece of work and you aren’t the right person for her and vice versa — end it.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 28/07/2021 11:37

You have clearly achieved in your career given the difficulties you experienced growing up. Absolutely do not endured the trauma of someone else's personality imperfections (to put it very mildly). The best thing you can do for yourself & your partner is DUMP her. She absolutely will not expect you to have the balls to do it, the trauma she will experience I expect will serve her a life lesson & my God you will be so much happier. Be single for a while & enjoy the freedom it brings. Good luck.

theodoracarp · 28/07/2021 11:53

She doesn't appreciate you. And devalues everything you do for her. Apparently you feel bad in this relationship. Maybe it's time to stop them?

ckverity9 · 28/07/2021 11:54

Judging by her reaction, she is always unhappy with you. Why do you need such a depressing relationship?

Mamamamasaurus · 28/07/2021 11:57

She sounds vile and you're better off without her. Please don't have children with her, they'll develop the same horrible and ungrateful attitude

PaterPower · 28/07/2021 12:18

No sex since your 3rd anniversary and you’re both only in your 30s with no kids? And all that bullying on top?

Why are you still with her? What will change?

Just out of interest, what’s happening to all the extra cash that (I assume) you’re sitting on and not splurging on the three hols a year? Have you tucked it away for retirement or to pay off the mortgage? If so, does she know that?

One person’s tightwad is another’s fiscally responsible adult. Find someone who values the same things that you do.

AuntieJoyce · 28/07/2021 12:26

Random I know but Aldi champagne is excellent and regularly wins taste tests. You can get four bottles for the price of bolly. I know which I’d spend good money on

ravenmum · 28/07/2021 12:42

She says that other woman she knows expect more from their husbands (luxury holidays, jewelry) etc than I give her
I expect a lot less from my bf. And?

This has nothing to do with the presents you're giving her. She just doesn't like or respect you enough. As a result, you're right, you'll never get it right. You'll probably both be happier with someone more suitable.

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