Does anyone else’s man use there toiletries or the kids up without buying there own!!!

[Dani6]

I am fuming 😤 and sick and tired of my husband helping himself to mine or the kids toiletries. I buy him his own and yet he still helps himself to ours without asking. I have had ago at him multiple times, but it goes out one ear and out the other. He says he will give me extra money but never does. He just uses stuff because he feels like it e.g just to try it. He never asks though and I feel that is so rude, as I would never take his things without asking. He used to do it to me before we had kids and now he is using the kids things. He will use it up and not even tell you and you will find the contents empty or suddenly half gone. Am I bring petty??? He also uses his up then never tells me, so, he will automatically use the nearest thing near by. Seriously I have had enough of it …..

@SpindleWhorl

So he wants to use the more expensive brands, but doesn't want to pay for them?

He wants you to pay for them out of your part-time wage while bringing up his children? And then he gets arsey with you?

I think you need a joint account and you both contribute proportionately to that from your incomes, in a way that genuinely covers all the bills and outgoings. He's not covering his 'share' of supporting his family. You're probably throwing 100% of your income and yourself at it - what about him?

We do share toiletries here, btw - but that's not really your point, is it? It's about him taking his children's stuff because he can.

💯 it’s not just about toiletries People on here who are saying it’s just toiletries are not fulling reading what I’ve put. I already buy double/triple of everything. I have a whole box of toiletries which he can help himself too. He said he forgot where it is 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t have problem with him using what’s in the bathroom. He is going Into my cupboard or the kids room and taking it. Am I’m not allowed to treat myself or the kids to nice things without him taking it. He doesn’t contribute, so how am I losing it over some cream and detangling spray. If you have asked someone not to do something multi times and they ignore you isn’t that disrespectful in its self. Those should not throw stones from glass houses.

I brought him child’s farm and He didn’t give me the money for it. It’s expensive it’s £8 a bottle.
Separate finances and separate toiletries... Do you share anything, or are you just roommates?!

This is the type of disrespect over time that leads to divorce-not unlike "She divorced me over the cup in the sink"
I think you better change the financial setup and/or be petty-take something he values or cherishes and use it up-fancy car? Drive it for the grocery run. His clothes? Cut one up and use it to polish the furniture. "But we're married! I forgot where the rags are"

@GreyhoundG1rl She's saying special things of hers she pays for gets taken and if you asked your partner as nauseam not to do something wouldn't you be be upset?

I can't get over the fact you spend £8 on baby shampoo.

But that aside, physically lock it all away.

Op, is there a reason you can’t sit down and discuss your finances properly? Having a joint pot for everything to come out of? And then what’s left split so you have disposable income each?

My husband and I have a joint account, we pay a percentage of our earnings in, and ensure we are left with the same disposable income each in our own accounts, we pay enough in to cover all joint costs, inc meals out, entertaining, house stuff etc.

General toiletries come from that inc shower gel, deodorant, sun cream, hand soap, loo roll, toothpaste etc, anything we want specially for ourselves we buy individually although neither would check or care if one bought from the joint account.

I don’t understand why you asked him for an extra 100 quid and why you didn’t just plan to take the discussion on better managing your joint finances. You’ve kids together and are arguing over toiletries. It’s no relationship role model for your kids.

You lost my sympathy when you blamed his behaviour on being an only child. Stop using lazy stereotypes.

Personally I don't care if my partner uses my toiletries. We live together and pay bills together, so I don't see an issue. What toiletries are you referring to that cost so much money that you're out of pocket? I actually buy generic shower gel, bubble bath and deodorant that's not overly feminine so we can share. The only thing I wouldn't want him to use is my face cream because it cost £85! But I out that in my make up bag and he doesn't go in there. The other items are about a pound each though, soni don't see the issue.

A couple of things stand out here.

Why don’t you all share and check everything before you go to the supermarket to restock?

Also why would he need to give you more money? Don’t you have access to the bank account, take some money and buy more as needed.

I see you've said you're going to suggest a joint account, and I think that's the answer here. It seems the real issue isn't about him using other people's toiletries, but that you have to buy all the toiletries and you want him to use the cheaper stuff.

First of all, you should both have the same opportunity to have 'nice' or luxury toiletries. Just because you do the shopping shouldn't mean he has to use cheaper stuff.

But more importantly, I think it's about how you divide your finances up, which is most unusual. I think the way we do it is probably quite common -

Wages go in to one account. All household bills come out of the that account. We also pay for petrol / car maintenance / grocery shops / home improvement stuff etc etc out of that account. Once a month we pay a sum (same for both of us) in to our own accounts - that is for the fun stuff / hobbies / buying gifts for each other / day to day treats for ourselves.

Day to say toiletries are purchased with the grocery shop generally, so come from joint account. Although we tend to have some 'his and hers' stuff other bits we share. Anything a bit fancy and unusual we buy ourselves. If he used something of 'mine' I wouldn't really mind because overall we split finances fairly, so I would just buy more if he wanted to use it regularly.

How’d you get on with speaking to him @Dani6?

He doesn’t contribute

Maybe he would prefer to pay for the monthly shower gel whilst you pay the rent and all the bills then ….

Sorry, but my tolerance for the opposite sex means he would have plonked himself in the LTB category. DO NOT mess with my toiletries

This is weird. I don't care if my DH uses my stuff and I buy fancy skincare 🤣 I just buy it all from the joint account. His choice what he wants to use....

I have suggested it and he was against it, but now has said he will do it a little begrudgingly, his reason is because he is trying to save for us to get a house, so he doesn’t feel he needs to contribute much. I have worked out the problem and it’s that I spend majority of all my part time wages on everything house, shopping & kids related. It’s an unfair balance, as I’m spending as much as him with a full time salary. Then he tops me up if I’m low, which is degrading. I have put to him that I can go back to work full time, but the nursery fees will be well over a grand a month and I’m not paying that all. Anyway the point is he said he will do it now, so we will see how it goes. He either wants to work together or not. I realise now I’m getting annoyed because I’m paying for everything with the little money I have. Thank you to everyone who made me see the issue here.

Well done OP.

That’s great that he’s going to do it. Make sure you set up every single family or household bill and expense to come out of the joint account.

You can still save for a house out of the joint account. Why should he get all the glory of saying he saved for the house? It’s both of You working and saving. Set up a standing order from the joint account for the same amount he has been saving into a joint saving account and transfer everything he has saved so far into the joint saving account. Have you seen how much he has saved?

I wonder sometimes if a lot of men prefer women's toiletries. They prefer the colours, smells, what the products promise to do, but feel like they don't have 'permission' to use them because they're men, and so the only way they allow themselves to use non macho products is to steal their partner's products.

Also, not sure what your dynamic is in the house, but sometimes this is covert way of putting the responsibility of household things on you. You end buying things for him as if you were his mother - toothpaste, shampoo, soap ect. You might then end up doing his laundry too as he waits until you do yours and adds something of his into your basket. It means he doesn't think of having to do his own laundry like an adult. If he has any macho hang ups about doing housework, he gets to simply toss clothing your way just like he did his mum when he was a teenager, and opt-out on household chores he finds that are beneath him (but not beneath you obviously).

@doadeer

This is weird. I don't care if my DH uses my stuff and I buy fancy skincare 🤣 I just buy it all from the joint account. His choice what he wants to use....

@doadeer I definitely understand why women would be perplexed at the OPs reaction, but often there's more going on underneath the surface. For example, some people might have grown up in a big family where they felt nothing was truly theirs. Other women might get really upset that some has touched their precious self care items and done things like not put the lid back on. Other resent having someone lean on them to provide them with basic toiletries, which can be a sign of lazyness on the men's part.

Of course you can bloody well have your own stuff OP and not expect him to use it.

I choose to buy Molton Brown soap, shower gel, shampoo etc and Clinque face stuff. It's mine. I save my spends or get things as gifts. My DP can use the run of the mill soap, shampoo etc that is in the bathroom.