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Original poster

Would you send this letter?

70 replies

OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:36

DH's parents divorced when he was young. Mum remarried and had 3 more children when DH was in teens. Treatment of DH and his sister and the 3 half siblings is laughable (could give examples but trying to keep this brief). DH has always just accepted it and got on with it

2 years ago we went on holiday together- MIL, StepFIL, the 3 half siblings, me, DH and our 1 year old DS. It was awful and we realised that the uneven treatment (and sometimes just downright nastiness) would also be applied to DS. We decided to just disengage with them since (tho they prob havent noticed!)

Since then we've had another baby and MIL and stepFIL have moved 500 miles away. She keeps asking about when we are coming up or suggesting things away together.

We have written a letter. It isnt ranty, it basically says 'I believe I have been treated unfairly, - here are some examples- we dont want this to rub off on the children so we keep our distance'.

It would be a bombshell.

Would you send it? Or just carry on making excuses?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:43

Sorry I missed out a key word - the DIFFERENCE between the treatment of DH and his sister vs the 3 younger ones is laughable.

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 20:43

What made you both decide to send the letter, and what outcome are you hoping for?

Theunamedcat · 27/07/2021 20:45

Well if your having nothing to do with them anyway the truth will hardly hurt them

KormasABitch · 27/07/2021 20:46

Only send it if you want nothing more to do with them, ever.

It's tricky because (a) no one is perfect, including parents, annoyingly and (b) his mum might have been in a very different position financially with the second lot of kids than she was with your DH; and she might have him filed under "adult who doesn't need looking after."

RogueV · 27/07/2021 20:47

Send it

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 27/07/2021 20:47

It would be a grand statement. Do you want that?

What do you want to achieve?

DPotter · 27/07/2021 20:47

Fine to write the letter - helps to clarify for yourselves how you feel.

But don't send the letter. However carefully you phrase it, the letter will be used against you.

Keep the high ground.

Invite them to visit you - quote difficulty of travelling with 2 small children and how it would be nice for the grandchildren to have their grandparents fully and undivided attention (although that could be seen as a bit PA!). Highly unlikely they'll take up the invitation, but you've played the game and everyone can be happy

Cockenspiel · 27/07/2021 20:47

What’s your goal / what do you want to achieve from the letter?

MichelleScarn · 27/07/2021 20:47

I wouldn't, whatever you write they will call you dramatic "you KNOW that's not the case"
You won't get the closure or acknowledgement needed. Write it, burn it.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 20:48

This is your husbands decision and his decision alone op. You can’t lead him, randoms on here can’t, this is his and his alone.

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 27/07/2021 20:48

Ooo. Hello @RogueV. Look at our similar UNs!
Mine is longer, so obviously I win

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 20:49

I’m also uncomfortable with the “we” have written a letter, it should be him who wrote it, not you. It’s his parents.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:49

I think we both felt we keep making excuses. 2bh I want them to know the truth whereas DH isnt that fussed about that.

We would be prepared not to have any contact if that's what it came to.

It's not so much financial, DH understands that changes. But the way FIL speaks to him is just so markedly different. We had DD 10 months ago, FIL hasnt met her yet. He once joked he would punch DS in the face to show one of his other sons what an actual crying baby looks like.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:50

@Bluntness100 we just wanted some differing opinions.

OP posts:
DerAlteMann · 27/07/2021 20:54

If you feel the need to ask the question - don't send it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/07/2021 20:54

2bh I want them to know the truth whereas DH isnt that fussed about that.
Why do you imagine you get to say what happens here?! That's quite a serious overstep. It's not your place to dictate anything.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:57

I dont? If it was me I would have told them where to go years ago. But it isnt, it is DH. So we haven't. I bite my tongue when his birthday gets ignored and he is told no one is arsed to see him. I always have done because it's his family (and what is funny is i posted about this years ago and got attacked for not stepping in. So I'm judged either way on MN).

However the decision to keep our children protected from it is a joint decision and rightly so.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/07/2021 21:02

He once joked he would punch DS in the face to show one of his other sons what an actual crying baby looks like
If it was me I would completely disengage after a comment like that and tell MIL why.
I wouldn’t send a letter or make or make excuses just say no

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 21:06

I think we were both just so shocked we didnt - that nugget was on the holiday.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 27/07/2021 21:06

I sent mil a selectivity worded message...
She told everyone we had taken her dgc away.
Dh - and def me - were labelled the baddies..she told everyone and their granny..
Risk you take op but I wouldn't recommend it. Mil walked away smelling of roses...
She ruined our honeymoon after she wrongly assumed a wedding invite..
Wish we had just kept making feeble and obviously shite excuses..
Or write a letter and burn it unsent...

LawnFever · 27/07/2021 21:07

I think we both felt we keep making excuses. 2bh I want them to know the truth whereas DH isnt that fussed about that.

You’ve answered your own question, this is up to him not you, this will destroy what relationship they still have, it’s not for you to decide

Notnowkate · 27/07/2021 21:07

I would waste energy on a letter either. What you need to understand about people like this is a letter like that would have no impact anyway because they are totally indifferent to another person's pain or the role they play in causing it. I'd just disengage. You're never going to get even the slightest glimmer of acknowledgement that they have cause pain with their behaviour.

Notnowkate · 27/07/2021 21:08

That should say I would NOT waste the energy x

Logmein · 27/07/2021 21:08

I haven't and wouldn't, I just went NC.
There will always be a bullshit excuse and it does harm.
If your DH isn't bothered, then leave it as it really is up to him.
You can protect your children, I did when I realised that they had started to treat my children with indifference when they had 'their own' grandchild!

greenlynx · 27/07/2021 21:09

I wouldn’t send a letter. I would travel to see them ( if you want to) but wouldn’t stay at their house. Or they could come to you but again without staying in your house. I would never leave my children alone with them, watch them as a hawk and challenge calmly and seriously every act of inappropriate behavior. This comment about punching your DS’s face is absolutely horrible.
My dad is a bit like this. He once commented about DD’s abilities when she was about 1 years old. She has disability. I told him quite a few words straight away about his parenting involvement as well. It was zero in my case. It wasn’t calm of course, DH said that the whole neighborhood probably could hear it but with my Dad you should be like this, politeness wouldn’t work. He’s not interested in DD but never risked commenting again openly.