Would you send this letter?

[OhToBeASeahorse]

DH's parents divorced when he was young. Mum remarried and had 3 more children when DH was in teens. Treatment of DH and his sister and the 3 half siblings is laughable (could give examples but trying to keep this brief). DH has always just accepted it and got on with it

2 years ago we went on holiday together- MIL, StepFIL, the 3 half siblings, me, DH and our 1 year old DS. It was awful and we realised that the uneven treatment (and sometimes just downright nastiness) would also be applied to DS. We decided to just disengage with them since (tho they prob havent noticed!)

Since then we've had another baby and MIL and stepFIL have moved 500 miles away. She keeps asking about when we are coming up or suggesting things away together.

We have written a letter. It isnt ranty, it basically says 'I believe I have been treated unfairly, - here are some examples- we dont want this to rub off on the children so we keep our distance'.

It would be a bombshell.

Would you send it? Or just carry on making excuses?

They sound bloody awful.
I'd send the letter and walk away.

Don't send the letter. Just go no contact and block them. Silence is a message in itself.

I would write it, but I wouldn't send it. And I speak as someone who did write a very firey letter as a teenager to a family member, promised my parents I'd burn it, then put it in the post instead. You can't control the narrative once it's out there, and it's likely to give them all the ammo they need to paint you both as the bad guys. It won't do anything positive: nothing will change for the better, and a lot might change for the worse.

It sounds like your DH needs to go NC with both his mum and SD, and his biological father. It's heartbreaking to think a decent human can be treated so badly, and I can imagine it's really difficult to watch, but it's freeing to walk away and live well. All you can do is support him and love him and raise your children to have good, strong boundaries around how they are treated by others.

It doesn't sound like they will reform and improve. More likely you'll just get another barrage of insults after your letter. I wouldn't bother to send it.

Next time they invite you, tell them no, you don't want to, and tell them why. Don't make it a comparison with the other siblings, just that you're not willing to be insulted or have your kids spoken to the way they do. Regardless of other siblings and their respective relationships, one like that is one you can do without.

I think it can be good to write a letter, it's an opportunity to present thoughts in a calm way rather than an emotion filled argument. A few suggestions -
The letter should come from DH only, not from you.
The letter should be addressed and sent to his mother only, not to the step father or siblings. It's his mother who has failed in her duty of care to her son and allowed the behaviour of the step father. The siblings are just a product of their environment, learned behaviour.
There should be clear, specific, examples given, not just what happened but how it made him feel and the effect it's had on his life.
He should state the outcome he wants from the letter. Is he writing to cut all contact? Would he like them to work on their relationship as a family? Would he like to continue a relationship with his mum but not the others? If so, include an invitation for her to visit alone with no bad feeling.

Your poor DH really has been dealt a bad hand with families! Thank goodness he has you and your own kids now. Cut off contact with his father too, perhaps a similar letter to him.

I think I agree with not sending the letter (at least for the time being) by all means write it down - it often helps to clear your mind if you set it out in writing, but don't send. I think if you send it, it will just be another stick for them to beat you with.
Just stop seeing them - you don't need them in your lives. I would tell them if they ask - I think the statement about punching the baby is total justification for you to say ' we can;t have our children around that sort of abuse and threatening talk'.
As for your DH's bio father and his emails - I would delete and not read - they are obviously all going to be abusive - there's no need for your DH to subject himself to that - Emails don't have to be read - you have a choice.

I had complicated family relarionships myself - and I have been so much happier since I decidded to protect myself and not see people who were doing me mental harm. I don;t need people being nasty to me or my children, so I removed those people from my life.
Concentrate on your own family, you as a couple and your children, concentrate on having a lovely happy life together.

Really these awful people don't deserve an explanation - if they have the slightest bit of insight they will know why you no longer want to see them.

@OhToBeASeahorse

This is helpful thanks. To be clear DH wants to send it because he wants to be clear about why we are distant.

Why not keep to the important facts then - your husband threatened to punch DS in the face to show DN what a crying baby looked like?

Because they will.just minimise it and say it was a joke.

It is interesting that your DH's mother married 2 men who were abusive to her children and she has facilitated your DH's stepfathers unacceptable behaviour to your husband. The problem with a letter is that is a piece of evidence that is always there. Could your DH arrange to meet his mother without stepfather present and make a list of points to hand so he can have a thorough conversation with his mother concerning the stepfather behaviour and her facilitation of it and the damaging impact it had caused. It is rubbish for your husband.

No, it's just causing drama. Just carry on with your excuses and the rest of your lives. You barely see them so it's not like any action is really required, so why go looking for trouble? If your H wants to have it out with his mother that's his prerogative but in your position I'd steer well clear.

I agree with another pp so said that his mum has facilitated these to men to abuse him. If she was going to stick up for her son, she would have done it by now. She hasn't. That makes her an abuser too.

He has to cut contact with the whole disgraceful lot of them.

So in terms of excuses, what do we do - literally never see them again and just keep making stuff up? That's not aggressive btw, we just feel so lost. Perhaps it is inappropriate to say we but we've been together 13 years and though I didnt see his childhood I have seen 13 years of treatment and can see it happening with our little ones too.
MIL wants to come and stay in Sept. Step fil hasnt mentioned coming, is clearly not fussed about meeting his 'granddaughter'.

Just tell her the date doesn't work for you.. To every date.
Respond that you are very busy but will send her a catch up card at Xmas..
More than we do for mil /fil.
Send the naffest card you can find...
No regrets about being nc with ils. Dh said he felt like a weight had been lifted..

@OhToBeASeahorse

Because they will.just minimise it and say it was a joke.

Just reply to the email with 'it is not a joke, we don't find it funny threatening to punch our ds. This combined with past behaviours is why we will not be visiting for you to meet dd'

Your poor DH. He's been dealt such a shit hand. That comment about punching your DS is just appalling, how could anyone think that was funny?

I'll go against the general grain here and say yes send a letter, but it needs to come from your DH rather than jointly.

@30degreesandmeltinghere had good wording if you don't want to go completely no contact.

I went NC with my awful mum about 6yrs ago and I emailed her a very long mail saying why - in hindsight I would have kept it factual and brief but at the time I wanted to express how shit she made me feel and what a fucking toxic abusive bitch she is. I didn't swear or name call, but it would have been very apparent how angry I was.

She has never tried to contact me since then apart from one brief episode 2yrs ago where she apparently had a UTI and was delirious and kept leaving voicemails saying she knew I was in trouble and she was calling the police to keep me safe. I then had the police call me, which was fun. My cousin contacted me during that time and it transpired that she had never told anyone that we were NC - she'd continued to just make stuff up about me to family if they enquired after me, total inventions about how I'd got a new job and was very busy, to explain why I wasn't ever appearing at family events (not that there were ever many of those anyway.)

But I think that my experience is very different to most who go through cutting contact. Hysterical denunciations, repeated violation of requests not to contact, threats of suicide, faked illness, flying monkeys - all of these are possible reactions to the letter. So I think before sending any letter, you and DH need to sit down and think through how you are going to handle any of that.

You might want to have a read through the Stately Homes threads on this board where many posters have shared their experiences of going NC. I also second Atilla's suggestion that your DH has a read of Toxic Parents.

If I was your DH I'd block his bio dad's emails now - if he's not sure how, just google "how to block email sender on Gmail/Outlook/whatever".

Just block them all, completely. Emails, phone numbers etc. Return to sender any letters.

I too would want to send it, but like you would worry whether it would be used to hurt him further. So whether you send or not, block them entirely as well.

Letters don't always go down well. Meet up with them and then if there are examples, raise them there and then

My own experience of this was that my DM totally exploited the letter to all and sundry to make her look the victim of a delusional liar (me) and lots of her cronies and flying monkeys lapped up every word. However, I was at the point of no return and had decided to cut her out of my life. Awful, abusive people seem to get away with their crimes because they manipulate others. It's almost impossible to counter this behaviour.

However, my therapist advised me to write a short sharp note to my DB, who was my DMs sidekick in my abusive childhood stating

'In light of my past relationship with you I no longer want any further contact. Please do not contact me again.'

No complaining, no explaining, no fodder for the monkeys. Job done. But are you ready to go fully no contact?

Imagine if MIL & StepFIL wrote to your DH listing all the reasons why they were justified in treating him differently, that he's a disappointment to them because of XYZ reason, that he's unsupportive and treats them badly etc etc. Of course, you would be outraged and highly unlikely to think yeah, they have a point.

Well, that's how your MIL & StepFIL will react to reading a letter from your DH, because while you and your DH know it to be your truth, his mum and step dad will not be viewing their behaviour through the same lens as you. Your DH 's point of view will be as outrageous and alien to them as it would be to the two of you if they sent an equivalent letter to your DH.

Just disengage, be unavailable and let contact fizzle naturally (I say this as someone who went no-contact with my own parents for 15 years so I know it's easier said than done, but doable nonetheless).

Of course they would, to contemplate that DH is right would be to admit to too much so neither of them would allow themselves to do it.

I think he is still thinking. During these horrible messages by FIL DH said 'mum is phoning me. Course this just gives her the opportunity to play holier than thou'. He would never have said anything like thay even 2 years ago.