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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you send this letter?

70 replies

OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 20:36

DH's parents divorced when he was young. Mum remarried and had 3 more children when DH was in teens. Treatment of DH and his sister and the 3 half siblings is laughable (could give examples but trying to keep this brief). DH has always just accepted it and got on with it

2 years ago we went on holiday together- MIL, StepFIL, the 3 half siblings, me, DH and our 1 year old DS. It was awful and we realised that the uneven treatment (and sometimes just downright nastiness) would also be applied to DS. We decided to just disengage with them since (tho they prob havent noticed!)

Since then we've had another baby and MIL and stepFIL have moved 500 miles away. She keeps asking about when we are coming up or suggesting things away together.

We have written a letter. It isnt ranty, it basically says 'I believe I have been treated unfairly, - here are some examples- we dont want this to rub off on the children so we keep our distance'.

It would be a bombshell.

Would you send it? Or just carry on making excuses?

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 27/07/2021 21:13

I wouldn't send a letter. Just leave it be, get on with your own lives. No need to stir things up and cause more drama.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 21:13

This is helpful thanks. To be clear DH wants to send it because he wants to be clear about why we are distant.

OP posts:
Notnowkate · 27/07/2021 21:21

@OhToBeASeahorse

This is helpful thanks. To be clear DH wants to send it because he wants to be clear about why we are distant.
But they are never going to accept that they have caused him to feel the way he does, jet alone accept responsibility. It really is wasted on people like this. They won't have a sudden personality transplant and be consumed with remorse. They'll just deny any of it is true and leave you both even more enraged at their indifference.
Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 21:24

DH doesnt expect them to see his POV. I think he just feels he should say it rather than constantly making excuses.

OP posts:
KormasABitch · 27/07/2021 21:26

@OhToBeASeahorse

DH doesnt expect them to see his POV. I think he just feels he should say it rather than constantly making excuses.
He might feel more comfortable saying things on paper than face to face.

Leave it to him, if he has unspoken stuff that needs to be said.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 27/07/2021 21:30

Imo just keep it factual and non PA as much as you want to rant..
And it should come from dh..
Hi dm /df, we feel unable to visit and spend time together as unfortunately I don't feel we have the sort of relationship that constitutes us packing our dc up and doing family stuff ..
We hope you are well and will send updates and a card at xmas.
Beat wishes op's dh.
I went nc with my dm. She sent Woe Is Me letters.. I sent similar to my suggestion.. Never heard another word! Over 9 years now. Not a text or a card...

MartyHart · 27/07/2021 21:32

Don't waste your energy.
If mil says would you like to come and see us, just say no thanks.
They won't see the light.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 21:34

Thanks everyone

Poor DH has been dealt a shitty hand. His bio dad is an abusive alcoholic who calls him names and is currently writing him and his sister out of his will.

It breaks my heart that he has learnt to accept such awful behaviour.

OP posts:
NEVERENDINGST0RY · 27/07/2021 22:29

i would send it so theres no loose ends and they know where they stand and why you have distanced.

LemonRoses · 27/07/2021 22:32

I think it has to be said, not written.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 22:40

We did discuss saying it but we felt they would just argue or Dah wouldnt quite say what he wanted to. Also the risk of the kids being involved in unpleasantness...

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 22:54

It seems to me that your DH would be much better off without these toxic people in his life. If he feels ready for that, then either send a letter and then block all communication afterwards (including from flying monkey relatives), or alternatively write the letter, burn it and just go no contact.

Perhaps if he were to read up on FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) it might make the decision easier for him.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 23:07

@ahoyshipmates ge definitely would. We had some counselling a while ago and she asked him why he didnt just challenge stuff as we went along and he couldnt answer it. He just said there was no point.

I honestly want to cry for him. His dad has just called him a prick and a dickhead and his face... I want to scream at them but I know I cant.

OP posts:
ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 23:10

OMG that's appalling. What a bastard.

Your poor DH has been their victim for so long he can't see past it, can he?

rejectedcarrit · 27/07/2021 23:18

@OhToBeASeahorse

This is helpful thanks. To be clear DH wants to send it because he wants to be clear about why we are distant.
You don't owe them that, just let the relationship drift. Don't make any effort t visit them, keep contact low, give back what they put in or less, when/if challenged, tinkly laugh..'don't be silly, we've just been so busy' etc

They will turn it back on your poor DH if you challenge their bad behaviour. The best revenge is a happy life without them in it.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 27/07/2021 23:18

The names from his dad have pushed him over the edge and I don't think he will ever speak to him again. There is a hurt that I've not seen before.

But the rest he just seems to accept. His stepdad is just so emotionless towards him but with his own it's like trying to win father of the year, its nauseating. And his mum just allows it.

He deserves so much better. I know I'm biased but he is so genuinely lovely. I'm not. I can hold a grudge and I'm judgemental. But DH is just so thoroughly decent.

OP posts:
TheChampIsHere · 27/07/2021 23:24

I’d just cut contact. They live a good distance away so would be easy. A letter invites a reply and drama that I wouldn’t want. Some people don’t deserve your time, thought or explanation. They will know what they’ve done.

ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 23:59

He deserves so much better Yes, he does.

The sad truth is that it is never going to happen, no matter what he does, and he needs to accept that. The fault does not lie with him. These people are despicable and they will never change and there is no point in hoping.

He needs to cut contact with them completely now.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 28/07/2021 00:01

I agree. 3 more emails from his dad in the last 10 mins, all awful.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 28/07/2021 08:51

What do you want the outcome to be?

SarahBellam · 28/07/2021 08:55

Because if you think they are going to be hotties at their behaviour and apologise that’s not going to happen. They will feel aggrieved, that you are being precious and ungrateful. You aren’t going to change their behaviour. You can only change your response to it. This is your DH’s battle so don’t pressurise him into anything he doesn’t want to do…and make sure you know what he wants, not what you think he wants.

Original poster
OhToBeASeahorse · 28/07/2021 09:06

He doesn't have any expectation that they will suddenly see the light. Think he is just tired of the pretence.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2021 09:21

Any letter, no matter how carefully worded, will be used by them against the two of you so I would not send it.

Is your DH still in counselling?. He probably sat there in silent as well because of his FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and inertia; both installed into him from a young age and both hurt him to present day. He was dealt a poor hand to say the least here it's not his fault they are the ways they are.

I would encourage him to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and to look at the Out of the Fog website.

He also needs to block his dad from sending him yet more emails.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2021 09:26

It's not your place. My ex sister in law is still furious about how my family treated my brother as a child and in adulthood, but she wasn't there. I was, and I know how it all really happened.

If your DH feels moved to write this letter then that's up to him, but stay well away from it. They'll assume that anything with your name on it will have been instigated and dictated by you.

It's his childhood, you weren't part of it.

SprayedWithDettol · 28/07/2021 09:31

Just block them and have done with it. A letter will never have the desired effect that you want. It will be used, in perpetuity, to show everyone that their opinion of you was ‘justified’. Silence is more dignified and probably far more annoying for them too.

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