Devastated. Other woman and says he never loved me

[ilikeeggs]

I’m so hurt and sad right now.

Been with my partner for 12 years, 2 kids and was supposed to get married earlier this year but cancelled the wedding due to covid.

Ive suspected something was going on for a while as I could see he was constantly messaging someone and was glued to his phone and wouldn’t let it out of his sight.
I finally found the courage to confront him over it this morning and he admitted he’s been talking to a woman and he’s fallen for her though apparently haven’t been meeting up. The woman is someone from his past but hasn’t seen in person for a long time.

There has been problems in the relationship for a long time but I foolishly thought he still had feelings for me. He then said he’s never been in love with me and shouldn’t have ever started a relationship with me but was in a bad place at the time after his first marriage ended. I’m just so hurt by this. We’ve been together 12 years! I believe he’s telling the truth as he said he wishes I could find another man so I guess he doesn’t have feelings for me.
I don’t know what to do, I just feel sick and can’t stop crying.
I’m in a terrible position too as I’m a Sahm after the youngest was born last year and we aren’t married.
If the kids weren’t here I’d probably do something stupid.

So sorry and I’m pants in these situations hopefully someone constructive will come along. What is the housing situation?

Just to add not sure what you mean by stupid. If you mean murder him or harm yourself. He isn’t worth it!

Didn´t want to read an run OP, but this is a classic case of rewriting history from his current feelings. It's very commonplace, especially when infidelity is in the way. It´s his way of justifying himself and absolving himself of responsibility. My husband´s best friend did this, and tried to peddle this never been in love rubbish. Please don´t listen to him, you know how it was, whatever it is now. And be kind to yourself, please talk to someone in real life asap, for your mental health first. It is a very heavy load to carry on one´s own.

The kids are there so put doing something stupid out of your mind. You're going to feel like crap for a while but those feelings will pass.

You need a short term plan to get through the next few days. What can you do to keep the kids occupied while you get some strength back?

Then longer term, do you rent or own/ have a mortgage? Look into your benefit entitlement, if you need to rent look up the LHA entitlement for your area. Check how much maintenance he'll need to pay (and remind him that the CMS amount is a minimum, not a max).

You'll get through this. One day at a time.

You need to be aware that men in these situations will often re-write history (so as to make it sub-consciously easier to deal with the guilt they feel). So it is extremely unlikely that he was never in love with you. He's just saying that now to justify to himself his liaison with this other woman.
Another point; if he's communicating through message only, could he be suffering from infatuation or addiction to the 'high' he gets from receiving messages from her?

What a jerk.

So sorry OP. Hugs.

Agree with others - the rewriting of history is a classic. He was in love with you but if he now has to admit that it means he’s screwing up a perfectly good relationship, so he has to pretend to himself and everyone else that this one was flawed from the start and was never going to work, no matter how hard he tried. He will also no doubt invent something you did that makes you inherently unloveable so please don’t be blindsided if and when that happens, it’s all part of the script.

Sadly the script also includes the fact that he hasn’t actually cheated, it’s all just messages/emotional and that she is his soul mate and one true love so to stand in their way would be cruel and unjust.

It’s all bullshit. He’s emotionally checked out, please don’t do the “pick me” dance by trying to convince him that you’re the one for him. Close down, stop confiding in him, he’s not your friend, stop fulfilling any wifely duties including cooking and washing etc for him, just concentrate on you and your DC, start to build a life for yourself without him.

Either you’ll succeed and be happier without him in the long run or he’ll panic and see that you’re not going to beg him to stay, will realise what he’s missing and have a wobble about the whole thing, at which point, YOU can decide if you want to make it work with him and what he needs to do in order for that to happen - spoiler alert - he needs to move out, to lose his home comforts and to feel the loss of you to get it. He’s an idiot and is thinking with his dick. To engage his brain he needs a dose of cold hard reality - this is your life as a separated man - kids are with him once or twice a week at least so that you can get dressed up and go out with friends, family, another man etc.

I know it feels counterintuitive when you just want him to stay and make it all ok, but humans are stupid and want what they can’t have. He knows he can have you so he’s taking you for granted and looking elsewhere. Take yourself off the menu.

Thank you all for the replies. I have nobody I can talk to in real life so it helps to vent here.
I don’t think I’d hurt myself, just feeling really low at the moment.
Wish it wasn’t the school holidays as I’m not in a good state to entertain the kids and don’t want to my eldest to see me upset.

Sadly I think he may have never loved me. I can only remember him saying if one time but I thought he just wasn’t good at expressing it. We’ve never been sexually compatible so maybe this was always going to happen eventually. I did think he loved me in some way and has feelings for me though which is why I’m shocked and hurt.

He did mention this woman had got in touch with him last year but I thought they were just friends and because they both grew up in the same religious cult they were just talking about that. Then recently it’s become non stop messaging and when I go near him he’s quickly exit the messaging app or turn the phone towards himself.

He’s changed a lot recently, started going to the gym a lot, taking selfie’s all the time and got his first tattoo. Could this be a mid life crisis?

I’ve felt angry towards him for a while as he does absolutely nothing to help with the kids, I do everything. I cook dinner every day and he will wash up a few times a week but that’s it.

We own a house, both names on mortgage. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

He’s changed a lot recently, started going to the gym a lot, taking selfie’s all the time and got his first tattoo. Could this be a mid life crisis?

This type of behaviour is common when someone starts an affair. The gym is an excellent cover story for disappearing for a couple of hours and why he'd come back freshly showered.

I'm sorry OP, he's a shit. You will get through this

• it's going to be really hard but you will get to the other side. And not being with this lazy crap dad means you will be free to eventually meet someone who treats you with respect instead of letting you run yourself ragged.

If you're the kind of person who can't eat at times like these, try to push yourself to have soups, smoothies, protein drinks - your body needs to keep going.

Can you call a friend or family member? Please don't feel embarrassed to do so, it's okay to ask for support. The only person embarrassed should be him, the cheating fuckwit.

I'm glad that at least you are half owner of your house.

This is a heartbreaking situation for you ilikeeggs.

For what it is worth, I believe he did love you or he would not have been with you for years and had two children. What he is experiencing now is an intense infatuation which makes all previous 'loves' pale in comparison.

Quite honestly I think you would be better apart. Seeing him all the time must make it worse for you.

I wish you well whatever you do and you have my sympathy.

Rewriting history is typical of people in a break-up. He never loved you... so he says. So that makes him an emotional fraudster or a liar, or both. He wants you to find another man, not out of kindness, but because then he wouldn't have to feel such a shit for the way he's treating you.

I don't know what you'll do but sensible things would be...

See a solicitor about a (rapid) divorce and protecting your financial interests.
Throw him out.
Make a claim for child support.
Remember, he did this. Not you. Righteous indignation, and blind fury, are helpful emotions.
Keep posting. There are people here who know more about this than me. I've been there, but long ago. What I took from that experience was that a) life is better without someone who doesn't want to be with you b) a short, sharp ending is best. Get it all sorted out and move on.

Good luck.

Thanks all for the advice. I actually feel more angry now.. he’s been here all day as working from home and been carrying on as normal, making himself lunch and just told me he was going to the gym. I’ve barely eaten all day and feel so depressed. He can make his own f-ing dinner tonight!

I wish you were all right and he did actually love me but I’m not sure.
I guess we’ll be talking more tonight once the kids are in bed.

I can understand feeling low but don’t let it be any more than that.

If he is behaving so normally now I can guarantee he was out of your relationship heart body and soul a long time ago.

By all means talk but I don’t think he will have anything hopeful for you. He may still care what happens to you but he stopped caring about you when he checked out.

So you owe him nowt. No dinner. No laundry. No home comforts.

12 years is a long time to be with someone who casually tells you he doesn’t love you and never did.

Don’t make it 13.

I’m so sorry OP. Please take care of yourself and focus on getting through these first few days. Then, your strength will come and you will start planning your life without him, and you will be happy, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. Take on all the good advice of previous posters.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script Have a read of this.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Agree with others - the rewriting of history is a classic. He was in love with you but if he now has to admit that it means he’s screwing up a perfectly good relationship, so he has to pretend to himself and everyone else that this one was flawed from the start and was never going to work, no matter how hard he tried. He will also no doubt invent something you did that makes you inherently unloveable so please don’t be blindsided if and when that happens, it’s all part of the script.

Sadly the script also includes the fact that he hasn’t actually cheated, it’s all just messages/emotional and that she is his soul mate and one true love so to stand in their way would be cruel and unjust.

It’s all bullshit. He’s emotionally checked out, please don’t do the “pick me” dance by trying to convince him that you’re the one for him. Close down, stop confiding in him, he’s not your friend, stop fulfilling any wifely duties including cooking and washing etc for him, just concentrate on you and your DC, start to build a life for yourself without him.

Either you’ll succeed and be happier without him in the long run or he’ll panic and see that you’re not going to beg him to stay, will realise what he’s missing and have a wobble about the whole thing, at which point, YOU can decide if you want to make it work with him and what he needs to do in order for that to happen - spoiler alert - he needs to move out, to lose his home comforts and to feel the loss of you to get it. He’s an idiot and is thinking with his dick. To engage his brain he needs a dose of cold hard reality - this is your life as a separated man - kids are with him once or twice a week at least so that you can get dressed up and go out with friends, family, another man etc.

I know it feels counterintuitive when you just want him to stay and make it all ok, but humans are stupid and want what they can’t have. He knows he can have you so he’s taking you for granted and looking elsewhere. Take yourself off the menu.

This 100%. In his presence be strong and detached. Let it all out when you are on your own or with friends. Just take baby steps and you WILL get through this ❤

I think I'd be more inclined to go to sleep than talk with him tonight, when the children are in bed. Be indifferent.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. What an absolute bellend to treat another human as he's treated you.

I know you feel shit right now. But this is a good thing. He's freed you to find someone who will tell you they love you, every single day, and mean it. You deserve no less, and it would be good for you to figure out how you stayed with someone for so long who only said it once.

Stay strong - onwards and upwards. You deserve so much more

I do feel like he’s rewriting history especially when he was saying he shouldn’t have got with me in the first place. Surely if you didn’t love someone you wouldn’t stay with them for 12 years! Now I’m wondering if he ever found me attractive or whether that was a lie as well.

Things have been weird between us for a while and there’s been no affection as he never shows it but I thought he just struggled to show it. He says he never should have proposed to me or has kids with me but he did it because he thought he should. Just so heartbroken over everything he said this morning.
I don’t even know where to start with all the practical stuff my heads such a mess.

He said he’s not met her but a few months ago he came home with 2 half empty water bottles and one has lipstick on it.. it definitely wasn’t mine. It made me wonder if he was cheating at the time but I guess I ignored it until I had more evidence. I’m so stupid it was so obvious really.

Of course he loved you! He settled down, made a home, got engaged and had children with you, didn't he?

Keep reading MarkRuffaloCrumble’s post.

Not only is he callous enough to have an emotional affair and walk off with nary a thought, he is trying to damage you further with a fuckyou reason.

He is not a good person. Keep reading that post

Do you have any family/friends you could go to with the DC for a few weeks OP if he won’t leave? I know you say you don’t have anyone to talk to in RL but is that because you don’t want to tell them out of misplaced embarrassment etc?

If you were my DD, sibling or a friend, I’d want to do all I could to help including getting you financial advice. Would child maintenance cover the mortgage if you claim Universal Credit until you agree on what to do with the house? Could you go back to work with help from tax credits for childcare?

No matter who you thought he was, you have seen what kind of a person he really is that he drops this bomb on you and carries on as normal, even going to the ‘gym’ leaving you to deal with his DC while devastated by his actions.

What a scumbag.

I have nobody I can talk to irl. I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents right now and they will be devastated so will feel guilty. I haven’t really got any close friends that I feel I can open up to.

I feel sick and can’t stand the sight of him but I also feel we need to talk about the practical stuff and I want him to know how angry and hurt I am.

Well, he's an idiot. At least you were spending this time with somebody that you loved. Past tense now.

Very painful to accept this but you're not the one who spent a decade+ with a partner they never loved. He sounds like a weak, indecisive, irresponsible man.