Devastated. Other woman and says he never loved me

[ilikeeggs]

I’m so hurt and sad right now.

Been with my partner for 12 years, 2 kids and was supposed to get married earlier this year but cancelled the wedding due to covid.

Ive suspected something was going on for a while as I could see he was constantly messaging someone and was glued to his phone and wouldn’t let it out of his sight.
I finally found the courage to confront him over it this morning and he admitted he’s been talking to a woman and he’s fallen for her though apparently haven’t been meeting up. The woman is someone from his past but hasn’t seen in person for a long time.

There has been problems in the relationship for a long time but I foolishly thought he still had feelings for me. He then said he’s never been in love with me and shouldn’t have ever started a relationship with me but was in a bad place at the time after his first marriage ended. I’m just so hurt by this. We’ve been together 12 years! I believe he’s telling the truth as he said he wishes I could find another man so I guess he doesn’t have feelings for me.
I don’t know what to do, I just feel sick and can’t stop crying.
I’m in a terrible position too as I’m a Sahm after the youngest was born last year and we aren’t married.
If the kids weren’t here I’d probably do something stupid.

Op I have a daughter & if this happened to her I would hope she would tell me so I could support her, please don't be embarrassed to tell them or feel guilty none of this is your fault. He is following the script to the letter, all cheating men do it, he needs to convince himself he never loved or cared about you in order to explain why he had a baby with you last year & is now cheating with another woman. Seek legal advice & look up on the government website what you are entitled to financially. Keep posting here for advice & support. Sending you strength. 💐

So sorry OP.

Can you prevail on him to leave the house at least for a few days? It sounds like you need him out of there to find your feet. And surely he can visit this new great love (hah!)?

He sounds spineless and lazy tbh. Deluded, too. But be that as it may, you just need him out of your hair for now.

Of course he's gonna tell this OW he never really cared... he's a Textbook Prick 🙄

@ilikeeggs

I have nobody I can talk to irl. I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents right now and they will be devastated so will feel guilty. I haven’t really got any close friends that I feel I can open up to.

I feel sick and can’t stand the sight of him but I also feel we need to talk about the practical stuff and I want him to know how angry and hurt I am.

The only practical thing you need to do is to tell him to leave. That way you can start sorting out your practical things like benefit claiming.

You do it at your pace, but he needs to leave now, I know its fair easier to write that, than actually do it, but he has made his bed, he can't have it both ways.

Also, tell your parents and keep reading MarkRuffaloCrumble post

If you can’t afford to buy him out or vice versa, then the house will have to be sold and the proceeds split 50/50.

I was you 6 years ago. Except I did tell my parents and good friends pretty quick because I could not keep up a brave face in front of my pre school children. Guess who was more embarrassed.. Me or my ex who had to come face to face with my family when they came to help and he was still floating about the place saying almost identical things as your husband about 'not been happy for ages' 'soulmate' etc. Twat. You have literally nothing to be embarrassed about so please grab that support. And 100% if you can go absolutely cold, aloof, practical right now. Weeping, wailing and pleading feeds the emotional drama and his ego and will not in any way 'work' to reverse this. Put his earnings I to the cms calculator and work out what he'd be paying you. Work out what is likely re contact.. Will he do / want 50/50, unlikely if you're a SAHM or alternate weekends or what? Put the practicalities in front of him ASAP. I gets better, I do promise you.

He’s changed a lot recently, started going to the gym a lot, taking selfie’s all the time and got his first tattoo.
The gym is either his gf's place, or they meet at the gym or somewhere else when he says he's going there. The selfies are to send her. The tattoo is because she has got a tattoo, or they both got the same tattoo, or she encouraged him to get the tattoo he told her you would never let him get. All so familiar, sorry.

Agree with others that it is rewriting history. He's comparing your current relationship after 12 years with the thrill of an affair. The fear of getting caught, the illicit meetings as if you were Romeo and Juliet, and the knowledge it's not allowed make the emotions of an affair far more heightened. He's comparing that with the conveniently vague memory of the start of a normal relationship.

Plus he's been telling the new woman that your relationship never meant anything, as an explanation for why he's acting like it means nothing. They then believe their own story. After more than 20 years my exh told his OW that we had "somehow drifted together" and never even fancied one another when we did. But I remember how excited he was when he first asked me out. I don't accept his new version.

Btw, he wishes I could find another man means he wants to fast-forward to a time when he's off the hook as you've stopped being angry with him, and proven that it was all for the best anyway because you're happy with someone else, so actually he did you a favour rather than acting totally selfishly and thoughtlessly, trampling all over your feelings and leaving you bruised and hurt.

So we had a talk last night and I’m left feeling really confused. He basically backtracked on what he said and now says he didn’t mean it how he said everything and apparently he does love me and doesn’t regret the relationship.

He said he’s just close friends with this other woman and the messages got flirty .

I don’t know what to believe now, I feel like he’s just telling me what I want to hear and maybe because he’s not ready to leave me. I’m sure the woman lives in the area he grew up so about an hour away so don’t think he’s been meeting her when he goes to the gym. He still claims the relationship is all via message.

The other woman is married and unhappy apparently and I can’t help think that they are both waiting until they can be together.
He said he would message her less, didn’t even offer to cut contact.. says it all really! I wouldn’t be unreasonable to insist they cut contact would I? The thing is I would have been ok if it was just a friendship and they weren’t messaging so often as I know he struggles with the religious cult he was brought up in and so was she so it might have been good for him to have someone to talk to about it that understood. Trouble is it’s now more than friends if they have feelings for each other.

He was being really apologetic and affectionate with me tonight which caught me off guard and I let him sleep in bed with me like an idiot.

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m going to focus on getting my ducks in a row this week and start applying for jobs. Need to be prepared for us splitting up I think.

It sounds like either the other woman has back-pedalled a bit (lot?) at the reality of the situation or their love shack ain’t ready to move into. Maybe the financial implications have made his knob shrivel up. I don’t know.

Either way your not so dear h has been bloody cruel and I would be finding someone who wasn’t just out for himself

What a horrendous piece of shit. I'm so sorry. I'm sure he had feelings for you but has retrospectively erased them for convenience. I hope you can find some strength.

I hate backtracking like that. How unfair. How does he sleep at night knowing he's caused this pain to you? Ugh.

I feel like he’s just telling me what I want to hear and maybe because he’s not ready to leave me
More likely because the OW is not ready to leave her dh, as he hasn't found out.

he didn’t mean it how he said everything and apparently he does love me and doesn’t regret the relationship
Why did he say it, then? Why did he say the thing that all cheats say to explain why they were having an affair? Where did that come from?

I’m sure the woman lives in the area he grew up so about an hour away so don’t think he’s been meeting her when he goes to the gym.
My exh claimed he was at the garden centre, among other things. They were shagging in his car, in the woods and once in a brothel that let out rooms.

He still claims the relationship is all via message
My ex denied it all up to the moment he realised I'd read his emails saying exactly what he'd done.

Align your ducks, kick his sorry arse out, remember who you are.

I'm not going to tell you anything else at this stage because after those 3 steps you'll be able to see the wood for the trees and decide for yourself.

When my husband left (for very different reasons but the level of entitlement remains) I drove him to the station to catch his train. I had one song on repeat the entire ride: 99 problems. He got the hint.

I fell apart after the initial anger wore off but am now here, earning and happy.

He's back pedalling because something isn't quite aligned yet, maybe the OW is still to tell her husband or whatever. The fact remains your partner said some terribly hurtful things to you and was rewriting your history together. He might be back pedalling now but this isn't over. He's still messaging and likely to drop you like a hot potato when it suits him. I know it's really hard but take control of the situation. Applying for jobs etc is a great start so keep up that momentum. Get your ducks in a row. Get yourself a running away fund and do your homework on benefit entitlement etc. It feels shit now but it will get better. Sending you hugs x

He's lying.

I never loved you anyway is an excuse. And one with no real comeback.

Makes him feel that he's been more than good. Staying with you all those years out of duty. The kids. Etc.

It's s lie.

My dad said that before he left. I think there may be a script?

He also rang his friends and said he'd met someone and finally he was in love. Wasn't that great!

And was confused when they all said. What about your wife kids etc. Rather than throwing a party.

Let him go/ get rid.

It's such a cruel thing to say. And only to him the victim. In his head.

My dad said that before he left. I think there may be a script?

Yes, here is the script:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

His plans haven’t changed @ilikeeggs they have just been delayed. He will still be in a relationship with her, they have just had to put things on hold for some reason. She’s probably putting things in place to leave her partner. Don’t believe a word he says! You seriously need to get on with plans to be single, finances and other practicalities need sorting.

Even when OW's husband found out and they broke up, exh still couldn't make up his mind about leaving me. It wasn't until I also found out and told him where to go, that he went. Never moved in with her. She wanted a baby; he told her he wanted one too, but told me he couldn't imagine having a baby at 45. I wouldn't assume that your dh is plotting behind your back. He might have been surprised at OW's reaction to the news, or just switched on his brain finally and got cold feet.

I'd also been aware of the OW for a while, but he said he was chatting to her about cancer. He'd gone through it with his mum, and said she'd had a similar experience and was helping him through it. So if I prevented him from talking to her, it meant I didn't care about his mental health or his mum. Is your dh implying this kind of thing?
None of their emails mentioned the subject at all.

Thing is, it's 100% up to you now. I get wanting to redwing time but that's not an option now so do you WANT to go forward? You don't have to. You can choose whether to take him at face value and allow him to backtrack with what doesn't sound like a very plausible story or you can take control. It's really really tempting to do the former but I recommend being brave and looking ahead. The only couple I know who go through an affair successfully was when the guy who'd cheated was genuinely utterly remorseful and completely committed to honesty and to doing whatever it took. Doesn't sound like your H is going to do that.

Be careful op if you agree to let him stay as this will sour the relationship and he has the potential to do this again as hes shown that he’s a fool that gets all excited by someone new and shiny. Disloyal moral coward.
You will be better than him in the end and will be relieved that you ended it.

He was incredibly insensitive and cruel saying something like that. As if being a cheat wasn’t shitty enough. What a cunt! (and I don’t use that often).

Yes op don’t stay with an unkind coward. Relationships change and break down very often but to be cruel to you over what is your life, your kids, your home it’s not on, if he said look over met someone and I have feelings for them and I’m sorry but to tear apart what is a big part of your life and pretend it’s a lie in order to bear looking at himself in the mirror, just no, tell him to jog onto the ‘gym’ and please tell your family, he’s the embarrassment not you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. He is just selfish and awful.

He was convincing himself that he never loved you, because it make easier to be cruel to you.

He is now backtracking. I am guessing he told her, ots all out in the open. And she isn't as enthusiastic to leave her husband.

You dont say you never loved someone and they change your mind not long after. He isn't so sure she will be waiting for him.

Of course he loved you at one time. Don't think about that any more because he did love you

I'd say his current OW has backpeddled and has said she wants more time so he's backpeddled with you

If I were you I'd go and have a freebie appointment with a solicitor. Take photocopies or photos of all the important paperwork and see what you're entitled to.

Have a look to see what benefits you'd be entitled too as well.

Take your time. No rush. Get a sense of how you feel about a future free from him. You might find that you like the idea