My kids and this weekend ? Wtf happenned what now ?

[Armychefbethebest]

So the background is I have 4 children Dd22 who lives with her partner and 14 month old dd , ds19 who moved into his dads last year , dd13 who lives with me and my ds11 who also lives with me. My partner of 3 years we live together and he has a dd21 own place and a ds13 who comes a few nights a week.
So thank you if you are still with me after that , myself and partner had booked a city break after the year everyone has had been trying to work through and also ds13 and my partner needing big operations in the last 12 months it had been quite stressful so my eldest dd 22 volunteers to have ds13 and ds 11 at her place for the weekend as she sometimes does and I have my dgd for her sometimes to give her a break. My ds 19 agrees to dog sit for us so off we go have a lovely weekend, we come back Sunday around lunchtime to find dd13 at home upstairs with 2 off her friends looking very sheepish she asks if she can stay at one of the girls houses , I say yes as I know where they live 12 miles away next street to my oldest daughter and the girls mum is picking them up. I ask ds13 why she was home as I was expecting her to be with my oldest she said she had stayed in our house with her friends as my son was here and he said it was ok then bolted quickly .I called my oldest daughter then who said she believed dd13 was sleeping at the friends house not our house so now alarm bells are ringing. I then go into the yard where there are roll up cigarette end stubbed out . Noone I know smokes roll up and the yard was clean when I left .i ring my eldest son who said yes she stayed but couldnt tell me how many people stayed .By now i know something is amiss but decide i will wait until the next day when dd13 gets back from her friends only the next day i find a bottle of baileys that my daughter had bought for my birthday had been opened and some drank , i messaged my son to ask him about it he said yes sorry he tried some as he had forgot what it was like , but I dont believe him something is off so I look on the iPad upstairs and find a very new convo between ds19 and dd13 him asking If it's her he will cover for her which is followed by a ten minute video call , busted ! I message my dd13 and tell her I want her home immediately I then call my son and he totally lacked any respect his exact word were 'you are a mum of four not m15' I told him at 19 I regarded him as an adult but he had blatantly lied about the alcohol and I was struggling to believe he had actually stayed at the house and he should be more onside with me about his 13 year old sister drinking . I also found the key I had left him in the exact same place that I dont believe he has been there to use so the situation now is my eldest dd wont pick up my calls since I began to piece my youngest daughters location of the weekend together I am annoyed as I left my youngest 2 in her care and I fully believe my daughter has stayed home alone all weekend having a free for all with her mates , my son and I have had a massive argument as according to him I should just let her do as she wishes no rules , no boundaries no repercussions as she will do it anyway so that did not go well after 4 hours of her not coming back and not responding I said that I was going to report her missing as by that time I had no idea where she was and it was getting dark . His response was why would you do that ? You do you ! It turns out she was hiding at my eldest dd and told me she will come home today when I've calmed down.
Mumsnetters where do I go from here I'm going between angry because of what's happenned and also what could of happenned and I'm oblivious in another city thinking everyone is safe. Disappointed because I expected better from all 3 of them and upset just by how now Dd22 wont pick the phone up, Ds thinks it's ok to speak to me like shit and I feel this is the start of a rocky road with my youngest daughter, how would you handle this ?? If you made it this far thank you.

You go very Quiet, you cease to do anything for any of them, you remove the modem/change password, you cease all of you Mum roles.
Watch & wait.
They will be asking for food, laundry, modem, the house will be a mess.
retire to your bedroom, ignore...
They have completely blown your trust, all of them have lied, You don't accept that you do everything for them & get shat on in return.
Game Over

@getsomehelp thank you for your reply yes I feel shat on massively theres only ds 11 who has actually done what was asked of him this weekend , I dont feel right now my eldest son and i will communicate very well so i think that one is best left for a few days and my youngest dd is still with the eldest dd so I will be telling her its hometime yet again just keep dipping from angry to upset at them all . One weekend away and this happens.

Stop telling her to come home. She has already been told, she is refusing.
Could you go out & lock her out? Even better, (don't answer the phone)
Silence

I'm going to take my youngest school uniform shopping in a bit I'm meant to be taking her too but she will get the rest of what she needs when its convenient to me , shes just messaged me to ask to meet me in town to talk and no I wont be doing that either.

Sorry not much to advise but at 13 she's going to rebel so punish her, ground her do what you need to to show her she's done wrong and then leave it. It's the older 2 I would be furious with! You've left her with 2 adults and they've completed betrayed your trust. I would be going very quiet with all of them until they give you an apology and explanation.

Agree with @MrsMiddleMother. DD13 needs to be punished, grounded atc. But I would be absolutely furious with the other two. They are both old enough to know better. And now you are in a position where you can't trust either of them.

Agree with @MrsMiddleMother - the older two are the ones who have really betrayed your trust here. Their behaviour after the fact is as big a problem as the initial act. The fact your older daughter thinks its acceptable to just ignore your calls and that your son is backchatting to you about it, shows their level of respect. The 13 year old is just making the most of a rare opportunity.

I'm sure your older daughter will be sorry once you stop babysitting dgd whenever she wants. What's good for the goose...
As for your son, I'm sure you facilitate things for him that you haven't mentioned in your OP - I wouldn't be doing anything for any of them.

Sorry not much to advise but at 13 she's going to rebel so punish her, ground her do what you need to to show her she's done wrong and then leave it. It's the older 2 I would be furious with! You've left her with 2 adults and they've completed betrayed your trust. I would be going very quiet with all of them until they give you an apology and explanation.

This
DD13 doesn't get to dictate when she comes home. I'd tell herthat the punishment will be worse the longer she stays away.
Your adult children have behaved dispicably, and I would never trust them again, especially in terms of looking after the younger children.

Your older children have shown they cannot be trusted. Very disappointing.

The younger daughter needs to be grounded for quite a long time.

Well, I would try and calm down and then speak to them all individually about responsibility, honesty and trust.

That you do want your Dd to have age appropriate independence but you also have a serious duty of care for her safety, as well as an emotional Mum love and knowing that your teen is in danger is so upsetting.

Your 19 yo Ds clearly does not have the maturity of an adult - he has shown that.

I would tell your Dd that she let you down.

I would go easy on punishments, but I would be keeping closer tabs on your 13 yo and not leaving her again until she has demonstrated trust.

I would be keener to get your Dd to be honest about what happened, and listen to her. As the teen years progress communication is more important in establishing trust and honesty than punishment, IMO.

Grrrrr at them, though.

I would be furious with the older two. 13 year olds are idiots but at 19 and 22 they are adults and should know better. I’d be most annoyed at the 22 year old. How would your daughter feel if you lied to her about the whereabouts and safety of her daughter when you babysit?

Go silent until DD13 is back at home. Then ...
Message to adult son and daughter: You are adults and I cannot punish you. However, I trusted you with my home and your younger siblings and you betrayed that trust. Therefore I cannot trust you ant longer with your siblings welfare. Because you also lied about your behavior, I cannot believe anything further that you say. I still love you, but our relationship is forever changed.
To DD13 - Say goodbye to wife, phone, modem, and visiting friends on the weekends. You will be at school, at home, or with me until I can trust you again. You will have to earn your electronics back with good behavior.
To DS11 - New uniforms, special snack treats, allow an overnight with a friend, etc. Good behavior brings rewards.

That's wifi not wife.

Your young adult children have really, really let you down and are terrible role models for your younger two.

You can't trust them to do the right thing going forward for a while until they've proven they've changed and apologised for their behaviour.

Hi, you need to calm down. They are safe.

You need to speak to them and make them understand that this is about their safety. Nothing to do with being controlling. Ask you elder children what would have happened if one of the kids had gotten so drunk that they've been sick and needed medical care? Because when they're young, alcohol can affect them a lot quicker. I had a friend who needed her stomach pumping at 14.

My kids had a party that got gate crashed because word got out. Their idiot dad had let them unsupervised 13 year olds with alcohol. I got alerted and when I got there one of the kids was on the floor passed out with a sick bucket.

Explain to your daughter how she would feel if when you were looking after her child you just left her at home on her own whilst you went to the shops etc.

I don't think punishing is the answer. Rather understanding that they want freedom etc but it has to come at an appropriate age. And it is all for their safety.

Ooft. No wonder you are furious.
Your older children have badly let you down. On several levels. They were trusted with the care of their siblings and failed to do that and have then colluded to undermine you.
I would be steaming.
Give yourself a few days to calm down.
I agree with the poster suggesting - once calm - that you contact your older children and just say how disappointed you are with them. You trusted them and they have undermined you and put their younger siblings at risk.
I wouldn't threaten to withhold anything, but I wouldn't ask them to help you again in a hurry.
Your 13 yr old I think you need to tread carefully with. Set an appropriate punishment for the drinking and defiance but your older DD has set herself up as an ally so she may well feel freer to push the boundaries with you.

Focus on consequences rather than punishment. It allows u to remain calm in the face of their anger. (Eg - u let me down so no money/take aways etc this week). Keep in mind that consequences r different from withdrawing love - be careful on the ‘freezing them out’ approach- u can b accessible but firm. Silent sulking is not a good parenting strategy.

If u ground teens, that becomes it’s own battlefield, can b difficult to implement and and detracts from their behaviour.

There are a lot of young people involved here who are still acting like kids. The brain doesn’t fully nature until the age of 25. Herein lies your problem.

Tracker on younger DD's phone. Otherwise no phone. Ground her for the summer. No babysitting DGD. Make your boundaries absolutely clear with all four.

I have told my youngest daughter that she has one hour to walk back into the house or I will inform the police that she is a minor refusing to come home , she is probably shit scared of me taking away her phone Wifi and other privileges more than me because at 13 yes we knew everything didnt we I will deal with her age appropriate and I do know shouting and screaming gets you nowhere and I dont need to do that to get my point across the same words said in a normal tone have more effect . She will be staying in for a bit to reflect though it could have gone really wrong for her in so many ways but then her older siblings I thought had more common sense to the pp who mentioned brains not maturing until 25 , my eldest 2 have known my standards and boundaries for 22 and 19 years they know this will have gone against how I do things my daughter is also a mother and has step kids so I think she is of a mature enough level to understand why I would be pissed off about this situation. They have let me down yes but they are also showing their younger sister they think their ways of ignoring me or down right disrespect are ok and that makes my job harder as shes going through these tricky years.I am relieve on the other hand that she is safe and yes the favours to the older ones will be ceasing I will see my granddaughter but time that suits me and my sons cash cow has also just dried up.

I'm sorry you didn't get your peaceful weekend away because if there selfish behaviour.

First, slow down and deep breath.

Your 13yo has tried to arrange to meet you. Honestly, I'd agree a time and neutral place that suits you.

I don't think your eldest has done much wrong. She had the wool pulled over her eyes and took her sister's request to stay with friends at face value. She has been betrayed too. But she also knows it's safer for her sister to be at hers rather than completely running away to who knows where. Be glad they have a good relationship. Yes, your oldest could have told you she was safe at hers. But be realistic, would you then have gone storming round and creating a scene with your grandchild present?

Your son maybe has issues with your style of parenting. But that said, he is only 19 and is being defensive of his little sister. Realise that while he legally is an adult, he has been put in the middle by his youngest sister - potentially a master manipulator given he agreed to cover for her - are you known for extreme overreactions?

So then... let your eldest know you are disappointed that her sibling played you both here. Apologise for the anger but you were worried as well as upset and scared for your youngest.

Your 19yo has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted to look after the dog let alone his sister if he didn't access the key to walk and feed, so future holidays, book a kennel.

As for the 13yo - she has broken your trust and will have to work very hard to rebuild it. Grounding, curfew when you do allow her out. Breach of curfew = another grounding/removal of privileges. However, reward good behaviour as well. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I would be rewarding your ds11 who did the right thing, and letting him know how proud you are of him.
I would not be so available to babysit your dgd , of course you will still want to see her but I wouldn’t go abi e and beyond to help out your Dd22. She has lied to you and disrespected you by not answering your calls, I’d certainly be giving her reason to think about that course of action.
Your Ds19, that’s easy, I’d not be cooking, cleaning, lending money, giving lifts etc. He would be doing everything for himself, he’s not a child anyway but often as parents we help our kids more than we realise. Respect or lack of it goes both ways.
Talk to your Dd about all the things that could potentially have gone wrong, out of control gatherings, unwanted guests, someone getting drunk and falling ill. 13 year olds don’t generally make great decisions add alcohol to the mix and that’s a given. At 13 kids think they have all the answers and know it all. Let her know that you are upset that she has lied to you and it makes it hard for you to trust her and that’s not what you want, also let her know that you feel hurt by her behaviour. You are worried about her safety and don’t want anything bad to happen.
My gut instinct would be to ground her, take her phone etc but as the mother of teenagers myself I know that sometimes bring too heavy handed can be counter productive. I would def not do any of the usual treats ( takeaways, movie nights etc). If she wants money to go out with friends I would not be giving it for the next couple of weeks.
Agree that the oldest two are the most responsible and are the ones who have behaved the most badly.
Jeez who knew bringing up kids was such a minefield.

I think the eldest were more at fault than the 13 y/o tbh. She’s young and daft - the others were supposed to be looking after her and let you both down.

Re the eldest, next time she asks you to look after her DD I’d say “yes sure. You won’t mind if I pop out and leave her home alone though will you?” Give her a taste of how it feels when your most precious people are left vulnerable. As a parent she should have known better. But it sounds like the other one lied to her too, so I guess it’s more the older DS who enabled it at that point. Not sure what the consequences should be for him, as an almost adult you can’t really punish him but you can make his life a lot less comfortable by withdrawing your ‘mum services’ and leaving him to fend for himself.

I have a 21 y/o DS and when was particularly hard work I would just refuse to shop/cook for him, wouldn’t wash his clothes and didn’t give him a lift or a hand with things he needed me for. He’d always crack first as he obviously gets more help from me than I do from him

OP I would have lost my rag with the eldest two! As for meeting your daughter in town? Hell no! She's 13, she doesn't call the shots! Some of the minimizing on this thread is ridiculous. It's interesting to think how some teenagers rule the roost in their families. I'm not implying you behave like Kim Yong-un but there's a line that has been crossed. You sound like you are handling this well.