My kids and this weekend ? Wtf happenned what now ?

[Armychefbethebest]

So the background is I have 4 children Dd22 who lives with her partner and 14 month old dd , ds19 who moved into his dads last year , dd13 who lives with me and my ds11 who also lives with me. My partner of 3 years we live together and he has a dd21 own place and a ds13 who comes a few nights a week.
So thank you if you are still with me after that , myself and partner had booked a city break after the year everyone has had been trying to work through and also ds13 and my partner needing big operations in the last 12 months it had been quite stressful so my eldest dd 22 volunteers to have ds13 and ds 11 at her place for the weekend as she sometimes does and I have my dgd for her sometimes to give her a break. My ds 19 agrees to dog sit for us so off we go have a lovely weekend, we come back Sunday around lunchtime to find dd13 at home upstairs with 2 off her friends looking very sheepish she asks if she can stay at one of the girls houses , I say yes as I know where they live 12 miles away next street to my oldest daughter and the girls mum is picking them up. I ask ds13 why she was home as I was expecting her to be with my oldest she said she had stayed in our house with her friends as my son was here and he said it was ok then bolted quickly .I called my oldest daughter then who said she believed dd13 was sleeping at the friends house not our house so now alarm bells are ringing. I then go into the yard where there are roll up cigarette end stubbed out . Noone I know smokes roll up and the yard was clean when I left .i ring my eldest son who said yes she stayed but couldnt tell me how many people stayed .By now i know something is amiss but decide i will wait until the next day when dd13 gets back from her friends only the next day i find a bottle of baileys that my daughter had bought for my birthday had been opened and some drank , i messaged my son to ask him about it he said yes sorry he tried some as he had forgot what it was like , but I dont believe him something is off so I look on the iPad upstairs and find a very new convo between ds19 and dd13 him asking If it's her he will cover for her which is followed by a ten minute video call , busted ! I message my dd13 and tell her I want her home immediately I then call my son and he totally lacked any respect his exact word were 'you are a mum of four not m15' I told him at 19 I regarded him as an adult but he had blatantly lied about the alcohol and I was struggling to believe he had actually stayed at the house and he should be more onside with me about his 13 year old sister drinking . I also found the key I had left him in the exact same place that I dont believe he has been there to use so the situation now is my eldest dd wont pick up my calls since I began to piece my youngest daughters location of the weekend together I am annoyed as I left my youngest 2 in her care and I fully believe my daughter has stayed home alone all weekend having a free for all with her mates , my son and I have had a massive argument as according to him I should just let her do as she wishes no rules , no boundaries no repercussions as she will do it anyway so that did not go well after 4 hours of her not coming back and not responding I said that I was going to report her missing as by that time I had no idea where she was and it was getting dark . His response was why would you do that ? You do you ! It turns out she was hiding at my eldest dd and told me she will come home today when I've calmed down.
Mumsnetters where do I go from here I'm going between angry because of what's happenned and also what could of happenned and I'm oblivious in another city thinking everyone is safe. Disappointed because I expected better from all 3 of them and upset just by how now Dd22 wont pick the phone up, Ds thinks it's ok to speak to me like shit and I feel this is the start of a rocky road with my youngest daughter, how would you handle this ?? If you made it this far thank you.

Do the oldest two have any clue what could have happened? A thirteen year old girl alone overnight with access to alcohol, having her mates around, did they not think about alcohol poisoning, the house being trashed if word got around about a free house, sexual assault of a drunk teenager, anything could have happened. Their behaviour now really puts the cherry on it, so disrespectful. I would give myself time to calm down and in a few days lay out exactly how disappointed and hurt you are about how they behaved. I would not bother doing anything for either of them for a very long time, no handouts, no babysitting, just meet in a cafe or whatever if you want to see your grandchild, no opportunity for her to drop the baby and run. I would be very hurt by this, I hope your okay OP.

Bloody hell! Your older kids a real disappointment. The 13yo needs grounding and having her privileges taken away. But, yes, all the favours and money stops now.

I would meet your DD in town for a coffee on neutral ground, where you explain that at 13 getting tipsy on baileys and having a fag might seem a laugh until a friend gets alcohol poisoning or something catches fire.
They could have stayed at friend's house if they did not want to be with their elder sister - now they are grounded.
As to your 22 year old and 19 year old. They have conspired with/enabled or covered up for their sibling. On the one hand, their loyalty/empathy with her is nice, the Mi5 comment would make me laugh but obviously not in these circumstances, and they have either been in kahoots with your teenager before, during or after. The friends' parents also may have been lied to.
If 12 miles away, how did DS get there, were they due to be picked up or did you drop off and one came back? How?
Your elder two, I wouldn't be able to trust again depending on when they found out their sister was home alone and they did nothing about it. It's a shame. Next time, you will need to ask another parent to have her which for a whole weekend is a massive favour bordering on cheeky fuckery. Did your older two used to have impromptu parties and sleepovers or did you just not find out about them? To a certain degree, it is a rite of passage.

Well. I wouldn’t be babysitting for your DD 22 again. It goes without saying she’s never responsible for your younger kids again. DS 19 gets NOTHING from you in future and is not allowed in your house unless you are there. Your DD 13 . . . I’d say grounded for a couple of months and no sleepovers ever again. She gets no pocket money unless she earns it and you need to tell her friends’ parents what has happened. No wifi and no phone for the summer break and you keep her busy. This is tough but honestly, I think she’s probably been allowed to get away with a lot until now. And a nice reward for your youngest for behaving himself.

Re the eldest, next time she asks you to look after her DD I’d say “yes sure. You won’t mind if I pop out and leave her home alone though will you?” Give her a taste of how it feels when your most precious people are left vulnerable. As a parent she should have known better

I think day this to her NOW. As in “suppose I decided to go shopping and leave her in her cot for half an hour…” to drive home the point about trust and responsibility. I wouldn’t do it days later in a passive aggressive way as suggested.

OP.. well done in breaking this down ... brilliant

I agree DD13 needs to appreciate that she screwed up at do the eldest ones ... 🌸

The biggest issue here is that both of your older children have joined ranks to undermine you and I'd be feeling equally betrayed and furious about that. Your 13 year old is running of the stream that her older brother and sister are backing her up.

So I'd take a bag of clothes round to your eldest dd house and tell her your 13 year old can live with her.

I wouldn't baby sit for your eldest dd till she had apologised.

I wouldn't speak to your eldest son either till he apologises -

They both allowed a 13 year old child to be in a very vulnerable position not to mention they other kids that were there. I'd genuinely call her mates mums and ask them if they stayed out that night as it was possibly at yours drinking.

@minisoksmakehardwork

First, slow down and deep breath.

Your 13yo has tried to arrange to meet you. Honestly, I'd agree a time and neutral place that suits you.

I don't think your eldest has done much wrong. She had the wool pulled over her eyes and took her sister's request to stay with friends at face value. She has been betrayed too. But she also knows it's safer for her sister to be at hers rather than completely running away to who knows where. Be glad they have a good relationship. Yes, your oldest could have told you she was safe at hers. But be realistic, would you then have gone storming round and creating a scene with your grandchild present?

Your son maybe has issues with your style of parenting. But that said, he is only 19 and is being defensive of his little sister. Realise that while he legally is an adult, he has been put in the middle by his youngest sister - potentially a master manipulator given he agreed to cover for her - are you known for extreme overreactions?

So then... let your eldest know you are disappointed that her sibling played you both here. Apologise for the anger but you were worried as well as upset and scared for your youngest.

Your 19yo has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted to look after the dog let alone his sister if he didn't access the key to walk and feed, so future holidays, book a kennel.

As for the 13yo - she has broken your trust and will have to work very hard to rebuild it. Grounding, curfew when you do allow her out. Breach of curfew = another grounding/removal of privileges. However, reward good behaviour as well. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

This.

DS19 is barely an adult and simply looking out for his sister. He won’t understand the seriousness of what happened.

DD13 is going to be scared if your reaction, hence why she’s too scared to come home.

It’s DD22 that’s let you down. She’s older and was the one watching your daughter.

' I still love you, but our relationship is forever changed.'

I wouldn't say this. Don't say things you can't unsay, your oldest two have let you down badly, but they will mature, they will very likely become more responsible. I can quite see a rather immature 19yr old not wanting the hassle of arguing with a 13 yr old and trying to make her do what he says. He's not yet mature enough to know how to handle a rebelling child, so he took the easy way out. One mistake which hopefully on reflection they will apologise for, and hopefully after this experience will not make again, should not lead you to tell your children your relationship with them has changed forever. That is ridiculous. Allow them to regain your trust by demonstrating maturity.

Think of appropriate consequences for the 13 yr old - but again talk to her about how she can make amends.
Talk to your adult DC about how there could have been disastrous results and get them to understand your worries (preferably when everyone has calmed down a bit and isn't on the defensive). Then talk to them all about how you can move on from this, and trust can be regained.

The 13 year old arranging to meet up for a coffee is that so she does not have to bear the full force of OP.

Tough shit. A 13 year old doesnt get to 'manage' the situation.

She comes home or she stays at her sisters

Ok so she has come home I asked her to talk me through the whole weekend so the friday night one girl stayed the Saturday night 3 girls stayed 2 of which I dont know , I have kept my cool and explained she is 13 not 16 nor 18 and therefore should never have been here on her own . I asked her what would have happened if a friend had collapsed or a girl she didnt know that well had brought a gang of people around and she could deal with it , the worst thing is the oldest 2 knew she was here and covered for her they have both lost my trust and respect I had higher thoughts of them and never thought they would condone this , the older 2 had quite a stricter upbringing i was a single parent in the army and had a lot to juggle they were loved and wanted for nothing but they had very tight rope . I have mellowed a little with the younger two but I still have very strict views on situations like this there was one party at 17 my eldest had but to be fair she wasnt 13 and her dad lived round the corner , my daughter lives 12 miles away they were taken over friday morning and my youngest daughter came back friday afternoon after we had left . I have told her I'm disappointed and explained how vulnerable she left herself over here .my son spent the weekend about 30 miles away so was nowhere near the house.
I have taken all devices but left the freeview in her room I have said she is grounded for 4 weeks and is banned from any sleepover until I see fit. She is very tearful but I think that's more on the freedom shes just lost.i need some calm down time before I deal with the older 2 I really am surprised shocked and disappointed that they tried to cover this all up. Thank you for all of your constructive comments and advice someone said kids were a walk in the park once they didnt explain it was Jurassic park

Honestly 4 weeks grounding over the school holidays is excessive and unfair. A week maybe, but by the end of 4 weeks without seeing friends or going anywhere after they year they’ve just had, she may well be even more troublesome!! Please keep it in proportion here. Nothing bad actually happened and the other kids are just as much to blame if not more so.

Thank you for all of your constructive comments and advice someone said kids were a walk in the park once they didnt explain it was Jurassic park

🤣😂

You did good OP 🌸

I think you've got this

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Honestly 4 weeks grounding over the school holidays is excessive and unfair. A week maybe, but by the end of 4 weeks without seeing friends or going anywhere after they year they’ve just had, she may well be even more troublesome!! Please keep it in proportion here. Nothing bad actually happened and the other kids are just as much to blame if not more so.

but 4 weeks can be renegotiated after perhaps 2 weeks right ? if she is understanding why Mum did it and they can talk... then if its reduced.. DD will appreciate it more .. yes

its a good starting point 🌸

Grounding for 4 weeks is excessive and is not healthy for a 13 year old, especially after the year they have had.

Tell her you have reconsidered - she is grounded until Sunday - and needs to help you clean the house and tend the garden during this week as she caused mess and needs to earn the cost of your bottle of Baileys.

I dunno. Say 4 weeks and it can be reduced for good behaviour.

P.S I think the conversation you had with her was excellent - and it is good that she told you what actually happened.

It puts what your elder two did in an even worse light, tbh.

I bet your DS thought 'wayhay! Now I don't need to trek over and feed the dog, little sis can do it'.

Did your dd lie to her older sister about being at her friends? Or is your elder DD lying?

4 weeks is fine, but let her earn some of her privileges back after the first five days or so.

As for your older kids... wow. I'm not surprised you're furious. But there's not much you can do. They will have to work to earn your trust back.

AmyDudley. I disagree, all he gad to di was stay home & tell her the friends couldnt stay. Or he would call Mum.
The sister is 13, he should absolutely not have allowed this to happen

My mum always started with a longer grounding and it generally got reduced for good behaviour. It was definitely effective!!

My DP always starts with grounding his DC for weeks/forever and then reduces it to a few days, phone back after half an hour because they mither him, and then the grounding included them having to go out for a posh dinner with him and him saying how nice it was to all spend time together . As long as you don’t do it that way, I’m sure you’ll be fine!

@WineInTheBlood

My mum always started with a longer grounding and it generally got reduced for good behaviour. It was definitely effective!!

Agree with this!

Take your time with the older ones. If you're not ready yet, stay silent. That sends its own message. And whatever the next favour either of them asks is, make the answer no.

I'd be bloody fuming!!!!!
I think you've handled it well with your 13 year old. I might say to her that she can earn some privileges back before the four weeks is up but that definitely wouldn't include any sleepovers or going out. Tough luck if it's the school holidays, what she did was awful!
With regards to the other two ..... jeez, I just don't know. I think you need to calm down first and then think how you want to move forward. In that time though, I wouldn't be babysitting or giving money out. I probably wouldn't even communicate with them until I was ready!
You trusted your eldest DD with your children and your DS with your dog and even if your eldest DD thought 13 year old was going on a sleepover, why didn't she check with you first???
If youngest DD was 16 then I could potentially feel a bit more lenient not much but 13????!!!!!! What on earth were the idiots thinking!!!! Your DD especially as she has a child of her own!
I'm livid just reading this

I’m horrified your elder Dd knowingly left the youngest home alone. That’s ridiculous. Anything could have happened. What if the girls she invited brought older boys/drugs?