He’s introduced our kids to new ‘interest’ after 4 weeks after divorce & meeting her

[CloudyDp30]

After 13 years of online betrayals/sex addiction/possibly real encounters (he wouldn’t say yes or no)…. We got divorced. It took 13 weeks and was finalised 5 weeks ago.

Rewind a week ago and he just had to tell me that he was ‘exclusively’ dating someone. We were still sleeping together 3/4 weeks before this….. I was like ok I don’t think I really need to know if she’s not your gf etc but fine….

The kids told me last night on FaceTime that they have spent a few hours with his friend .

HER

I’ve never felt so angry or upset that he’s now involving our kids. They were out in town. He couldn’t just walk by he actually sat down and spent hrs with her. With our kids. He’s known her 4 WEEKS.

I’ve been crying for hours. WTAF is wrong with him.
He thinks he’s not in the wrong as he introduced her as a friend 😡😡😡😡😡😡 😭 😭😭😭😭😭😭.

He made me agree that (because he read it in a book!) we wouldn’t introduce new partners within 2yrs of the divorce. Our children are 7 and 11…..which is excessive but 4 weeks of knowing someone. Are you kidding me.

His excuse was he ‘bumped’ into her and he didn’t know what to do etc yet the kids mentioned they messaged to meet up. So he lied. Like he has done for the past 13yrs.

Now the kids have been upset because they don’t understand why I was upset on the phone (I thought he was calling me back but it was them). They keep asking me why I was upset with them seeing Laura.

He could have called/told me about this ‘meeting’ before the kids did. He’s created this mess.
Now I feel like I can’t trust what he’ll do with the kids and he’s a sex addict. It could be someone else next week!!!!

I’m so mad 😡 xx 😭 😭

Thank you for your replies.

I have emailed this which I think is very reasonable. I’ve also sent him the original agreement to maybe remind him of what he was thinking when he wrote it…..

Yes I am most likely grieving the marriage. The future for our family that I feel has been taken away. Yes I’m upset that he’s portraying this ‘new man’ persons for someone he’s ‘known for 4 weeks’ when he couldn’t be that person for me or our children in 13 yrs. x

Hi

Forget about the agreement. Legally it’s not worth the paper it’s written on and we both know that because of what’s happened since we decided on the last one.

I have been advised that mediation/legal is the best step forward and what we agree can then become legally binding.
Until then I have to just trust that you make the right choices when it comes to the emotion welfare of our children when it comes to meeting a new partner and you the same with me.

You can collect at 9 tomorrow as per our childcare agreement as usual. If that doesn’t happen then I will keep them until Tuesday.

We can communicate through email from now on. I will not be contacting your phone and I believe this is going to be the best way. Although it is not at all what I expected of us and I am extremely disappointed and upset by it all. I really thought you would continue to put the children first, so to ensure that, we now move down the mediation/legal route together.

I hope you can be understanding and resort back to the child that I knew. You know that meeting wasn’t off chance and he would not say ‘she text to meet up with us as was closeby’ if it wasn’t true. They have also been quite upset and haven’t stop asking questions about why she has made me upset which then starts your potential new relationship already on a negative. It didn’t have to be that way and I have continued to be very amicable and reasonable. edited by MNHQ - outing

Eek I didn’t meant to include names and can’t see how to edit!!!

You need support, but you also need to be told a few home truths because you are being totally unreasonable.

Why were you sleeping with him 3 weeks ago, when you divorced 5 weeks ago.

Men can introduce their children to anyone at any time. this happens all the time. why are women so naive?

you need to wake up and smell the coffee, you're divorced. you have no say over what he does any more. unless the children are at risk, which they are not.

Because although I wasn’t in love with him I still had love for him. At that point anyway… I think he’s broken even that down now in his recent behaviours.
I always believed that he would/could change. He made me believe they for years. That’s not just going to go away over night.

Luckily I am off abroad next week to meet friends for the weekend so perfect timing x

The timeline is (not that I feel I should have to justify it because it happened)

I finalised the divorce June 16th. The day before and even that morning we were still sleeping together and still debating wether we should stay together or not.

I know deep down my heart couldn’t take any more hurt and I don’t look at him the same.

14th July he tells me he is ‘exclusively dating’ exactly 4 weeks after.

The weekend after that last weekend is when I found out through my kids that they’ve spent time with her.

You were trying so hard to seem nonchalant then went all emotional towards the end. Seems kinda spiraling-out-of control IMO. I concur. You definitely need to take a step or 20 back from this situation. Hes gone guilt tripping him wont magically change him into who you feel he needs to be for you.

Agree with posters that have said you need to for your children’s sake not let your bitterness and upset affect them

Focus on your own life now , who cares how long they have been together.
For good karma and as the father of your children maybe try to wish him well
You will be happy again , just get through this bit with dignity and calm x

I reported the post with the name on to see if MNHQ will pull it for you, OP.

YANBU to feel upset about your DC meeting partners so soon, OP. Don't be surprised if he is hypocritical about you meeting any new partner's and the DC meeting them, OP.

Good luck.

Ah I’m sorry op. It seems you were hoping for reconciliation when that was never on the table, he should have been honest with you there, not just availed him self of the sex being offered. It’s shit.

Do what you need to to move on and accept it’s over for good, it will hurt and you will want to lash out at him, get him to change his mind, feel guilty , stop her seeing them, pull back, whatever, but that’s just not going to happen. 💐

So sorry OP I can see how upset and hurt you are. I think you have realised that as you were still sleeping together the chemical bonds remained strong for you. Having the realisation that divorce to him meant divorce and off he goes to find someone else quickly has hurt you deeply. I think you have come down to earth with a big bump and I somehow think you were sleepwalking through this divorce hoping you would still remain married, which is really quite a warped way of thinking. That being said, I think your ex husband has been part of giving you that warped way of thinking of how he has probably treated you. So, now, what to do? 1) Accept you do not have a husband who is coming back 2) Grieve for the ending of the marriage 3) have some great times with your girlfriends 4) talk to your children to explain why you were upset and show them you can move on. You will be ok OP. Life is just beginning for you.

OP I've been there. Its shit.

Exh went on and on with it had to be 6 months before new partner introduced. How he had done research and that was best for DC. I got a Dp and he was questioning dc had they meet any of mummies new friends etc. Absolute joke, I actually waited close to a year.

Within the 2 years since then he has introduced 5 women and their various kids to DC. Always because they randomly " bumped into each other" or they are just "friends". One was the mum of a kid who bullies one of my DC in school. DC are then thrown into being with these strangers every contact time for the few months the relationship lasts then it's never see them again (or be blanked when saying hello).

It's so hard to see them go through that but I have taken a step back. They wont be young forever and I know they will see their dad for what he is eventually.

100% wow you’ve been through it. What a woman!

Yes I do think maybe even though I pulled the plug I just used to us carrying on and 13 yrs in you know i couldn’t picture my life any different. Which is sad really because that’s what I thought real love was and it really wasn’t…. The first betrayal was within our first 6 mths and I was pg.
it’s scary to make the jump. But I’ve done it now so here we go.

Yes I said to the kids that I wasn’t upset with them it was just between daddy and I.

Thank you for your message xx

@Iknowthiswillendbutwhen

I was still sleeping with him because until the day I clicked to finalise the decree nissi we were still discussing wether or not to stay together.

This is really awful op; you really have been mistreated.

You don't have to justify your behaviour on here to anyone. He is the one who has behaved appallingly, not you.

It's very easy for people to say you need to detach and "just" live your own life, but your emotions haven't caught up with events yet. You must be feeling so hurt and bruised. Please give yourself some time out, go away somewhere , take a break if you possibly can.

In the meantime grey rock him. Minimal contact, only related to DC. The best revenge is him seeing you getting your shit in order.

Then when you gwt bqck I think I would get some tech and legal advice if I could.

Great advice x so sorry you are going through this, be kind to yourself and focus on you and the kids. He's not worth it, you deserve so much better xx

They have also been quite upset and haven’t stop asking questions about why she has made me upset which then starts your potential new relationship already on a negative

This is YOUR fault. YOU have now made it so they will have to be 'loyal' to you. This kind of game play is devastating on children. You can downplay it all you like with the "I told them I wasn't mad at them" but the damage will have been done. They now know that they mustn't 'upset' you. You know they'll follow your lead and you've laid the groundwork.

You've minimised your own actions and choices and now have this narrative that I'm sure is going to be played for many threads to come. Let the games begin 🙄

Omg. REALLY?! You are just a bundle of joy aren’t you. I hope you never have to go through such a thing.
They’ve not upset me and they know that. I have also not said anything in front of them about remaining loyal to me.
I also phoned him when they asked me so that we could decide together how to deal with the. But he didn’t answer. So I told them that it was just something between daddy and I and didn’t involve them.

He put them in this position and if he had told me himself before they did then they would not have been involved at all.
I was not upset in front of them. He called back with them and they unintentionally heard me upset. I’m not down playing anything. All of this could have been avoided.

Go and troll someone else’s thread. You clearly have nothing better to do!!

The trouble is that you've divorced in paper but you're talking as if you're still married in reality. He has no obligations to you now. He has obligations to his children, but it is his decision how he parents them and if he wants to introduce them to new people it's actually none of your business and certainly not in your control. You can be disappointed, disgusted, outraged, whatever, but if it's legal, he can do it.

You will need to find a way of detaching yourself from him and seeing him just as the father of your children. It's horrible, but it's the reality.

The poster's right though OP and it seems your sensitivity and uber defensiveness is because you know deep down she is right. You absolutely manipulated your kids and even that sentence, cant be bothered to scroll back up to check, but something along the lines of " not a good start to your relationship with her is it" lol like thats a threat. Anyways lets just hope their dad is mature enough to talk to them and let them know that the adults feelings shouldnt be used to pre judge whatever woman he chooses to date

Have you got CMS formalised OP?
If it’s an informal arrangement do you know that he’s paying the correct amount?

If he’s messed around on one “promise” already then it’s unlikely to be long before he does it with the finances.

That poster isn't trolling. She's talking sense. You just don't want to hear it.

They have also been quite upset and haven’t stop asking questions about why she has made me upset which then starts your potential new relationship already on a negative

Like..how messed up is that

Op I am so sorry you are hurting. And I don't think you can see it yet.

But, that poster is right. Your actions caused more difficulty for your children than him introducing a friend.

When he acts like a dick and you think it's because he wants a reaction. Don't call him. You are giving him the reaction. Don't act out of emotion. Had you not have spoken to him on the phone, to tell him you weren't happy, the kids would not be aware of anything and this meeting would already be out of their heads.

You say that he has never changed childcare arrangements before. So, he is asking to pick them up 2 hours later. I get that you have plans so that doesn't work for you. Saying that you will assume he can not have them at all for his days, is bizarre.

It may not work for you. But the alternative isn't not keeping them until the next week. Those sorts of things won't help you if you do end up having to formalise his days with the kids.

A parent, asking to pick the kids up 2 hours late, when they are asking well in advance AND only do this very occasionally won't be seen as a negative by anyone. You deciding he can't have them until the next week because of this will.

You are acting and reacting out of pure emotion. And I know its difficult, not to. But you aren't making things any better for you or your kids.

I think the poster was a bit harsh but also not wrong, op how would they know you were upset on the phone to their dad. Your message is confused there, first you say you thought it was him calling you back, which makes it sound like you launched into a tirade before even knowing who was on the phone and then you say you asked the phone to be passed and they could hear you.

Either way it’s not relevant, the root cause here is you were hoping for reconciliation and him introducing a new woman has shown you that’s not going to happen and you were devastated. That’s the issue to address here, 💐