He’s introduced our kids to new ‘interest’ after 4 weeks after divorce & meeting her

[CloudyDp30]

After 13 years of online betrayals/sex addiction/possibly real encounters (he wouldn’t say yes or no)…. We got divorced. It took 13 weeks and was finalised 5 weeks ago.

Rewind a week ago and he just had to tell me that he was ‘exclusively’ dating someone. We were still sleeping together 3/4 weeks before this….. I was like ok I don’t think I really need to know if she’s not your gf etc but fine….

The kids told me last night on FaceTime that they have spent a few hours with his friend .

HER

I’ve never felt so angry or upset that he’s now involving our kids. They were out in town. He couldn’t just walk by he actually sat down and spent hrs with her. With our kids. He’s known her 4 WEEKS.

I’ve been crying for hours. WTAF is wrong with him.
He thinks he’s not in the wrong as he introduced her as a friend 😡😡😡😡😡😡 😭 😭😭😭😭😭😭.

He made me agree that (because he read it in a book!) we wouldn’t introduce new partners within 2yrs of the divorce. Our children are 7 and 11…..which is excessive but 4 weeks of knowing someone. Are you kidding me.

His excuse was he ‘bumped’ into her and he didn’t know what to do etc yet the kids mentioned they messaged to meet up. So he lied. Like he has done for the past 13yrs.

Now the kids have been upset because they don’t understand why I was upset on the phone (I thought he was calling me back but it was them). They keep asking me why I was upset with them seeing Laura.

He could have called/told me about this ‘meeting’ before the kids did. He’s created this mess.
Now I feel like I can’t trust what he’ll do with the kids and he’s a sex addict. It could be someone else next week!!!!

I’m so mad 😡 xx 😭 😭

@StarryStarrySocks

Crying for hours over your kids meeting this woman? Really? It's not great but I think that's a massive overreaction.

Bit harsh?? I’m here for support not to be judged.

Considering he sent a 15 page document about how we bring up our kids and made me promise we wait 2 years to introduce any partners because HE read that’s the right thing to do….. to say I’m shocked after 4 weeks is an understatement YES.

It is only natural to be upset. But as others have said he can introduce them to whoever he likes.

My ex had a long list of poor parenting. Social services were involved at one point but he is allowed to patently poorly so long as they are 'safe'. The children were sleeping on his bedroom floor with ow 12 weeks after he left family home. Along side other stuff.

It hurts. But you have to rise above it all. What happens on his watch is up to him. So long as the children are safe.

I would be replacing your phone etc if he has been involved in setting your IT up too.

It gets easier in time. Try not to engage in anything you don't have too.

My STBXH did this too - introduced our dc to his now gf within a few weeks (shortly after he dumped the women he had an affair with who they had also met).

The first I knew of said gf was when the kids got home from a weekend at his and said they had been somewhere and were with another child my son vaguely knew. My mind straight away went to the mum of said child and I knew what was going on. I confronted ex and he said they "bumped into each other".

I told him I couldn't give a damn what he did with is private life but to keep our kids out of it. I don't think men are generally good at compartmentalising private lives and being a parent.

Maybe he is enjoying seeing you hurt. If you took that away from him you could take back some control.

OP, sorry you are going through this. Know that he is a PoS and none of this is your fault. He hid his abusive behavior from you pretty well.

I have some advice for you, regarding you devices. I think you need to talk to an IT specialist to get control back off all your accounts. You may need to make some new ones and you may have to replace or wipe some of your devices. Unfortunately, I have no companies I can recommend for this. I hope you have people near you who can send you in the right direction.

I think you also need to go as low contact with your ex as possible. You can't stop him from being shitty to your kids. I don't know how to best handle this, I think you can either pretend towards your kids you don't know what is going on and tell them once they are old enough to understand.

Just move on with your life! He can do what he wants - you’re not together anymore!!

It’s definitely narcissistic behaviour. I was duped for 13 years.
He’s supposed to have the children from
9 tomorrow and is now saying that his dad is collecting them at 11. I have plans from

I said we can draw up an agreement (I’ve already sent him the wording) and as long as it’s signed by 9 am that’s fine with me. ‘ Neither party is to introduce new partners/even as friends until the relationship is established and serious. This equates to at least 1 year of being an established couple. Not just exclusively dating.

Before the meeting of the new partner and the children, the meeting needs to be discussed between both parents ‘

If he’s not here at the usual time of 9 am I’ll
presume that he is unable to care for them when he’s supposed to.

I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I think you are hyper sensitive to this as you were still sleeping with him until recently - why were you ?

@CloudyDp30

It’s definitely narcissistic behaviour. I was duped for 13 years. He’s supposed to have the children from 9 tomorrow and is now saying that his dad is collecting them at 11. I have plans from

I said we can draw up an agreement (I’ve already sent him the wording) and as long as it’s signed by 9 am that’s fine with me. ‘ Neither party is to introduce new partners/even as friends until the relationship is established and serious. This equates to at least 1 year of being an established couple. Not just exclusively dating.

Before the meeting of the new partner and the children, the meeting needs to be discussed between both parents ‘

If he’s not here at the usual time of 9 am I’ll
presume that he is unable to care for them when he’s supposed to.

I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I think that's really unrealistic to be honest.

And you are just clinging to him. He isn't going to stick with it. He didn't with the last agreement. A family court isn't going to take him breaking that agreement into account.

What's the difference between exclusibky dating and an established couple? How do you quantify that?

And parents don't have to be in exclusive relationships. Plenty are in open relationships or poly relationships. Plenty date casually. Plenty have friends of both sexes and introduce their kids to them.

A court also, won't hold it's against him, for asking ( in advance ) to change childcare slightly. Yes, it's unfair and yes it's annoying and upsetting. I know you have plans but cancelling his days with them because he is going to be late but has arrange an alternative buy a bit later, won't do you any good.

Why were you on the phone to HIM, showing you were upsetting by this?

Theres a lot of work you need to do with yourself. Because all your emotions that he has played with are coming to the surface and muddling the situation. And it seems you can't completely detach. Which is understandable. But not helping any of you.

You really need to think about what you want to achieve. And then think about wether it's realistic, that you will achieve that because of who he is.

Sometimes, we have to pick our battles and just be there to support our children. Because that's all we can realistically do.

I have plans at 9 am tomorrow and he knows that. He’s just trying to wind me up further.

I’m getting him to re-sign the agreement that HE created. He wanted me to agree to a 2year wait. I thought 2 years was unrealistic so I’ve proposed this new one which I have used research from a counselling website to gain the right timings etc.
He’s listed books that he used so I’m trying to be fairer and more realistic than he was in the first instance.

I don’t really know where half of you are coming from and if I could I’d delete this post because you are just making it worse!!
In nearly a year he’s never tried to mess around with their days/times and it’s all
change now. That’s all I’m saying.

I was still sleeping with him because until the day I clicked to finalise the decree nissi we were still discussing wether or not to stay together.

I was on the phone to him because the children passed on the information so I asked to talk to him…

I personally think it's unfair on kids to be introduced so early to a new partner who may or may not be around in their lives in the future. A split is a big enough change for kids to deal with, without dealing with emotional baggage arising from it.

Happened to my cousin, his ex (recently separated not divorced) introduced the kids to the new guy weeks after separating and my cousin overheard them agonising over who was going to tell Daddy and then later asking if Daddy was upset because of new guy.

There's never an easy way of splitting when kids are involved but some parents are pretty self centered and seem incapable of understanding how to handle it sensitively.

I think your take on this is being hugely influenced by the fact you were sleeping with him well after your divorce was in motion. Why were you doing that?!

Good Lord woman, he had treated you terribly, cheated on you repeatedly and yet for some bizarre reason you are clinging to him like gorilla glue. He is no prize. Get some self respect and

Stop sleeping with him
Stop engaging with him
Stop caring where her puts his genitals
Stop letting him get to you.

The fact you were sleeping together right up until the very end is incredibly contrary. I bet if you picked it ash you were over again clinging to him hoping he would suddenly see your value, your kids value and what you are as a single family unit. You thought you could change him.

You can't. He doesn't value you. He has shown that again and again. This " signing agreements " is a total farce and just more justification for you to hang on to him. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

Make sure he knows what days he gets the kids and exact times. Have the kids ready at exactly that time. If he isn't there within an hour go do your thing. Charge your number. Communicate only be email and ONLY check the email the day before contact to see if he has confirmed her is collecting them. He had parental responsibility so he can introduce the kids to whoever he wants.

Unclench for the love of god and see what is right in front of you so you can learn to get over him.

What happens if he breaches the agreement then? Reminds me of those parents with badly behaved kids where the parent says I ll count to 3 and you better do this or that, then gets to 2 and then its 2 and a half, 2 three quaters bla bla. You better write down what LEGAL steps you plan on taking if he breaches it or else you ll make yourself the laughing stock or anyone he shows it to. And believe me, he will show it around

I personally think it's unfair on kids to be introduced so early to a new partner who may or may not be around in their lives in the future. A split is a big enough change for kids to deal with, without dealing with emotional baggage arising from it.

It is definitely not ideal, but there is nothing you can do about it if that is waht the other parent decides to do, so it is pointless trying to stop it.

Why were you sleeping with him after separating? He has a strong hold over you and he knows how to upset you

I suspect all of this new woman stuff is just to hurt you

My best friend has just gone through something similar. Her ex also insisted that they wouldn't introduce the dc to new people.

Then it became clear that only applied to her.

He has probably introduced the dc to about ten new girlfriends in two years. Every single one of which he has moved in with.

Sometimes he is all over the dc. He wants them all the time and he's taking them out for the day and having them over night. Other times he doesn't see them at all. It depends on whether the girlfriend is into children or not!

Getting him to sign that agreement is ludicrous. I understand that's what he did to you but it's still ridiculous. And he isn't going to stick to it anyway.

OP, you can't control what he does when the DCs are in his care, unless he's neglectful or abusive. Get you head round that. Signing bits of paper between you mean nothing. He will just do as he wants. The only way you will stop this is to ignore him. Take no interest. Don't react. Don't talk to the DC about him or what he does. Don't let them see you react. If he asks to move collection time and it doesn't unreasonably impact you, then agree. If it does impact you then decline. Treat this as a business relationship only, it's truly the only way

Don’t bother writing up a new agreement. He won’t stick to it. Think about what you want the kids to see from your side of things. You can have your own rules for how your kids will meet/interact with future any partners of yours. So you already know that 2 years of dating and discussion with their father seems excessive and 4 weeks seems ridiculously early. Your ex gets no say in what happens in your life now and how you parent your shared children when they are with you and not him.

It sounds like he’s known her for years. He’s moved on, you should too.

Please, please, please let this be the catalyst for disengaging from this idiot. Him logging into you emails was a gross invasion of your privacy, his proposition was one sided and only applied you and not him and you sleeping with him post divorce blurred the lines and contributed to your sense of betrayal.

Start afresh. The document isn’t worth the paper it’s written on and I would question the benefit of creating another, given his ‘do as I say and not as I do’ mentality’. Restrict contact to communication about the kids, don’t rely on him for childcare because as he has already demonstrated, he will use it to mess you about and control you.

Detachment from this idiot, won’t stop him from being an idiot but it will give you the space to be not so easily taken in by his bullshit, which would be a good thing to model for your kids.

Take a very deep breath. Reassure your kids that your upset was nothing to do with them and unfortunately was part of the, sometimes bumpy, process of transitioning to a new type of relationship with their father. Your frustration at his double standards and lies was understandable but moving forward, your going to have to learn ways that those feelings don’t cause your children confusion.

He was always this guy and rather than wasting your energy trying to reason with the unreasonable, focus your energies where they will benefit you and your kids the most, disentangling yourself from a very toxic man.

Change your strategy. As pp have said, he won't stick to an agreement and it won't be enforceable anyway. So now you say 'any so-called agreement is null and void as you've already broken it, you will obviously do what you want without regarding my feelings, so expect me to do the same.' Any future ideas on the children's upbringing, remind him that he has no control over how you parent anymore. He won't accept any from you, so don't agree to it the other way. Asserting your own freedom from him will be a lot more satisfying than trying to police him. It'll also annoy him more.

Can you drop off the kids at either his house or his parents' house tomorrow at 9? I would do that and override his 'picking up at 11' thing.

I was still sleeping with him because until the day I clicked to finalise the decree nissi we were still discussing wether or not to stay together.

This is really awful op; you really have been mistreated.

You don't have to justify your behaviour on here to anyone. He is the one who has behaved appallingly, not you.

It's very easy for people to say you need to detach and "just" live your own life, but your emotions haven't caught up with events yet. You must be feeling so hurt and bruised. Please give yourself some time out, go away somewhere , take a break if you possibly can.

In the meantime grey rock him. Minimal contact, only related to DC. The best revenge is him seeing you getting your shit in order.

Then when you gwt bqck I think I would get some tech and legal advice if I could.

It seems likely he has been seeing her a lot longer than 4 weeks. I also suspect that he orchestrated this meeting well in advance, and that was what prompted him to tell you he was dating someone.

It's obviously really really upset you, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. But on the face of it, it does seem an overreaction. Do you think its triggered you to grieve for the marriage - like it hadn't fully sunk in until now that it's over, that he was never the man you loved, that he's a shit parent and you're going to have to share your dc's time with him regardless?

It's similar to how I reacted after my marriage ended (and I instigated the split.) My ex had a new woman on the scene immediately (I suspect before we separated) and that didn't bother me. She was a friend, and that didn't bother me. He moved in with her within 6 months, and that didn't bother me. But that first Xmas day, waking up without my DS being there... I lost it. I understood all of a sudden that there was no going back.

Make yourself a big cuppa, be really kind to yourself today, maybe call a friend if you can who'll let you have a good rant about his shittiness 🌸

Why were sleeping together after the divorce though and 13 years of hassle?
That's the mad part.