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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He called the police

59 replies

Imagineit · 25/07/2021 23:42

During covid my mental health plummeted and I became really unwell not being able to sleep or eat.I got meds and I'm now much better but I feel unnerved but the way my partner acted.

Although he was supportive sometimes, my partner often made me feel like a burden by rolling his eyes if he was about to eat and I needed a hug or not wanting me to lie close to him in bed when I needed a cuddle if he was tired. I understand it can be wearing for another person to try to support someone going through such an intense time but it didn't always feel that he was kind.

When I was at my lowest he just found out he'd missed out on a job so he was pretty devastated. I reached out for support and he was unwilling or unable to provide it. Sighing heavily when I was upset and eye rolling etc. I reached out to my friends because I desperately needed a friendly face though it was right in the middle of lockdown so technically I was not supposed to see them indoors. My friends immediately took me into their house when they saw how bad I was feeling. DP messages not to ask how I was but to state 'you must be really cold sitting outside their house' knowing full well I must've gone in.

When I returned home I tried to explain that I felt like a burden so had needed to be with friends but he was annoyed and in the end I decided to return to my friends house who felt like more of a 'safe space' at a time when I was feeling so rotten. He told me I shouldn't go and that he would call the police as it broke 'covid rules' (he actually began to dial before my friends showed up to pick me up and convince him to let me come have some space)

It's only now my mental health has settled that I feel so angry about this. DP says his own mental health was rock bottom/ he was trying to keep me safe/ he didn't know what else to do. I can't help thinking that even at my lowest point I still wouldn't have been as cruel as to deny him support when he needed it. He is adamant I'm twisting the story and I'm not 'remembering it right' which upsets me more as it denies my feelings and also get me doubting myself and how I feel about it. Am I overreacting here? Does it seem as bad to others as if fees to me? He hasn't stopped trying to tell me that my version is wrong but the only truth I have is my own and my feelings.

OP posts:

Snowfalling · 26/07/2021 00:02

He's gaslighting you by insisting you're not remembering it right. He's proved he can't or won't support you when you needed. Even during lockdown, vulnerable people were permitted to go to a friend's/relative's for support, and given how you were feeling at the time, you could be classed as vulnerable.

It also seems he was becoming abusive during lockdown with eye rolling and withdrawing his support, and you did the right thing by going to friends'.

Given he's gaslighting you now, this relationship should be over. How can you be helped to leave this unpleasant individual who let you down when you needed support?

Doyoumind · 26/07/2021 00:07

He purposely withheld support from you and didn't let you seek it elsewhere. That's not how people who care about us act.

Thesheerrelief · 26/07/2021 00:09

He was punishing you with the threat of the police. Punishing you for going to see your friends and daring to need anything outside of him.

Original poster

Imagineit · 26/07/2021 00:09

@Snowfalling Thankyou for validating my own feelings. He remembers it differently or chooses to and says he's spoke to friends who thinks he 'did the best he could in circumstances'. It gets me questioning my own sanity and beliefs.

The relationship is over but I'm expecting it to be very difficult. I have a young son and want to keep things amicable but the way he deflects hints and says it's my fault makes be so cross. I DONT want arguments in front of my so so my thoughts are that he souls leave but he's refusing right now. If it was just this one thing there might be home for us but there are so many issues making me sad. He seems to think because he wants to status due work it out I should be the one to leave but this is my sons home

OP posts:

Original poster

Imagineit · 26/07/2021 00:11

@Thesheerrelief

He was punishing you with the threat of the police. Punishing you for going to see your friends and daring to need anything outside of him.

Yes I think this is it. It's been hard to understand what's happened and it's so much harder when you're in it

OP posts:

Original poster

Imagineit · 26/07/2021 00:13

I wish he could read this. Thing is he'd say it was a Mumsnet conspiracy against him or I was unclear on the story

OP posts:

PickAChew · 26/07/2021 00:15

Yeah, keep this space for you. Anything you say here, he'd probably turn against you.

Snowfalling · 26/07/2021 00:15

My abusive ex used to do the whole 'I've spoken to so many people who agree with me' thing to make me question myself. I soon learnt to tune that out. Only your opinion matters here, not his imaginary friends' opinions. And they ARE imaginary. Learn to trust yourself again, it's hard when you're being gaslighted.

chorizoTapas · 26/07/2021 00:17

If my partner 'needed' a cuddle just before I was about to eat I'd roll my eyes too tbh. I'm not saying he was right or that you weren't struggling but there seems to be a lot of you demanding his attention and maybe he was struggling too? especially when he lost the job etc

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 00:30

He sounds like a bully.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 00:34

Just picturing someone standing dialling the police because their partner, who's really struggling is going to get some support with friends..... what an absolute fucking ass hole.

I think the police might have had slightly more important things to do.

Its just so bullying.

NiceGerbil · 26/07/2021 00:48

MH problems are often reactive-

The person hasn't just developed MH issues out of the blue it's because of something that's happened, is happening in your life.

In this case your partner sounds horrible.

You say you have a young son. Is he your partner's son?

NotaCoolMum · 26/07/2021 00:50

@chorizoTapas

This

afriusaenghather · 26/07/2021 00:57

If someone didn’t console and cuddle me and instead tried to dial the police over covid lock down rules (which he’s also wrong about as you can see people when emotionally in need), I’d honestly get as far away from them as possible.what a cunt!

Other respondents are correct. He’s gas lit you.

Show him the thread. Show him how little support he has vs you. Show him the vast majority of people see through him. Do this in the day when you have others around and an escape route. Then get far far far away from him.

He’s vile. I hope you’re ok OP x

ExhaustedFlamingo · 26/07/2021 01:09

I agree with @chorizoTapas. You sound quite self absorbed - if he’s about to eat he can give you a cuddle after. I don’t understand why you’d demand one at that moment. Likewise, some people don’t like being touched when they’re trying to sleep. We talk about body autonomy for women but it applies to men too. If this was a man who was constantly touching a woman who was trying to sleep, there would be different comments.

You admit he’s had a rough time but there’s barely any acknowledgement of his needs or mental health, just yours 😕

But at the same time it absolutely sounds like he’s been a giant arse too re the Covid stuff.

It’s good that you’ve split as you clearly bring out the worst in each other. But for the future, struggling with your MH doesn’t mean your needs permanently trump those of your partner’s.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 26/07/2021 01:14

@Snowfalling

This was the straw that broke the camels back for me in my marriage.

I actually called the person and politely asked and was told that he had never said any of the horrible things my XH told me he did, would never think them and that I actually hadn't come up in conversation for a very long time.

Finding him out in such a definitive and cruel lie was the clarifying moment to get out and I left the house that day.

OP Don't show him the thread, he'll just twist it or explain it away. All you need to know is that he behaved unkindly towards you when you were vulnerable and tried to block support for you. Now he is gaslighting you.

Know it, hold it in your heart and armour yourself with the knowledge that he isn't out to help you and as such is dead weight in your life. Then do something about it as soon as possible

It took me years to have my eyes opened but once they are, you can't close them again.

Westchesterarms · 26/07/2021 01:31

I suffer from depression and its pretty relentlessly tiring on other people. And it's quite a selfish disease. I realise you want to be hugged to make you feel better but maybe he doesn't want to do that when he's eating or tired. And, honestly, he was devasted about a lost job opportunity and you were annoyed that he didn't comfort you? I don't want to be rude because it is a horrid disease, but you sound quite self-absorbed in your own needs.

Sobeyondthehills · 26/07/2021 01:47

You say this
I can't help thinking that even at my lowest point I still wouldn't have been as cruel as to deny him support when he needed it.
which contradicts this
"When I was at my lowest he just found out he'd missed out on a job so he was pretty devastated. I reached out for support and he was unwilling or unable to provide it."

I am not saying you are wrong in your feelings, but also mental health puts a massive strain on any relationship, especially when you both are suffering

Micemakingclothes · 26/07/2021 02:00

Were you moving to your friends or were you expecting to keep going back and forth, putting him at risk? If you were simply moving out, he was completely unreasonable. If you were repeatedly breaking lockdown and thinking it was ok to return potentially bringing the virus back into your shared space, I can understand why he was upset. I don’t think calling the police was the right response, but I could see him not wanting to continue to live with you at that point.

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2021 02:08

I can't help thinking that even at my lowest point I still wouldn't have been as cruel as to deny him support when he needed it. It certainly doesn’t sound like you were there for him when he was devastated at not getting this job. I can understand it feeling stifling your partner wanting a cuddle when you are about to eat etc, I’ve had words with my husband about similar. Ditto the ‘just lie next to me in bed’. I think calling the police is a bit nuts but don’t buy this you’d always be there for him if he needed it line, maybe he gave you all he could?

Goldielow · 26/07/2021 02:37

No matter what he felt at the time, calling the police on someone for trying to go to a safe space is extreme! He wasn't trying to keep you safe, he was wanting the police to come and arrest you or fine you or whatever else. That is very extreme! Sounds like he didn't like you getting support from others. And if he is now saying you remembered it different I think you need to distance yourself, only keep contact on a strictly need-to basis.
It can be very tiring being with someone who is mentally not well, it can make them mentally not well too. But for him to almost call the police on you is a very cruel and thoughtless act and I would say he needs to be kept far back!

ChunkySloth · 26/07/2021 03:03

@chorizoTapas

Yep. You sound very wearing op.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/07/2021 04:18

Sounds like both of you were at a pretty low place, coincidencally at the same time. Or place.
what did you do to support him during this time?
How many times a day were you seeking him out for physical reassurance? (this would drive me up the wall tbh)

LemonLemonLemon · 26/07/2021 04:41

I think I would echo that losing his job would have put him in a very low mood and potentially he could have found it difficult to support someone else, particularly as you’ve not outlined if you provided any support to him? It seems as though you went to your friends and left him without anything?

I agree the police is a bit far, but lockdown, particularly the first one was very anxiety-inducing so I wonder if he felt he had no option? Especially if you were going back and forth exposing him to risk?

CinnabarRed · 26/07/2021 05:13

I’m sorry you were so depressed and anxious.

I would be fascinated to hear his version of events.

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