He called the police

[Imagineit]

During covid my mental health plummeted and I became really unwell not being able to sleep or eat.I got meds and I'm now much better but I feel unnerved but the way my partner acted.

Although he was supportive sometimes, my partner often made me feel like a burden by rolling his eyes if he was about to eat and I needed a hug or not wanting me to lie close to him in bed when I needed a cuddle if he was tired. I understand it can be wearing for another person to try to support someone going through such an intense time but it didn't always feel that he was kind.

When I was at my lowest he just found out he'd missed out on a job so he was pretty devastated. I reached out for support and he was unwilling or unable to provide it. Sighing heavily when I was upset and eye rolling etc. I reached out to my friends because I desperately needed a friendly face though it was right in the middle of lockdown so technically I was not supposed to see them indoors. My friends immediately took me into their house when they saw how bad I was feeling. DP messages not to ask how I was but to state 'you must be really cold sitting outside their house' knowing full well I must've gone in.

When I returned home I tried to explain that I felt like a burden so had needed to be with friends but he was annoyed and in the end I decided to return to my friends house who felt like more of a 'safe space' at a time when I was feeling so rotten. He told me I shouldn't go and that he would call the police as it broke 'covid rules' (he actually began to dial before my friends showed up to pick me up and convince him to let me come have some space)

It's only now my mental health has settled that I feel so angry about this. DP says his own mental health was rock bottom/ he was trying to keep me safe/ he didn't know what else to do. I can't help thinking that even at my lowest point I still wouldn't have been as cruel as to deny him support when he needed it. He is adamant I'm twisting the story and I'm not 'remembering it right' which upsets me more as it denies my feelings and also get me doubting myself and how I feel about it. Am I overreacting here? Does it seem as bad to others as if fees to me? He hasn't stopped trying to tell me that my version is wrong but the only truth I have is my own and my feelings.

I agree @CinnabarRed. This is definitely a case of two sides to every story.

If you were as unwell as you OP not sleeping or eating I would say you would have a skewed version of reality simply because you were so unwell. It sounds like you expected him to put all your needs first all the time, even when you knew he was devastated about not getting a job.

Frankly I think you have brought out the worst in each other and you both need to own up to what you could have done better. Take some time to acknowledge how he must have been feeling too.

In the nicest way possible OP you sounded extremely needy - wanting a hug whilst he was eating - I've been there with my DH and I was at the end of my tether. His need for being hugged, touched, consoled, comforted when I was trying my utmost best to hold life together put a massive strain on me. His neediness meant he couldn't give me any support at all, and at times he too says I wasn't supportive enough during his darkest days. That has me eye rolling still to now as I couldn't have done more at a time when he came across as incredibly self absorbed and selfish. I don't mean this to sound cold hearted, but do realize that it is very hard living with someone with MH issues.

I am very familiar with supporting someone with mental health issues and it is very regular that they don't remember details of events when they are at the height of their unwellness. They will remember something very specific ( like dialling the police) but will not remember their behaviour before that and act like it was a normal..l am just popping over to friends. Going by my experience there will be a lot more involved and no amount of explanation will cause that person later to listen to the whole story.
Is your dp generally supportive?
To be brutally honest sometimes the support person goes through hell and the lack of awareness and insight later from the sufferer adds to their burden. So l am not happy with people calling it gaslighting etc if they have never been in the situation. People who support dear ones with severe mh issues will be fully aware that this may not be the case.

I'll take the comments that I was 'demanding', though 'needy' is probably how I'd describe it at the time. I never demanded anything. My mental health had crashed and I felt extremely vulnerable and lost. I'm normally very independent.

The bed thing upset me because DP sleeps in a separate bed because he says he sleeps better. Sometimes it feels extremely lonely and it's led to a loss of intimacy. I just asked if I could lie next to him at that point for a sense of comfort. Perhaps I expect too much.

The eating one I'll take. It is a bit much to expect someone to be there for support at all times of day as I can see how draining it must be.

Yes missing out on the job had really upset him and I accept posters saying that he too needed support. I wasn't able to provide that at that time as I was so unwell and I get what some are saying about my feelings trumping his. On that particular day my
anxiety had escalated and I was at the beginning of starting medication. I felt in a desperately bad place.

So can you see that contradicts "even at my lowest point I would provide support?" You werent able as you were unwell. So he had just lost his job and needed support himself and yet you are cross at himcfor not providing support?

I think the relationship had probably runnits course as for this period, aside from what's going on, you aren't well enough to be in a relarionship without being dependant. (I've been there too.) Take some time to get better xxx

Youre saying at your lowest point you couldnt provide support. He is saying in his lowest place he couldnt provide support.

I've been in the place where I've called the police (well usually via social sevices tbh) for a relative who is unwell and not known what to do. It is incredibly hard to support someone when you are at a low point yourself.

Were you moving between two homes? Staying over at your friends house and then coming home to your own home?? If that’s the case maybe he felt anxious about that at the height of the pandemic….

When we are very unwell we can look to others to "fix it" in a way they just can't too. It can be like an unending need amd although not at all intentional, very very hard for those nearby to sustain support.

I think too we can look to things to blame when we've been unwell ("if only he did x/I had supportive parents/lived somewhere else....)

If you are in a better place I have found therapy has helped to accept where I'm at (well most of the time) and to take responsibility/move forwards etc. Pretty impossible to do in the moment of crisis but worth working on when life is calmer.

@chorizoTapas

If my partner 'needed' a cuddle just before I was about to eat I'd roll my eyes too tbh. I'm not saying he was right or that you weren't struggling but there seems to be a lot of you demanding his attention and maybe he was struggling too? especially when he lost the job etc

Totally agree

He is adamant I'm twisting the story and I'm not 'remembering it right' which upsets me more as it denies my feelings and also get me doubting myself and how I feel about it. Am I overreacting here? Does it seem as bad to others as if fees to me? He hasn't stopped trying to tell me that my version is wrong but the only truth I have is my own and my feelings.

He’s gaslighting you for starters and secondly, it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting any joy or support from this relationship & it’s turned toxic. Why are you still together? Life is too short.

To be fair, he may not be gaslighting. We don't actually know that. In most situations there both sides stories and then what really happened.

We often see things only from out own perspective. I have depression and anxiety I have also cared for someone with severe depression. Often, after an incident, both can have completely different views of what took place. It's not always lying or gaslighting.

I had severe depression and anxiety and I know full well that my recollection of some events doesn’t quite match up. I even thought I’d been into work for a meeting with someone, but I hadn’t.

I’m not saying your recollection of events is wrong, but it can happen during a MH crisis that you remember things that didn’t happen and forget things that did.

It sounds as though both of you were in a bad place mentally and weren’t able to support each other.

I have mental health issues myself and also look after a family member who has significant mental health issues - hearing you say you were upset if he was about to eat and you wanted a hug or he was tired and you wanted a cuddle really resonates with me. When people have severe mental health issues they can revert to impulsively focusing on themselves and what they need without consideration that their carer needs a break to revive their own energy both for their own sake and for those of the person they are caring for. Its not great that you think he can't relax and enjoy a meal that he instead had to be instantly available to you to provide for your needs or that he was not allowed to be tired and lie by himself - he had to give you a cuddle because that is what you wanted/needed - the fact he needed not to be touching anyone does not seem to register with you as important. The thing I find the more the person who I care for insists I need respond to their needs without consideration for my own - things go a bit pearshaped. So we talk alot about boundaries and giving each other the space when we need it.
BUT - I don't get why he was like that with your friends. Really encouraging you to seek support from your friends is an ideal scenario as it allows you two time apart and for him to have some time alone or doing something he enjoys to relax.

Ok thanks everyone. when I said 'provide support' I just meant be to kind. To be 'supportive' in my eyes is to be compassionate.

I know I feel that a lot of his actions at that time were unkind. And that's all that matters.
At the end of the day I've got bogged down in silly details here. In the grand scheme of things I'm very unhappy in the relationship and I was looking to discuss a plan of separation with DP. He doesn't want to separate and is trying to convince me to stay based on me 'being wrong' about details of that time. I guess I was trying to get reassurance that i was justified in my decision but ultimately i shouldn't need to come here to do that.

It isn't just about this one thing. There are many many issues in the relationship. I feel guilty for wanting it to end when DP so desperately doesn't and we end up going round and round on little things as he tries to convince me to stay whilst I try to convince him of the many reasons I need to go. I need space but he's unwilling to give it to me right now so I'm trying to figure stuff out. I wanted my son to stay in his home to keep his life as normal as possible but DP has stated that if I want to go then I should be the one to leave. It's exhausting

Have you written about him before? The eye rolling when he’s about to eat sounds very familiar. Mental health issues are terrible for the person but also for the people around supporting them, tirelessly. He doesn’t sound that kind here but we aren’t looking at any of the support he has offered. We don’t know his view. When he was upset about the job, you didn’t offer him support but still needed it yourself. Perhaps he was just exhausted with it all.
It does sound draining, I’m not sure many people could do it if I’m honest. To have to consider someone else all the time above your own needs, I think I’d only do it for my child.
Him not wanting you in people’s homes in the pandemic may seem really not kind but maybe the thought of you catching Covid on top of your mental health concerns pushed him to the limit.

Sorry, you were expecting your child to stay living there? In his property or this a jointly owned place?

It sounds as if you were both in a bad place and neither of you had the ability to support the other as a result. Your post is very much about what you were expecting from him and how he let you down but not much about how you showed him the kindness, compassion and support you were expecting.

@CinnabarRed

I’m sorry you were so depressed and anxious.

I would be fascinated to hear his version of events.

Yes I agree You sound very difficult OP, although I appreciate it’s not entirely your fault. The needing a cuddle when he was about to eat etc would be very wearing and when he needed support he didn’t get it. Maybe he was a total arse over you going to your friends but it is also possible that he was genuinely concerned that you were putting yourself at risk and thought threatening to call The Police was the only way to make you listen?

You can leave whatever the reasoning though. He doesn't need to agree with your reasoning and it can be as petty as you like.

You don't need to justify it beyond that you simply don't wish to be in that relationship anymore

@Throwthecam

You can leave whatever the reasoning though. He doesn't need to agree with your reasoning and it can be as petty as you like.

You don't need to justify it beyond that you simply don't wish to be in that relationship anymore

This is certainly true. You can end your relationship at any time. You may need to leave your house (depending on who owns/rents it, etc), but that's not insurmountable. Your DS will cope, I promise you that.

It feels as If you're looking for justification to leave a relationship you're unhappy in. If you want out, leave. If your son is also his son, and you want him to remain in the house, then he becomes resident parent. If you want to separate but have your son with you then YOU make arrangements to leave. No further discussion is necessary. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong if you want out. But please don't use this sad situation to try to strengthen your position that YOU and son should remain in the house as HE was in the wrong. It is unlikely that your recollection is 100% on this. Deep breath, accept that things sometimes just don't work and move on with your life without anger, blame or recrimination. I genuinely wish you the best.

Maybe he was also struggling. As you said he was rejected for a job. Maybe he also needed reassuring. Maybe he also was having mental health difficulties. Maybe he also needed to feel ‘validated’. Calling the police was maybe his own cry for help. Mn are so quick to accuse men of gaslighting. You’re allowed to need support. So is he. You sound like you’re doing a lot of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming it on your mental health tbh.

Thanks for the perspective everyone. It's diffused my anger about the situation and helped me to see things more clearly. It's a joint house but I paid the deposit. I want things to be fair and I care a lot about DP and ultimately he's my child's father and I want things to be amicable but I know it's not always easy. He is adamant he wants us to work on stuff but I know in my heart it's not right and I can't keep going.

There are bigger issues here than the ones mentioned. I guess at the time of writing I was fixating on the one as him being the 'bad guy' helps me to justify myself but this is unfair and I see now how this is something I was doing through guilt and in my attempts to make him see just one of the many reasons why the relationship doesn't work.
Rest assured I would never paint DP in a bad light to my son, his well-being and happiness is priority.

@chorizoTapas

If my partner 'needed' a cuddle just before I was about to eat I'd roll my eyes too tbh. I'm not saying he was right or that you weren't struggling but there seems to be a lot of you demanding his attention and maybe he was struggling too? especially when he lost the job etc

I agree. I was on his side, but then I read why he threatened to call the police. Who the hell rings the police because someone wants to see their family? He sounds deranged and you sound too clingy. This relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

There have been many times I have had to call for help for someone with mental health issues. Their recollection is that "they were fine." This is not at all uncommon.

There are times they have needed inpatient care against their will ("sectioning. ") Their memory is still fuzzy and sometimes believe I just did that (as if! Needs 3 MH professionals/psych/dr to agree someone is very much at risk.)

I know thats not the case here but very mucb want to counter the view that they must be gaslighting. Its very common to remember things differently when very unwell.