Why am I not able to form "deeper" relationships with other people?

[ToooOldForThis]

I'll use work as an example but this happens in other situations too...

Been in my current workplace a good few years. Not management. Lovely colleagues, we all get on, the odd night out etc. But I am increasingly aware that I don't get past the surface work relationships and other people do. I hear afterwards that xy and z got together so the kids could play, or I was helping x move house, or we went round for dinner with z cos our dhs have met and seem to get on well. I am never involved or aware of these things till later! A few colleagues mentioned that they used to meet an ex colleague regularly for drinks...we all worked together but I didn't know they were meeting after she left!

Work is an example but even in other areas...eg a group of friends I have had for years since the kids were younger, we meet quite regularly...then I'll become aware that between meet ups they'll have done other things, like oh x mentioned something in her garden so I took her round some cuttings.
I don't feel excluded as such, but I'm at a loss as to how they seem to be able to take it to the next level so to speak, and i can't!
I'll be part of a conversation and someone will say something like oh How's your dad after his operation? I'll join in, but am inwardly thinking what op? How do I not know this?

I feel I don't have the same support network as a result, they all have good relationships with neighbours and colleagues, always have someone's dog to walk or plants to water while someone is on holiday and people who do that for them.

I feel it must be some conversational skill I'm lacking? Or vibe I'm giving off?
I feel well liked enough but just don't seem to make these connections?

Any advice would be really appreciated!

I have no good advice for you, but I'll be interested in the responses.

Would you ever make the first move? Ask someone out for a coffee? Or for some help?

I think sometimes people are just more open to taking relationships further? Like the garden example you used - someone mentioned it and the other person acted on it by taking round the cuttings.

Are you the sort of person who starts conversations or asks people about themselves? Or in a group would you usually stay quite quiet and wait until someone asks about you? Would you ask someone if they want to go out for lunch or would you wait and see if someone asks you first.
Sometimes a shy person can be very self absorbed, they are so focussed on their own feelings that they don't take an interest in other people's lives. Then other people are asking about each other and getting to know each other, but the self conscious person doesn't do that. They wait to see if anyone shows interest in them. If no one does particularly on that occasion then that adds fuel to the 'nobody's interested in me' fire.
If you have a belief that you are not someone people are interested in then you may be behaving in a way that makes people think you are not particularly interested in getting to know them, that you seem prefer your own company.
Not saying this is you! Its just an example of how different personalities might act in a group situations.

I guess it varies, sometimes it's having mutual interests that can be developed further ect

If you are honest with yourself, is this bothering you because you actually care about these people's lives or are you just feeling a bit slighted by being left out?

That's a genuine question not a dig, and you don't have to answer except to yourself.

I often feel like you do, but if I'm honest with myself the reason I don't click into many people's lives is because we don't have much in common (kids, interests, whatever) outside the context in which we know each other. That's not to say I dislike them or don't enjoy their company at the time, nor them me (I hope!), just that there's no foundation on which to build a deeper connection.

So when I realised that I realised that if I feel left out, it's not actually because I wanted to know that person better in a way that respects who they actually are, it's because my ego feels a bit miffed that they didn't want to know me better. And that's not a good basis for a friendship nor indeed a good reason to feel left out of one!

It sounds like you’re waiting for other people to want to do something. Have you ever offered to look after someone’s kids or whatever? Or if you find out someone is moving, do you offer to help? Or say shall we get the kids together.

I am like this - people are pleasant enough to me but it never goes any deeper.

In my case, it's because I'm autistic.

PourUs has an interesting view on it. Very self aware!

I find friendships develop when you offer to help.
An ex-neighbour needing a lift for a week or two after an op. A friend with an ASD husband who just needed to vent and then forget what she'd said.

I do have good friends but I am not that good about making new ones. I'm friendly and will chat but I do sometimes hold myself back assuming they won't be interested in taking things further with me. I am shy inside but would seem confident to others, so they wouldn't realise this. I remember once a colleague telling me I wasn't shy, like someone we were discussing who was very awkward, and it made me realise how others see me.

I also tend to get focused on the task in hand or whatever and I don't automatically see opportunities for making friends, whereas some people seem to approach life differently - seeing all situations as a chance to be social.

Sometimes I go through phases of making myself focus on looking for friendship openings and act as if I think I'm good friend material - and lo and behold, it works! But I can't make myself be like this all the time. And to be fair, a lot of people aren't really my "type" even though I like most of them.

I'd agree with @Mintjulia, I think friendships develop when you offer to help too. Or show interest in the other person.

I have a colleague I work with closely and we chat alot. But when I say 'we' chat, it is her chatting for ages about her, her husband, kids, extended family, concerns. She might ask briefly after a while about me, my situation, and I'll maybe get to speak for a few sentences, and then it lurches back to her and her situation. This doesn't happen for me with other friends or colleagues, but I have seen her doing it in a range of situations. I know she feels on the edge of friendships, but she doesn't seem to see that friendships are two way, and she doesn't appear at all interested in the other person in the conversation, just as a hook to say her piece.

I'm not saying this is your situation, but I'm mentioning it in case any bit might help. In my colleague's situation she does mention sometimes that she doesn't have friends, but there isn't any way I feel I can feed this in to her, nor I think would she want it.

Thank you all! So much to think about. I am quite anxious about small talk type situations, always over analyse them afterwards. It doesn't come easily to me, and I do make a conscious effort to ask lots of questions, but then sometimes I feel like I'm interrogating the person I'm speaking to!
I don't share much about myself, as I don't honestly think people would be that interested. But then I can see how that would limit opportunities to get to know people more.
Sorry I don't know how to quote previous posters, but whoever asked am I really wanting those connections or just feeling miffed...great question and I'd say it's probably 50/50 depending on the situation. For example 2 colleagues had dinner with their OHs, now the husbands are friends independently of that and play golf together. Now it's silly of me to be miffed at that as my dh doesn't play golf! But I don't know what made the 1 colleague invite the other colleague and not anyone else? How did they make that bond? Other times I'd genuinely like to be part of it and i do feel they have richer lives for having all those connections.
I do offer to help , and have lent people things, eg a book we were maybe discussing.
But you are right (sorry not sure who said it) I don't think I'd make the 1st move? As I guess I wouldn't want to presume / over step?

I wonder with all of those things you're mentioned, if people think you’re not interested in taking a friendship further. Could you come across as very private and self contained? You do have to make the first move sometimes. But also be ok with rejection. I’ve been making friends on the school run a bit. Have asked a few if they wanted to do things. Some say yes, but some are really vague and don’t answer my texts. It’s just the way it is. Some people don’t want to be friends. But you don’t know until you try.

I’m similar OP. I heard someone say once that when they’re in social situations where they feel anxious, they try to think about the other person rather than them-self. So rather than a natural tendency (for me anyway) to be thinking ‘Make small talk, seem interesting, ask some questions, jeez not TOO many questions, does this person seem bored by me? etc etc, they instead try to put themselves in a frame of mind where they’re genuinely interested in the other person (obviously only if they really are but just usually struggle to focus on that- otherwise it’s just fake!), and try to think ‘it doesn’t matter what comes out of today, I’m not trying to gain friends or make people like me, I just want to see if I can help make someone else smile or feel happier or bring someone who looks shy into a conversation.’ It sounds a bit odd but it’s helped me loads; by reframing what I hope to get out of it, it takes the focus away from me internalising everything, and has the knock on effect of making me act more natural, in which case social interactions go better anyway. Sorry I know you’re not saying you have social anxiety, just thought I’d share and interested in what other people have to say on this!

I think sometimes it's a case of making yourself vulnerable, opening up and letting people get to know you. It's not necessarily, l have noticed, being the nicest friendliest person but more of being yourself, letting down your defences and letting others in. I am not saying l do that but when l have l have made dear friends but my basic instinct is to self protect.

I'm like this. I'm a very private person and don't open up to people so my friendships are very superficial. I'm also autistic.

Oh Rosegoldeagle I'm pretty sure I do! I think I even come across as distracted because I'm over analysing the conversation as it's going!
Swanshaped, people have often commented on me being independent...I know I'm not good at asking for or accepting help.

I just seem to come across continual instances of people's lives being more inter twined than mine is with anyone. I do have friends and don't always feel lonely as such, but I'm just constantly surprised and then saddened when I see people being able to connect like that. I don't feel like someone who "keeps themselves to themselves" but maybe that's how i come over ?

Oh sorry missed some posts there. I definitely don't share my problems or open up much.

I’m a bit like this, and have realised I don’t make enough effort. This thread had actually prompted me to message a couple of friends I haven’t done for a while.

I’m like you OP, have always struggled to make new friends easily.
My DH is the total opposite, he seems to pick up new friends wherever he goes. After years of observing him I’ve realised that he basically just makes a lot of effort and isn’t afraid to ‘make the first move’ in a friendship. Like when he starts a new job he’ll just ask people to go for lunch or after work drinks. He’s also very good at staying in touch with people and not letting friendships fizzle out.
I don’t have the same confidence as him and am also just generally not as sociable but have tried to learn from this and was able to make a few new friends whilst on maternity leave last year just by putting myself out there a bit. Like, I noticed that my neighbour didn’t work on a certain day so asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and a coffee and it became a regular thing. You might be surprised at how receptive people are if you put the effort into building a friendship.

Funnily enough I am very good at keeping up with the friends I do have.. I am good at messaging and quite often am the one doing the arranging. But it's this new friendship thing...like how is Betty from the office somehow now someone you are playing tennis with? When I've known her for years and thought we got on fine, but tennis playing has never been mentioned?

(Random made up illustration, but hopefully you get my point!l

Tennis possibly followed on from a conversation about Wimbledon. Do you build on conversations, because it would be quite easy to say I like playing tennis, do you? Do you fancy it it ? What's the worse that can happen- they make an excuse and say no. Try someone else!
I'm not good at issuing invitations- but I've seen others who are and made notes!
My social life revolves around a hobby group so I'm not too bothered about additional stuff if I'm really honest with myself

Is there a reason that you don't invite them over to your house? Or is there a reason you dont instigate a day out?

Funnily enough house visits really really stress me as I feel like my house is quite messy/shabby compared to other people's. So I do tend to avoid that as I can't face all the cleaning prep. Meeting somewhere I'd have no issue with but I never seem to get to that point in the conversation/relationship.

Quickly off the top of my head, things that I have found helpful coz I'm a bit similar. I'm autistic and pretty introverted, don't do great at groups and find casual relationships hard to navigate.

Ask for help with something - paint party (drink and paint/decorate a room), moving something, charity event/car boot sale etc. I'm sure I read somewhere that asking for a small simple favour is supposed to help with connections.

Invite people to do things - Go for coffee/drinks/meal, to an activity like a walk somewhere/ something connected to an interest or hobby of yours.

Take an interest in peoples hobbies, you say you've heard about someone's "tennis" games recently, offer yourself as a partner if they are ever stuck for one. Only if it's something you fancy doing obviously, don't offer to do things you'd hate

Try to be a bit more open - you don't have to monologue about all your worldly woes but being a little more open about yourself I've found helps people connect with you on a personal level and more likely to have a closer relationship with you.