Why am I not able to form "deeper" relationships with other people?

[ToooOldForThis]

I'll use work as an example but this happens in other situations too...

Been in my current workplace a good few years. Not management. Lovely colleagues, we all get on, the odd night out etc. But I am increasingly aware that I don't get past the surface work relationships and other people do. I hear afterwards that xy and z got together so the kids could play, or I was helping x move house, or we went round for dinner with z cos our dhs have met and seem to get on well. I am never involved or aware of these things till later! A few colleagues mentioned that they used to meet an ex colleague regularly for drinks...we all worked together but I didn't know they were meeting after she left!

Work is an example but even in other areas...eg a group of friends I have had for years since the kids were younger, we meet quite regularly...then I'll become aware that between meet ups they'll have done other things, like oh x mentioned something in her garden so I took her round some cuttings.
I don't feel excluded as such, but I'm at a loss as to how they seem to be able to take it to the next level so to speak, and i can't!
I'll be part of a conversation and someone will say something like oh How's your dad after his operation? I'll join in, but am inwardly thinking what op? How do I not know this?

I feel I don't have the same support network as a result, they all have good relationships with neighbours and colleagues, always have someone's dog to walk or plants to water while someone is on holiday and people who do that for them.

I feel it must be some conversational skill I'm lacking? Or vibe I'm giving off?
I feel well liked enough but just don't seem to make these connections?

Any advice would be really appreciated!

If you did organise a meeting for coffee/dinner party/ helping someone move, would you actually enjoy it and be comfortable with it?

Because I am one of these people that find it easy to make friends and organise play dates etc but I find that I really don't particularly look forward to them. I enjoy them I suppose, but it's a ton of mental energy for me tbh.

Friendships take a lot of work and effort, they really do. Especially new ones.

@ToooOldForThis

Thank you all! So much to think about. I am quite anxious about small talk type situations, always over analyse them afterwards. It doesn't come easily to me, and I do make a conscious effort to ask lots of questions, but then sometimes I feel like I'm interrogating the person I'm speaking to! I don't share much about myself, as I don't honestly think people would be that interested. But then I can see how that would limit opportunities to get to know people more. Sorry I don't know how to quote previous posters, but whoever asked am I really wanting those connections or just feeling miffed...great question and I'd say it's probably 50/50 depending on the situation. For example 2 colleagues had dinner with their OHs, now the husbands are friends independently of that and play golf together. Now it's silly of me to be miffed at that as my dh doesn't play golf! But I don't know what made the 1 colleague invite the other colleague and not anyone else? How did they make that bond? Other times I'd genuinely like to be part of it and i do feel they have richer lives for having all those connections. I do offer to help , and have lent people things, eg a book we were maybe discussing. But you are right (sorry not sure who said it) I don't think I'd make the 1st move? As I guess I wouldn't want to presume / over step?

Two things strike me as likely, and they could both be true.

(1) Because they’re getting on with getting to know one another while you’re feeling anxious about smalltalk or over-analysing what you said, which makes you self-absorbed, not actually engaging with or interesting the other person, because you’re too busy planning what questions to ask, or worrying about what you just said.

And/or

(2) you’re behaving as though these are pleasant generic people, not individuals. People aren’t attracted to all other people in a given environment equally — aren’t there individuals at work you find more interesting than others? Have you ever issued these individuals an invitation?

The other question that springs to mind is — what are you bringing to the table? Other than being a basically pleasant human being and decent colleague, what is it about you that would make someone interested in knowing you better?

I’ve moved to new place fairly recently and have been getting to know DS’s friends’ parents. Of a group of 8, there are only two I’ve started seeing individually because they’re on my wavelength, work in the arts, similar politics etc.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I have also noticed it the most at work, although it happens in every area of life, I think because you are right there to witness the friendship growing (depending on the type of work you do). In my team we work all together all day, so I watch people meet and witness literally all their conversations. They seem to be similar in content and friendliness to the conversations they have with me. But then I'll see them coming back from lunch together or hear that they went out together last night. I don't get it.

As I've got older I mind less though, in a lot of ways it's freeing to just be the acquaintance. I've also noticed the instant deep friendships happen most often when the new person is young and attractive. Particularly if it's a young attractive women, all the men instantly form deep friendships with her . I can't help how I look so I don't take it personally.

I don't share much about myself, as I don't honestly think people would be that interested.

This is the reason I would say. I find it very difficult to talk about myself and I'm not an emotional person so it's hard to put over how I feel about personal things. And I realised later in life that I don't think anyone would particularly want to be my friend.

I have a very similar problem. I seem to be generally well liked (I think) and people always laugh at my jokes and comment on how funny I am. I just don't seem to be able to access that deeper connection, or at least with very few people.

I think it's probably down to several factors for me, but mostly as a few pp have said it's my own insecurities and self-consciousness. I'm always worried about what people think of me. I hate sharing personal information, not because I'm especially private but because I don't know if anyone will actually be interested or I'm embarrassed about it. So at work, when I started a new relationship (with my now DH) I didn't mention it, just eventually started dropping him into conversations like he'd always been around. Contrast to my colleague who has a lot of work friends, she would tell everyone about every first date and get people invested.

I'm also for similar reasons bad at asking people about their personal lives, especially when it comes to sensitive things like offering condolences. I don't know how so I just kind of skirt around it.

I'm always just too focussed on what people are thinking of me, and as PPs have said it stops me from connecting properly. From an early age I've developed a sense of humour as a way to try and get people to like me, but really I think I use it as a bit of a shield and it actually distances people.

This has been an interesting and useful thread. I've moved areas recently and am starting a new job soon, and really want to try and make some friends.

I think they key is being vulnerable. Not being able to know how people will take things / be interested is the whole point. That is being vulnerable and it can be hard. People aren't going to share and get close to you if it's one sided. It doesn't have to be much, just snippets of your life or feelings. It may feel incredibly strange but try and share one thing for every two or three things you learn for starters.

My sister is a very anxious person and it does come across as her being quite rude. She doesn't mean to but she tends to focus on her feelings more than other peoples and seems to live in a little bit of a bubble which is impenetrable. It makes me feel like I don't matter so we aren't as close as we could be. I can feel anxious sometimes too but seem slightly more able than her to rationalise my way out of it and I'm quite an over sharer so don't struggle so much socially (although this extreme is no picnic either and leads to much painful post meet up analysis!)

Try and relax and imagine the conversation as ping pong. They share, you share etc

It sounds like you put yourself down quite a lot. Think that no one would be interested, your house is shabby, don’t want to ask for help, think you’re over stepping the mark etc. All negative things. You sound lovely, stop being so harsh on yourself! What activities would you feel comfortable doing with someone? Walk, cafe, gigs, cinema, helping someone out?

And you do need to share a bit with people. But not all at once. It’s levels of trust. So you give a tiny bit of sensitive info, and if that is ok, then a bit more next time. If your trust is broken then you know that that person isn’t trustworthy or worth friendship.

Similarity is what brings people together.
People who enjoy popular things that are enjoyed by many will always have many friends.

At work, pay attention to what people are talking about. Television shows news, sport, holidays, hobbies.

Join in on these conversations. Learn to tell stories. If you find out someone is good at something, ask them for help or advice about it.

Thank you all, such wise replies, and I'm glad it's resonating with other people too. This comment stood out to me:

The other question that springs to mind is — what areyoubringing to the table? Other than being a basically pleasant human being and decent colleague, what is it about you that would make someone interested in knowing you better?

(Sorry I don't know how to do proper quotes!) The answer to that makes me quake in my boots! Honestly I don't think I bring anything to the table! I am kind and decent and all of the above, but I can't see that I have anything that would particularly make people want to get more involved.
I do suffer from nerves prior to a social thing, but I really then enjoy them and feel "lifted" afterwards.

I find opening up really hard...not wanting to drip feed but my marriage is pretty rocky ,no one knows that. I think I fear that if I opened up it might be like opening the floodgates! And I don't honestly see what good it would do....I squirm a bit at the thought of people feeling sorry for me!

@Weebleweeble did you make friends? Or just accept the way it was? I do have friends but they were all made a long time ago

tooold that’s the problem. You don’t see value in yourself just for being you. It’s not like you have to have all these amazing things going on in your life and hobbies and volunteering or whatever to make you interesting. When I saw that comment you quoted, I thought it was a load of rubbish. I think most people just want company and it can be small things that bring people together. If you go into every situation wondering what you’re going to add, and worrying about whether you’re interesting enough, no wonder you get yourself in a tizz and feel anxious. It’s too much pressure. But as you start to get to know someone, you might realise that there’s something new you want to try, that they might also want to try. And go from there. Or the offering to help that’s been mentioned.

I'm like this too. I've lived in my neighbourhood for 12 years but my neighbour of 2 years knows lots of people by name that I've never even seen before, I wonder how people like this operate. I was brought up by my mother not to be "forward" so I think this may be where I'm going wrong.

that’s the problem. You don’t see value in yourself just for being you. It’s not like you have to have all these amazing things going on in your life and hobbies and volunteering or whatever to make you interesting. When I saw that comment you quoted, I thought it was a load of rubbish. I think most people just want company and it can be small things that bring people together. If you go into every situation wondering what you’re going to add, and worrying about whether you’re interesting enough, no wonder you get yourself in a tizz and feel anxious. It’s too much pressure.

I think you're misinterpreting my comment, @SwanShaped. There's absolutely no point, obviously in worrying whether you are 'interesting enough' -- that's what the OP is doing at the moment, anyway, when she second-guesses what she's about to say in social situations and then over-analyses it afterwards, and my point stands that this kind of self-consciousness make you come across as self-absorbed, because you're too concerned with how you're coming across to pay much attention to the other person or people.

My point about 'what do you bring to the table?' is precisely what you say, that the OP doesn't value herself enough. She is enough, just as she is, for some people it won't be everyone, but no one is appealing to everyone but nothing puts other people off like someone not valuing themselves. If you don't think you're worthy of being asked over for dinner and behave as though it's natural to overlook you, why would someone set themselves to fight through layers of self-consciousness and 'Don't mind me' in order to see if there's a gem inside?

I think most people just want company

I don't actually think that's generally true, though. I'm in a new country where I know noone at all, and am working on forging some new friendships, and while I've met large numbers of people who are basically pleasant and decent human beings, I look for more in friendships. Even when I'm starting from scratch. And not just a basic similarity. I suppose I tend to make friends with people who inhabit their own lives well, especially those who are interested in their work, and who are good talkers. But that's just me.

There will be people looking for exactly what the OP is, but they won't necessarily find her if she doesn't value herself as an individual with her own individual stuff, rather than as some inoffensively pleasant generic colleague.

Good luck, @ToooOldForThis. Invite some people around for dinner.

I can identify with everything you have said OP. I used to care a lot and go to every effort to make friends but over the last few years I've had a lot on my plate with my kids and other stuff and I just haven't got the time and energy to go out my way for people. People just give off friendlier vibes more than others and some people may appear more stand offish.

Sometimes you just have to keep making the first move and accept that you will get rejections - but also deeper connections. Last year I saw a friend posting about an activity on FB and messaged to say 'i'd love to try that, might I be able to come along one time?' Now we both go twice a week . You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and make the first move.

FittedSheet Yeah I’ve changed my mind on my previous comment about people just wanting company. I take that back.

I think I did misunderstand you. I thought you were saying you have to have hobbies to be interesting or friend-worthy, which isn’t true.

I make friends quite easily ....and I think it’s because I’m quite nosey ....I’m genuinely fascinated by other people and how they live their lives. I don’t ask questions out of small talk ....I want to explore them, and usually find some common ground. Also I’m naturally cheerful ( annoying ) which helps .....so if I’m having a shit time ....rather than moan and drone on I will find something funny in adversity of it. ( not suggesting that you moan or drone on ....some do though )

Thank you again! Definitely not a moaner...probably the opposite, I always say everything is fine even when it's not!

I identify with the poster above in terms of time available- I have 2 kids, a ft job and a dh who is barely here. So I did actually see an opportunity as someone used as an example above- I saw a fb post of a sort of mutual acquaintance, who has started doing a hobby I'm interested in. Started to message to say oh could I maybe tag along one time...then stopped and thought how could that even happen? Who'd watch the kids ? And so on and so on,and in the end I didn't message.

The example with the neighbours really resonated too...how do people get to know their neighbours?!

I'm rarely the person to start a conversation or initiate a get together as I don't think anybody would be interested in me or that they'd not turn up (as happened many years ago) then I was left feeling like a fool and thinking they were laughing about me behind my back.

"how do people get to know their neighbours?!"

Started a street WhatsApp. Start small with immediate neighbours then get their immediate neighbours involved, and so on. Lend out spade, advertise your spare tomato seedlings, ask if you can borrow a drill, suggest a street advent calendar, ask if a local teenager wants to earn money weeding the garden, etc.

But you make a good point re time available. When there isn't much to spare, contacts do suffer - that's inevitable. But sometimes it is also priorities. The busiest person I know (works ft, tiny kids etc) is also the one who always makes time to deliver food to isolating elderly neighbours, read with the kids at school, learn a language. No, I don't know how she does it either, but I guess her first priority is always, always connection with others.

@RaraRachael that's awful I'm so sorry. I don't fear people not turning up, but I do fear them turning up then slagging off my house or kids or what I'd cooked etc.

@Kralia I really love those street ideas!

Hi op.

Your post struck a cord with me. Similar to my experiences. I had a quick look through the responses, but I couldn't see what I'm about to suggest. Could you have ASD?

I do. I was diagnosed after I came across an article on women with ASD. I was diagnosed privately at age 35. Just a thought. Please don't take offence if I'm way off the mark.

@SwanShaped

FittedSheet Yeah I’ve changed my mind on my previous comment about people just wanting company. I take that back.

I think I did misunderstand you. I thought you were saying you have to have hobbies to be interesting or friend-worthy, which isn’t true.

God, no. People obsessed with macramé/ long-distance cycling/ Dungeons and Dragons are safe from me.

But OP, more seriously, you’ve answered your own question in one of your updates. You don’t develop deeper friendships with people at work because your husband doesn’t do his fair share of childcare, so you’re never able to join in or initiate things outside of work hours. That’s not your fault, and is nothing to do with your personality.

If your husband cannot be brought to look after his own children at night (it’s not clear whether he’s usually away for work, or just not interested in his children?), can you hire a babysitter?

It doesnt sound like there's anything wrong with you, it sounds more like you don't have key things in common with your colleagues. This is what's needed for things to go to the next level. These things in common can be superficial or even nasty e.g. gossip about the same person at work and have running jokes about it , so it's in no way a reflection on you.

In most workplaces it's not actually the norm for people to be doing things together outside of work as much as what you describe . You're either in a profession that's quite cliquey which attracts certain types of people and they therefore tend to click with each other, or you in a workplace of people who don't really have many friends outside of work so use work for this.

I have deep meaningful friendships but I've never ever had made a proper friend at work. I've found a lot of people are overly dependent on work to make friends but that's never been the case for me. I'm friendly with colleagues and care about them, but I'm similar to you in that I'm not massively good with small talk or superficiality and I find that if I don't have something deeper in common with them, I dont move onto the next level.

I feel much the same - I work and go to various other things where I meet people but I never make friends. TBH I seldom meet people I really feel a kinship with... and when I do meet people I like they always seem to live on the totally other side of town so we can never just 'drop by' or 'nip out for a drink' and it seems hard to casually forge a relationship because meeting up is a big deal and I suppose I worry I might seem to be asking too much.

Like other posters, I have a DH who makes friends easily - all my 'new' friends have been through him really.

Friendships develop through common interests.
Try and find common ground. Walking or sports maybe? A lunchtime walk? Once you start you may find others tag along.
Be interested in peoples lives. Ask about their children or families.
Finally what your describing is very common so don't beat yourself up!