How to handle changing financial situation in a marriage

[Sarpur14]

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, one child together and another on the way.

We have always split household bills 50/50. He has things like expensive sports subscription but I've always paid towards it. I completed all home improvements, bought all furniture, put the deposit down on our home, pay for all things relating to our child. My husband would contribute £100 per month (said it was all he could afford) despite earning £30,000 per year. I left it as I manged fine on my wage. Covid hit and I've lost £800 pcm. We still pay 50% bills (fine) he pays more towards one of our joint debts which I covered for 2 years previously.

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem. Gambling has been addressed, he is paying off the debt. It has left us struggling a huge deal. I asked this week for £5 towards something for our son, he said he couldn't afford it. Today he has had an afternoon in the pub and spent £30 (not much but considering he couldn't afford £5 for something for son I am annoyed) I am pregnant and while he was having drinks I asked for l some food. He added this amount up in front of me and said I would need to pay it back. He ate the food too. I didn't want to make a scene.

I feel hurt and annoyed. I don't feel like it's been fair. I'm facing the 6 week holidays, with £30 per week to entertain our son. He pays £50 a month into savings for things for the baby. I will be expected to pay the full cost of entertaining our son while he works. If we go to the cinema or do something as a family we pay 50/50 but I am off over the holidays and my money will go on our son. Im not sure if I'm justified in feeling hard-done by.
I've always covered clothing/things for home/sons entertainment etc and now i can't afford to do this. My husband knows we need these things. He spends 'his' money on socialising (i don't really socialise) and does do things with us as a family (covering 50%) im just so upset that he could spend that money in the pub, but whenever I ask him for something we need its always 'when I get paid' even if he's just been paid or that he can't afford it. Im so fed up.

I’d be fed up too

That's an unpleasant situation to be in op.

Your husband doesn't need to pay £50 a month into savings for your baby. Saving money is fine when you can afford it, at the moment you can't. That £50 would help you.

It's good he has tackled his gambling problem and I hope he doesn't lapse. However spending £30 in the pub when you are going short is just not on.

Instead of asking for extra money in bits and pieces, sit down with him and outline your expenditure plus what you need for your son, and make him see that his expensive habits are unnecessary. He might be prepared to only go out with friends to the pub occasionally. I hope so.

As a couple you need debt and financial management counselling and advice. I doubt that would be necessary for you alone but if you intend to remain together you need it.

The debt problem isn’t resolved. If it was the OP would read very differently and you would both be behaving very differently. I would go to Money Saving Expert and use the resources and expertise on there to start dealing properly with the debt and income problems you are facing as a couple. It all sounds doable if you are willing. But you both have to recognise the full scale of your problems.

If you can’t do that as a couple, because one or both of you don’t want to, then why are you together and planning on expanding your family. That’s a different type of counselling.

My exH was like this. Never had any money (also had a secret gambling habit) but did when it suited. Has not changed. No money for recent DC medical bill but just bought VR headset. It wasn't the only reason we split up but it was a big factor.

You refer to him as both your partner and your husband, which is he? (Relevant in case you decide to get rid of this dead weight).

Are you married?
Do you own your home? If so do you have any equity?
Do you have any other assets and savings ?
Is your deposit ring fenced?
Have you run a credit report on your dh to establish if he has been totally honest with you as to the extent of his debts?

To be honest any man that resents paying £ for his child while spending 6 times that in himself or resents buying food for his pregnant wife is not not a nice person or a good father. He is an extremely selfish person and that’s putting it nicely

You have been financially abused - letting you subsidise his expensive sport’s tv subscriptions, shoulder the costs of the home and your child.

I would seriously be considering divorce / separation

Gosh, this just sounds horrendous. Not fair at all, and you have every right to be fed up. I don't understand why things are so unequal.

Also, you say "we discovered my husband had debt and a gambling problem" as if you were in this together and it took both of you by surprise.... Presumably, he wasn't unconscious when he was spending all of this money and in fact knew that he was putting his family into a precarious financial situation and jeopardising their security? And hiding it all from you, knowingly.

It sounds like you need to accept that this man cannot provide the financial security and support you expect, and decide whether you can put up with that for the rest of your life, or not.

I certainly couldn't. It speaks volumes of his priorities in life, which is clearly 1) himself, 2) pub, 3) wife and kids.

He is my husband. We own our home and yes there is a bit of equity now but very little other savings. I discussed it with him last night and his response was 'oh ill just be a hermit and not go out anymore then.' Which I replied well if you can't afford to socialise then yes. He definitely resents having to make choices for his family (or me)
He also said he would pay less on his credit card (his debt) and give me extra to get through the holidays. Which I guess is something. He will continue to go out i assume but I'd never dare ask as that would be controlling.
I said he needs to put £30 per month away for unknown expenses, he said that is too much but I wouldn't budge on it.
I feel like he just wants to live life on his terms, but he is incredibly selfish in regards of money.
When we discovered his gambling he said I could check his accounts if money didn't add up, its been 6 months and he has been very good (and tight) with money and he's paid over £2000 off one credit card in that time. But when I gave him £60 this week, 2 days later he said he was skint and I asked him if I could see his accounts he said it got him down and we can't do that anymore. Thing is I don't trust him and that was part of the terms of the agreement.

What is it with these selfish prick men and their bloody feelz? It makes him feel down?

How about how you feel?

Serious question - what will happen when you go on mat leave?

Oh gosh, you really need to think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
You already don’t trust him. When the resentment sets in its over.
He could sort this out, but I doubt he wants to change.

Also want to add the £50 for baby isnt necessarily savings, its to buy things we need for baby (moses basket, clothes etc) all of which I've bought second hand and am trying to stretch as far as I can.
I'll have another £100 to spend on baby and still have lots more to buy.

We have put just under £1000 away for mat leave.
Our money is going into a pot, and I'll have £150 a month he will have around £200 i think. So he is going to be taking a cut for those few months.

If there is now no trust there is no relationship. What is the point of you and he being together at all now?. For the kids, hell no.

And where did that £60 he had go?. His gambling issue is in no way resolved and your attempts at doing this have basically failed.

Leave now.

What others can see but you can’t is that his gambling has started again, or if it hasn’t then some other type of selfish money issue. That’s why he doesn’t want you checking the accounts. Which you know.

Really, cut your losses now before you have no equity in the house - cos that is where this is going 100%.

You need to see that he isn’t going to change. He doesn’t want to.
After our last ‘chat’ my DH agreed to not use his credit card anymore. Guess what, he’s using it again and I can’t see how much is on it because that’s his private information.
They say what you want to hear , then do what they want.
You need to do what you want/need for you and your children.

Why are you with him? He sounds like a useless waste of space. You’d be better off alone.

You have said when we discovered his gambling but surely it should say you? He must have known. I think he is lucky he has you, if he was my partner I would want full control of all money for several years until trust was earned. Would he agree to pooling all money and being given a lump of money each month that is his? When it runs out that is it?

I'd consider leaving him tbh.

You say "gambling has been addressed" - oh really? How? What's in place to prevent a relapse?

A guy this selfish and entitled is really bad news to be in a financially entwined (and otherwise entwined) relationship.

I hope you ringfenced your house deposit. You're going to need it.

You know you don't have a properly functioning relationship. He will never be entirely honest with you, or pay his way. Gamblers, like alcoholics, can't do that.

Before things get really bad and the second DC takes up all of your time, take some time out to think this through.

Is this what you want for you and your kids?

Would you be better off alone?

What can you do to protect yourself whilst you are working in your relationship?

OMG - don't put up with this shit for a moment longer. Sit down, go through all your expenses and work out what's fair.

Don't worry about him calling you "controlling" - better to be controlling than deep in the financial shit, which is what's going to happen to you if he carries on like this.

Just out of interest, how did he react when his gambling issues came out? Did he apologise for wasting all that money, appear to feel guilty?

Yes deposit is protected. He wasn't happy about it but he signed to say he had no claim over it. He was very apologetic, got counselling and blocked himself from all sites. He made spreadsheets to work everything out. Hence why he paid off x1 credit card in 6 months. He has stopped using credit cards. I support him and try to give advise in regard of getting an interest free credit card which he did.
Honestly I do want a family for my kids. Husband has a child from a previous relationship and I've seen how bad it can get.
Hes a very good dad. He's just selfish and doesn't seem to understand his level of responsibility. He doesnt want to support his family.

He’s not a good dad - no good father resents feeding his pregnant wife or prioritises his socialising over his children’s needs.

How can he be a good dad if he doesn't want to (help to) support his family???

Sorry op but this man is unlikely to change.
Calling you controlling whilst happily spending your earnings and contributing so little of his own?

Then that is what you have to balance for the rest of your life.

You want 'a family' and the man in your family doesn't want to contribute to supporting it.

You said that, in more than one post here. You have identified your problem.

Now you have to work out what you will do with it.