How to handle changing financial situation in a marriage

[Sarpur14]

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, one child together and another on the way.

We have always split household bills 50/50. He has things like expensive sports subscription but I've always paid towards it. I completed all home improvements, bought all furniture, put the deposit down on our home, pay for all things relating to our child. My husband would contribute £100 per month (said it was all he could afford) despite earning £30,000 per year. I left it as I manged fine on my wage. Covid hit and I've lost £800 pcm. We still pay 50% bills (fine) he pays more towards one of our joint debts which I covered for 2 years previously.

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem. Gambling has been addressed, he is paying off the debt. It has left us struggling a huge deal. I asked this week for £5 towards something for our son, he said he couldn't afford it. Today he has had an afternoon in the pub and spent £30 (not much but considering he couldn't afford £5 for something for son I am annoyed) I am pregnant and while he was having drinks I asked for l some food. He added this amount up in front of me and said I would need to pay it back. He ate the food too. I didn't want to make a scene.

I feel hurt and annoyed. I don't feel like it's been fair. I'm facing the 6 week holidays, with £30 per week to entertain our son. He pays £50 a month into savings for things for the baby. I will be expected to pay the full cost of entertaining our son while he works. If we go to the cinema or do something as a family we pay 50/50 but I am off over the holidays and my money will go on our son. Im not sure if I'm justified in feeling hard-done by.
I've always covered clothing/things for home/sons entertainment etc and now i can't afford to do this. My husband knows we need these things. He spends 'his' money on socialising (i don't really socialise) and does do things with us as a family (covering 50%) im just so upset that he could spend that money in the pub, but whenever I ask him for something we need its always 'when I get paid' even if he's just been paid or that he can't afford it. Im so fed up.

I would want full control of all money for several years until trust was earned

That - is basically it in a nutshell.

Your DH earns £30,000 a year. That should be more than enough to support a family of 4 - depending on how large your mortgage/rent is.

During 2020 I was supporting my family of 5 on that much money as my DH's self employed work just stopped, and he had no income.

It sounds like you need to do some careful planning to get through the next few years.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You indeed have written nothing else positive about him.

How is this man a good dad exactly?. Or is your desire for a family more important than the financial and emotional well-being of yourself or in turn your kids. Your children and you are already a family.

Did his previous relationship end because of gambling?. All you’ve done with that is further enable him to continue gambling and will hide things better from you. He has merely paid lip service to the issue because he does not want to address the reasons why he gambles to excess.

He's misogynistic- he sees the DC as your job and hobby.

It's good he has tackled his gambling problem and I hope he doesn't lapse.
Indeed. I would not depend on that. Just protect yourself as far as you can and leave. This won't improve.

The number of men on here who seem to feel their earnings are theirs and not for the family is quite amazing. I suggest OP you do a bit of research so you know in advance what you are entitled to if you end up as a single mum. Knowledge is power and stops people feeling there are no options with these manchildren. Does he pay maintenance for previous child? That also could well be why he doesn’t have much spare money

Does he pay maintenance for previous child? That also could well be why he doesn’t have much spare money
I very seriously doubt that.

Money is a sad topic. I just wanted to say that since we got married we decided to have a joint budget. So we never think of it as paying 50/50 we just have all the money in one pot and using it fairly. DH and I leave a couple of hundreds on personal accounts for our own expense but the rest is in a joint account for all the bills, food, credit card/debt, DS, dog. If anything is left over it goes to our joint savings account. Having said this DH is horrible with money and I control our joint finances making sure bills / credits are paid on time etc.

Jeez he sounds like such a loser.
Is there any reason to stay with him?

You mention that you work - you must have a brain in your head - you must realise what a dreadful marriage you are in?

Are you from a culture where men are revered and divorce forbidden?
Have you no friends/family?
If not, and you do, I really wonder why you are still with him?

Ps. He is a shit dad in case you still don't realise that either. And gamblers can't ever be trusted again.

What kind of "good dad" begrudges his own child something they need for £5 and then spends £30 on alcohol for himself?

Husband has a child from a previous relationship and I've seen how bad it can get

Why is it so bad? In what way does he contribute to the conflict?

You also mentioned "we" discovered his gambling. It wasn't "we"...he hid it from you and you found out about it or did he confess?

Sadly selfish men don't change, they fail at every relationship and move on hoping they find someone soft who will tolerate their self centred behaviour.

He sounds horrendous.

He's racked up debt and yet expects to be able to spend money socialising?

I'd seriously think about leaving him. His attitude is shit. He's failed you and isn't doing much to make amends.

I'd be querying spending £30 in the pub, unless he had a meal.

That would be quite a lot of alcohol, does he have a problem?
Or is a combination of alcohol and fruit machines (or a few bets, possibly using someone else's phone to access the accounts)?

I completed all home improvements, bought all furniture, put the deposit down on our home, pay for all things relating to our child

Never mind the gambling - this wtf ? Why do so many young women now put up with all this shit ?

As soon as you said that he was a ‘good dad’, I knew exactly what kind of loser he was.

How in the name of all that is holy is he a good dad?
He won't feed the pregnant mother of his child.
He won't pay of baby equipment preferring to spend the money on drink?

He ran up large gambling debts in secret depriving everyone else in family.

It sounds as though you are leading a pretty horrid life OP because your DH has got over feeling guilty and is just bored with the reality of covering the debts he made alongside family life.

I think many men are simply not suited to family life as it is today. They like the idea in their heads but don’t much like the expectations of help /shared money/not doing exactly what they want. Up to 20 years ago I think there was an expectation that child stuff fell mainly on the woman but woman’s expectations have risen and expect actual partnerships and full involvement and ‘some ‘ men simply don’t rise to the challenge

I feel like I enabled him. I guess I am married to a man who will take and take if he is allowed to. He has bought nearly all of the baby stuff (as he gives me £50 a month to purchase this)
I think in the past I never asked for help, I just did it and I made a mistake there.
It does hurt that he won't just grab me some food. I was in the pub with him. I didn't know how much he spent but I was there. I asked for food when he bought himself another drink, he bought me food and then stopped drinking. He said if he had known id want food he wouldn't have drunk as much. I just hated having the amount of food I wanted added up in front of me, he said he did it because it was coming out of his savings.
He earns 3 times me but due to his debt he has a little more than I have left over each month.
We have argued all weekend firstly about him saying he never gets to go out because I'm controlling (he goes out minimum of once a week) and then this. He will take it on board for a few weeks then become resentful and the argument starts again.
If i dare to bring up the debt he created he says im making him feel bad (I don't care and tell him I won't be coming to his pity party) he just shuts down and I can't get through.
I earned more than him in the past. So I covered more luxuries, and had no issue with it as I saw that as fair. While I was doing that he got himself into a mess financially.
He pays around £250 a month for his previous child, he does not have any access to him

I always get through in the end, but it usually involves arguing for a few days and in a l few weeks he's forgotten all about it. The hard thing is that when I try to talk he says im always arguing and shuts down.

OP, he's not a good dad. He doesn't see his previous child. He is happy to let his pregnant partner be hungry FFS. He begrudges supporting his family and pissed away his money gambling.

Be glad you're not financially tied. I would seriously be getting advise on the financial situation if you leave him. Is his job secure? Would you be better off receiving maintenance than his current contributions? His lack of interest in your children will be more of an issue for them than growing up without him, trust me. I think you need to do some serious thinking about the future and how much you're prepared to put up with.

I couldn't be with someone who has no interest in supporting his family.

@Sarpur14

Yes deposit is protected. He wasn't happy about it but he signed to say he had no claim over it. He was very apologetic, got counselling and blocked himself from all sites. He made spreadsheets to work everything out. Hence why he paid off x1 credit card in 6 months. He has stopped using credit cards. I support him and try to give advise in regard of getting an interest free credit card which he did. Honestly I do want a family for my kids. Husband has a child from a previous relationship and I've seen how bad it can get. Hes a very good dad. He's just selfish and doesn't seem to understand his level of responsibility. He doesnt want to support his family.

I'm going to shout.

HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD!

Filing for child maintenance would be less hard work than extracting £5 here and £50 every other week from this dead weight.

Op, if you are married and it's a medium term marriage and you have a child your deed of trust is unlikely to stand. I.e your deposit is unlikely to be protected, if he choose to legally go after it.

How long have you been married?

When my wage dropped we discovered my husband had huge debts and a gambling problem

Not WE DISCOVERED . Your husband already knew he had huge debts and a gambling problem. He lied to you . covered it up, made excuses, failed to take responsibility.

And nothing has changed. You are still letting him get away with being an irresponsible spendthrift waster, and you are shouldering the consequences. So he doesn't have to. He knows you will step up and bail him out.

Until YOU stop enabling /supporting/rescuing his feckless immature irresponsible behaviour, he's got zero incentive to change.

I had one like this. More than happy for me to support him but absolutely refused to put DS and I first for six months. He resented every penny he didnt spend on himself.

Your DH is not a good dad. He refused to give you £5 for his child!

I would get right on top of this money now and put money away for you so you have something to leave with.