The idea of not having DC when it’s all you wanted

[Treeche]

I’ve really wanted DC. I’ve had lots of failed relationships. I had a medical termination age 29 due to an awful situation.

Im 36 in two weeks and with a man I am in very love with. He’s in no hurry despite being 40. He says he wants them but I worry about my age. We’ve talked about this and he says he would try in 18 months or so. We have only been together 10 months and so I see his point. I will be practically 38 by then.

For the first time in my life I am happy with a man. I’ve had fertility check, I’m told it’s average for my age so nothing too great or bad.

I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of the termination.
I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of my age.

I feel I need to accept that I may not have DC rather than letting this consume nearly every thought I have. How do I accept this just might not happen for me? I am exhausted thinking about it all. I don’t want to do it alone, it’s just not something I want though I know it works for others.

Abortions don't affect fertility.
And you're only 35, you could probably still have a baby a decade from now.

But I think obsession is never healthy. Let alone over non existent people lol. It's mental when you think about it. I mean...do you even like kids? Think back to your school days. That'll soon put you off. And if that fails, watch some childbirth videos.

@Umberellatheweatha thanks for replying. I’m just sitting here in tears. I’m worried it’s going to start impacting my relationship soon as I am struggling to hide it from DP.

I just keep thinking everyday that my chances are closer to being over. I’ve always wanted DC but never wanted them alone. So I feel a bit stuck. I also love DP and if he couldn’t have them I would stay with him. It just feels scary and so out of my control.

@Umberellatheweatha everyone around me like colleagues and friends and in the media always says 35 that’s it, you’ll struggle. And I feel like I would naturally struggle more anyway because of the termination. Like my body thinks I’ve done it already or something.

My extremely poor and to be ignored advice would be to take matters into my own hands probably. However of course this isn't to be recommended

Any chance of a further chat with him?

How would you feel about freezing some some eggs?

Why don't you talk to him about it? How firm is 18 months in his mind?

No matter how badly you want children, you've only known this man for 10 months. I think it would be madness to have a baby with him any time soon.

Like you, I had a termination, but perhaps a few years earlier, I was around 27.
It wasn't the right time and that relationship was shit.
DH and I met after 30 and we didn't rush anything. Had our first child when I was 35. Didn't rush second and had them when I was 38.
The termination has not affected your fertility - you've had it checked and it's fine.
His fertility could affect your chances, so I wonder if he would compromise to having his fertility checked now (if that's even possible) so when you do aim to start you know there's nothing to stop it happening.
However, if he does keep stringing you along, consider being a single mum and using a sperm donor.

I think you’re panicking about the age thing too much. 38 is not too old to have kiddies!!!

Sorry to hear you are struggling op. I think maybe you should pop down the gp when you get a chance and have a word.

Lots of people stress over fertility but just because it's a common thing doesn't mean that its healthy. Might be that you need a low dose of depression medication to help you past the hump. Or they may recommend some counciling.

Obsessing over things we don't have should not control the life we do have.

That being said, you've only been with him ten months. If he just didnt want kids then you'd be wise to walk. But as is it sounds like he has a healthy timeframe. You don't want to end up raising kids with someone you barely know. But it couldn't harm to voice your worries to him, see if his timeframe can be a bit more flexible.

In my early 30s and struggling with infertility, my dh and I had to wait a couple of years for a second round of IVF, initially because we needed a break and then because of health issues (that nearly ended in a hysterectomy). We saw a fertility counsellor and her advice was to start a pleasure and distraction project - I learned dressmaking and we planned a drive round Europe for example. It was somewhere to put my head when I would have been worrying about children.

Have you posted before about this?

@Topia

I think you’re panicking about the age thing too much. 38 is not too old to have kiddies!!!

@Topia everything I hear and read has a lot of ‘over 35 means it’s over for women.’ There feels like so much pressure. I am struggling so much with the panic. I’ve literally sat and cried for an hour in panic and grief that I didn’t do this sooner. It’s my fault.

Surely a fertility check just tells you your egg reserve? Not if you have other fertility issues or if your partner has fertility issues?

People have children at 38 + but statistically your fertility is in decline.

Terminations don’t affect your fertility.

Yes sometimes things can go wrong with terminations that lead to complications but that’s not common.

The very high chances are that the termination has had zero impact to your fertility.

Science tells us that it does not on the whole affect fertility and you’ve also had some insight into your own fertility to be told it is average for your age.

So the “my body might think I’ve already done it” makes zero sense and is an irrational thought. You need to stop on this path bc it’s destructive and will get you nowhere.

Yes fertility begins to decline in your mid 30s but so does bone and muscle density but we don’t see people having nervous breakdowns over it and in the gym night and day trying to replace their muscle deterioration.

I was in the same position as you -36, scared I’d never be a mum and just met a lovely man. We just went for it tbh, it felt right and it was right bc we’re still here 5 years later with 2 young children.

If your relationship needs time to bed in then some things you can do now are get your health in tip toe condition, lots of plant based foods, nutrient rich diet, gentle exercise and yoga, great for managing stress levels and building strength.
Read about fertility - not scary YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT - but real, good literature.
I read a lot about fertility and having babies and how it all works, being informed gave me a sense of control (true or not), it helped me feel more level headed to know the realities of how to make babies!

I’d also try to enjoy these years as much as you can, I spent about 5/6 years absolutely focused on having a child and now I have them I absolutely look back and think why didn’t I have more nights out, more holidays, more chill out Saturdays - I honestly think I wasted a lot of my own time and got in my own way.

It is really hard once you feel that pull, to try and quiet the voice. rather than being sad it’s not happening right now, can you try to look at this time like you’re working towards being ready for a baby - this isn’t wasted time, enjoy it, educate yourself, block out the doom mongers and commit to the idea that it will happen for you when your relationship is in the right place.

That said, you do have to make sure your partner 100% wants what you want and that you’re on this path together for the long haul.

@Eskarina1

In my early 30s and struggling with infertility, my dh and I had to wait a couple of years for a second round of IVF, initially because we needed a break and then because of health issues (that nearly ended in a hysterectomy). We saw a fertility counsellor and her advice was to start a pleasure and distraction project - I learned dressmaking and we planned a drive round Europe for example. It was somewhere to put my head when I would have been worrying about children.

@Eskarina1 thank you so much I will try something like that. My mind is obsessed at the moment and it’s becoming out of control.

@Topia

I think you’re panicking about the age thing too much. 38 is not too old to have kiddies!!!

I have to disagree from 38 onwards I had multiple mmc . I’m in threads with lots of over 35s having ivf, mcs and fertility problems. The stats for chromosome issues/mcs goes up each year after 35. Over 40 is another story. Same with many of my late 30 friends. Suggest egg freezing or having a very candid conversation with dp about lack of time and it’s soon or could be never ( conversation which I had with now dh) if they love you and see a future with you and want kids, sometimes you just have to go for it . Good luck

@Ohpulltheotherone

Terminations don’t affect your fertility.

Yes sometimes things can go wrong with terminations that lead to complications but that’s not common.

The very high chances are that the termination has had zero impact to your fertility.

Science tells us that it does not on the whole affect fertility and you’ve also had some insight into your own fertility to be told it is average for your age.

So the “my body might think I’ve already done it” makes zero sense and is an irrational thought. You need to stop on this path bc it’s destructive and will get you nowhere.

Yes fertility begins to decline in your mid 30s but so does bone and muscle density but we don’t see people having nervous breakdowns over it and in the gym night and day trying to replace their muscle deterioration.

I was in the same position as you -36, scared I’d never be a mum and just met a lovely man. We just went for it tbh, it felt right and it was right bc we’re still here 5 years later with 2 young children.

If your relationship needs time to bed in then some things you can do now are get your health in tip toe condition, lots of plant based foods, nutrient rich diet, gentle exercise and yoga, great for managing stress levels and building strength.
Read about fertility - not scary YOUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT - but real, good literature.
I read a lot about fertility and having babies and how it all works, being informed gave me a sense of control (true or not), it helped me feel more level headed to know the realities of how to make babies!

I’d also try to enjoy these years as much as you can, I spent about 5/6 years absolutely focused on having a child and now I have them I absolutely look back and think why didn’t I have more nights out, more holidays, more chill out Saturdays - I honestly think I wasted a lot of my own time and got in my own way.

It is really hard once you feel that pull, to try and quiet the voice. rather than being sad it’s not happening right now, can you try to look at this time like you’re working towards being ready for a baby - this isn’t wasted time, enjoy it, educate yourself, block out the doom mongers and commit to the idea that it will happen for you when your relationship is in the right place.

That said, you do have to make sure your partner 100% wants what you want and that you’re on this path together for the long haul.

@Ohpulltheotherone thank you so much

I do understand how fearful one can feel at the prospect of not having a child. Like you I had a termination in my 20s, and in fact I did struggle to conceive - started ttc aged 33 and eventually had fertility treatment which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy but never conceived again. I felt huge guilt and regret over the termination then, but it really wasn't related. My egg quality was declining in my early 30s and I went through the menopause in my mid 40s (apparently it's quite unlikely that a woman will conceive in the 10 years prior to completion of the menopause).

But the average age for menopause is early 50s which certainly gives you a few more years. I know lots of women who had babies in their late 30s and several in their early 40s. Another 8 months or so is unlikely to make a difference.

If it helps, I never believed I'd get over my desire for children of my own. My 30s were partially ruined by my desperation for them. But I did come to terms with it eventually and realised it wasn't the end of the world. Once I had accepted that, we adopted kids when I was I my 40s and never looked back. Not saying adoption is right for everyone but that sometimes life turns our differently from what you expect and it can be just as good as you hoped, but in a different way.

I don't think I agree with the majority of the other posters. I agree you MAY be able to conceive quickly and easily when your partner is "ready" but it's also possible it won't happen like that and then your ability to conceive naturally will start to decline quickly. You clearly know you want a family and that it's your main priority so my advice would be to talk to your partner about this very seriously and tell him how you feel, how it's affecting you mentally, how you feel time is running out and try to persuade him to start trying immediately. Yes 10 months isn't that long to be together but it's often more than enough time to know if you want to be with someone long term, particularly when you're a bit "older" and thinking of starting a family.

I don't think you will regret having an honest conversation with him but I do think you would regret not having that conversation and waiting around for him for it to be hard to conceive and/or him to decide he doesn't want them afterall.

If I'm totally honest I wouldn't be doing the softly softly approach. I would make my plans and intentions clear and be telling my partner he either needs to get on board with the plan or you might have to reconsider the relationship.

Sorry if that was a harsher reality then the pp. I just think some women have kids easily late on but there are many that don’t. I wait two years after my first dc and then my fertility began nose diving and the mmcs started. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through that. I had looked at egg freezing when I was 35 but never progressed it and regretted it. It was the cost and self injecting etc but having a batch of younger eggs would have been reassuring and I would have used them after 38. Thing is you have to factor in having the first baby - it might take 6 months - 1 year to fall pregnant, if you can naturally , two of my friends with excellent fertility, had to have ivf after no joy naturally. Then when first one is born , you have a minimum really of 6 months before you want to try again.
I will tell my dd the same thing if she gets into her mid 30s

&btw I was with dp only 5 months before we ttc! He’s now dh.

@Funk2funky

Sorry if that was a harsher reality then the pp. I just think some women have kids easily late on but there are many that don’t. I wait two years after my first dc and then my fertility began nose diving and the mmcs started. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through that. I had looked at egg freezing when I was 35 but never progressed it and regretted it. It was the cost and self injecting etc but having a batch of younger eggs would have been reassuring and I would have used them after 38. Thing is you have to factor in having the first baby - it might take 6 months - 1 year to fall pregnant, if you can naturally , two of my friends with excellent fertility, had to have ivf after no joy naturally. Then when first one is born , you have a minimum really of 6 months before you want to try again. I will tell my dd the same thing if she gets into her mid 30s

I think egg freezing is promoted as too much of a solution. It depends on the eggs being of high quality to start with which obviously declines with age and will already have started to decline for the OP and when they are transferred back they need to be going into optimum conditions which to put it bluntly also declines with age. It's definitely no guarantee of a baby at the end of it.

@Umberellatheweatha

I mean...do you even like kids? Think back to your school days. That'll soon put you off. And if that fails, watch some childbirth videos.

I'm sorry but this is an awful thing to say to someone who wants children but can't have them at the moment

I’m worried it’s going to start impacting my relationship soon as I am struggling to hide it from DP

If you're going to have children with somebody, it needs to be somebody you can be open with about your feelings.

If you are hiding this from him, it is already impacting your relationship: You now have a relationship where you hide things that are strongly affecting your wellbeing, and are core requirements for you.

Why do you think you should be hiding this from him? What do you fear would happen if you told him how you feel?