The idea of not having DC when it’s all you wanted

[Treeche]

I’ve really wanted DC. I’ve had lots of failed relationships. I had a medical termination age 29 due to an awful situation.

Im 36 in two weeks and with a man I am in very love with. He’s in no hurry despite being 40. He says he wants them but I worry about my age. We’ve talked about this and he says he would try in 18 months or so. We have only been together 10 months and so I see his point. I will be practically 38 by then.

For the first time in my life I am happy with a man. I’ve had fertility check, I’m told it’s average for my age so nothing too great or bad.

I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of the termination.
I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of my age.

I feel I need to accept that I may not have DC rather than letting this consume nearly every thought I have. How do I accept this just might not happen for me? I am exhausted thinking about it all. I don’t want to do it alone, it’s just not something I want though I know it works for others.

@pigglepot I agree it’s not fail safe but it’s something to fall back on and try when your current eggs are failing. If at 38 I had that option - it’s much more likely those eggs would have worked better than my older eggs.
If her dp says no to ttc Op has two options - leave him and try with a new person or wait for him to be ready. Both options - time ticks by and I’d be doing something proactive in the meantime.

@TheFoundations because I know my feelings are obsessive. He’s perfectly lovely and straightforward with me. If I suddenly start crying about all this it is unfair on him surely?

You would rather not have children than have them alone (understandably).

You would rather be with your partner even if that is without children rather than leave him to have children (also understandable).

Your partner is not ready to start trying for a baby (again, also understandable!).

The logical conclusion is to wait until he is ready (perhaps have a conversation to see if there's any flexibility around the 18 month timescale) and then TTC.

In the meantime, get some counselling to help you come to terms with your termination

I think the main thing you need to do is seek help for the anxiety. Set aside the fertility issues for now and focus on help for your mental health.

Nothing we can say will reassure you though as you're trapped in this cycle of thinking and worrying. You need to break that cycle before you can look rationally at it.

FWIW though, I started TTC at 29 and it took years to get pregnant. I strongly believe that if you're going to have problems you're going to have them whether your 21, 31 or 41. Some people are just more fertile than others.

I know many many women who've had their first babies over 38. All bar 2 of them were natural pregnancies. Those IVF ones were for reasons that would have been there at any time they wanted to conceive. A couple of them had very big surprise pregnancies in their 40s.

[quote Treeche]@TheFoundations because I know my feelings are obsessive. He’s perfectly lovely and straightforward with me. If I suddenly start crying about all this it is unfair on him surely?[/quote]
No it's not unfair. You're allowed to have feelings and to be struggling with them. He's your partner and should be able to cope with you at your lowest as well as your best.

@Strikethrough

You would rather not have children than have them alone (understandably).

You would rather be with your partner even if that is without children rather than leave him to have children (also understandable).

Your partner is not ready to start trying for a baby (again, also understandable!).

The logical conclusion is to wait until he is ready (perhaps have a conversation to see if there's any flexibility around the 18 month timescale) and then TTC.

In the meantime, get some counselling to help you come to terms with your termination

This is the best advice on here.

For every poster who will tell you they conceived naturally over the age of 40, there will be one who will tell you they were unable to have children past 30. Neither of which will actually do you any good.

You are with a good man. You are happy. You need to work on making peace with your termination, which was the right decision at the time, and the fact that you cannot control your future.

[quote Treeche]@TheFoundations because I know my feelings are obsessive. He’s perfectly lovely and straightforward with me. If I suddenly start crying about all this it is unfair on him surely?[/quote]
You think it's unfair to share your feelings with your partner?

Why do you think it's obsessive to be a woman in her mid thirties getting antsy about wanting to have kids? You must have heard of many others in the same situation, there's nothing rare about the way you feel.

Can I ask again, what do you fear will happen if you share this with him?

That's not the same as saying 'I'm being obsessive'. That's your judgment on how you feel. What do you worry about regarding his response?

I'm sure a sample size of one won't do much to help reassure you OP but I had my first at 35 and will be 37 when this one arrives. 4-6 months trying in each case, the second was actually harder because I was still slowly stopping breastfeeding.

The lady in the bed next to me during my induction with my first was 47!

Maybe at this point you focus on making sure you are all geared up for trying later down the line, good lifestyle and nutrition, any financials you need to take care of etc. At least then you might feel like you're working towards your goal. You could start tracking your cycle too and see if there is anything of note happening? Then when you're ready to start trying you can really hit teh ground running.

Might be that you need a low dose of depression medication to help you past the hump. Or they may recommend some counciling.

Bloody hell, ‘woman mid thirties wants baby‘ oh she must be depressed.. you can’t be serious?!

It’s totally unremarkable to want children and feel that desire growing greater with age, especially if you have none.

Anyway. As PPs have said you don’t know how long it will take, could be one cycle could be ten. I suppose if you do keep pushing him you’d have to be prepared to go it alone if he have a firm no.

Do you want children more than anything, or do you want a traditional family set-up plus children?

If it came down to a choice do you want a relationship with this man to develop naturally into whatever it may become more than you want kids?

You do have the option nowadays of trying for kids on your own if that's the most important thing to you.

I was 39 when I had my son. We had tried for 5 years so he was very much a miracle baby as far as I was concerned. I had a brilliant pregnancy and had no issues. I gave birth to a healthy boy and whilst I would have loved another, I personally felt my body clock was done. That being said, a friend of mine had her first when she was 41 and now, at age 43, has just had another. Don't give up hope!

The issues need to be separated out a bit:

1. Anxiety and guilt. You are acknowledging that this issue is consuming you at the moment, and worrying you a great deal. That needs to be addressed for your own peace of mind, but it does not mean that...

2. the issue over when your DP thinks it's the 'right' time is just something to accept as how it must be. Because:

while 10 months isn't long together to be planning a child, his timescale makes it 2 years 4 months. That isn't long when you are in you twenties, but at his age, and if he is considering your age and fertility being a factor, it might be fairer it bring it down a little. It could be just an arbitrary timescale he has picked to push the issue into the distance.

Having just looked back up the thread, I can see that pigglepot is saying pretty much exactly what I want to say next, so I won't repeat it! But people do know whether someone has long term compatibility with them by this stage in a relationship. Don't wait around too long, if he pushes dates further away. If he won't negotiate on this, he is someone who does not compromise in other areas of your relationship? Think carefully; don't throw a good relationship away, but don't stick in one unless you entirely trust that he will not shift later on.

I started TTC at 26, by 30 I was undergoing ivf where I discovered I had low ovarian reserve. By the time I started ivf I wasn’t so fussed about having kids - I had found a love of holidays and various other interests so that helped me not obsess about the life I wanted with kids as I had another lovely life without them.

I don’t believe that a decline in fertility after 35 is true of all women. In my family, I’m the odd one out as they’re all having babies late 30’s / early 40’s. It’s great that you’ve had your fertility checked and know where you stand on that.

everything I hear and read has a lot of ‘over 35 means it’s over for women.

Well I don't know if it still says it, bit the NHS fertility page used to say that 90% of women under 40 will fall pregnant within two years.

Unless you have fertility issues the real cliff for many women seems to be about 42.

Why 18 months? What does he want to be different by then (living arrangements, job change?). Does he mean he would like to start trying in 12 months given how long a baby takes to make?!

The magic age of 35 as a decline in female fertility was based on very flawed historical birth data from the 19th century, it's not medically based. You sound healthy and young. Just enjoy the relationship and be absolutely sure he's the one before you start trying in a year

'BathroomBuffalo

@Umberellatheweatha

I mean...do you even like kids? Think back to your school days. That'll soon put you off. And if that fails, watch some childbirth videos.

I'm sorry but this is an awful thing to say to someone who wants children but can't have them at the moment'

I agree. When I was unable to conceive, anything like this cut very deep. I vividly recall once going to the pharmacy to pick up fertility drugs for IVF and the pharmacist saying I shouldn't bother as his wife bitterly regretted having had theirs.

Are you taking hormonal contraception/using LARC? I found stopping these and making my partner responsible for the contraception helped me massively. Obviously let him know. That way I didn't feel like I was stopping something I wanted to happen and also got my body back to 'normal' while we waited. And you can focus on getting as healthy as possible in the meantime.

Yes the cliff is 42 / 43 as the average age of menopause is 52/53. 10 years later.

Besides "its over after 35: is a ridiculous extrapolation of "fertility declines more steeply after 35". Fertility is always declining. It's just a more gentle decline during the twenties.

Hi OP, I recommend reading this article - it's a lot more optimistic about the chances of conceiving in one's late 30s: www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/309374/

I do think it's worth a read, as it puts things in perspective.

From my own experience, it took my husband and I a long time to stop dithering and decide to have a baby. I was pushing 38 before we started trying and it took 9 months to conceive. I'm now 28 weeks pregnant and will be 39 by the time the baby is due.

So, it took a while to conceive. However, I haven't experienced any miscarriages and so far things seem to be progressing smoothly. All the tests indicate that the baby is healthy.

There are no guarantees, but I do think the idea that a woman's fertility 'falls off a cliff' at 35 is overblown.

Still, I think it is fair that you and your partner are on the same page about trying after a set amount of time. Is there any compromise on the 18 month timeframe?

Also if its over after 35, I can't really explain the age range of my antenatal class, which was almost entirely over 35.

Were we somehow a class of freaks?

18 months to consider having kids is pretty fast, it would be unwise to do so soon er especially especially you want to raise them in a two parent family.

@AnyOldLion

Have you posted before about this?

@AnyOldLion

Yes, I have seen this twice before, about a week apart each time.

OP, you are going to get much the same answers as last time, it obviously isn’t helping you, maybe you need to try something else?

@Treeche
Children are not a given for anybody. Our current society has a disposable attitude towards children, treating them like products which we can just get rid of them at one point then have them another time whenever we think is most convenient for us, but that's not the way it always works out in reality.

In your shoes, if you want a family I.e. not just a baby, I would be most concerned first with where your boyfriend is at regarding actual commitment to you I.e. marriage. Incidentally this is also an indication for whether he actually wants kids with you and be a family. At this point of the relationship and at his age, a guy knows whether he wants to marry you and start a family in the near future.

It's already a red flag that he's got to 40 and still hasn't settled down to have kids. Nearly all men by his age (barring exceptional circumstances) who are truly enthusiastic about having kids, wife and a family have already done so.

All this "18 months down the line" is very likely future faking I'm afraid. If he knows you're already 36, and at 38, fertility window is rapidly closing for the average woman, he'd be just as keen as you to commit and have kids as he wouldn't want to miss out on having a family with you.

Unfortunately OP you dont seem to be someone who advocates for themselves and your own needs in a relationship. It even comes across in your posts. Commitmentphobic men love women like you and only seek to take advantage. Get therapy and focus on getting higher self esteem otherwise you'll keep on attracting these types of men

You must be direct with him and stand your ground. If you want kids/marriage within the next year then say so to him. If he's not on the same page, that's his choice but you need to leave him and find a man who is otherwise you're really risking him dumping you down the line after he's enjoyed using you for the convenient sex and company and you will have wasted more precious fertile years

Slow down and take a breath.

Having a child is a wonderful thing but it's also incredibly tough on any relationship - let alone a fairly new one. You need a rock solid foundation, a good man and you can tick those boxes.

I personally would investigate having some eggs frozen, and it's not something that you necessarily need to include him in if you don't feel ready to. At least that way, you're giving yourself options.

Would you still want to be with him if he said he didn’t want any? If no, let him go so he can find someone who loves him for just him not what he can provide.

Ten months is barely dating and far too soon to be considering TTC.