The idea of not having DC when it’s all you wanted

[Treeche]

I’ve really wanted DC. I’ve had lots of failed relationships. I had a medical termination age 29 due to an awful situation.

Im 36 in two weeks and with a man I am in very love with. He’s in no hurry despite being 40. He says he wants them but I worry about my age. We’ve talked about this and he says he would try in 18 months or so. We have only been together 10 months and so I see his point. I will be practically 38 by then.

For the first time in my life I am happy with a man. I’ve had fertility check, I’m told it’s average for my age so nothing too great or bad.

I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of the termination.
I’m terrified I won’t be able to have kids because of my age.

I feel I need to accept that I may not have DC rather than letting this consume nearly every thought I have. How do I accept this just might not happen for me? I am exhausted thinking about it all. I don’t want to do it alone, it’s just not something I want though I know it works for others.

Yes fertility declines constantly but over 35 is where the risk of miscarriage starts to go up e.g at 35 it’s something like 20%, 35% over 40 and by 45 it’s 80%. I remember reading these stats a lot. I had no problems getting pregnant over 37 but only one became a baby. If you want more than one...
So yes everyone sees women over 35 with kids but probably a good proportion have had mcs or ivf or both. No one wants to unnecessarily go through that pain and expense.
Have a candid conversation with dp and you might be surprised, he might be ok if he understands the biological clock, your feelings and worries. At the least he may rethink the long timeline of 18 mths and if he can’t then you can decide what to do next, more informed.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment. This article has given me and friends of mine quite a lot of comfort. You do likely still have a lot of time left:

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

your clock has boomed OP! it is telling you you want a baby now.

To be honest over 35 I would be considering doing it alone or hurrying up your DP. People go through the menopause at 35+ I would not be taking chances

To my mind your man is being unreasonable in saying he's willing to start trying in 18 months, given your age. I agree with other posters who have recommended talking to him and asking him to consider trying earlier than that, and spelling out to him exactly what your position on wanting to be a parent is. The later in one's 30s one leaves it to get pregnant the harder it is, as others have pointed out.

Are you the doctor who has posted similarly before?

Are you living with your DP yet?

So many new mums I know are mid to late thirties! I went to an ante natal class recently and was the youngest there (I’m late twenties).

If I were you I would do 3 things:

1 - do some research about older mums and conception in your thirties, it’ll make you feel better and more informed.
2 - find a hobby or distraction to make you feel more fulfilled (running club, volunteer work, tennis)
3 - do not put pressure on your relationship by pushing for a child sooner. 18 months is not that long to wait, you will still be young enough to conceive.

Op, I'm in a very similar boat to you. About to be 37 and just come out of a relationship with a guy that I believe was future faking. I'm not of course sure at all what is going on here, but you remind me of myself and my ability to feel guilty for having needs and trying to stuff them back down, which always causes huge anxiety, as you are essentially hiding yourself from the person you are closest to. Does this resonate at all?

I did three rounds of egg freezing from 35 to 36. According to the stats the number of eggs I got gives me over 90% chance of a live birth later, all the way to past the menopause theoretically! I would really recommend doing this to take back some control. It's not a guarantee but it feels helpful to be doing something. Message me if you want more info. I'm almost tempted to do more, but it is expensive and I think I need to just learn to accept the unknown now!

"People go through the menopause at 35+*

That's not common, the average age is 51 or something.

Unless opnis told so, its unlikely to be the case.

You have no reason to think you will struggle, particularly as your ova production is normal.

Plenty of people who are older than you conceive children.
The Duchess of Cambridge had two! So have many others.

Does your partner live with you yet, op? I'm sorry if you have said, I am still on page one, didn't notice it had gone on to three pages. You did say you are only ten months into the relationship.

Wait until you have been together for a year, then reassess. Please don't fret.

It's not over at 35 @Treeche. I understand why you're thinking that way, but phrasing it that way is catast

Accidentally posted too soon.

It's catastrophizing to say fertility is over at 35. What is known is that on average it starts to decrease a lot, that's not the same as it being over. A friend who had endometriosis had 3 kids between 38-42. It's not over at 35 by a long shot. But I understand your fears. Though for me the backup was always going it alone. The friend I mentioned above really wanted children too, but like you not on her own. It's not an option for everyone. If you can afford it freezing your eggs gives you another option if you struggle later on.

I agree with this:
In your shoes, if you want a family I.e. not just a baby, I would be most concerned first with where your boyfriend is at regarding actual commitment to you I.e. marriage. Incidentally this is also an indication for whether he actually wants kids with you and be a family. At this point of the relationship and at his age, a guy knows whether he wants to marry you and start a family in the near future.

Tell him you wouldn't consider moving in with him unless marriage is on the cards (ie, no cohabiting until engaged) and if he baulks at that then he probably doesn't see a committed future and kids with you anyway.

I've said this on similar threads. If your relationship is going to be permanent it has to include honesty and communication.
It's not unreasonable to be thinking seriously about motherhood at 35.
You can't try to get his arm up his back, that's not fair.
But you could ask him specifically what he thinks will be different in 18 months?
You may be fertile for years yet, equally you may not.
You are allowed to express your feelings and ask questions. You're not demanding he immediately bin his condoms in front of you!
Your partner has every right to not want children at all, or maybe he really does, but has concrete reasons for wanting to wait.- either way he should tell you straight.
Initiate the conversation. Don't cry in secret.
Good luck.

Personally I think you need to compromise. It can take 6 months to a year for a couple with no issues to conceive naturally so if you wait 18 months before you start trying it could easily be 3 years before you have a baby.

If you’re okay with that then fine but I’d be looking for some commitment beforehand (at a minimum moving in after 18 months together).

I met my partner at 27, he was 32. We moved in after 4 months and were engaged within 18 months of meeting. We were extremely lucky to fall pregnant at the 2 year mark.

I wanted a baby at 30 because I wanted to have time to try for 2 children and was very nervous about my fertility.

I made this clear before we moved in because I spent a decade with a man who couldn’t commit (to marriage or trying for a baby) and to be honest I didn’t want to be with someone with different long term goals.

Of course that kind of ultimatum can backfire but you aren’t teenagers and you’ve been together for almost a year (during a pandemic so I’m sure you’ve spent a fair bit of time together). It’s not unreasonable.

@Newmum29

Personally I think you need to compromise. It can take 6 months to a year for a couple with no issues to conceive naturally so if you wait 18 months before you start trying it could easily be 3 years before you have a baby.

If you’re okay with that then fine but I’d be looking for some commitment beforehand (at a minimum moving in after 18 months together).

I met my partner at 27, he was 32. We moved in after 4 months and were engaged within 18 months of meeting. We were extremely lucky to fall pregnant at the 2 year mark.

I wanted a baby at 30 because I wanted to have time to try for 2 children and was very nervous about my fertility.

I made this clear before we moved in because I spent a decade with a man who couldn’t commit (to marriage or trying for a baby) and to be honest I didn’t want to be with someone with different long term goals.

Of course that kind of ultimatum can backfire but you aren’t teenagers and you’ve been together for almost a year (during a pandemic so I’m sure you’ve spent a fair bit of time together). It’s not unreasonable.

Moving in with someone is not commitment whatsoever. Certainly not from a man's perspective. You both can move out and break up at any point with no responsibilities to each other so where exactly is the "commitment" there??

More than anything it actually encourages men to stall on commitment i.e. marriage (if they were ever planning to commit anyway) because they essentially have all the wifely benefits but without any proper legal commitment, i.e. marriage, on their part.

Long term, all it does is encourage the guy to take you for granted, and feel like he's 'got' you, all the while as a woman you feel more emotionally attached and therfore harder for YOU to leave. Stats show that the longer couples cohabit, the less likely they are to marry, and if they do, they're substantially more likely to divorce.

As another poster said, the best way to ascertain whether this guy has the same good intentions as OP to make clear they'll be no cohabiting before marriage and she wants to be married before kids. Women need to stop wasting precious time on men who simply don't deserve them. A lot of men just want a steady supply of sex and the support that women provide. If a woman wants a committed relationship i.e. marriage and a family (which is completely natural and normal as well as sensible), why should a man enjoy all these relationship benefits without commitment? Men hold way too much power in relationships nowadays because women keep giving it to them! They need to be put in their place and women need to respect what they bring to relationships much more.

If this 40 yo guy is floating 18 months in the future and there's no talk of marriage then it doesn't look good. If he's that ambivalent about children he should seek out a woman who's the same/doesn't want them, instead of wickedly throwing the OP's last fertile years in jeopardy. The OP's fear about her fertility is very understandable at her age and I really feel for her but she needs to act otherwise she.will end up like countless women who run out of time to have kids due to wasting time with the wrong men.

10 months in a relationship is too early to ttc. Like others have said, it’s a good thing that you have discussed it and your patner wants a child too. Concentrate on yourself and your relationship first. Enjoy it get to know each other. 35 is young or you could freeze your eggs. Stop googling about fertility and age there’s a lot of rubbish on the internet. Am pregnant right now at 42 with my second it’s not the end of the world.

Could you afford to freeze your eggs or at least have a fertility check up?

A friend of mine froze her eggs and she said it felt like a weight had been lifted. A fertility check up (ideally for both of you) would help you make an informed decision. People can give you stories either way about how conceiving has been for them personally but it’s far more useful to know your own status.

[quote Treeche]@TheFoundations because I know my feelings are obsessive. He’s perfectly lovely and straightforward with me. If I suddenly start crying about all this it is unfair on him surely?[/quote]
Hey OP, I understand how you’re feeling. I’m 37 and only just into a new relationship. I was perusing solo parenthood before I met him so babies are the front of my mind too. The panic is more like my body screaming at me to get on with it

If this man is the one to father your children then you should be sharing these feelings and worries with him. If you can’t have children (although all sounds positive on the medical side) he won’t be able to have children’s with you so you’re not alone in this even though it feels like we are!

Very sensible to say 18 months in theory but life is short & we’re not in our twenties. By this age we know what/who we want so crack on!

Is freezing your eggs an option?
I don’t think 40 is too old to have children personally, I did it and so did many of my colleagues- some froze their eggs.
Has your DP had his sperm checked?
I would not trick your DP by having an accident, I personally think that’s terrible advice. Ten months is a very new relationship to be considering having a baby right now in my opinion. It can work, but it also puts a lot of stress on a new relationship. I haven’t read the whole thread, but does he have children? Does he know what it involves and is he prepared to support you. Would you want to return to work straight after the birth, does he need to support you financially?
Do you have the funds to have artificial insemination when the time comes (if need be) and is he prepared to go through that?
Does he have hobbies that will take him away from time with you and the baby?

I’d have a chat with him, you need to know where you stand and what your options are. Ultimately you can’t really guarantee children at any age, are you happy to stay with him and not resent him if you can’t have a baby for whatever reason?
Try not to let it consume you, stress is not great for you or your body. As a pp states I would enjoy this time, eat well, keep fit, minimise alcohol, get yourself in tip top condition, try to relax, 38 isn’t that old! Enjoy your relationship and focus on making that great.