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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me heal after husband left me with newborn

88 replies

HunterRain · 24/07/2021 11:46

Devonmum2021

Hi All,
Long post and my first time here.
My husband and I had been together 7 years and a week before our first child was born he told me he was unhappy and unsure he wanted to stay in our marriage.
5 weeks after DC arrived in a heated argument he said he wanted out all together. He stayed in the house sleeping in spare room. He had no where to go his family and friends live in a different city.
I was heartbroken but for weeks had my suspicions about another woman being involved as he had just started a new job and his behaviour had changed so quickly and our marriage was very happy before this. We were loved up best friends before all this. So low and behold he then got caught out and yes there was another woman.
He protested it was nothing physical but got caught out on various lies along the way. I kicked him out as he showed no remorse and didn’t own his actions.
It’s been a few weeks He’s now living elsewhere and I’ve set some boundaries on when to see our newborn.

I know there is no way back from this betrayal so I’m reaching out to anyone who’s been through similar as I’m desperate to heal this pain. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he’s done and what he’s thrown away for the sake of someone he’s known a few months.
My heart breaks for my little one and the loss of the dream family we always talked about.

Any experiences would be greatly appreciated because I have no friends who have been through this. Trying to be a new mum but now heartbroken and single is becoming an overwhelming pain.

Thanks

OP posts:
IsabelHerna · 02/08/2021 11:51

Oh OP, you're so strong for doing this!
I've not been in your position exactly, as I've broken up before getting pregnant. He was stalling starting a family, lying to me for years that he wanted to, and then cheated. Now, I am trying to be a single mum by choice via the IVF route. At least you know you have a darling little one, with a person that you know and love(d).

I wish you all the best, and please talk with the women here that have experienced it and can support you.

Original poster
HunterRain · 02/08/2021 17:30

Oh IsabelHerna that’s sad to hear but so amazing for you for continuing and following your dream !
Wish you all the best too :)

OP posts:
Original poster
HunterRain · 02/08/2021 17:33

Ah little update ;
Things definitely got worse before better. He still denies the extent of the affair although it’s proven he’s continuing their relationship now.
His visits to his child turned into flirting sessions with me so now I step away and take myself to a different part of the house or go out. He can’t have his cake and eat it !

I had my counselling but it’s wasn’t as expected. I thought I would get more direction or advice on how to think of things differently but the lady said it’s ‘person centred’ or something and it’s basically just for me to talk and vent ?!

Is this normal or should I look for another counsellor ?

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 02/08/2021 17:36

If you feel you need councilling op then I'd look for another. Do you have real life support to help? Well done for staying so strong

Sleepinghyena · 02/08/2021 17:37

He is flirting with you?? I hope to cut him down each time and put him straight! What a creep 🤮

Original poster
HunterRain · 02/08/2021 19:07

Yeh friends and family support has been overwhelming and amazing but I thought I’d try and speak to a professional to get an outside perspective and guidance but she didn’t give that at all. Just kept saying how awful the situation is. So should I look for someone else ?

Oh yes he would flirt, joke and then be texting me things personal to us nothing to do with our child so I’ve had to put a stop to it all. It was very confusing and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction or reacting/replying

OP posts:
AngelDelightUk · 02/08/2021 19:45

I had a counsellor like that once, she refused to offer any guidance and instead wouldn’t say anything until I did and she sort of wanted me to counsel myself

You have to bond slightly with your therapist so do look elsewhere if you’re not happy

Keep strong

Srae · 21/08/2021 14:24

I hope you are doing ok!

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2021 14:29

If you havent yet registered the birth, dont add him to the certificate. He will still have to financially support his child but he wont be able to interfere and make life difficult.

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2021 14:31

Oh, sorry, I see you started this back in july, so not relevant now.

QuinnMovesOn · 22/08/2021 01:29

If the counselor isn't working for you, find another. Yes, it is a hassle, but you want someone who will help.

1exhaustedmama · 26/09/2023 20:52

HunterRain · 24/07/2021 11:46

Devonmum2021

Hi All,
Long post and my first time here.
My husband and I had been together 7 years and a week before our first child was born he told me he was unhappy and unsure he wanted to stay in our marriage.
5 weeks after DC arrived in a heated argument he said he wanted out all together. He stayed in the house sleeping in spare room. He had no where to go his family and friends live in a different city.
I was heartbroken but for weeks had my suspicions about another woman being involved as he had just started a new job and his behaviour had changed so quickly and our marriage was very happy before this. We were loved up best friends before all this. So low and behold he then got caught out and yes there was another woman.
He protested it was nothing physical but got caught out on various lies along the way. I kicked him out as he showed no remorse and didn’t own his actions.
It’s been a few weeks He’s now living elsewhere and I’ve set some boundaries on when to see our newborn.

I know there is no way back from this betrayal so I’m reaching out to anyone who’s been through similar as I’m desperate to heal this pain. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he’s done and what he’s thrown away for the sake of someone he’s known a few months.
My heart breaks for my little one and the loss of the dream family we always talked about.

Any experiences would be greatly appreciated because I have no friends who have been through this. Trying to be a new mum but now heartbroken and single is becoming an overwhelming pain.

Thanks

Hi OP,
I have just come across your post. How are you? It's been 2years since your post.
How did it go?

Original poster
HunterRain · 26/09/2023 21:11

Wow this has brought me back !

Well to summarise. He months later begged and begged to come back I stood firm on a no as as just knew that level of disrespect would be something I could never get back from. We then divorced he moved on with AP and then a year later I met a wonderful man who has been incredible ever since, loves my child like his own and the POS father has moved across country after he cheated AGAIN on AP funnily enough. He has very little to do with daughter which makes me sad for her but she has a much better father figure in her life now.

I often describe it as the best worst thing that ever happened to me. It took work to heal but I'm reaping the rewards now and life's never been better :)

OP posts:
solice84 · 26/09/2023 21:25

@HunterRain aw that was such a lovely update . Glad it all worked out for the best for you

rockingbird · 26/09/2023 21:29

What a lovely update! So please you've moved on. Once a cheater always a cheater .. yet again.

Original poster
HunterRain · 26/09/2023 21:55

Thank you ladies.
I must admit reading this post back reminded me of how low I truly was but also that all these inspiring replies were absolutely right. I am happier, I am better off for it. I did find a new counsellor who was incredible in helping me heal and find happiness again and I still occasionally talk to them. My daughter is the happiest little toddler and to anyone reading this I hope you can see how far you can go with the right mindset and support :)

OP posts:
redvelvet77 · 26/09/2023 22:55

Yes me sadly! However 8 years on and life is wonderful. My bond with my DC is the best. Honestly I love our little life and feel he did us a favour.
I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd when I found out he was having an affair. It was awful but we got through it. My children are now seeing his true colours which is sad but he hasn't helped himself, continues to lie and let them down.
You'll get through it and come out the other side so so proud!

Wildflowernz · 29/12/2023 06:16

Hi. I know this is an old post but I'm going through a similar situation and looking for help on how to go about my husbands visitation with our newborn. He is currently still living here as my baby is 2 weeks old and I'm suffering from PND which I believe is a result of his actions. He is saying he is really confused but his feelings for me aren't the same anymore.
I don't know how to arrange a situation where everyone is happy going forward. He needs to leave for my hearts sake, I don't want him here at all once we are split up. I don't want him intruding on my home after what he's done. But I don't want to send my newborn off with him at this stage, he is still so young. What did you do?

redvelvet77 · 29/12/2023 07:27

@Wildflowernz sorry you are going through this. Is this your first baby?

8 years ago my ex left and visited the house in the first few weeks. Then he took our baby out for a walk and then drove somewhere. I was advised little and often. So an hour or 2 a few times a week.

I used the time to nap and tidy/clean or pop to the shop.

It was a horrendous time but it does get better.

I am not surprised you have PND. Please look after yourself, your baby needs you.

Wildflowernz · 29/12/2023 08:15

Thanks for your reply. No nit my first, we have an 8 year old together too. But this baby took a long time of IVF so there is alot of emotions.
It's hard to imagine anything more than that suggestion of time right now. Everything I've read seems like way too much and also too much time for me to be around my ex also.

1exhaustedmama · 29/12/2023 08:29

Wildflowernz · 29/12/2023 06:16

Hi. I know this is an old post but I'm going through a similar situation and looking for help on how to go about my husbands visitation with our newborn. He is currently still living here as my baby is 2 weeks old and I'm suffering from PND which I believe is a result of his actions. He is saying he is really confused but his feelings for me aren't the same anymore.
I don't know how to arrange a situation where everyone is happy going forward. He needs to leave for my hearts sake, I don't want him here at all once we are split up. I don't want him intruding on my home after what he's done. But I don't want to send my newborn off with him at this stage, he is still so young. What did you do?

Hi Wildflowernz,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're currently going through.
It's a really shitty thing some men tend to do to us at the most vulnerable stage of our lives. But we women are strong and we don't forget.
At this point I would suggest that you shift your priorities from the bastard to the lovely and beautiful bundle of joy. Say to yourself "the bastard is the past and the baby is the future!" Trust me it works.
I promise you things are not going to be the same- in fact things will get better. You may not see it or feel it right now but they will.
Whilst your ex is there, just use and abuse him. Get him to look after baby between feeds whilst you rest, shower etc. send him to the shops. Don't think or entertain his feelings or him wanting to leave. You are a mum and your priorities have shifted.
Stay strong and keep us updated. If you need support we are a community here!
Xxx

Wildflowernz · 29/12/2023 09:26

Thanks so much for your answer. My friends have said the same x

Original poster
HunterRain · 29/12/2023 09:44

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too ! It's truly awful and I'm glad you reached out. So I didn't let him have her for more than a few hours at a time until she was 1 and that's also when she went over night for the first time ! He visited the house all the time to spend time with her but also to try with me which after 6 months I said no more and then he would take her for a walk to a local park. Do you have your support village around you ? Accept all the offers of help ! Please message if you want to chat more. Sending lots of love x

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 29/12/2023 11:37

I've just read you update OP. I'm so happy you met someone that you deserve who treats you and your daughter well. Your ex and EP must bitterly regret the 1 whole thing now but oh well lol!

Wildflowernz · 29/12/2023 18:52

Thanks for your reply! I have a good support crew around me including most of our mutual friends and his parents.
It's so hard to have him here helping and spending time with the baby while I'm hurting. Ultimately it is a hard thing to do to put your children first when your mental health matters too.

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