Help me heal after husband left me with newborn

[HunterRain]

Devonmum2021

Hi All,
Long post and my first time here.
My husband and I had been together 7 years and a week before our first child was born he told me he was unhappy and unsure he wanted to stay in our marriage.
5 weeks after DC arrived in a heated argument he said he wanted out all together. He stayed in the house sleeping in spare room. He had no where to go his family and friends live in a different city.
I was heartbroken but for weeks had my suspicions about another woman being involved as he had just started a new job and his behaviour had changed so quickly and our marriage was very happy before this. We were loved up best friends before all this. So low and behold he then got caught out and yes there was another woman.
He protested it was nothing physical but got caught out on various lies along the way. I kicked him out as he showed no remorse and didn’t own his actions.
It’s been a few weeks He’s now living elsewhere and I’ve set some boundaries on when to see our newborn.

I know there is no way back from this betrayal so I’m reaching out to anyone who’s been through similar as I’m desperate to heal this pain. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he’s done and what he’s thrown away for the sake of someone he’s known a few months.
My heart breaks for my little one and the loss of the dream family we always talked about.

Any experiences would be greatly appreciated because I have no friends who have been through this. Trying to be a new mum but now heartbroken and single is becoming an overwhelming pain.

Thanks

Lord knows what type of lies he’s told the new woman. I think chances are he went after her. I’ve lost count of the number of married men who have shown interest in me.

Anyway all of this doesn’t matter.

OP I’m glad you have support from family and friends and are seeking counselling. You are doing all the right things. In time you will definitely heal

I’m so sorry OP.

Sadly I was also in your shoes 8 years ago. Mine left when our DC was a baby, it was completely out of the blue, just calmly told me one day that he’d changed his mind about having a child and left supposedly to live with his parents.

I found out 2 weeks later from a third party that he’d been having an affair and had in fact left to be with the OW. At that point I filed for divorce.

The first 6 months were a rollercoaster. I took each day at a time and tried not to worry about the future but it was difficult. Once the divorce came through I started to rebuild my life (he tried to come back at this point which I refused).

It took time, strength and courage but 8 years on I’m so happy. It gave me a second chance at having a brilliant life that I never would have had with him.

Please hold on to the fact that it will get better, however dark a time you are having

@HunterRain

I thanks everyone. I know I can’t believe she would even sink her teeth into a man who’s married with a baby on the way. I can’t seem to let go of the dream, that this would be us 3 against the world, it’s all so shocking to me and all our friends and family.

To certain women, the fact he is married and was having a child with you, makes him all the more desirable. He has proven he wants to be in a committed relationship, and to those women, instead of that meaning "hands the fuck off" it means "I want him for myself". It's disgusting. What's even more disgusting is the married man who doesn't tell that sort of woman she is way out of line going for a married man and she should be ashamed of herself. That's what a decent man would do in that scenario.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your lovely baby. I know it's what everyone always says but you will be happy again one day, happier in fact. You will meet a man who would tell that terrible woman at work to get to fuck when she makes a play for him and he will make you so happy you won't even remember what you ever saw in your STBXH.

Everyone will think he’s a bastard. I was in the hairdressers and an elderly woman was bemoaning that her grandson had walked away from his girlfriend and their new baby and every single woman in there of everything she including his own grandmother agreed he was an utter knob.

Of every age

So sorry you are going through this, massive hugs. This is the hardest part you’re going through right now.

Two of my colleagues did this to somebody in your position. If it makes you feel any better, they had a really vile, toxic relationship (any woman who steals a man off his pregnant wife knows he isn’t to be trusted under any circumstances and this played out as you’d expect). Their relationship eventually went off a cliff spectacularly, as did his career. Meanwhile, the ex wife went back to work after mat leave, met a lovely man in the office and is married with another child now. Karma will eventually shaft your ex in the most deserving way.

OP I'm so so sorry and sending you a big handhold. Keep using this thread for support when you need it.

I was in the same position, I was 4 months pregnant and he left. I was completely broken and pregnant with a much wanted and tried for baby. Found out about OW just after I gave birth when he was trying to come back (happened several times) my DS is 4 now and I have made the most of every second just the 2 of us and being me. At one time I struggled to get through the day. Now I am truly happy. I promise it gets better. Be kind to yourself lovely. You have got this 🥰

Isn't it honestly the case that some (lots of) men are really not bothered by children at all? You say it should have been the happiest time of your lives, but it wasn't like that for him, that wasn't his dream. He just wanted sex and to be the whole focus of a woman's attention. The baby is pretty much just a nuisance in that scenario.
I'm so sorry this has happened, but it happens a lot. Was he the driving force behind the pregnancy? I'm betting not. They just don't want what we want a lot of the time.
I really hope you will be okay. It sounds very hard.

Really sorry you're dealing with all of this at once. But I'm glad to hear you're talking with a therapist, please also talk to a professional about the financials and filing of your divorce and child maintenance. He may try to screw your over on that as well, don't let him do so, he has clear legal obligations.

Thank you ladies. Yes getting legal advice as we do have some complex financials to sort

I’m sorry you are going through this!

This happened to me just 9 weeks ago when my little girl was not yet 3 weeks old. I also have a 4 year old.

I checked his phone one night after he got in from a night out and found MANY dating apps and a women he’d slept with and that he was asking to go to hers just that night.

To say it came as a shock is an understatement, I didn’t even have a single suspicion. It completely broke me, but Already I am seeing a light at the end of this dark tunnel. The bond you and your baby will have will be like nothing else. Nobody to tell you how to parent or to mess up the house.

You will be great!

Wow Srea that’s awful I’m so sorry.
What is with these men ?!
I just wish , for my own healing, that he would atleast show some remorse and respect for me but nothing

I was left with a six week old, yep for someone else.
He never bothered with Dd again, though apparently he's recently occasionally chatting to her online.
She'll be 20 next month.

I honestly can say that the only thing that helps is time.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

BTW, all of his family have been very clear that it's me and Dd they back, not him, though they are all in Australia so we obviously don't see them.

Weird question and don't want to derail but does this happen more often when the baby is female?

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

I haven't been in your position but I was the newborn. My dad left my mum when I was born after having an affair while she was pregnant.

Please get some therapy to help you heal. My mum never did and the whole thing has coloured her view of men and life in general. She never remarried, never had any more children, is very mistrusting and even almost 50 years later is very bitter. We've never had a close relationship because she is emotionally very distant. I imagine that as a child, every time she looked at me, she saw his betrayal. Please don't allow your (justifiable) hurt and anger to prevent you having a fulfilling relationship with you baby

I was also in your shoes 3 years ago, we'd been together 7 years, married nearly 2 & had a 10 month old.
I discovered he'd been messaging a number of women, 1 in particular he had met with & they were swopping dirty vids of themselves. After that he was gone, I knew I just couldn't trust him again.

That time is a bit of a blur to me now I have no idea how I got through it but I did, day by day until it didn't hurt. You will get through it & you will be proud of yourself when you look back this time next year & realise what you overcame.

Focus on every positive you can, surround yourself with the people who are there for you. Try to do things for you, whether that's a little treat, a hobby, anything.

I am happier now than I know I would ever have been if I'd stayed with him & more importantly my little boy is happy & healthy. He was so young when it happened that it's just the norm for him that his mom & dad are not together.

Look after yourself x

I am so sorry OP. You sound really brave. I don't understand what goes through the selfish minds of men like this. You are better odd without someone who can do this to someone else at their most vulnerable. Sending hugs

Wow MadameKali. I’m so sorry to hear that and amazing how you clearly have understood what happens shows your own personal strength !
I certainly don’t blame my child at all and if anything she’s my purpose and gets me through each day so o hope we grow up to be the best of friends too

Who are these men that seem to have complete lack of any type of morals or values ? And the women who take them on are a special kind of disgusting . Some prize .
You and your baby are worth so much more than this . So glad to hear that you have family support , therapy pending and are able to plan seeing a solicitor. You are pretty amazing to be able to do all this shortly after giving birth . You sound strong at the moment but I am sure you will have your moments . But you can do this and you and your baby will be OK and happy again.
Hope these other women's stories have given you hope and courage to face the future.

It’s all so unbelievable but I just keep reminding myself of the facts. That a man capable of causing such hurt is not the husband I deserve. I just hope he can be a great Dad

Sorry @HunterRain I didn't mean to imply that you would blame your child. I have no doubt that having me to focus on actually kept my mum going. She lost her mum about three months before having me and it could have quite easily tipped her over the edge but having to actually take care of somebody gave her something to focus on. My dad was quite a piece of work knowing what she had been through and then leaving her. But I'm guessing it was very hard seeing me and being constantly reminded of him.

There was a lot of shame attached to this in the 70s. Unfortunately reading the responses here, it's now quite common for men to walk out on their partners after they've given birth. At least they've been able to give you some support and advice.

💐💐💐 To all the posters on this thread

Oh no I wasn’t implying that you were at all ! Huge credit to you and your mum for coming through this !

I understand what you mean, it feels like the stigma now is more around staying together and trying to make it work for your family :( I’m torn !

My partner left 6 weeks after finding out my baby would be born with serious birth defects. We'll I say left he was chatting to someone online and hinted that I needed him so I should put up with him staying at my place during the week, (closer to his work) and see her at weekend as I wouldn't manage with out him. Safe to say that didn't happen and not only did I not need him, I've raise my child for 11 years on my own we have adventures such as holidays abroad, weekends away, day trips. Is our life hard yes as my child has additional learning needs as well as health needs. But at first i was determined we would have better life without him than if he was with ys and that became about my focus! You doubt I'll cope on my own, I'll show you then. gradually it became I'm greatful he's not around as I realise not only would he not cope with looking after my child but the freedom I've had to plan holidays and days trips without having to explain myself or the finances of why I've done that. I love it. 12 years single and no intention of meeting anyone. I've got friends family and my wonderful child. He the one who will lose out in the long run. I promise you that.

Wow that’s inspiring! Well done you :)